Starting Over (16 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I
knew that I would have to tell her eventually, but something inside of me kept saying it was never the right time. Or maybe, just maybe, I was hanging on to the hope that I wouldn’t have to ever tell her. It sounds awful to admit that, but I can’t lie to myself anymore. I took the easy way out—the coward’s way out—by not saying a word about it to her.

It’s a fine line to walk as a parent: steering your children to believe that everything is great when it’s anything but. And when they do find out . . . the pain they inevitably experience as a result of your negligence is something that you wish you could take away from them.

I’ve been sitting here for the past half hour alone, trying to come up with a way to start this talk with Josie, but also giving her time to process the letter from Matthew. But I can’t put it off anymore . . . it’s time to tell her everything.

My legs trudge up the stairs as if I have weights strapped to my ankles. I approach her door and knock hesitantly.

She shouts, “Go away!”

“I can’t do that, Josie,” I say and open the door.

Josie is curled up in her bed. Her back is facing me and the slight shake of her shoulders lets me know that she’s crying. My heart breaks into a million pieces at the sight of her like this. But I’m here to make this right and try not to cry too much in the process.

“Mom, I told you to go away,” she says in a small voice, sounding more like the Josie I know . . . in between sniffles.

I sit down on her bed. “And I told you I couldn’t do that right now. I need to talk to you about your father.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, I—”

“Just listen to me, and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise, okay?”

Josie doesn’t say anything to this, so I take a shaky breath, hoping that after I’m done, she’ll have a better perspective on my past with her father and how it’s shaped the decisions I’ve made for us.

“Your father and I were so in love, once upon a time. We were together for a very long time, since college, which is where we met.” I laugh at the memory, still fresh in my mind. “Did I ever tell the story of how we met?”

Josie doesn’t turn around, but I can see her head shake against the pillow she’s resting on.

“Well, I was running around campus trying to find my next class—it was the first day of my junior year—and I was having the worst day. Just everything that could go wrong went wrong. So when I finally got to the right building, I was in a full-on sprint, and when I turned the corner I ran straight into your dad.

“I was such a little pain in the ass that I actually yelled at him for getting in my way. Well, he thought that was the funniest thing ever. Because he let me yell and yell at him while he picked up all my books from the floor and then at the very end when I was walking away to class—he was so smooth about it and smiling—he asked me, ‘What’s your name and when can I run into you again?
’
”

“That’s not very funny,” Josie says and rolls over onto her other side, finally, to face me. “Or smooth, Mom.”

I take the opportunity to lie down on my side facing her to continue the story.

“To me, it was. Plus—this was the best part—he was waiting for me outside of the class as soon as I got out.”

Her face lights up at that, so I go on again, knowing I’m going to have to hit the hard part sooner than later.

“So, we started dating . . . and then fell in love, of course. We were so different though, now that I think back on it.”

“How do you mean?” she asks.

“For one, I was an art major. Your dad was a finance major. That right there was enough. He was always a realist, when I was always the dreamer. But they say that opposites attract, and for us it worked. By the time we were seniors, we had our own apartment together off campus, and it was so great. Even after graduation, with him starting to work at his father’s financial firm and me getting my feet wet in the local art community, it was all like a dream come true, and it was like this for a couple years. Then . . .”

“Then I came along to ruin everything,” she says.

“Oh no, sweetie.” I reach up and brush aside some of her hair from her forehead. “Don’t ever say that. You didn’t ruin anything.”

“So then what happened?” she asks with genuine curiosity.

“I realized that I was pregnant with you, and I’m not going to lie to you and say that I was happy at first. Honestly, I was terrified. I was young and had my future already planned out in my head, just waiting for me to start living it. But the more I thought about it, the more I fell in love with you, and I hadn’t even met you yet.”

Josie wipes a tear away from her eye and says, “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

Taking her hand in mine, I shake my head. “No, I’m not just saying that. I mean it with all my heart, Josie. You were like this little unknown thing inside of me that was made with so much love—”

Her face scrunches up. “Mom, that’s gross.”

We both laugh, more of the tension that had been suffocating us easing its way out of the room.

“It’s the truth though. Yes, you were making me puke my guts out at the drop of a hat and making me want to sleep for most of the day
and
night, but it was more than that. It’s hard to put into words what being pregnant is like. It’s like trying to explain a sunset to someone who has never seen one before. Or trying to explain what falling in love is like for the first time if they haven’t felt their heart literally ache with that same feeling for someone. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.”

“My dad though, he didn’t feel the same way, did he?”

“I—”

“Mom, I want you to tell me the truth.”

“I am, sweetie. It hurts still when I think about it, and I haven’t spoken about it to anyone in years, so you’ll have to forgive me if it takes me a while to get it all out, okay?”

She nods and grips my hand a little tighter.

“At first he seemed okay with the idea of having a baby. I mean, we had been together so long that of course we had spoken about marriage and all that good stuff. But I think the idea of kids was in the distant future for him. Definitely not something that he was prepared to handle that soon out of college and while trying to get his career off the ground.

“So he left . . . and I was devastated. But I had to keep going for you.”

Josie moves over, closer to me, and then rolls over so that I’m spooning her. “I’m sorry he did that to you, Mom.”

“I’m sorry too,” I say.

After a long moment of both of us being completely silent and still, she asks quietly, “So then what happened?”

“You happened. Actually, you happened earlier than expected is what happened. I went into labor with you about two weeks early, and oh my God, talk about being terrified? I was scared to death. But your Uncle Alex was there for me the whole way . . . and you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was there in the room when you were born,” I say with a laugh and pull her tighter and closer against my chest. “But somebody decided to take their sweet time in making their world debut. When you finally did come, the nurse took you away to clean you up, and that made me even more scared because you weren’t crying.” I place a kiss on the top of her head as I remember that awful feeling. “Because they tell you in birthing class that babies generally cry when they’re born. Not you though. You came out quiet as a little church mouse. Then the nurse brought you over to me all swaddled up in this pink blanket—I still have it somewhere in the house, by the way—and they put you in my arms. I looked at your beautiful, perfect, tiny face and I was in love; head over heels in love with you.”

Josie pulls away and then rolls over again to face me. “And my dad?” she asks softly.

“No, sweetie, he wasn’t there. He hasn’t known anything about you and me since the day he left the both of us.” Pausing to let that settle for a second, I reach out and grab her hand, linking our fingers together. “But you look like him.”

Her eyes light up a little. “How?”

“Well, the eyes, for one, they’re definitely your dad’s eyes.” I tap her nose with a finger. “And this nose is definitely your dad’s nose. And every so often, you’ll make a certain face, and I swear it feels as if I’m talking to your father all over again.”

We’re both smiling now and are much less stressed than before I walked into this room. But now I have to explain about the letter and what’s going on with it and why I’ve kept it from her. So I gather up my last bit of courage.

“Josie, about the letter you found . . . I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry about not telling you about it sooner. I wanted to, I really did, but I kept chickening out.”

“Why?”

“I just got freaked out by it, I guess. I hadn’t heard from your dad in years, and then he sends that letter and I . . . I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to have to face him ever again after what he did to us. But the more I think about it, it’s really that I didn’t want him to ever hurt
you
again. Me, I’m a big girl and I can take it, but you . . . I can’t let him break your heart twice.”

She looks up at me, her big blue eyes shining with the residue of unshed tears. “Mom, I’m a big girl now too.”

“You are.” I take a deep breath and say what I came here to really say to her all along. “So if you want to meet him, just say the word, and I’ll call him.”

Josie chews on her bottom lip for a few seconds, then finally says, “Yes, I want to meet him. I’ve always wondered about him, and after reading that letter, I just kind of want to see him for myself, you know?”

I nod in understanding, because I do, I get it. If I were in her shoes, I’d be more than curious at this point to put a face to the ghost that has been in our lives all this time. “I get it, kid. And I’ll call him myself to set it up, okay?”

“Will you be okay though, Mom? What’s going to happen now with you?”

“What do you mean?” I ask her. “With your dad, I’ll be fine, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll put on my big girl panties and deal with it like the grown-up that I am.”

We both laugh again and then she says, “No, I mean with Mr. Thomas. I’m sorry I said those things in front of him. It was kind of embarrassing.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ll call him later and work it out.”

“He doesn’t know about any of this, does he?”

I shake my head and think to myself that I’m going to have to figure out how to go about telling Cameron about what is going on with me and Josie’s father.

“Are you . . . never mind.”

“What?” I ask, smiling.

“Well, I was wondering if how you explained being in love with my dad, if you’ve ever felt that way before or since . . . or like with Mr. Thomas.”

“I don’t know if I’m in love with Cameron, or Mr. Thomas, if that makes you more comfortable,” I say and she giggles. “But I do know that when I am with him, he makes me feel something that I haven’t felt in a very long time.”

“That’s good, right?” she asks.

“Sweetie, it’s very good, but also very scary. But don’t worry about that right now. Let’s just get through this and then I’ll figure out what’s going to happen with Cameron, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Is there anything else you want to ask me? Because now’s the time.”

She genuinely looks as if she’s thinking very hard through every little thing that she could possibly need answers to and then shakes her head. “No, I’m good.”

Dropping another kiss on her forehead, I pull away and sit up again. “So I have to go and make some calls. If you need anything, just let me know.”

As I approach her door to leave, my back facing her, she says, “I love you, Mom, and thanks for not chickening out on me thirteen years ago.”

“I love you too, and you’re welcome, kid.”

And when I leave her alone finally and close her door behind me to walk back downstairs, I think to myself that it was the best decision I ever made.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

T
he next day feels like a freaking tornado landed on my head in the form of phone calls with my attorney that go back and forth for most of the morning until finally a date is set for Josie to formally meet Matthew: this Saturday.

It’s only a couple of days away, but I’m already extremely anxious, since it will be the first time I’ll be seeing Matthew in thirteen years. And it’s not because I have feelings for him. It’s more that I have no idea what to say to him that doesn’t involve me cursing him out for leaving us high and dry from one day to the next. So I’m working on this little by little as the day approaches. Because the last thing I want to do is look anything but civil and well-adjusted in front of my daughter when this meeting happens. I need to be able to show her that I can handle it, for her sake as well as my own.

The next order of business is letting my family know. This normally wouldn’t be a big deal; or maybe it would, I don’t know. But considering how close my family is, and with them knowing how much of a mess I was after Matthew left us . . . well, I’m worried they may think I’m crazy for allowing it, especially Alex, who has been the father figure to Josie all these years that Matthew has been MIA.

So it’s with great trepidation that I make a few more calls before leaving the office and ask everyone if we can gather at Alex’s house for an impromptu family meeting. Luckily, they all agree. And thankfully, nobody asks too many questions.

That is, until my dad shouts from his office as I’m getting ready to head out and pick up Josie at school. “What’s this about a meeting at Alex’s? Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on when I’m right here, Vanessa? And this better not be anything about running off with that Cameron fellow.”

“I’ll see you at Alex’s house. I want to tell all of you at the same time. And no, this is not about me running off with that Cameron fellow,” I answer him matter-of-factly and in order of questioning, then leave the office.

Cameron . . . dammit, I forgot to call him back last night.

He called just as he promised he would to check up on me after the disaster that was supposed to be our first attempt at going out with Josie. But I was so worn out emotionally from dealing with the fallout of my screwup that I didn’t answer. And if I’m being honest with myself, I also didn’t know how to go about tackling this issue in my life with him.

I mean, it’s one thing to be a single parent, but it’s quite another when you throw in the missing link of the dad to the mix after so many years. Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal to most single parents who date. But for me, this is a brand-new ball game, and I don’t even know where to start explaining it to Cameron. The thing is that I
want
to be able to tell him and not keep secrets from him. I don’t want to have this big thing sitting between us and holding us back in any way. Especially if I truly feel the way I think I’m feeling about him and vice versa.

I also am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over worrying about this thing with Cameron, because I don’t think I should be thinking about him right now. And I feel more guilty that I’m even considering seeing him or spending time with him when my daughter so obviously needs me. So I’m trying to figure out how to balance what my daughter needs with what I can give Cameron. Which isn’t really easy to do when you’re me and haven’t been in a relationship in so long to begin with.

I’ll figure it out, I hope.

After picking up Josie, I arrive at Alex’s house a short while later to find my parents already there, waiting for me. The one time I wish they could have picked to be late would be today. But no, they of course have to beat me here, even for my own family meeting.

When I walk in the door—having let myself in with the spare key—my family is all assembled in the kitchen, whispering among themselves. My brother sees me first and makes his way over to me, concern clouding his features.

“What are you doing, Vanessa?” he asks in an even lower voice.

“Josie,” I say to my daughter, who is already making her way to Violet. “Please let me talk to your uncle for a minute, sweetie. I’ll be right there.”

“Sure, Mom.”

Alex grabs my upper arm and pulls me into the living room. “What in the hell is going on?”

I tell him everything that happened the night before, from Josie finding the letter up to this morning, when I was able to agree to a date and time for Josie to meet her father. To his credit, Alex doesn’t say a word. He lets me explain and takes it all in. As always with him, he’ll analyze the situation really quickly but very methodically, taking everything under consideration before commenting. It’s probably why I always run to him first whenever I have a problem. That and I can trust him with everything and anything in my life, including Josie’s best interests. And if he’s reading this situation as well as I think he is, then he knows this is the best way to approach it.

“Can I be there when he meets Josie on Saturday?” he asks.

Smiling, I hug my baby brother, who has always been the more responsible one out of the two of us. “No, I have to do this by myself, Alex. But thank you for asking.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, this time with a little trepidation in his voice. “I won’t say anything, you have my word.”

Pulling back, I see that he’s worried about something. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m like her dad, Vanessa. I don’t want to lose that.”

“I promise you, that will never happen.” I reach up and kiss my brother on his cheek. “You have
my
word.”

Then he smiles that dimpled smile of his that lets me know that everything is going to be okay and that he thinks I’m doing the right thing. Well, he also tells me all of this as I’m walking with him to drop this bomb on my parents’ laps, who don’t know a thing about what’s been going on. And the funny thing is, I totally believe him.

“That went pretty well, don’t you think?” I ask Josie on the drive back home. “Your grandparents are still in shock, but that’s to be expected.”

“Mom, I’m pretty sure they think you’ve lost it,” Josie says.

“Yeah, I think you’re right, kid.”

My parents were beside themselves. I can’t say that I blame them either. But thankfully, they were able to contain their thoughts and not say too much in front of Josie. Once they could see that she genuinely wanted to move forward with this, they bit their tongues.

It also helped that Alex was in my corner and expressed his encouragement, which was great for Josie to see, because it gave her a boost of confidence after seeing my parents’ initial reaction. Because in the end, this is her decision. For her to know that we will all stand behind her is the most important thing.

After we get home and run through the usual routine of homework and dinner, Josie calls it a night. I kiss her on the forehead and tell her I love her before she’s off to bed. This leaves me with one thought, or rather, person running through my mind that I need to address: Cameron.

I call him, and he answers on the second ring. “Hi, I was hoping I’d hear from you. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine and it’s a really long story.”

“Does that mean you’re not going to tell me or that you want to
tell me?” he asks. “Because if it’s too personal, I completely understand.”

For a second, I’m actually considering not telling him. That I should break it off here with him before it goes any further so I don’t have to explain and don’t have to worry about what he’ll think of me. I also feel that guilt creeping in again that I shouldn’t be worrying about this part of my life when I’m needed elsewhere. But in a flash it’s gone when I hear his voice, calm and soothing, asking me if I’m sure everything’s okay with Josie and me.

And for now, that’s enough, so I tell him everything.

He lets me talk and only asks a few questions here and there. And I thank God for that, because it makes it that much easier. Which I don’t know if I deserve, really, after having essentially kept him in the dark, thinking there was absolutely no drama in my life, when in fact, it was the polar opposite.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

I puff out a breath and answer truthfully, “I don’t know. But to be fair, I don’t know if I wanted to tell anyone. It’s embarrassing in a way.”

“How so?”

“He left me. Sorry, I mean, he left us. I’m over it, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it’s something I did or said, or if it was—”

“Vanessa,” he says suddenly. “We haven’t been seeing each other that long, which we sorely need to address soon, I hope, by the way.” He clears his throat nervously and then says, “But I can tell that you are an amazing woman and an even more amazing mother. So if I had to guess, it was him and not you or Josie that had anything to do with his decision.”

I didn’t know I needed someone other than my family to tell me this, but I did. And I genuinely feel a little lighter with Cameron seeming to be good with this new development.

“Okay, enough about me. How are you? And I know I’ve said it before, but I truly am sorry about last night.”

“I know,” he says, then goes very quiet. I’ve pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure he’s still on the call when he speaks up again. “I did mean it when I said that I really would like to see you again, but I’m kind of afraid to ask with everything that is going on in your life.”

“I want to see you again too,” I admit. And before I can talk myself out of it, I ask, “When?”

“Now.”

Laughing at his eagerness and honesty, I wish I can say yes, but it’s just not that easy for me. “I can’t right now. But maybe tomorrow night?”

“I’d like that.”

“Okay, let me get off the phone and see if I can get a sitter, and I’ll text you with the details.”

“Sounds good,” he says. “And Vanessa?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for telling me. And I’m sure everything is going to work out for the best. You’ll see.”

We end the call, I make plans for Josie to go to Alex and Julia’s house after school tomorrow, and I . . . well, I hope that Cameron is right and that everything will work out for the best.