S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. (9 page)

Archie nodded thoughtfully. ‘How come the MI6 computer was suspicious about this guy’s profile in the first place?’

‘Well, it’s a highly sophisticated program that filters all sorts of parameters using algorithms and language pattern templates.’ Highwater cleared her throat. ‘Plus, the
individual in question calls himself Doctor Doom.’

‘And it picked up on something as subtle as that?’ Archie mumbled. ‘Computers are so clever these days. Where would national security be without them?’

‘Many of Doctor Doom’s posts talk about revenge and retribution,’ Highwater continued, ignoring Archie. ‘Cipher Branch reported their findings to my boss Huge – I
mean
Hugh
– Figo and he assigned the investigation to our division.’

‘I suppose your colleagues in the Norwegian Secret Service are working up some intel?’ said Barney in a slightly strange American accent.

‘Negative.’ Highwater removed her glasses. ‘As far as they’re concerned this is a simple case of a runaway. But the young man in question – Mr Henry Ulrik –
has joint Norwegian and British citizenship so it’s up to us to find him.’

Holden Grey nodded sagely. ‘AKA this baby’s in our court now.’

‘Excuse me,’ Archie interjected, raising his hand. ‘I’m really sorry Mr Ulrik is missing and I don’t want to be all me, me, me or anything – but what does all
this have to do with my dad?’

Helen Highwater slid her glasses back on and smiled briefly. ‘I’m glad you asked me that,’ she said. ‘Take a look at this.’

X-ray’s fingers danced over the keyboard and a new paragraph appeared on the monitors.

‘This update was posted on Doctor Doom’s page two days ago,’ said Highwater.

‘The day of the car crash,’ Archie whispered to himself as his eyes eagerly scanned the post.

Falteringly Archie announced the hidden message, reading every fourth word, ‘Have – to – care – them – on – afternoon?’ He frowned and
cocked his head. ‘That doesn’t make any sense.’

‘Guess again, Einstein,’ said X-ray without looking up from her keyboard.

‘Barney?’ Highwater said invitingly. ‘Any ideas?’

Barney pinched his chin thoughtfully and said, ‘From my experience I’d guess our mark is using a classic helical substitution cipher, or perhaps a cross-numerical progression
code?’

Highwater looked at him blankly. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Does anyone have any ideas that actually make sense? Archie?’

Archie said nothing for a moment because his mind was racing. This new message had been posted at 3 p.m., which meant . . .

His blood chilled as the hidden meaning became clear. In a voice that was barely audible he read the message.

‘Police will take care of Hunt this afternoon.’

‘Bravo,’ said Grey, adding quickly, ‘I mean kuoros.’

‘No,’ said Agent X-ray through gritted teeth, ‘you actually mean kudos.’

‘So somebody was planning to kill my father?’ Archie felt anger bubbling in his veins. ‘How soon did you decode this message?’

‘Only about half an hour before the accident,’ said Highwater. ‘We didn’t relocate to this safe house until yesterday so we were still in London at the time. We sent a
uniformed unit to your home but they were too late to intercept your father.’

‘Typical of the plod,’ said Barney wearily. ‘If you want a job done right you’ve got to go with Tactical Armed Response.’

‘We have reason to believe things are not as straightforward as they at first appear,’ said Highwater. ‘Agent X-ray will explain.’

The girl spun her chair round to face the boys. As she addressed them she kept her head tilted slightly to one side so that her fringe hung across half of her face. ‘Firstly we believe the
phrase “take care of hunt” in the original message is ambiguous,’ she mumbled, like a teenager who’s been forced to propose a toast at a family function. ‘It could
mean, you know, to kill, or bump off, or ice or whatever. But it might just mean “taking care of business”.’

‘In what way?’ asked Archie.

‘In this case we think it meant they wanted to pick up your father.’

‘You mean kidnap?’

X-ray nodded. ‘Sort of. We don’t think the chase and the accident were in the kidnappers’ plan. Things just went a bit Pete Tong when your dad saw through their police disguise
and kept going. We accessed some satellite images of the crash site and they clearly show that in the seconds following your old man’s car making like a submarine, someone else jumped into
the sea from the cliff. We reckon the kidnappers were trying to rescue him.’

‘And did they?’ Archie demanded urgently.

‘We don’t know for sure.’ Agent X-ray pursed her lips. ‘The satellite was being repositioned to spy on some foreign students suspected of plotting to bump off the Queen.
It was only luck that it caught any of the action at all.’

‘He must have saved him though,’ Archie said brightly. ‘You see, my dad was wearing this heart monitor to help RAF Cranfield with a study they’re doing—’

‘Yeah, we know all about the scientific study,’ Agent X-ray interrupted, displaying the university website on one of the wall-mounted monitors. ‘We bugged your hospital room so
we heard what you told DC Flowers. We accessed your father’s vital statistics to check for ourselves and we agree with you.’

‘You think he’s alive?’ Archie beamed.

‘We’re pretty sure he is,’ said Agent X-ray with just a flicker of a smile. ‘Or at least he was at just gone midnight the night before last.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ Archie turned and high-fived Barney. Then he noticed that Highwater and Agent X-ray weren’t smiling.

‘That’s the good news,’ said Highwater grimly. ‘Unfortunately there’s some bad news too.’

‘The bad news, Mr Hunt, is that while your father is alive,’ Grey chipped in, ‘he’s still in very hot water without a paddle.’

Archie grimaced as he tried to decipher the elderly man’s metaphor.

‘In simple terms,’ Highwater added, glaring at her colleague, ‘we are working on the theory that the man who kidnapped your father is planning to carry out some sort of
experiments on his captives in order to further his despicable plan to take over the world. In short, we are dealing with an Evil Mastermind Uprising.’

Barney nodded, the corners of his mouth turned down as if this was exactly the scenario he had expected.

Archie began to feel weirdly woozy, as if he was immersed in glycerine. It was as though reality had somehow become mixed up with some strange spy fantasy. ‘Evil Mastermind Uprising. Is
that, like, an official term?’

‘I’m afraid so,’ Highwater stated coldly.‘We use it only in the very gravest circumstances when an individual of exceptional intelligence demonstrates he has both the
intention and the wherewithal to instigate a fiendish plot designed to destabilise the balance of world power.’

‘In short, he’s a well nasty gangster, isn’t it?’ added Grey.

‘And what exactly is he going to do with my father?’ Archie asked faintly.

Highwater nodded knowingly. ‘I’m afraid, young man, that our theory as to Doctor Doom’s objectives is highly classified information. I can’t tell you any more unless you
agree to sign the Official Secrets Act and accept the terms of the MI6 Undercover Agents Disclaimer. And this is the point at which I must ask Mr Jones to leave.’

Archie looked at Barney, who gave him a tightlipped smile and a nod of encouragement.

‘OK, I’ll sign,’ Archie said.

‘Excellent.’ Highwater produced a welcoming smile.

‘But only if Barney’s on the team too.’

Highwater’s face froze. ‘I’m sorry, Mr Hunt, this isn’t some after-school club. You don’t get to join because your friend’s a member.’

‘But Barney knows everything there is to know about spy stuff,’ Archie insisted.

‘I
have
seen every single James Bond film at least five times,’ Barney offered timidly, ‘even
Die Another Day
. I’ve read all the Young Bond books over and
over – and I got through the whole Alex Rider series in one week. I never miss an episode of
Spooks
or
Alias
and I even watched
The Bourne Identity
when my parents
thought I was doing my homework. I can recite all the dialogue from
Mission Imposs
—’

‘This is all very . . . impressive,’ Highwater interrupted, holding up a hand, ‘but how does your slightly fanatical interest in spy fiction qualify you for a place on our team
of highly skilled agents?’

Barney blew out his rosy cheeks and rolled his eyes, searching the ceiling pensively.

‘Well, Mr Jones,’ Highwater said, ‘I think your silence speaks volumes, don’t you?’

‘What about a profiler?’ Archie blurted out.

Highwater and Barney turned to face him. ‘Profiler?’ they echoed.

‘Yeah,’ said Archie. ‘Barney must know all there is to know about evil masterminds. I bet he could give you a pretty accurate insight into this Doctor Doom’s methods and
motives.’

‘Well, OK,’ Highwater agreed. ‘This should at least be entertaining if nothing else.’

‘We’ve already worked up a pretty detailed profile,’ Agent X-ray volunteered, opening a beige folder. Highwater took the folder from the girl and turned to Barney.

‘OK, Mr Jones. If you can tell me five key points about Doctor Doom’s evil plan then you can join the team. If not I’ll have to show you the door. Do we have a deal?’

Barney nodded earnestly and swallowed hard. ‘Let me see,’ he said, scratching his armpit nervously. ‘Well, you’re obviously dealing with a highly intelligent
person.’

‘I think the term
mastermind
sort of gives that away,’ Highwater sneered.

‘But he’s also arrogant because he’s taunting you by leaving clues on the Internet,’ Barney suggested falteringly. ‘He thinks he’s too clever to get caught
– like he’s playing cat and mouse with you. What he’s doing is showing the world that he can outsmart the entire Secret Service.’

‘Thank you, Mr Jones,’ Highwater barked then after a breath she added more calmly, ‘What was the point you were making?’

Barney stuck out his bottom lip. ‘Just that he thinks he can’t be found out, as though he’s God or something.’

‘God complex,’ confirmed Highwater, marking a tick in her folder.

Encouraged by his success, Barney allowed himself to theorise more freely. ‘Any self-respecting mad scientist lives in a secluded lair on a deserted island or inside a volcano or, I
don’t know, perched on the side of a cliff.’

‘Reclusive, check,’ Highwater remarked, ticking her folder again. ‘What about his motives?’

‘Revenge,’ Barney answered automatically. ‘These guys are always after revenge of some sort. He wants to punish the people, or the country, that he feels wronged him. Greed is
always a factor too. He’s probably plotting something that will destabilise the political balance and make him so rich that he will achieve world domination, a bit like that dude in
Point
Blanc
.’

‘World domination,’ announced Highwater. ‘That’s three. Two more and you’re in. Any thoughts about his method?’

Barney scratched his head and exhaled pensively. ‘Well, he’s bound to have some evil creation brewing. He’s kidnapped a sporting champion and Archie’s dad, who was an
all-round high achiever, so it’s probably something involving cloning or gene selection . . . that’s it!’ Barney clicked his fingers in triumph. ‘He’s going to extract
genes from his captives and combine them somehow to make a genetically superior monster or creature that he’ll clone and take over the world with.’

Archie shook his head and sighed, thinking Barney had just blown his chances. But to his amazement Highwater marked another tick on her folder. ‘Creating a super-being, check,’ she
said. Then, tapping her pen on her teeth, she said, ‘So far so good, Mr Jones. One more correct supposition and you’re in, although I have to warn you I can’t accept a wrong
answer at this stage.’

Barney studied the ceiling again. Seconds ticked by.

‘OK, Mr Jones.’ Highwater closed her folder. ‘Time’s up. Close but no cigar. I trust you can show yourself out.’