Stories From the Shadowlands (2 page)

Day 48

I have found the path. If I orient myself using the four corners of the station as north, south, east, and west, I could head due south on the wide cobblestone street, then swing to the east when I reach the cluster of mud huts where the road dead ends. I got close during one of my runs, but Takeshi insisted we go back before we reached them. Still, if I can make it through the hut maze, there appears to be no significant obstacle between them and the wall. A few minutes of climbing, and I could be in the forest on the other side. All I need is a way to sneak out of the Station without the other Guards noticing.

Day 56

I have stolen something. One of the Guards, Lutfi, is a good-natured soul, if not very intelligent. I have been sitting with him during meals, and he tells me about the things he sees out in the city, like a man who grew himself a gallows just so he could hang himself from it. It only made me more certain I have to get out of here. I don't belong in this city. My only crime was escaping the terrible place I was before. So last night, while Lutfi was shoveling mushy noodles into his mouth, I slipped his keys from his belt. Tonight, I will figure out which one will allow me to escape my room, and this Station. By tomorrow I will be in the Countryside.

Day 61

Four days ago, I made my escape attempt. It did not go as I hoped. I let myself out of my room in the darkest hours of night and managed to get out of the Station without being seen. Or so I thought. I was eleven blocks away when Philip and Takeshi appeared. I ran, but Takeshi is so fast, and he tripped me up with his staff. Just before Philip knocked me unconscious, I saw the look in his eye. He almost seemed sorry for what he was doing. I don't care if he is sorry. I want to kill him and Takeshi both. They have no right to keep me here. And yet here I am. I've been in this room since I woke up—11 meals ago.

Day 62

They let me out of my chamber. I found Lutfi in the Food Room and apologized for stealing his keys. He slapped me on the back, which nearly made me drop my bowl of cloudy, cold soup. He said I should make Takeshi tell me about his first days as a Guard. But I won't, because Takeshi and I are not on speaking terms. He smiles too easily. He seems to enjoy my torment too much. Someday soon, I'm going to hurt him very badly, and I will enjoy it.

Day 69

I am back to being a good boy. I have requested more time out of my chamber so that I can train. It is obvious that I have to be stronger and faster if I want to escape. Takeshi cannot beat me hand-to-hand, only when he's holding that damn staff in his hands. And Philip is exceedingly dangerous with his knives, but only if one is within throwing range. It is possible I could escape one of them, but not both. So I will wait for my next opportunity, and in the meantime, I will learn how to use the staff, if only so I can become good enough to break one of Takeshi's bones with it.

Day 95

This morning, Philip informed me that Takeshi is leaving for a multi-day patrol in the northeastern quadrant of the city. I'm a bit sad that I won't be here long enough to see him return, as I would have relished the chance to finally beat him. But our games, played every day until I am broken, are at an end. I have found a way to the eastern wall. This time I will go south of the Sanctum. Just past where the people line up for a moment in front of the Judge. There are a few abandoned tenement buildings off the square, and behind that, the wall. Once Takeshi departs for his long patrol, I will sneak out when Philip retires to his room for his rest.

Day 97

I made it to the city wall near the Sanctum. No one saw me, and no one stopped me. The wall is made of rough stones that offer many footholds, and from the ground it does not seem that high, perhaps thirty feet. My heart was beating so hard; I was practically giddy with all my hope. And it was not difficult to climb at first. But the higher I went, the further I was from the top. And the wall… it felt alive. The stones began to shove and slip under my hands. The cracks nipped at my fingers, making them bleed. The wall went from vertical to leaning inward, as if it was trying to shake me off. I was broken long before I actually fell. I woke up in my chamber this morning. Raphael said I almost died again.
I wish I had
.

Day 100

A hundred days. A thousand nightmares. Two failed attempts.
I want to kill everybody in this city and see the Sanctum burn
I want my brother. My family. I will endure. I will not give up. I will not be here another hundred days.

Day 129

Philip came to my chamber today and sat with me. He asked if I wanted to hear a story. I didn't answer, but he told me anyway, about how he had a wife and a son in a place called Virginia. A war came. He was a soldier, and a good one, apparently. But when he got word that his family had died of a sickness, he lost hope and lost himself. It was hard to breathe as he told me this story, because he made the same choice I did: He ended his life in the hope of being with his family again, and he has paid dearly for it. He has been here for many years, he thinks. I know this is true, because the American Civil War was eighty or so years ago. He has been here for decades, and yet, he says he has more hope now than he did at the end of his life. All I can think about is that he has been separated from his family for eighty years. I will not let this happen to me.

Day 131

Philip and Takeshi took me to see their armorer today. His name is Michael, and I have never met a more disgusting individual. I am unsure of how someone of his girth can manage to move, but he does, and quite quickly. He also has the foulest mouth of anyone I have ever met, but he was cursing in Slovak, so I was the only one in the room who understood the things he was saying. Takeshi advised me to ignore him, but did it with a sly smile that told me he found it truly funny. Between insults, Michael asked me what weapons I prefer, and I told him I fight with whatever is available to me. Takeshi asked him to make me my own set of knives, a baton that extends to a staff, and a scimitar. I have not practiced much with the long blade, but it feels good in my hand.

Day 132

Today Takeshi took me on a walk outside the Station. He said it was a patrol, but it seemed like more of a chance for me to prove that I am stable again and will not try to escape. He had his hand on his baton the entire time. We walked to the southwest, along the cobblestone road past a twisting, tilting tower that looked like it was about to collapse. Takeshi said that often, residents create things for themselves and abandon them quickly when they aren't comforting or satisfying enough. The city is full of empty buildings of all types. He said that was a very bad thing, because anyone can settle within an abandoned building. The way he said it, with an unusually grim expression, made me think he was referring to someone specific. I would have asked him, but that was when I heard the gates of the city opening and slamming shut. I vaguely remember them, and the brute Guards who pushed us all through into this place. I wonder how far the Gates are from here, if I can hear them so clearly. I wonder if I can make it there. I am stronger now. Maybe I could leave the way I came in—through the Gates?

Day 135

The knives. Philip is an expert with them, and can kill from a distance, though what exactly he wants or needs to kill, I do not know, because the residents of this city appear to be passive in the extreme unless their property is disturbed or taken. But if I want to get out of here, I will need to be able to kill anything that gets in my way. Today I practiced so hard that my wrists were swollen and aching, and my fingers could not grip the knives. And then I asked Raphael to heal me so I could continue. He asked if I wanted to sleep, but I told him I had no patience for that. He agreed to fix me while I stayed awake, and as he took hold of my wrists, his look of amusement made me break out in a cold sweat. It was like sticking my hands in a roaring fire.
It was like the moment I threw myself on the
As it turns out, I couldn’t stay awake—I lost consciousness from the sheer agony of it. But my wrists and hands are healed. Tomorrow I will work harder.

Day176

I have become so good with the knives that Takeshi says I am ready to move on. He began teaching me to wield the staff, his preferred weapon. I preferred the knives until he blocked every one I threw with that staff. Eager for a chance to hurt Takeshi, I invited him to teach me now that I have a baton/staff of my own. I woke up a short while ago. Raphael told me my skull had been fractured yet again. Takeshi did it on purpose. He always does. I hope to repay him sometime soon.

Day 185

Takeshi and Philip left on a patrol this morning. They said they were going through downtown, and neither of them looked happy about it. I assured them I would stay here and train, but instead I sneaked out and followed the sound of the Suicide Gates. I counted blocks and noted landmarks, and when I got close enough, I went to the top of one of the tall apartment buildings and watched from the roof. I can see the distant square and the Suicide Gates just beyond it, the people stumbling and shambling through as the Gate Guards shout and laugh. It turned my stomach, the memories, both of coming in and the time before. But that is my way out, of that I am sure. I cannot go over the walls, so I must escape through the Gates. At the moment they swing wide, there is an opening in the crowd, a pause in the crushing wave of bodies, and that is when I will go. The Gate Guards won't be able to stop me, not if I take my weapons. All the time Takeshi and Philip have spent training me will not be wasted.

Day 243

Tomorrow is the day. I am different than I was. No longer must I rely on cunning and speed in a fight. My body is powerful now, more powerful than it was when I was alive, and I have more than my hands as weapons. I have been practicing with the inhuman Guards, and they cannot defeat me. I am too fast, and too willing to hurt them, and they know it. More and more, I can match Philip in a fight, and even Takeshi must struggle to take me down. They are all impressed and proud, I can tell, happy with how they have changed me, happy at my potential as a Guard. When Philip left with Takeshi for patrol this morning, he said that soon I will start patrolling with him. He said it like it was a gift to me, a reward for a job well done. What he doesn't know: by tomorrow night, I will be gone.

Day 244

Takeshi came to my quarters this morning. He is usually as quick with his smile as he is with his staff, but when he entered my chamber, I could see what lies beneath that grin, a darkness he often conceals. He sat on my floor and said he needed to talk to me, that he needed me to know something. He told me that when he first came here and was made a Guard, he tried to escape, just as I have, but that, unlike me, he attempted to exit through the Suicide Gates. I clamped my mouth shut as my heart raced—I have been so careful. No one can possibly know what I plan to do tonight. I told him I was done with escaping, that I knew it was not possible, but he insisted on telling me his story. He said that he fled all the way to the Suicide Gates. And when he entered the plaza where the new residents come through, it began to grow. The cobblestones multiplied and stretched, and the faster he ran toward the Gates, the farther away they were. He told me he ran for hours, until his body gave out and he collapsed. He said that escape attempt taught him all he needed to know about this city and how it works, and that he never attempted to escape again. And then he smiled at me and left my chambers, as if he had done me a favor.

He is lying. I know he is lying. I will escape tonight, and I will go through the Gates, and Takeshi’s mind games will not frighten me or hold me back.

Day 245

Takeshi was not lying.

Day 257

Thirty-nine meals have passed, and they are stacked and rotting and stinking in the corner, smeared and dripping on the stone floor. It doesn't matter; I am barely strong enough to hold this pen, let alone lift a fork to my mouth. The plaza broke me. I was ready, and I was strong, and I had so much hope. I could see the Gates and see what lay beyond them, so close I could almost feel the sunlight on my face. Every part of me was stretching toward it. I do not understand how it was not enough. I have worked so hard. I have suffered so much. And I am not a bad person. When I was alive, I never hurt anyone who had not tried to hurt me first. I was never the first to strike, and if I was the last, then that is only because I wanted to live, not because I wanted to cause pain. So I do not understand why I have been singled out for this torment. But one thing is certain—I am finished. Whatever fight and hope I had is gone, and my only wish is for silence and darkness and nothing. It won't be much longer now. This will be my last entry.

Page 258

Raphael came to me. He cleared the rotting food away and sat on the floor next to my cot. His expression was not mocking, not amused, not anything but gentle. He asked me why I was allowing myself to hurt like this, why I was punishing myself. I was too weak to laugh, but I wanted to. He sensed it, I think, because he smiled.

"No one," he said, "makes these choices for you."

He didn't say it in a cruel way, but it was not apologetic, either. He does not feel sorry for me, but he doesn't dismiss the pain. I don't know how to describe how it felt when he laid his hand on my forehead, when he closed his eyes and bowed his head and stayed with me while I wept for everything I have lost. I don't know if what I saw was real, if that light that came from him was a dream. But for a time, I wasn't here, and I was safe and warm, and I realized there could be something out there for me if I endure. If I choose to endure. One more day. I'll try for one more day.

Day 300

One more day. I say this to myself every day. Tonight I am on the roof, and I am looking over the forest beyond the Sanctum and the eastern wall. I am thinking of my parents and where they might be. I hope they are together. They made each other stronger. He was steady and sure, but she was life and breath. And as I remember how she looked at him, it makes me wish for something I always thought I would have someday, but now understand may not ever happen. It seems silly to think about, and I have dismissed it a thousand times, but tonight I will let myself dream of a girl who
looks at me like that, like I'm the earth and she's the sky, and if we had each other, everything else would disappear and it wouldn't matter. Because she was made for me, and I was made for her, and she is life and breath and
Sometimes I do not know why I allow myself to dream such foolish things.