Starting Now (42 page)

Libby walked up to the front porch and rang the doorbell.

Ava answered and immediately her eyes brightened as she threw open the screen door.

Libby opened her arms and Ava walked into her embrace, hugging her so tightly that it hurt Libby’s ribs.

“I’ve missed you so much,” the teenager whispered. “I never see you anymore.”

“I should have come sooner,” Libby whispered as she ran her hand down the back of the girl’s head. “I’m sorry, so sorry, but I’m here now. Let’s go someplace and talk. Just you and me.”

“Okay,” Ava breathed on the tail end of a sob. “Just you and me.”

Libby didn’t hear from Phillip all weekend, although she clung to the hope that he would return her calls. By Saturday night she was an emotional disaster. Convinced that she’d lost him the same way she had lost Joe, Libby cuddled up on the sofa, wrapped a blanket around her body, and hibernated the rest of the day, watching the Food Network and reruns of
Law & Order
.

Phillip was gone. He’d basically told her not to pursue him. For him there was no turning back; the decision had been made. He was through, and no amount of reassurances would change that.

Amy Jo was out of her life, too. Libby’s dream of nurturing and loving that beautiful baby girl was over. Phillip had made what seemed like hurtful accusations, telling her she had hid her grief by burying herself in her work. At the time she’d denied it, denied everything. But now she could see that he was right. When the Armstrongs had decided to adopt Ava’s baby it had felt as if the infant had been ripped from her arms. The ache simply wouldn’t go away. The distraction
she’d chosen was the same one she’d used for nearly her entire life. She studied, she worked, she did whatever it took so she wouldn’t have to face the pain confronting her.

All she had left was her career. Libby had worked hard to prove herself, to make her mother proud. Yet despite everything she’d accomplished since returning to the firm, she wasn’t happy.

How could she be happy when her personal life was in shambles? She missed her friends and the life she had carved out for herself while unemployed. She missed Phillip and the closeness they’d once shared. And yet Libby could hear her mother’s voice from her sickbed telling her how important it was to make the most out of every opportunity because life held no guarantees.

Molly Morgan had wanted Libby to be a success, but suddenly Libby realized that her mother had wanted her to be successful in
life
. Life consisted of more than top grades in school or a career in law. Happiness meant opening herself up to be with others, being loving and accepting the love of others.

Her mother had wanted Libby to be a whole person. For Libby that meant strong relationships—a husband, family, friends, and work that fit with her talents. She’d been so focused on making partner, as if the title alone would fill all the empty holes in her life.

What she’d learned from Phillip was that she needed so much more than a title on a door and a place on the company letterhead. She needed the family she’d found, the friends. Most of all she needed Phillip.

Here she was weeks away from achieving her goal and she was utterly miserable. She’d earned the position of partner, or she would very soon. She had it in the palm of her hand.

It meant nothing.

She felt nothing … nothing at all.

Not elation.

Not joy.

Not pride.

That hole inside of her should be filled up, overflowing. It wasn’t. She’d worked and stretched and searched and sacrificed for nothing.

Because she’d dealt poorly with the failed adoption, Libby had let Ava down. Phillip was right; seeing the teenager reminded her of Amy Jo, of loss. It was more than the failed adoption. It was every loss Libby had suffered throughout the years: her mother, her marriage, her job. One loss after another until they became an insurmountable pile that overwhelmed her every time she was forced to confront it. She’d let that pile come between her and Phillip, between her and their future together.

No matter what happened from this point forward Libby was determined to stay in touch with Ava. She might not have control over much else, but this she could and would do. Because Libby knew what it was like to be without a mother, she could help the young teen navigate through the twisting, turning road of adolescence. She would be Ava’s mentor. For years Libby had thought of herself as motherless. It suddenly struck her that that wasn’t true.

Libby had a mother, a wonderful, loving, supportive, encouraging mother. She just wasn’t here any longer. Molly was gone but she would always be with Libby, in the same way that Ava’s mother would always be with her.

Darlene Carmichael loved her granddaughter, but much like Libby’s father, she was caught up in her own grief. The older woman did the best she could with what she had, but that wasn’t enough for Ava. Darlene didn’t understand the emotional needs of her granddaughter in the same way that Libby’s father hadn’t understood hers. Libby was determined to provide all the encouragement and support Ava needed. No one had been there for Libby, but she would stand by Ava because she knew far too well what it was like to feel alone, isolated, and afraid.

Ava wasn’t the only person Libby had abandoned since going back to the firm. She hadn’t chatted with Lydia in weeks. The first time she’d seen Abby Higginbotham since Scott’s birthday party had been when she’d gone in search of Phillip. Because she was distraught, Libby hadn’t exchanged more than a couple of sentences with the woman she’d once considered a good friend.

Sunday morning Libby climbed out of bed after a restless night.
She had tossed and turned for hours. As she sat on the edge of her mattress, feet on the ground, she realized she had a huge decision to make. She could either move forward and take positive action, or spend the rest of her life a failure in every way that mattered.

Unsure of what to do first, she dressed and decided to attend church. Worship services were held just down the street from her condo. Libby wasn’t sure which denomination it was, but she wasn’t overly concerned. After losing Amy Jo she’d sat in the hospital chapel and ignored God, reaching out instead to her mother. Now she was willing to admit she needed God. Wanted Him in her life, guiding her.

The organ music greeted her as she ascended the church steps. She sat in the back pew and reached for the hymnal, hoping no one would notice her. Coming into the worship services her spirits were low, but gradually, as she bowed her head in prayer, a sense of peace came over her. It seemed as if God had been waiting for her to turn to Him all along. It’d taken these hits, these gigantic losses, for her to realize what she needed and how best to proceed with life.

Libby returned to her condo and sat down at her desk. She turned on her computer, and as she did so she noticed the withered plant sitting on the corner of her desk. The very plant she’d nursed back to health during her months of unemployment.

“You poor, neglected thing,” she whispered. Picking it up, she carried it into her kitchen, set it on a plate, and watered and fed it plant food. Then she set it in the sun, determined to love it back to health … if it wasn’t too late.

Sunday afternoon, Libby typed out her letter of resignation to Burkhart, Smith & Crandall. How shocked Hershel would be. Actually, she was pretty shaken herself. It might be too late for her and Phillip, although she prayed it wasn’t. This was something she needed to do for herself … for her future.

As soon as she was finished, she signed the letter and placed it inside an envelope, then contacted Robin.

“You want to go shopping and to a movie?”

“Libby, is that you?” Robin repeated as if hearing a voice from the grave. “You aren’t working? I thought you worked twenty-four/seven these days.”

“Not anymore.”

“Starting when?” Robin asked with a skeptical lilt to her tone.

“Starting today. Now, about that movie: I am absolutely craving buttered popcorn.”

“Ah …” It seemed Robin was at a complete loss for words. “Sure, I guess.”

“Great. I’ll pick you up in thirty minutes.”

The two spent a glorious afternoon together and then later Libby stopped by Ava’s house and the two went out to dinner.

“I want to be a singer,” Ava confessed over taco salads. “I think I’m good. There are auditions at school for a musical and I was thinking I should try out. What do you think?” she asked Libby shyly, her gaze focused on her food.

“Absolutely.”

Ava smiled. “Then I will. Can I call you if I get a part?”

“You can call me anytime.”

“Even if you’re at work?”

“Of course. Use my cell phone number, though. Okay?”

“Okay.” Ava’s smile softened and she reached for her glass of milk.

Monday morning, Libby had never felt better. She strolled into the office and delivered coffee and doughnuts to the receptionist.

“Hershel would like to see you right away,” Lois said.

“Perfect,” she said, so happy it was all she could do not to waltz down the hall to Hershel’s luxurious office.

He motioned her inside as soon as he looked up. “Libby, Libby, come in.”

“Good morning, Hershel.”

“You’re certainly in a cheerful mood,” he said, smiling now himself. “And I’m about to give you a reason to be even happier.”

Oh, really? Libby doubted he could say or do anything that would match the sense of peace she’d had ever since she’d typed out her letter of resignation. It meant she was back to square one, but she would deal with that. Abby had mentioned a fund-raising position at the hospital some time ago; perhaps it was still open and she could apply for it.

“The partners and I have decided you’ve done such an outstanding job since your return that we’re moving ahead and making you partner even earlier than we originally intended. You’ve proven what
an asset you are to the firm. Two new clients in three weeks. Amazing. Martha Reed is happy and we all know how much that sizable account means to this firm.”

Libby held up her hand, stopping him. “Before you say anything more, you might want to read this letter.” Stepping forward, she handed him the envelope.

Hershel frowned and tore it open. He quickly scanned the contents and as he did his eyes narrowed. “You’re resigning?”

“You said yourself I should go out and get a life, and I did. I really did, and I’ve discovered that I love my new life, the friends I’ve made, the family I’ve formed.”

Frowning, Hershel leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers beneath his chin. He motioned for her to take a seat, which she did. “What about your career?” he asked. “You’re an excellent attorney. Are you sure this is something you want to give up? What do you plan to do with yourself? Go back to your own practice?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t decided. The hospital may have a job opening for a fund-raiser.”

Hershel’s frown deepened, as if he couldn’t see her in such a position. “You’d enjoy that?”

Again she was uncertain. “I believe I would. The hours would be more reasonable.”

“It would mean a substantial cut in pay.”

She grinned and crossed her legs. “If nothing else, seven months of unemployment taught me how to live frugally. And you know what? It wasn’t so bad. And Hershel, one lesson I’ve learned through all this is that money doesn’t buy happiness. It really doesn’t. I thought making partner was the end all, and yet I’m willing to turn my back and walk away without a qualm because of what it will cost me in other ways.”

“I thought making partner was what you wanted,” Hershel said.

“I thought it was, too. But it all goes back to March fifth.”

“March fifth?” he repeated.

“That’s the day you called me into the office and let me go. I was devastated and angry. You offered me advice. At the time I didn’t
want to hear it, but I heard enough and I’m grateful I did. You claimed it was an opportunity for me. I should broaden my horizons, make friends. Basically you told me how important it was to enjoy life. I took your words to heart, not right away, mind you, but soon enough. I volunteered at the hospital and fell in love and … and had the opportunity to adopt a baby. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out.” She faltered slightly when mentioning Amy Jo and paused long enough to regain her composure. “But she’s with a good family who will love her. When I lost the opportunity to make the baby a part of my life, I reverted back to everything that was familiar. The job offer from the firm couldn’t have come at a better time and I did what I’ve always done: I buried my feelings and focused on being the best attorney money could buy.