Still Waters (20 page)

Hannah stared at him, her eyes big. “What?”

“The date on the clipping. The month, actually. The article was dated July, but Jack had died in May.”

“What?” Hannah frowned. “I don’t get it, Colin. How could he be in the newspaper picture if he was dead?”

His hand tightened on hers. “I
thought
Jack was dead. Now I know that’s not true. Ever since coming here last night, all of these new memories have floated up in my mind. Just like the doctor said. Repressed memories.”

The sheet moved under Hannah’s elbow. She looked down and saw Colin’s fingers slowly gathering the fabric up until he held it tightly in two fists.

“Jack wasn’t dead—at least, not when my parents said he was,” he said. “The summer I was eleven, we were at Pine House, and he was there too. I remember this now, as clearly as anything.”

He paused and Hannah squeezed his clenched fist. “It’s okay.”

His clear blue eyes gazed steadily out the window. The gardener was gone now, and the grass was as neat as a putting green. “I wandered around by myself a lot that summer—I was just starting to get into photography, so I took my camera and went for walks, looking for cool things to photograph. One evening I went all the way to that old church, the one we visited, and I
stayed late. Then I got a little lost coming back and by the time I found my way back to the house, it was pitch black. I was going around to the back door when I heard voices coming from the lake, carrying across the water. I realized that it was two people in the rowboat, pretty far out.”

“Jack?” Hannah interrupted.

Colin nodded. “And his girlfriend, Tamar. She worked at the café in town, and he’d been seeing her all summer. That’s probably why he was in that photo in the article. I think she was some kind of runaway—she was just passing through. Anyway, Jack had a temper and she did too. They were always having these wild arguments and then making up. I think my parents were concerned about how they would feed off each other.”

“So you heard them in the boat….,” Hannah prompted.

“Yeah. They were arguing again. Jack was shouting and she was shouting back and it sounded like maybe crying too. There was a full moon, so I could just make them out. I saw Jack grab Tamar, like he was going to hit her. I shouted out to stop him, but he either didn’t hear me or he was ignoring me. By now Tamar was screaming. So I just kicked my shoes off and went in.” Two red spots were burning on Colin’s cheekbones. His hands still gripped the sheets.

Hannah leaned forward. “You just swam in? What did you think you were going to do?”

Colin shrugged. “Stop them, I guess. Like an eleven year-old kid was going to stop anything. But I wasn’t thinking about that. He was going to hurt her, and I had to stop it. I swam out to the
boat, but when I was almost there, I saw Jack force Tamar over the side. He was holding her under—Han?”

Hannah felt sick. She knew Colin could see it on her face. There was a long silence. Then he reached his hand out and touched her cheek. “I know,” he almost whispered. “Just like last night.”

Hannah nodded mutely.

Colin picked up the pink plastic pitcher by his bedside and poured himself another glass of water. “Want some?”

Hannah shook her head.

Colin downed the water in one gulp. “I don’t even remember swimming the rest of the way. The next thing I knew, I was hanging on to the edge of the boat, screaming at Jack to go get help. At the same time, I kept ducking under the water, trying to look for Tamar’s body, maybe get her to the surface in time to save her. And Jack … he was hanging over the edge of the boat too, screaming back at me that it was all a mistake and she’d fallen over, but the police would never understand. But even in the midst of all of that, I knew he was lying—he’d forced her over, I’d seen it with my own eyes. And I think I was yelling back that this was murder, didn’t he understand, and that I was going to get our parents and the police—” Colin suddenly stopped talking.

“Then what?” Hannah realized she was leaning forward, holding the edge of the bed so tightly her knuckles were white.

Colin closed his eyes. “He grabbed me, forced my head under the water. I felt something bump me and opened my eyes … Tamar’s body was right there, floating next to me.
I saw her face….” He paused. “I’d never seen a dead person before.”

The room was silent. Out in the hall, a loudspeaker said,
“Paging Dr. Schmidt. Please pick up line one.
”

After a time Colin went on. “I played dead. I didn’t know what to do. I just went limp and after a second I guess Jack thought I was dead too—or at least unconscious. I felt him release me. I stayed underwater as long as I could, and when I surfaced, I saw him rowing away, toward that wooded part of the shoreline where we came out from the woods the other day.”

“Where you had that freak-out I was telling the doctor about.”

Colin rubbed the back of his hand across his mouth. “Yeah.” He closed his eyes, as if summoning up the memories. “I had to let Tamar’s body sink. It was so heavy, and I didn’t have much strength left. I made it to the beach by the house the same time Jack made it to shore. He saw me on the beach—he turned and looked right at me. So he knew I wasn’t dead. Then he ran into the woods.”

Hannah sank back into her chair as if all her bones had been wrung out. “Oh my God, Colin, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe your own brother tried to kill you.” Her voice broke. Colin sat up and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her.

“It’s okay,” he said into her hair, his voice muffled. “It’s okay now, at least.”

Hannah sat back, wiping away the tears that had risen to her eyes. She held Colin’s hand tightly. “What happened next? Did
you go in and tell your parents?” She shivered at the thought of skinny little eleven-year-old Colin, wet and cold and afraid on the beach, all by himself.

Colin’s forehead creased. “Yeah, I think I did. Things get a little hazy after that. I went in—my mom was on the sofa, reading, and my dad was in the kitchen. I tried to tell them what happened. I probably wasn’t making much sense—wasn’t explaining myself well. They just kind of looked at me funny and told me to go to bed and that they’d take care of everything. I was exhausted. I tried to stay awake but I couldn’t and, in the middle of the night, they woke me up and rushed me out of the house. We piled into the car and drove home at light speed. They wouldn’t say anything about what was going on.”

“Why would your parents rush out like that?” Hannah interrupted. “Wouldn’t they want to stay and find Jack?”

Colin’s brows creased. “No, I think maybe Jack got in touch with them that night and told them what happened. They realized the only way to protect him was to leave. I don’t know though. Everything is so mixed up in my mind. It seems like all this was just a dream.”

“But it wasn’t,” Hannah said.

“No.” Colin plucked at the sheet again. “I do remember asking over and over where Jack was. But all they said was that I’d been sick, very sick, and I’d been imagining things. Jack had died four months earlier, they said. They’d decided not to go to the house this summer, they told me, because I was in such shock from my brother’s death.”

A chill ran up the back of Hannah’s neck. She shivered. “They were lying, right?”

Colin looked unsure for a minute. “I … I don’t know. I mean they were my parents, and they were completely adamant that this is what happened. I was just a kid. After awhile … I guess I just believed them. It was like it never happened, until the night of the storm.” He sat forward, his face intense. “After I saw the clipping, it was like this fuzzy curtain just dropped over my mind. I don’t remember anything else from this weekend, except that I was so
angry
. I never knew it was possible to feel that pissed off.”

“That was the break Dr. Morris was talking about,” Hannah breathed. The pieces were clinking into place one by one in her mind. He hadn’t been acting like himself since the storm because he’d been acting like
Jack
. He actually believed that he
was
his brother, Jack, a delusion. And the scene in the rowboat. Colin was reenacting that whole awful night. “Inhabiting Jack’s body,” Hannah said. “And thinking that I was Tamar.” She looked at Colin. “Do you really not remember any of this?”

Colin shook his head. “No. Just a few flashes here and there. I remember working on the truck. I wanted to take out the relay so it wouldn’t start, but I don’t know why. It was like someone else was in my head, telling me to do it—voices, like the doctor said. The cell phone too. I knew I had to take out the battery and flush it down the toilet, but I didn’t know why.”

“Jack. Jack was telling you to do it.” A shudder ran through Hannah. “You had to keep me there.”

“
Jack
wanted to keep you there,” Colin reminded her. “It wasn’t me.”

There was a knock at the door. Hannah sat up fast. A burly orderly poked his head in. “Your parents are here, Colin.” There was rustling in the hallway behind him.

Colin’s body tensed. “Han, stay with me,” he whispered hoarsely. “I don’t know how I can see them. Don’t leave.”

“I won’t. I’m here.” Her voice sounded far stronger than she felt. How could Colin even look at his parents, knowing what he knew now? This was all happening so fast. She wished he could have some time to absorb everything the doctor had said, but they were right here. Hannah squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.

The orderly shoved the door open further and stood aside as Mrs. Byrd pushed past him and rushed at the bed. She wore a trench coat thrown over an expensive sweat suit. Colin’s father followed closely behind, his face gray.

“Colin, are you all right?” his mother said, bending over his bed and grasping his shoulder. “We were frantic when the hospital called. What happened? What are you doing up here?” She sat down on the edge of the bed. His father clustered in behind. Colin took a firmer grasp on Hannah’s hand. She squeezed back, hoping he could feel the strength flowing through her fingers to his.

Colin looked right at his mother. Hannah recoiled a little at the cold conviction in his eyes. “Mom, I have to talk to you. And Dad, too.” His voice was steady, but Hannah heard the tremble underneath.

“What is it?” His mother’s hand went to her throat.

Colin pushed himself up a little in bed. “Mom, I know.”

Mrs. Byrd froze. “About what, darling?” Her eyes glittered.

Colin’s face was expressionless. “About Jack. And that summer.”

Mrs. Byrd made a strangled little noise in her throat. Then her face smoothed over, reminding Hannah of a curtain dropped over a stage. His father gripped his mother’s shoulder. Colin went forward relentlessly. “Some stuff has happened to me the last couple of days that I’d rather not talk about. All I want to say to you is that I know that Jack didn’t die in the mountains. I know he tried to drown me in the lake, after he killed Tamar. I know how you tried to cover it up and how you lied to me.”

His mother was shaking her head back and forth slowly, over and over. “No, Colin, no, no,” she kept saying.

Colin stared fixedly out the window. Hannah tapped his hand. He turned his head toward her.
It’s okay,
she mouthed. He nodded and gave her a faint smile.

His mother kept shaking her head. Then she grew still. The room was quiet for a long time. Mr. Byrd sat as if carved from stone and his eyes were shiny, though whether it was from grief or rage, Hannah couldn’t tell.

Then Colin’s mother sat up straight. She lifted her head and cleared her throat. “Colin, you’re in shock.” Her voice sounded overly loud in the small room. Hannah inhaled sharply. His mother went on. “Why would you say these horrible things? Why would you accuse us, your own parents, of deceiving you?” Her lips were a thin slash in the white dough of her face. “It’s unnatural,
saying that we would lie to you for years and years.” Her tone changed and became silky, like pudding. “You’ve had a terrible shock, dear. I can see that. You need rest, and then we’ll get you home and get you help. Medicine, perhaps.” The soft tone grated on Hannah’s nerves more than any of Mrs. Byrd’s iciness.

A drop of something fell to the floor. Hannah looked over. A thin stream of blood was trickling from Mrs. Byrd’s clenched fist and dripping slowly onto the old linoleum.

The house was dim and quiet when Hannah slipped her key from the lock that evening. Behind her, Colin’s parents’ car backed down the driveway and chugged off down the street. After he was discharged, Colin had tried to tell his parents that he would drive the truck home with Hannah, but Mrs. Byrd insisted on driving together. Colin’s father would return later to retrieve the truck, she said. As they left the hospital Colin informed them that he did not want to discuss any part of the last two days, and so the ride home had been tense and miserable, with Colin sitting like a statue in the backseat beside her and heavy silence filling the car.

“Mom?” Hannah called into the interior. The front table was piled high with mail. A pair of David’s sneakers tangled with his backpack lay on the hall rug. They looked very small and the sight of them made Hannah call louder into the house, “
Mom?
Anyone there? Dave?”

Her mother’s familiar figure darkened the doorway to the kitchen,
holding a stick of butter in one hand. “Hi, honey! How was the trip?” Her face creased with lines as she smiled and held her arms out.

With a thump, Hannah dropped her backpack from her shoulder and ran into her mother’s arms, squeezing her around the back and burying her head into the crook of her mother’s neck and shoulder. “Hi,” she said, her throat aching as she tried to hold back the tears. A few escaped, trickling down her cheeks and wetting the collar of her mother’s work shirt.

“Han?” Her mother pulled back, gazing intently into her daughter’s face. “What’s wrong? Did you and Laurie have a fight?”

For an instant Hannah couldn’t figure out why her mother was asking about Laurie, but she caught herself just in time. She took a deep, trembling breath and swiped at her cheeks. “No … nothing like that.”