Stolen Innocence (22 page)

While the prophet was just a few feet from where I was standing, I felt unsure I could walk the short distance to shake his hand, as was customary. I felt Uncle Warren’s icy stare egging me on, and despite my urge to turn and flee, I managed to make my way over and greet them. Everyone was watching me as I moved from Uncle Rulon’s outstretched hand to Uncle Warren’s to Uncle Fred’s.

Uncle Warren directed Allen and me to take our places in the front two seats. Feeling overwhelmed, I obeyed. After about a minute, Warren stood to receive the power to conduct our wedding from his father, who had authorized him to seal us in his name. He began reading a passage from
In Light and Truth: Raising Children in the Family Order of Heaven.
As he droned on, my mind raced, but Uncle Warren’s stern directive startled me back to the present.

“Can we please have you stand?” he instructed, looking out over his glasses at me. I heard what he’d said, but I remained paralyzed in my seat. “So, will you please stand and take each other’s hands,” Uncle Warren continued.

Rising, I said, “Can’t I just stand here?” That plea was ignored, and Allen took my limp hand in what is known as the “patriarchal grip.” As Uncle Warren began the ceremony, I felt dizzy, like I might pass out. I knew that I should be paying attention to these sacred words, but I couldn’t focus on them. My mind was still searching for an exit.

“Do you, Brother Allen Glade Steed, take Sister Elissa Jessop, by the right hand, and receive her unto yourself to be your lawful and wedded wife…”

Just like at my mother’s wedding to Uncle Fred, I held my breath and desperately prayed that Uncle Warren would not seal me for time and all eternity.

“…and you to be her lawful and wedded husband…”

I was praying that God would at least do this for me, that he wouldn’t let Warren say those words, that he would let me be with someone else in heaven.

“…for time and all eternity.”

My heart dropped and tears slid down my cheeks. From this moment forward, my entire life would feel wrong; even in death I’d be miserable.

I wanted to run as Uncle Warren droned on with the vows. “With a covenant and promise, on your part, that you will fulfill all the laws, rites, and ordinances pertaining to this holy bond of matrimony in the new and everlasting covenant, doing this in the presence of God, angels, and these witnesses, of your own free will and choice?”

Allen agreed promptly, “I do.”

I could feel Uncle Warren’s piercing gaze turn in my direction, and my heart began to race.

“Do you, Sister Elissa Jessop, take Brother Allen Glade Steed by the right hand and give yourself to him…” I was no longer hearing his words, for my mind was a jumble. Give myself to Allen? “No. Oh please, God, no!” my mind was screaming. I tried to focus on the words being said.

“…of your own free will and choice?” he finished, waiting for my reply.

“My free will and choice?” I thought. Nothing about this day was my free will and choice. For the past week, I had desperately tried to tell the very man saying these words that I did not want this and had begged him to allow me to grow up first. He more than anyone else knew this was not my “free will and choice.”

I couldn’t say it. I felt the room fall silent as the words failed to find their way to my lips. Uncle Warren’s stern gaze drilled a hole through me, and he looked so intimidating and powerful. I could feel everyone’s stares as I stood there speechless. Time seemed to stand still as I searched the room for an answer. My gaze finally fell upon my mother, whose look of terrified agony said it all. If I denied myself and my family this moment, I would be going against everything that mattered to us. An overwhelming sense of defeat fell over me; as hard as I’d fought, it was all over now.

Warren’s voice broke the silence. “Would the mother of the bride please stand and give her support?” Mom stood, grabbing my left hand. I could feel her hand trembling as she held mine. Stealing a look at her face, I could see that she was holding back tears.

“Do you, Sister Elissa, take Brother Allen, by the right hand, and give yourself to him to be his lawful and wedded wife for time and all eternity?” Warren repeated in a voice that made the question sound like a command. Even as the silence grew unbearable, I still couldn’t bring myself to formulate the words. Suddenly, I felt my fingers being crushed by my Mom’s death grip. It shocked me into the moment, reminding me that I had no choice but to respond.

“Okay,” I said, almost in a whisper. “I do.”

I could hear the collective sigh of relief rise up in the room. It was as if they’d all been holding their breaths in anticipation of what I was going to say, and were seemingly thankful that I had finally broken. In the last few moments, I had teetered on the edge of heaven and hell and ultimately had been forced to choose heaven, but for me, the bridle had been cinched tight and heaven would be my hell.

“In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the authority of the Holy Priesthood, I pronounce you legally and lawfully husband and wife, for time and all eternity…”

My soul was broken. I was now going to be Allen’s wife for eternity, and there was nothing I could do about it.

“You may kiss the bride,” Uncle Warren directed.

Reflexively, I backed away as Allen leaned in to kiss me.

The tears were falling freely, and I had to keep my shoulders from shaking. I lowered my head and shook it. “Please don’t make me do this,” I pleaded in my mind.

Uncle Warren looked at me pointedly, almost hissing the words: “Kiss Allen.” All I could think of was the time in elementary school when Uncle Warren told me that I was to treat boys as poisonous snakes. To me, Allen was worse than that, and I could not bring myself to kiss him. Finally I gave in and pecked him on the lips. I was desperate to escape. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned to leave and was stopped when someone tugged on my hand.

At that moment, Uncle Warren took my hand and Allen’s, putting them together in his, saying, “Now go forth and multiply and replenish the earth with good priesthood children.”

I could barely see through my tears as I fled. I escaped into a separate room and dissolved. My mother followed me and I ran from her, locking myself in a bathroom. Crumpling to the floor, I was overtaken by sobs. I couldn’t believe it. I had just gotten married.

Immediately, I could hear her soothing voice through the grain of the wooden door between us, almost begging, “Lesie, please let me in.”

Mom was joined by my sister Rachel and Allen, who also tried unsuccessfully to get me to come out. I had been in there for several minutes when I heard a knock and the voice of one of the church elders, Uncle Wendell Neilson. I’d always liked Uncle Wendell and felt guilty and embarrassed that I was now avoiding him.

“I just want to be the first to congratulate the new Mrs. Steed,” Uncle Wendell told me when I finally opened the bathroom door. I found momentary solace in his bear hug. “You know things will look up. Just remember to trust in God.” He tried to cheer me up, saying that I would reap the rewards of obedience to the prophet. “Someday thousands will flock to hear your story of faith and courage.” His words were kind and meant to be encouraging, but I didn’t want my forced obedience to be an example to anyone. Both he and my mother tried to encourage me by reminding me that for a woman to take part in a spiritual marriage was the highest achievement she could reach. To them, I had been honored with this wonderful blessing.

After I came out of the bathroom, I was directed to go with the other brides to change for the luncheon. I had a hard time sitting next to Allen at the table. All through the lunch I could barely think, let alone eat. I was only ten minutes into it, and already my marriage was a nightmare.

C
HAPTER
T
HIRTEEN

ALL ALONE

The only true freedom of women is in the abiding of the holy Celestial law of marriage, submitting herself to her husband and head and living his law.

—
RULON JEFFS

I
t was late afternoon when we loaded up into the cars for our trip back to Hildale. The ride was long and quiet, and I spent most of it in a daze, wondering where I’d be living upon our return. Over the past few years, I had been moved around so many times, and never with advance notice. Since learning that I would be married, I had been so busy contesting the marriage that I hadn’t thought about where we would live when it was all over.

I was relieved when we pulled up to Uncle Fred’s and saw the large Jessop family outside to greet us. Everyone had been excitedly awaiting our arrival, and some of the family began snapping pictures as we stepped out of the car. No pictures had been taken of the actual ceremonies because of the risk that the documentation would fall into the wrong hands, so these would be the first snapshots for our memory books. Dozens of people were giving their congratulations and posing us for our first husband-and-wife photos. Everyone was shouting at me to smile, and compliantly I did. I was exhausted and could barely think straight. Numb, I did as directed and tried hard to put forth my sweetest FLDS face.

Outside Uncle Fred’s house, a horse-drawn carriage was waiting to take the newlywed couples for a ride around town. It belonged to a local FLDS member who had come up to Uncle Fred’s for the afternoon to commemorate our wedding day. Without the strength to resist, I took Allen’s outstretched hand and climbed aboard for the ride.

As soon as we returned to Fred’s house, I stepped off and walked inside to avoid continued pressure to pose for more photos. My face was red and swollen from crying, and I refused to honor the repeated pleas to kiss Allen for the camera.

After the carriage ride and photos, we went to Allen’s parents’ home, where his entire family had assembled to welcome us. I smiled politely as Allen’s mother greeted me with a bouquet of lilacs. One by one, I met his family, who all did their best to make me feel comfortable. Allen’s mother had a small business sewing nightgowns and other sleepwear. Ironically, she’d sewn my bridal trousseau, a white satin gown and pink satin robe with delicate flowers on it. They had been a gift from my mother, who’d had them made to order by Allen’s mom before she even knew I was going to marry him.

That night, Uncle Fred had us to his home for dinner, which was followed by ice cream and cake. Still, I had no idea where we would be living; no announcement had been made.

At points during the evening, I was overcome by the excitement of the celebration, but inevitably, something would snap me back to the hard truth of my situation. I wanted so badly to be happy and enjoy this moment, but something inside just wouldn’t let me. Later that evening I was pleasantly surprised when my friend Natalie stopped by to wish me well. Though we no longer attended the same school, I’d been spending a lot of time with her. We had grown quite close, and she was one of the few people outside of Uncle Fred’s home whom I could trust and talk to. The morning of the wedding, Natalie’s mother, Lavonda, had done my hair. Strangely, Natalie had been silent. I could see that it worried her to watch me prepare for my wedding. I’d been feeling self-conscious around her ever since I’d learned of my impending nuptials, and I noticed awkwardness on her part as well. She seemed to be afraid that being around me would call attention to her and bring her the same fate.

Now, here she was at Uncle Fred’s house accompanied by several of her sisters to perform a song in honor of my wedding. The girls had beautiful voices and had produced some music CDs for the community. I was so touched that they would honor me with this lovely performance that I didn’t think about what would happen when they left. Watching their eyes glow and hearing their voices glide over the notes, it never occurred to me that the day’s events would change my life and friendship with Natalie. I was no longer a single fourteen-year-old like her. I was officially different; I was married. While she still had the freedom to act like a child, the standards for me had changed overnight. The sad truth was that after that day we no longer spent time together as close friends.

When everyone left Fred’s home that evening, a horrible sense of abandonment crept up on me. One minute we were all celebrating, and the next everyone was saying goodbye. Right after prayer service that night, Uncle Fred excitedly led our procession up the stairs to our “new” bedroom, which was the same room that I had been sleeping in since I arrived at his home. He informed Allen and me that we were going to live in his home until the church assigned us a place of our own. The news that I would be close to my mother came as a relief. In anticipation of our arrival, he’d instructed some of the mothers to prepare the upstairs bedroom I’d been sharing with my two sisters as a honeymoon suite.

Just inside the door, a handmade banner reading “Honeymoon Hideout” hung across an archway. Peering into the room, I saw that the furniture was decidedly different from when I’d left that morning. The bunk bed my little sisters shared had been moved to my mother’s room, along with all of their knickknacks. My twin bed had been replaced by a queen-sized one that I was expected to share with Allen, starting that very night. The bedspread had been decorated with dozens of Hershey’s chocolate kisses arranged in the shape of a big heart. Homemade cookies and sparkling cider had been left for us. Also on the bed was a handmade sign with the words
ALLEN AND ELISSA SEALED FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY, APRIL 23, 2001
. As if hearing the words hadn’t been enough, now I had to see them. I knew all of these gestures had been made with good intentions, but they only emphasized how wrong the whole thing felt.

The scene was surreal. Just a day earlier, this room had been a safe, comforting space, a sanctuary where I could escape the insanity about the pending wedding. Now its every corner had an air of foreboding, and the walls seemed to close in on me. I could barely look at it, let alone sleep there. As I tried to calm down, I was suddenly lifted into the air. Allen had taken me in his arms and was preparing to carry me over the threshold. I covered my face when I saw cameras poised and began to cry as he walked us into the room.