Still Jaded (32 page)

"If they make the decision to play with your heart, to play with your mind, to play with your world, how is that okay?" I closed my eyes. "If you got hurt because of what they did? What then?"

Something changed in her face and she sobered. Standing at her fullest height, Carolina looked at me like she was looking through me. "And if you were hurting them?"

"Does it matter?"

She narrowed her eyes, seeming to choose her words with caution. "Then I would ask myself,
really
ask myself, whose pain was the worst? Who was hurting the worst? Because that's the person that's in the right."

I sucked in my breath. "You're not helping me."

"I think I am." She gave me a soft smile before she leaned next to me. "What'd they do?"

"Who?"

"You know who."

"They set it all up."

"Did they do it to hurt you?"

This girl was starting to annoy me. "No."

She hesitated, but then asked, "Were they hurting?"

Really annoying me. "Yes."

Then she took a deep breath. "Maybe, just maybe, you should shut up and think about them. Because it sounds like you're being self-centered. Think past yourself and think of them."

"I don't really like you right now." I flashed a crooked grin.

She smiled back. "If we're going to be friends, I'm not going to kiss your ass. I'm not like that, but I will
always
tell you the truth and even though I don't know you that well, I like you. I like you a lot." She paused. "I only tell my friends the truth."

I grinned, saddened. "I think I need friends like that—it's what they do."

She looked behind us to Corrigan's hospital room and nodded. "I don't know any of you guys that well, but I'm good at judging people. I've met each of you at different times. I met Bryce for two seconds in the waiting lounge, but I read people well." She drew in a deep breath. "I'm someone who likes to be prepared for everything, but I learned a long time ago that I can't be prepared for everything. Things happen that you can't prepare for. My sister died a long time ago. She committed suicide, and it was…it was…hard, but they're here. Both of your guys are here." She got choked up, but continued, "I don't love anyone, but I loved my sister, and I've seen enough and heard enough to know that you love both of them. Everyone knows, Sheldon. Everyone knows. You have to pick. They know it. You know it."

Each word she said stabbed me. I felt the knife sliding in and out as she continued. Then I drew in a shuddering breath. She was right. I had to pick.

She got red in the cheeks and fanned herself. "I'm probably channeling my romantic idealistic part of me, but for the love of God, pick one of them because
obviously
they're begging for you to do it!"

The old Sheldon might've said something bitchy to her, but I'd learned to listen to the truth. This girl was speaking that to me. She'd said it enough in her own words. Bryce was saying it. Corrigan was saying it. Now she was, and she was right. I wondered how many others thought the same things.

Then I asked, "Your sister committed suicide?"

"Yeah." Her voice was soft. "I was in high school. You learn what's real when you go through something like that. People. Relationships. Life. There's a lot of stuff out there than can break you or make you stronger. You just gotta choose which way you're going."

If only it were that easy.

"Sheldon?" Bryce walked out of the room. "What are you—I thought you were going for coffee?" He frowned as he glanced from Carolina to me, then back again. A second passed, and then his eyes widened. Comprehension flared. "Oh."

Carolina looked apologetic. "I came to check on her, and now I have. I'll see you tomorrow, Sheldon." She met his gaze for a moment before reaching to squeeze my hand. As she walked down the hallway, he rotated around to watch her. When she rounded the corner, he looked back at me and smiled.

"What?"

He nodded. "I like her. She's strong. I like that."

My mind was a mess. My emotions were always a mess. And now the guy who I thought was the only one I would ever love approved of a friend I made? Really?
Really
?

I pressed my hands to my temples. A headache had come on and it was raging. "Thank you for your approval. Now you can go back and screw my replacement. You'll know that I'll be okay. I have a
friend
beside you and Corrigan. Thank you for giving a damn."

"What? I just meant—"

"You walked out on me! You found another girl. You—"

Bryce opened his mouth. "Are you kidding me?! You're with me, but you're in love with someone else! Who walked away from whom is irrelevant. Take a look at who's in the next room!"

"You don't have the right to approve of my friends. Not anymore. You gave that up, remember?" My tone gentled. He was right about Corrigan, although we hadn't figured out who was to blame yet. "You're not my boyfriend anymore, Bryce."

But he did have a right. He was still family. He knew it. I knew it.

I was such a mess.

He closed his mouth. "I'm staying at your place tonight. Corrigan can't, so I am." That's when he looked up and his eyes hardened. "You're going to have to deal with it. I care about you, no matter if it's me or Corrigan. Some psycho is still out there. I'm staying and that's it. Corrigan agrees."

My mouth fell open. "What?"

Bryce jerked a thumb behind him. "Go and talk to him. It's his brain child."

I didn't need to do anything, but I
did
go back into the room. A part of me was furious, but I knew Bryce was being responsible. He'd stay with me. It only made sense, but when I went in and grabbed my purse, a part of me didn't want to look Corrigan in the eyes. I was afraid he'd think I was betraying him, but I wasn't. And that confused me even more. When my hand reached for the purse straps on the chair, I paused and took a breath. That's when I looked up and I was right.

Corrigan had been waiting for me.

"What?" I sighed.

He smiled. "What do you mean what?"

"Bryce is staying at my place tonight?" It shouldn't have come out as a question, but it did. Corrigan held something in my heart that I couldn't comprehend, but I knew it was there. What he thought was important.

"It was my idea, Sheldon." Corrigan tried to smile, but I saw the pain. It floated in his eyes, underneath the surface. "I heard you and Carolina, and then I heard you and Bryce. You never went for coffee." He looked at my hands. "You don't have a cup in your hand."

I gulped.

"It's okay, you know. I get it. I do. I—" He expelled a deep breath.

Why was this so hard? All the emotions twisted together inside of me, into a massive ball of nerves. "I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to think or what to do. I don't know anything right now. Nothing makes sense. I just know that Bryce is taking me home and I don't know what that means. And you're in the hospital; you're hurting so much. That sends me on another whirlwind where I'm confused about everything again."

He nodded, silent.

I kept going. "I know what you and Bryce did. I heard you guys, but I'm not going to get mad that you guys played with my emotions. Carolina told me that it's not about me anymore. It's about who was hurt worse, and I only thought about you so I think that means you were hurt the worst although—" Deep breath. "I don't know what that means either."

Corrigan looked down at his hands. He held the television remote in one hand and the sheet in the other. He was half sitting towards me, but a part of him was angled away. I looked at him and wondered if half of his heart was with me and the other half was protected from me. Then I remembered Bryce, and I wondered where his was, where mine was?

I whispered, "I'm a mess, Corrigan."

He smiled, but his eyes were sad. "I am too. I wasn't, but I am now."

"What does that mean?"

He looked up and shook his head. I knew that he was trying to tell me that he didn't know, but he did. He always did.

Bryce drove me home that night. At first, I felt horrible that we were going to my place while Corrigan was alone. Then I remembered that he'd gone behind my back with Bryce—that's when I started getting angry again. How dare they play with my emotions. How dare they manipulate me and make me feel like a fool! It wasn't just about them. I was involved. I'd be losing someone. I could lose both of them.

When I kept looking at Bryce, my anger went to him. How dare he?! He was a part of it. He'd always known. What else was a lie? Who else lied?! And as soon as the door shut behind us, I was ready for whatever was coming at me that night. I wanted it all out. I was sick and tired of being in the dark, and I didn't care what I'd have to do to get it out. It was my right to know.

So I took a breath, closed my eyes, counted to five, and then dropped my purse. "Okay. Are you going to explain the whore that you shacked up with or are you going to pretend that I didn't overhear any of that?!"

Bryce froze and then studied me. His eyes were lidded, but his jaw didn't move.

"Really? Nothing? Really?"

"What do you expect? Give me a second to group my thoughts together." His eyes narrowed, and that's when I knew he was lying. He knew I heard everything. He knew I'd be pissed. He certainly knew I'd be ready to lay everything on the table.

He was stalling.

I didn't care. He wasn't stalling on my watch.

"Tell me the truth!" I shouted even though I know I shouldn't. This was Bryce. He didn't cower or tremble underneath anger like that. He met it and raised it a notch. In the past he would've had me against the wall by now, but this was a new stage for us and neither of us knew the rules. Screw the rules. "Were you in love with me when you fucked her? I never fucked Corrigan—"

"What you and Corrigan did was worse. He told me what happened. You kissed him and you felt something for him. He told me!" Bryce shouted back, chest heaving.

We hadn't made it two seconds inside my house, and we were both heated. The night was not going to end well. I threw my head back. "I never screwed him!"

"You kissed, and you had feelings. You felt him, Sheldon. You stopped because of that. If you hadn't had any feelings, you would've screwed him. We're not that couple. We never were. You wanted me to screw other girls in high school. Remember? You screwed Denton. And you did it because you didn't give one shit about him. But Corrigan—you kiss him and turn away? Isn't that what happened?"

My mouth snapped shut. I wasn't sure what to say, but I was livid. The asshole made me furious.

Bryce's eyes were ugly as he ground out, "You felt something for him and this is you. You're emotionally handicapped. You're blunted in the head when it comes to emotions."

"I am not!" I might be...

Bryce opened his mouth, but shut it again. Then he repeated the motion along with some more chest heaving. After a moment, after he had clenched and unclenched his hands repeatedly, he managed out, "Okay. That was below the belt, not untrue, but below the belt."

Snorting, I rolled my eyes. He could kiss my ass. "Are you going to tell me the truth or are you going to sugarcoat everything? Because you do it all the time, and that's why we're in half the messes we get in."

Bryce half laughed at that but half groaned too. He was caught between the two and then arched his eyebrows. "You wanna talk to me about who gets us in messes and who doesn't? Who screwed Denton two years ago. Who had a stalker after them? Who wanted her pseudo boyfriend to screw other girls because she couldn't handle being the only focal point of his emotions? Yeah. Not me—again."

"Who left me?" I stepped closer, one foot. Stalking.

He rolled his eyes.

I added, "Who walked away? Who started sleeping with someone else? And why did you do it—for some stupid media thing?" I was seeing red. "Think of a better excuse."

Bryce watched me with lidded eyes. He didn't show any emotion, but I knew it was there. I felt it. It was brimming underneath his surface, and it was powerful. He was angry—no. He was furious. I was calling all his cards and throwing them away. The truth was the only thing he could give and he knew it. I was taking away all his games, but what did he expect? This was me after all.

This was me and him. This was how we fought.

I stared at him. He stared back, but the fire was there. Then I grinned. It was a small smile, but it was there and it was cruel.

Bryce took it as such and stalked forward one step. "What do you want me to say? You want to know why I started dating Guadalupe or why I screwed her? You pick."

"Which was first?"

"I screwed her."

"Then that's the one I want to know." I was cold, and I knew my eyes were too. This had been coming for a long time.

He moved forward again, one step. It was slow but smooth. Dangerous. "I screwed her because I was fed up watching the girl I loved be in love with someone else—and not just anyone, but my best friend. My best friend, Sheldon! Of all people, it had to be him? I love him too. Besides you, he's my only friend and you had to go and fall in love with him?"