Stella Makes Good (13 page)

‘Sure. Okay.’

Really?
I felt like saying.
And just why the hell would I?

I had just finished clearing the dinner plates and stacking the dishwasher when Jesse rang to ask if she could come over. I was a bit apprehensive. What would Steve say? Would he even let her come once he knew where she was going?

Thankfully, Jesse answered the question before I had a chance to ask. ‘Steve’s working late—again! And Mum’s been pestering me about having Ollie and Em stay overnight, so I thought, why not?’

‘Sure. Okay. Sounds excellent.’

‘Good! I’ve had a really great day and I want to talk to you about the library and a bunch of other stuff.’

She certainly sounded in fine spirits, but the library? Ugh. I’d deal with that later.

Half an hour later, she bounded through the door holding a bottle of chardonnay.

‘I know it’s only Tuesday night but one glass can’t hurt us, can it?’ she beamed.

‘Absolutely! Should I see if Carly’s free?’

‘Why not? The more the merrier.’

Within minutes, Carly arrived, and soon the three of us were sitting on the outside deck, a glass of wine in hand.

‘What’s happened to you today?’ I asked Jesse. ‘Even your hair is bouncing.’

She smiled. ‘I told you. I had a good day.’

‘Did you win the lottery?’ asked Carly.

‘Nah, but I have been thinking about a lot of things and I really want to apply for the full-time position at the library.’

‘Okay,’ I said tentatively.

Liz would never agree, I knew. She was making noises about cutting Jesse’s hours.

‘I know you’re thinking Steve will never agree to it, but I have it all worked out. He’ll come around. I’m feeling confident so I may as well put my optimism to good use.’

‘That’s great,’ said Carly, sipping her wine.

‘But enough about me,’ Jesse continued. ‘How’s June?’

‘Mad as a cut snake,’ I said with a grin. ‘Feisty, determined and strong. But her fall gave me a huge shock. She is seventy, after all.’

‘You’re very good to take her in,’ said Carly.

I frowned at her. ‘Why wouldn’t I? She’s family.’

Carly shrugged and sipped her wine. ‘Not for much longer.’

‘June’s part of our lives. She’ll always be family, regardless.’

‘Fair enough.’ Carly paused a moment before clearing her throat. ‘I’d like to apologise for my behaviour the other night. I don’t know what got into me, fuck buddies and all.’

I laughed. ‘Yeah, how’s that resolution coming along? You could have knocked me over with a feather when I realised Toby was June’s doctor.’

‘I’m confused,’ said Jesse. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Toby was one of the guys Carly met at the pub the other night.’

‘And he’s a doctor. Can you believe it? Small world, hey?’ said Carly. ‘He’s a nice bloke, though. So’s Mike.’

‘Mike being another guy at the pub?’ Jesse chimed in. ‘Also a doctor?’

I nodded. ‘It’s not as complicated as it sounds. Actually, I saw him today at the hospital, but—’

‘But what?’ Carly demanded. ‘He seems like a decent bloke.’

‘Yes, but unlike you, I don’t want a fuck buddy. I’m happy on my own.’

‘You say that now, but when the right man comes along, we’ll see.’

‘You never told me what happened when you gatecrashed the party,’ Jesse said. ‘How was it?’

‘Interesting,’ I said.

‘Yes! Interesting,’ Carly quickly agreed.

‘Come on,’ Jesse said. ‘Details, please.’

I glanced at Carly who had her hand over her mouth. That’s right, I thought. Keep it there. But of course she didn’t.

‘It wasn’t your typical North Shore party,’ she started. ‘It was a dress-up kind of affair.’

Jesse looked confused. ‘Like a Bollywood or Rocky Horror party?’

‘Not quite,’ said Carly. ‘One of the doctors, Pete, is into bondage and fetish stuff, and he took us along with him to see if we’d be interested as well.’

‘Carly,’ I warned.

‘You’re kidding?’ said Jesse. ‘Fascinating. What was everyone doing?’

‘There were people in dominatrix gear whipping each other,’ I said dismissively. ‘Standard stuff.’

‘Plenty of naked or near-naked bodies in threesomes and foursomes,’ added Carly.

‘Oh my God. And what were you guys doing?’

‘Pete threw himself into a threesome, but the rest of us just stood and watched in disbelief,’ I said.

Carly and I took a gulp of wine. I noticed Jesse’s glass was untouched.

Carly nudged me. ‘Go on.’

‘Not much more to say, really.’ I glowered at her.

‘Come on, Stella,’ Jesse said. ‘Don’t leave anything out. It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever get the opportunity—’

Carly burst out laughing. I glared at her but she didn’t stop. She was laughing so hard, wine was dribbling from her nose.

‘Carly, control yourself,’ I said. ‘Please.’ I wanted to belt her.

‘I’m sorry. I just can’t get that image out of my head—the nappy, the dummy, the studded collar around his neck—’

‘Carly! No,’ I yelled.

‘She needs to know, Stella.’

Jesse was pale, almost white. ‘What do I need to know?’

‘Don’t do this, Carly,’ I begged. ‘It’s nothing, Jesse.’

Carly snorted and gulped down the rest of her wine. ‘Okay, here’s the thing.’ Her eyes were red-rimmed and wide as saucers, her cheeks flushed and full.

I willed her to stop. ‘Now’s not the time—’

‘We saw your husband,’ she blurted.

Jesse looked puzzled. ‘Steve? At the party?’

‘That’s right, Steve. He was there and he was—’

‘Stop,’ said Jesse. ‘This is a joke, right? Ha, ha. Very funny. Just as well I know Steve was working late last Thursday night.’

I glared again at Carly, who was now slouched back in her seat.

‘Come on,’ said Jesse. ‘You’re having a laugh, right? Well, you got me. I almost fell for it.’

I put my hand on her arm. ‘Jesse—’

‘No!’ she said, closing her eyes as if to block out my voice. ‘I don’t want to hear any more. I don’t believe you, anyway. Steve was working last Thursday night. He told me.’ She hesitated, trying to get her breathing under control. ‘There’s no way . . .’ She pushed her chair back and stood up.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said quietly. ‘But despite Carly’s lack of tact, Steve was there. We saw him.’

She shook her head. ‘No.’

Silence. Even Carly didn’t speak.

‘Did he see you?’ Jesse asked.

I didn’t know what to say. I got up to hug her but she shrank away from me.

‘Just tell me,’ she demanded.

I nodded.

Jesse scrunched up her face, trying to compose herself. ‘I still don’t believe you. You’ve always hated Steve and now you’re saying things that aren’t true to push me to leave him. Well, guess what? I never will. I’m going to work even harder to get my marriage back on track. I don’t need you. Fine friends you are, spreading vicious rumours. How could you?’ Tears streamed down her face. ‘Steve’s a good man, a really good man.’

I tried to stop her from leaving but she pushed past me.

‘Just leave me alone,’ she said. ‘As for you, Carly, you might want to start on my glass next, seeing as you’re on a roll. As usual.’

With that, she hurried down the deck stairs and onto the driveway.

‘Jesse, please don’t go,’ I called after her. ‘Let me explain.’

But she got into her car and slammed the door shut. The engine revved, she put the gears into reverse and was gone. My heart sank.

‘That went well,’ Carly said.

I turned to look at her. ‘You’ve got one hell of a big mouth, I’ll say that much.’

‘She’ll forgive us.’

‘You reckon?’

‘She has to. We’re the ones who are going to get her through this nightmare. I don’t know why you’re being so shitty about it. We’re only telling her the truth.’

I shook my head. ‘Did you ever stop to consider that she might not have wanted to know the truth? People bury their heads in the sand for all kinds of reasons. Maybe Jesse already had an inkling but chose to ignore it. Now we’ve forced her to face something she mightn’t be ready for. Couldn’t you see her foot tapping as soon as we mentioned the party?’

‘Yes, but—’

‘But it didn’t occur to you that we might be making her situation worse?’

‘Her tremors, you mean?’

‘If that’s what you want to call them.’

‘Look, I’m sorry. I just thought—’

‘Carly, sometimes your insensitivity astounds me.’

Carly left when I told her I didn’t want to open another bottle of wine. And she talked about other people being in denial! As soon as she was out the door, I rang Jesse but she had her mobile switched off.

‘Jesse, I’m so sorry,’ I told her voicemail. ‘We shouldn’t have said anything, and you’re completely right, we were probably mistaken. Maybe it wasn’t Steve . . .’ I asked her to call me and hung up.

I was so exhausted by the time I slipped into bed, I could hardly move. It had been a long day. I’d just switched off my bedside lamp when the phone rang. I wasn’t going to answer it, worried it might be Steve again. But then I recognised the number.

‘Stella?’ It was Jesse and she was crying.

‘Everything okay?’ I asked gently.

‘Yes. No. Steve’s not home. I’ve left a message on his mobile and called his office phone. No answer. I don’t know what else to do.’

‘Do you want me to come over?’

‘No, I’m okay. Sorry I freaked out. I was shocked. Still am.’

‘Of course you are. I could kill Carly.’

‘She was just being herself.’ Jesse took a moment and her breathing calmed. ‘Can you tell me exactly what you saw that night?’

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea. The room was dark, there were loads of people—’

‘Stop bullshitting and just tell me. I don’t need specifics. You can tell me all that on Thursday. I just want you to tell me whether the man you saw at the party was Steve.’

‘I’m ninety-nine per cent sure.’

She took another deep breath. ‘Was he drunk or . . .’ She paused. ‘High?’

‘He didn’t seem drunk but maybe he’d been taking drugs. I really don’t know, Jess.’

‘Okay.’

‘If you want to take Thursday off, it’s no problem.’

‘No, I’ll be in. Ten o’clock as usual.’

‘You sure? You sound too calm.’

‘Trust me, Stella, I’m okay.’

I wasn’t. I hung up feeling decidedly shaky. Jesse was taking the news well, almost too well. She was too calm, her emotions overly controlled. It worried me. I thought about driving over to see her, but it was late. She’d be asleep before long. Besides, Steve was probably pulling into their garage about now. I didn’t like to think of Jesse confronting him. He could wither her with a single well-placed gibe. I dreaded to think how he’d react when he found out Jesse knew what he’d been up to.

I couldn’t imagine him saying, ‘Okay, Jesse, you caught me. I was wrong, I’ll do anything you want.’ He’d never agree to a divorce if that wasn’t part of his own agenda. Jesse had told me once that their home and bank accounts were all in his name. He held all the aces: the money and the power. I found it odd in this day and age, but that summed Steve up. He needed to control every aspect of Jesse’s and the kids’ lives. She had no money of her own aside from the small amount she earned at the library.

Besides, Steve wasn’t the kind of man to give up easily. To him, image was everything. To the outside world, he lived the perfect life: the glamorous wife (even though he kept her apart from his colleagues so they wouldn’t notice that she twitched in his presence), the gorgeous twins, one girl, one boy. Steve would rather crawl naked over broken glass than admit he was wrong about anything. He’d probably enjoy it, too.

esse sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking herself backward and forward, tears streaming down her face. What to do? It had just gone eleven o’clock. She considered ringing Louisa, but she’d only spoken to her a couple of days ago.

Stella was her best friend, but Jesse couldn’t continually burden her with her secrets, regrets and desires. She knew too much already. Any more and . . . well, it would be too much for her to keep it to herself. Jesse couldn’t ask that of her. She’d get what she wanted in the end. She just had to figure out how to make it happen—how to work it to her advantage.

She stared at the ceiling as she thought back over the evening. The humiliation and shame. She could kill Steve for what he’d done. She could walk out on him tonight. And it had come from Carly, of all people! The least qualified woman Jesse knew to be lecturing her about her marriage.

She remembered a conversation with Louisa years ago. Lou was high on coke and she’d blurted out something to Jesse about how her sex life with Steve ‘must be pretty out there, given what he’s into’. Jesse had pretended she knew what Louisa was talking about so she’d continue.

‘I don’t know how you put up with it, all that nappy stuff, having to clean up after him when he shits in it.’

Jesse had thought Louisa was talking about Oliver. The next thing she knew, Louisa was packing her bags and leaving for San Francisco. Jesse had been stunned.

‘Tell me what’s happened?’ she’d begged her sister.

‘Nothing, Jesse,’ Louisa had assured her, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘I just need a break. I’ll be back.’

Famous last words.

Jesse had even resorted to questioning her mum. Dot’s response? ‘A silly misunderstanding with a friend that got out of control.’ How silly could it have been if it forced Louisa to take off overseas?

Dot also told her that Louisa would be back. ‘This is her home, darling. Besides, she loves Ollie and Emmy too much to leave them permanently.’

Six long years later, Louisa still hadn’t stepped back onto Australian soil and Jesse wasn’t a lot wiser about the reason why. Her parents didn’t talk about it, and Louisa had never confided in her sister as to why she’d left the country so abruptly.

She glanced at the clock again. Eleven thirty. Steve still wasn’t home. She got out of bed and wandered the house, trying to ignore her shaking left hand. Usually she’d check on the twins—watching them sleep always calmed her—but tonight they were at her parents’ place. She made herself a cup of green tea, retreated back to bed and tried reading her book.

What if Steve had been in an accident and was lying in a ditch somewhere? For a moment, she wished it were true. But she knew it wasn’t. He was at a sex party somewhere, snorting cocaine and possibly being infected right at this very second with an STD . . .

Stop it, Jesse!

She could barely control herself as the anger raged inside. What kind of man did this to his wife? His kids? She had loved him. Loved her family. And now? Well, now her life was in tattered ruins.

But she refused to let despair defeat her. Working hard to rein in her thoughts, she calmed her breathing, because once the dark side took hold . . .

I choose to be positive.

From the top drawer of her bedside cabinet, she pulled out a bottle of Blackmore’s Valerian and gulped two tablets, then turned off the bedside light.
I choose to be positive
. It was just after midnight.

Steve crawled into bed at three thirty. Did he really think she was naive enough to believe he’d been working until then? His boldness astounded her. She was seething. He’d ruined the life they’d built together. She shuddered to think what her parents would say when they found out—because eventually they would. Everyone would! Jesse’s life as she knew it was over. It had been built on a lie. And it wasn’t just one lie or one indiscretion. This was a completely separate secret life.

What else had Steve kept hidden from her? Another family? She’d read about that kind of thing: a seemingly straight-up family man who, after being killed in a car accident, was found to have three other wives . . . or boyfriends. She’d also read stories about sex parties going wrong and family men being murdered. It could so easily be Steve. For starters, Jesse wanted to murder him! It took every bit of strength not to roll over and knee him in the groin.

Instead, she shifted to the other side of the bed and lay there thinking as the hours ticked by.

Wednesday morning, Jesse dragged herself out of bed on autopilot and, after her mother dropped the children off, got them dressed and organised for school. Despite what catastrophes might befall you, life went on . . . In another country, there might be a tsunami, a suicide bombing, war—but in Jesse’s world, the kids still needed to be fed, their homework completed, their teeth brushed.

Last night, in between dozing, listening out for Steve and over-thinking her wretched life, Jesse had had another weird dream. This time about Louisa leaving. It had started with Louisa calling her name.

‘Louisa?’ Jesse had replied. ‘Is that you? I’m so happy. It’s so good to have you back home. I really missed you. Don’t ever leave me again.’

Jesse was standing in the middle of the flower shop where she’d worked many years ago. Ollie and Emily were young, only three or so; they were tugging at pale pink tulips in a vase. ‘Stop that,’ Jesse told them. She handed them two rolls of ribbon and a balloon each to play with and they started rolling around on the filthy wet floor.

‘I’m going,’ Louisa said.

‘But I don’t want you to leave.’

‘I have to. It’s all blown up.’

‘What has?’

But Louisa wouldn’t explain. ‘I can never come back here again.’ She was crying, sobbing Jesse’s name over and over.

Jesse reached out to put her arms around Louisa but she couldn’t seem to touch her.

‘I hate all these flowers,’ Louisa had screamed.

Then
pop!
Emily’s balloon burst, making Jesse jump. She looked around for Louisa, but she’d gone. She’d left Jesse again.

Jesse had woken up feeling startled and unsettled.

When she dropped the kids at school, she found herself lingering longer than usual at the gate.

‘I love you,’ she called as they raced off into the school yard. Emily didn’t give her a backwards glance, but Ollie turned around and ambled back to where Jesse was leaning against the car.

‘I hate seeing you so sad, Mummy,’ he said, hugging her tight. ‘Everything will be good, you’ll see.’

She nodded through her tears. ‘You have a good day, my darling. The best. I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ he said and kissed her cheek.

It took every bit of strength Jesse had to let him go. She wanted to hold him, to tell him he could take the day off so they could hang out together and go to the beach or the movies. But she didn’t. What was she doing to that beautiful boy, she wondered as she drove away. She swore he could see into her heart, that he knew what she was thinking, how she was feeling.

Once home, she forced herself to eat half a banana and then dialled Steve’s number. There was never going to be a good time for this. She didn’t have all the facts but she had enough.

‘Where were you last night?’ she started. She was trying to remain calm but could feel her voice breaking.

‘Working,’ he replied, not missing a beat.

‘And last Thursday night?’

‘Working.’

‘Liar!’

She was pacing like crazy and switching lights on and off. Flick, flick, flick. In her mind, she saw him with a range of nameless, faceless women, stroking and kissing them, having sex on leopard-skin rugs, revelling in his perversion.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Steve’s tone was measured, superior.

‘People saw you.’

‘Which people? What exactly was I supposed to have been doing?’

Jesse couldn’t believe he was carrying on with the charade. He’d been caught, and he knew he’d been caught, yet he still acted like he was God.

‘I’m not going to dignify those questions with a reply. You’re a sick man.’

‘I’m sick? That’s funny. What about you with your pacing and other obsessions?’

‘This isn’t about me, Steve.’

Silence.

‘Look,’ Jesse stammered, trying to erase the filthy images from her mind. ‘I don’t want you here. I want you to move out.’

‘Who are you to tell me I can’t live in my own house?’ he yelled. ‘A house, I might add, that I paid for. If anyone should be leaving, it’s you. You’re not a fit mother. You’re the one who’s sick.’

‘I don’t want to argue with you, Steve,’ she said, feeling faint. ‘I just can’t live with a man—’

‘What? Go on. Say it!’

‘I can’t live with you now that I know it’s all been a lie. You’re not the man you claim to be.’

‘You’re talking nonsense. Besides, it’s not me you should be interrogating. It’s those sluts you call friends!’

‘How can you say that?’

‘And as for your sister—’

She hung up before he could say another word. Arsehole.

Jesse was shaking so hard she could barely breathe. She needed to take a long, brisk walk around the neighbourhood but she didn’t think her legs would carry her that far. She was almost hyperventilating.

Steve was being a prick, acting like he was the wronged one, like he hadn’t been caught out. What more could she do? Show him photographic evidence? An ugly thought flashed into her mind: she prayed there weren’t any incriminating photos of him on somebody’s hard drive.

She contemplated taking the kids to her parents and staying with them until she figured out what to do next, but why should she have to move out of her own house?

Nausea overwhelmed her. She only just made it to the bathroom in time, threw up in the toilet, then collapsed on the cool tiles, lying silently for several minutes. She could feel the distress eating away inside her. All she wanted to do was sleep. She closed her eyes.

Sometime later, she woke feeling marginally better and slowly stood up, walked into the kitchen and popped a couple of headache tablets.

Louisa? Where did she fit in all of this? Jesse felt a little jolt at the back of her throbbing head . . . some distant memory trying to break free.

She dialled Louisa’s number.

‘Tell me what you know,’ she said when Louisa answered. ‘About Steve.’

She heard Louisa suck in air like it was in short supply. ‘Pardon?’ she said.

‘About the parties.’

Louisa hesitated. ‘I wanted to tell you—’

‘Oh God! You knew!’

Jesse’s world collapsed. Because Steve hadn’t admitted anything, she’d been hanging on to a hope that Stella and Carly had been mistaken. Stella had said it was dark at the party; they couldn’t be sure it was Steve. But now, with Louisa’s words, it all became horribly real.

‘Jesse? Talk to me. It was a long time ago. I was a different person back then.’ Louisa was speaking but Jesse couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. ‘And then six years ago—’

‘When you left Australia?’ Jesse said, trying to follow the conversation.

‘Yeah. Dad’s golf friend recognised me.’

‘Hang on. What?’

‘He told Dad that the last time he’d seen me, I’d been dressed in a black corset and suspenders and had been whipping his bare bum with a cane.’

‘What’s this got to do with Steve?’

‘Everything. Isn’t that what you’re asking me?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Jesse, I knew years ago that Steve was into this crazy shit.’

The conversation was happening faster than Jesse could process it. Louisa and Steve? With the golf guy? It didn’t make sense.

‘You were in it together?’ she asked.

‘Not exactly,’ said Louisa. ‘I was being paid.’

‘I’m confused. What are you telling me exactly?’

‘I’m telling you that when I first met Steve fifteen years ago, he was into bondage and shit—’

‘God! Fifteen years ago? But—’

‘—then he met you and I recognised him and he promised me he wasn’t into it any more—’

Jesse took a long breath. ‘And Dad’s friend?’

‘He’d been a client years before. I never expected to see him again. Then when he saw me with Dad, he assumed—’