Stolen Desire (The Lust List: Kaidan Stone #3) (10 page)

I stand taller, and now I'm pissed. “Whoa. Your rapey
friend
attacked me, and now you're blaming
me
because
he
can’t control himself? Fuck. You.”

I storm off down the hall toward my room, practically running so I can cry alone. I open the door to my darkened room and slam it behind me. I flip the light on as the tears come.

Fuck.
Wrong door. I've accidentally walked into Kaidan's room instead of mine.

I inhale the scent of his cologne and suddenly feel dizzy, the last strong drink I chugged hitting me like a truck. I slump against the wall, tears streaming down my face.

Why does everything keep going so wrong? Why can't Kaidan be the one? Why is he so controlling…? First he was distant and indifferent, and now he's jealous and possessive. He has some good qualities, but I don't think they're enough to overcome
this
. What the hell is
wrong
with him?

Anger blooms hot in my chest, and I dry my eyes and stride to the bathroom for a towel. I refuse to go back out there like this after the way he acted.

I open the linen closet to grab a towel, but the line of bottles on the top shelf catches my gaze. This is what the doctor was talking to Kaidan about. Sleeping pills. Half a dozen different kinds.

I shake my head. Kaidan is obviously fucked up, and it's time for me to admit it. I have to get out of here. I grab a towel with a heavy feeling in my chest, but as I step back into the room, the doorknob rattles. The door swings open.

Kaidan steps into the room. His eyes are sad, his face full of remorse as he shuts the door behind him. He's got his shoes off and his shirt half-unbuttoned before he sees me. I'm still standing next to his bathroom door, frozen.

His eyes widen. “Hayley.”

I press the towel against my chest and swallow against the sick feeling rising there. I feel even worse when I identify it. I'm
afraid
of him. Afraid of what he might want to do to me if I do leave. “I came in here by mistake. I don't want to talk to you.”

I try to edge past him to go back to my room, but he blocks my path. The anguish on his face is plainly visible, and he's not trying to hide it this time. “Please. There's no excuse for how I acted….” I can smell rum on his breath, and it reminds me of every bad time I've ever had with him.

“No. I'm done. I'm going home now.” I feel brave for telling him this, but maybe I'm just stupid.

“I should have been there to protect you. Did Corey—did he…”

“No! But he almost did.”

“Hayley, look at me.”

I glare at him, but I'm gripping the towel so hard against my chest my hands hurt. “I want to leave.”

“I will
never
treat you that way again. If I do—you can walk away.”

“I'm walking away now.” I storm past him, but before I get very far, he grabs my arm.

I go rigid and turn back to meet his eyes. They're glistening.
Tears.
In-Control, powerful, record label heir Kaidan Stone… is crying?

He releases his grip on me. “You're right. You should go.”

I hesitate. I want answers. I want to understand why he's been so controlling. Why he's possessive one minute and wonderful the next. I need to know before I walk out the door. Because if I leave now, I'm never coming back. I won't trust myself to.

“Why?” I ask, my throat thick. “Why did you act like that?”

Kaidan takes a deep breath. “Corey killed someone I cared about.”

I hug myself tighter, my blood running cold. “What do you mean?”

Kaidan runs a hand through his hair and sinks down in the armchair next to the bathroom, like he can't hold himself up anymore. “Corey and I have a bad history.”

“Over what?” I try to make my voice light, but my stomach is churning. “A girl?”

“Actually, yeah. There was this girl in high school…”

“Avery,” I whisper, as all the hints dropped tonight start to come together.

He nods, his jaw tight. “She was my girlfriend for a few months. It wasn't even that serious. At least it wasn't to her.”

He smiles a little, and then the sadness seeps back into his expression. “She started cheating on me with Corey. Everyone knew about it but me, and no one told me. Maybe if they had… I could have stopped it. But I found out too late. They got wasted one night, and Corey drove his car into a pole. He made it. She didn't.”

The pain on his face is so deep that I can't help but walk over to him to lay a hand on his arm. “I'm so sorry.”

“I shouldn't have had Charles follow you. I shouldn't have done that. I just… I don't want to lose you, too.” His voice is gruff, and he takes my hand from where it rests on his arm and starts running his fingers along my palm. He stares at it like all the answers to his problems reside there. “And then when you got in that accident… Something inside me just snapped.” He looks back up at me. “And I don't know how to turn it off.”

I sit down on the armrest, searching his face for answers, but he looks back down at my hand, ashamed.

A million different emotions are swirling within me. I'm conflicted, torn between the way I feel about him and the way I feel about how controlling he's been. And I don't know how I feel about the fact that he's blaming his actions on a dead girl. I feel awful about what happened, but am I truly a replacement? I can't be a stand-in for a ghost.

I finally find the words to respond. “Thank you… for telling me. You shouldn't blame yourself. You couldn't have stopped what happened to Avery.” I pause, trying to word what I want to say next. “And you can't turn it off because you need to feel in control. I went through the same thing after my mom died. I don't know if you knew this, but… I used to shoplift.”

Kaidan meets my eyes. “Yeah. I know. But I don't care about your past.”

I let out a breath. “Well, my therapist said it was for the sense of control it gave me. Only it didn't actually give me any control. You can't control people or life. You can only control yourself.”

He leans into the chair and trails a hand down my back. “My therapist
also
tried to tell me that. So I fired her.”

I let out an abrupt laugh, and the mood lightens a bit, but not by much.

“Hayley…” His eyes are filled with anguish, and he's not trying to hide it anymore. “Do you think you can you forgive me one more time?”

I slowly nod. “I can. But… I'm not her. I can't be her. I know I look like her and…”

“No. I wasn't attracted to you because you look like someone else.”

“Are you sure, because—”

“I'm sure.” Kaidan grabs my hand again and holds it tight, like he's willing me to believe him. “I don't
want
you to be her. Because what I feel for you is a thousand times stronger than anything I've ever felt for anyone else. And that's what scares me the most. Because… if I lost you…”

I see the truth in his eyes, and I believe it. Because I feel it, too. The connection between us is something I've never felt with anyone else.

He's never seen me as a replacement. His behavior has been him trying to protect himself from the pain he felt over losing his first girlfriend. He's been blaming himself for Avery's death this whole time, afraid to get close to someone else.

We stare into each other's eyes for a moment longer, neither of us speaking, and then I'm helpless to deny the attraction, to deny the feelings anymore.

I want to be with him. And he's saying he wants this, too. He has baggage, a lot of it, but his confession explains so much. It's not like I'm perfect, either.

Like magnets, we're drawn together, and I softly press my lips to his, kissing away his pain. He wraps an arm around my lower back, grazing my soaked panties, and I let him draw me closer. I slide into his lap.

His clothing on my bare skin makes me shiver, and goose bumps pop up on my arms.

“You're freezing,” he says softly. He stands up, lifting me in his arms, and carries me into the bathroom.

There's an enormous walk-in shower at the end of his bathroom, and he takes me there. Anticipation shoots through me as he sets me down on a padded bench inside the shower.

“This will warm you up.” He leaves the stall, and I look up at the shower head. It's a large disc set high in the ceiling, and when he turns it on, the water falls like rain. It stops just short of the bench. I huddle against the cold tile wall, shivering, waiting for it to warm up. Kaidan's still fully clothed, so he makes sure to stay out of the stream of water as he adjusts the temperature. Steam begins to rise from the tile floor.

“This should be good now,” he says.

“Thanks.” I get up and take a few hesitant steps into the stream of water to test it. It's deliciously warm, and I step fully into the cascade of water, letting it run down my chest, soaking through the cold cloth of my bra to heat me up again.

Kaidan licks his lips and averts his eyes. “There are more towels in the linen closet,” he says, his voice strained. “But I guess you know that. Soap dispenser’s there on the wall. I'll wait for you out here. I can grab some clothes for you if—”

“Kaidan.”

He meets my eyes, very obviously trying not to stare at my body. I hold his gaze as I unhook the bra and toss it to the tile. The warm water feels incredible as it cascades down my bare breasts. And streams of water drip from my nipples to the floor. Kaidan's eyes dart there, and my nipples harden in response to the open lust on his face.

He meets my eyes again, and his are dark.

I pull my panties down and step out of them. Then I reach out a hand and get a squirt of soap from the dispenser. I rub my palms together, then smooth the soap over both breasts slowly, following the curves. I take my time, relishing the desire on his face as he watches me.

His lips part, and he swallows, waiting for me to say something.

So I do. “Stay.”

He doesn't need another invitation. He unbuttons his shirt, exposing his chiseled chest, the outline of his tanned abs. Longing shoots through me, causing an ache that travels down through my stomach and settles in my core.

I turn away from him and go entirely beneath the shower, closing my eyes and sudsing the soap up, letting the shower rinse the salt water residue off my body and out of my hair.

Then he's there, standing behind me. The heat of him reaches me, even before he touches me.

He runs a gentle hand along the curves of my back and wraps his other hand around my waist, pulling me closer. I can feel him, already hard, pressed against my ass. The longing in my body intensifies with the promise of what's to come.

“You're so beautiful,” he murmurs. He moves his hand to my breast, sliding along the soap left there, trailing it down my stomach. He reaches the tuft of hair between my legs, and his fingers part my lips. He grazes the spot gently, teasing me where his mouth was just a few hours ago.

I let out a little moan, wanting more, but he takes his hand away to return his attention to my breasts.

I can't handle the teasing. I turn around and pull him out of the stream of water a little so I can kiss him. He kisses me back with an intensity that leaves me breathless. I want him inside me.

As his tongue finds mine, he takes one of my aching breasts in his palm and squeezes hard, then works my nipple the way he worked my clit earlier. The memory makes my clit throb, begging to be touched like that again. I moan in his mouth, but he keeps his attention on my breasts, not giving me more.

So I find his cock and wrap my hand around it. I move up and down his shaft, and he groans, getting even harder.

He pushes me backward against the now-warm tile wall and keeps his lips on mine as his hand moves to my aching cleft. He slides a finger inside me, then two, and I suck in a breath. He moves in and out, curving his fingers to hit my G-spot. My rhythm on his cock falters, and I let go, because my legs are shaking, and I need to grab the bar on the wall to hold myself up.

I'm so hungry for him. He keeps fingering me and moves his lips to my neck, kissing his way to my ear. Pleasure rockets through me from the way his fingers are moving.

He gently nibbles my ear. “I want to fuck you so bad.”

Then he lets me go. His hand is gone, and my cunt is throbbing.

I meet his eyes, and before he can start again, I push him backward onto the bench.

We're both breathing heavy as the warm water hits my back and the corner of the bench.

His brown eyes are dark, and he bites his lip as he grabs me by the hips to pull me closer. I'm standing over him, straddling him, like I did that first night we made out at LUSH, when I wanted to take it all the way, even with everybody watching us.

Only this time, his bare cock is only inches from my cleft, nothing between us. I lean down to press my lips to his again, and his tip brushes against my clit. I whimper into his mouth, and he draws me even closer.

He uses his hand to press his cock against my slick opening, dragging it back and forth, teasing me, until I can't take it anymore.

When it's positioned at my entrance, rock hard, throbbing, waiting for me, he stops. I open my eyes and pull away from the kiss.

I wrap my hands around his neck, not taking my eyes off his. Then I lower myself onto his shaft, gasping as my walls stretch to take all of him.