Star (9 page)

before I met Steve. I had crushes on boys and some
had crushes on me, but nothing had ever come of it. "I read enough romance stories and stuff and
had been around Mamma enough to know about sex
and such, but when it's you, really you, it's different." "That's for sure," Misty said. Cat looked at her for a moment and then turned back quickly to me,
anticipating.
"We just held hands first. It was like both our
palms had magnets in them or something. My hand
practically floated into his and next thing I knew, we
were walking toward his room, neither of us saying a
word.
"When we got there, he let go and flopped on
his bed, on his back, looking up at the ceiling with his
hands behind his head.
"'I guess you know what it's like for me laying
around in my room and hearing my father bang into
things when he comes home from a night out there,'
he said. 'I hear him cursing and ranting. Sometimes, I
can hear him crying through the wall. That's how he
comes down from a drunk.'
"'He feels bad about what happened with your
mother,' I said.
"Steve opened his eyes wider and looked at me. "'Yeah, I suppose,' he said. 'Maybe that's why
he drinks more and more now, to forget. Only, I don't
think it helps you forget. I think it makes it come
back, only like some. . . some nightmare.'
"'I suppose you're right,' I said.
"I sat beside him and he brought his hands around and took my right hand into his and just held it, studying my fingers as if they was something special. Then he looked up at me again, his eyes practically speaking to me, drawing me toward him. I didn't even realize I had leaned so far over we were
close enough to kiss again until we did.
"Suddenly I was beside him on the bed and he
was hovering over me, his face so serious it made my
heart skip beats until he brought his lips to mine again
and then, when he touched me and unbuttoned my
blouse, my heart felt more like a wild, frantic animal
in my chest, thundering hard against my ribs. I was
scared but excited.
"It didn't take long to get half undressed. The
whole time I kept thinking Granny might be mad. I
told her I was a good girl and she shouldn't worry and
now look what I'm doing. But some other voice inside
me said I was still a good girl. This wasn't wrong. I
wanted to be loved. I needed to be loved.
"And so did Steve. We were giving something
precious to each other, something we had been denied
too long, and I don't just mean sex," I added quickly,
my eyes throwing warning darts at Jade, but she didn't
look like she was about to ridicule me anyway. She
looked sad and excited and full of sympathy, all at
once. "I loved his lips all over me. I would have given
myself to him right then and there. I know it was
foolish to be like that and not to think of protection. I
was aware of all that, but now I understood firsthand
why some girls forget or lose control. I remember I
was the impatient one, pushing myself at him, helping
him with my skirt zipper, struggling to get
comfortable.
"He pulled back the blanket and I got under as
he finished taking off his clothes. He was kissing me
and caressing me and I was thinking I'm a woman
now. I don't care what happens; I don't care.
"I felt him about to be in me when suddenly, we
heard the door open, loud laughter and a chair or
something get knocked over. Steve froze and then his
face filled with fear. He pulled back.
"'You better get dressed,' he said. 'That's him
for sure.'
"I hurriedly did so. We heard a female voice,
too. "'She's with him,' Steve said. 'It'll be worse,' he
predicted.
"Now my heart was really pounding, but in a
different way. It was more like a thump, a deep drum
vibrating my bones. I had a cold chill up and down my spine. I wasn't quite finished dressing when the door crashed open and Steve's father stood there,
wobbling and looking in at us.
"He was a big man, four or five inches taller
than Steve and probably forty pounds heavier, with
large facial features and a balding head His eyes were
a familiar bloodshot red and I thought to myself, all
drunks look alike. He had that same slobbering lip,
that same dazed, unsteady stance, that same stream of
madness running through his brain like a polluted
stream.
"'Well now, lookie here,' he declared. 'The boy
got himself some action.'
"'Shut up,' Steve told him
"His father laughed and then a small, buxom
woman came up beside him looking drunker than he
did, her hair down, her pearl white blouse open so that
her bosom was visible almost to the nipples. She had
dark freckles over her caramel cheeks. She was
attractive enough that I was surprised she was with
Steve's father. Steve had apparently gotten his good
looks mainly from his mother.
"His girlfriend laughed.
"'Well, let him be,' she said. 'He needs all the
experience he can get.'
"'That's for sure. It's about time he had a
girlfriend. I was beginning to think he wasn't all right,'
his father declared and swayed.
"'Shut your foul mouth!' Steve shouted at him "His father seemed to swell, his shoulders
rising and his neck thickening.
"'Who are you talking to, boy?'
" 'C'mon, let 'em be,' his girlfriend said and
tried to pull him away, but Steve's father hovered
there, so wide he almost filled the doorway. She
tugged to no avail and walked away.
"Steve turned his back on his father.
"'Don't you have a smart mouth,' his father
warned pointing a finger that looked as wide as my
hand. "'Come on,' Steve told me. 'Let's go.'
"I was very frightened, but I walked toward the
door with him. His father didn't move. He smiled
instead and his eyes bounced from my terrified face
down to my breasts, lingered for a moment and then
went lower and lower to my feet before they traveled
back upward, making me feel as if he could look right
through my clothes.
"'She's a nice one,' he said. 'What's she doing
with you?'
"He laughed at his own stupid remark. Steve stepped between him and me and nudged him just enough to get him to step back so I could pass. I didn't see it, but his father slapped Steve on the back of his head. I heard it, but Steve didn't step; He pushed me
forward faster as his father began to rant.
"'Who are you pushing, boy? You show me
respect. I'm your father, hear? Who are you pushing?' "We paused for a moment in the kitchen. His
father's girlfriend was pouring herself some gin. She
looked up at us.
"'You're welcome to a nip,' she said, tut not
much more. I'm not saying you're too young. I just
don't want to give it away.' She laughed.
"'Keep it and drown in it,' Steve told her. "'What did you say to Debbie?' his father cried. "Steve urged me on and we left the house
quickly, Steve's father raging behind us, screaming,
'What did you say, boy? What did you say to Debbie?' "We could hear her laughing. I was glad to shut
the door on it all. We hurried down the sidewalk and
into the street.
"'I'll walk you to the bus stop and wait with
you,' Steve said. 'Sorry about all that, but now you
know what I live with.'
"I felt terrible for him, but I was also happy to
be out of there and on my way home to Granny. "At the bus stop, he sat with his head down,
apologizing and swearing he was going to do
something about it all.
"'Don't get yourself into any trouble with him,' I
advised. 'Soon enough you'll be on your own and
you'll have your trust money and you can leave.' "'Not soon enough,' he said.
"Because the wait was long for the bus, we had
time to calm down. I told him my granny had wanted
him to come to our house for dinner.
"'She really wants to meet you,' I said.
`Rodney's still talking about you all the time' "He laughed and promised he would come as
soon as I asked Granny what night. I expected it
would be on the weekend.
"'Maybe the two of us can take Rodney
someplace like the zoo or something and then come
back for dinner,' I suggested.
"He said fine. The bus came. We kissed
goodnight and I got on. He stood there on the
sidewalk looking up at me until the bus started away,
and then he turned and reluctantly walked back
toward his house and what awaited him
"Granny was right, I thought. I guess I could feel sorrier for someone else than I did for myself. I
certainly felt that way for him that night:'
I looked at the three others, their eyes
unmoving, all looking like they were holding their
breath under water.
"But I had no idea even then how bad it was all
going to get for both of us."

"I waited for Steve at his locker the next morning until the last bell rang for homeroom. He never showed up for school all that day. Lunchtime, I called his house because I was worried about him, but the operator came on to say the phone had been disconnected.

"'Why?' I screamed into the receiver.
"She cut me off and I fumed, frustrated. After school, I hurried Rodney home and shouted to Granny I had to go someplace and I would be back later. She called after me, but I practically ran out of the house. It started raining lightly, and I missed one bus connection and had to run in the drizzle nearly eight blocks to make another. It was almost five o'clock by the time I reached Steve's street. My hair was soaked and so were my clothes and sneakers.
"Nothing looked any different about the house from the way it had looked the day before, except now it was darker because of the overcast sky and no lights on inside. I knocked on the door and waited and then knocked again, louder. Finally, it opened and there stood Steve with a big bruise on his swollen right cheek. His eyes went from surprise to happiness to anger.
"'What are you doing here?' he asked gruffly and turned away so I couldn't get a good view of his bruise.
"'I was worried when you didn't show up at school. I tried to call you at lunchtime, but the operator said your phone was disconnected.'
"'It is. He didn't pay the bill again,' Steve said.
"'My momma was always forgetting to do that too,' I said.
The rain started to get harder once more and the wind blew it in under the porch roof.
"'Can I come inside?' I asked.
"He stepped back.
"'Why are you keeping it so dark in here?' I asked immediately.
"'I was in my room. I didn't even notice,' he said. He kept looking down at the floor.
"'What happened, Steve? He hit you when you returned to the house yesterday, didn't he?' I asked him.
"'I don't want to talk about it,' he said. 'You shouldn't have come.'
"'Is he here?' I asked, thinking that was why he had said that.
" `No, he's with Debbie. It's her birthday,' he told me. 'Just another excuse to get plastered.'
"'I'm sorry, Steve,' I said. He turned to me.
"'What are you sorry for?' he asked.
"'Maybe I caused the trouble by coming here yesterday,' I said.
"'Trouble was here long before you came,' he said.
He finally smiled. 'I'd risk a lot more to have you here,' he added. 'Look at you,' he said finally taking a good look at me. 'You got drenched.'
"'I know." I was beginning to feel chilled as the dampness soaked through my clothes and to my skin.
"'Come on,' he said, 'I'll get you some clean towels. You can use my mother's old hair dryer. It still works,' he added and I followed him to his room.
"He brought me some towels and watched me dry my hair and then I started to take off my clothes. I thought I might throw them into his clothes dryer for twenty minutes. He just stood there looking at me and I kept undressing until I was completely naked."
I heard Misty suck some air through her lips. Cat was looking down as if she couldn't look at me when I told them these things. Only Jade looked pleased, that small, pretty smile on her lips again.
"Yes," I said to her. "It happened." I paused and she looked disappointed, afraid I wasn't going to tell her how and why.
"His face just seemed to soften. It was like all the hardness and pain evaporated before my eyes and he looked almost like a little boy.
"My skin was still damp from the wet clothes, but I didn't dry myself. The excitement flowed through me and warmed my heart.
"'You're so beautiful,' he said and he came to me and we kissed. He scooped me up and gently placed me on his bed as he stepped back and undressed. Once again, we were both under his blanket, embracing, kissing.
"He stopped and said, 'Last night, after it was all over, I fell asleep dreaming about you, imagining us right here. I hoped and even prayed it might happen, and when I opened that door before and saw you standing there, you looked like a dream come true.'
"'Even with my hair soaked? Didn't I look more like a drowned rat?' I asked him.
"'Hardly,' he said. 'Usually, I wouldn't have any faith in dreams and prayers and hopes, but you made me believe when you came here yesterday,' he said, as if it had been an earth-shattering decision for me to do so. 'I guess I expected you'd be here, somehow, someway again.'
"To prove it he reached under the pillow and produced a condom. Of course, I had seen them and of course, I knew what it was for, but it frightened me for a moment and he saw that in my face.
"'We don't have to go further if you don't want to,' he said:'
"What did you say?" Misty blurted, impatient with the small pause. I couldn't help it. My heart was pounding, just telling-them
"I didn't say anything," I told her. "I just kissed him and that was enough of an answer. It wasn't as painful for me as it was for you and that wasn't because I wasn't a virgin or anything," I added quickly. "It's not the same for everyone.
"Afterward, we fell asleep in each other's arms. We slept like that for nearly an hour and a half. I woke first and then he did and we greeted each other with smiles and kisses until I realized what time it was and how angry and upset Granny could be. I couldn't call her because his phone was disconnected.
"'I gotta go, get to a phone and go home,' I told him I had forgotten to dry my clothes. He gave me one of his pullovers and a pair of his jeans, which were way too big, of course, but I rolled up the legs and tied a belt around the waist. I used the hair dryer on my sneakers and put on a pair of his sweat socks. I know I looked a sight, but I didn't care. I was actually happy I was wearing his clothes. I put mine into a paper bag and then he walked with me to the bus stop. We found a pay phone on the way, but vandals had stuffed gum into the slots.
"'I'll just go home,' I told him "You going to come to school tomorrow?' I asked.
"'Yeah,' he said. 'I'll meet you at the locker in the morning.'
"The bus came moments after we arrived and I was on it, waving good-bye. He looked so happy and my heart was so full and hopeful. All the terrible things in my past seemed to dwindle next to his smile. Love is really more powerful than hate, I thought.
"I didn't know. I didn't know," I said and paused.
I was crying and my throat felt so tight, I couldn't swallow.
"Easy," Doctor Marlowe said. "You're doing really well, Star. It took a long time to get you to this place. Don't give up."
I nodded, took a deep breath and looked at the girls. They all wore looks of deep fear. Misty and Jade had actually moved closer to each other and Cat embraced herself so tightly, anyone would think she would come apart if she didn't.
"Of course, Granny was very upset when I got home. She had given Rodney dinner and cleaned up, but it was like her to leave a plate out for me and keep some of her stew warming.
"'Where've you been, child?' she asked from her rocker. 'I've been sick with worry. How come you're dressed like that? Where's your clothes?'
"'They're in this bag, Granny,' I said holding it up. 'I got caught in a rainstorm and soaked to the skin.'
"'Whose clothes are these?' she asked, her eyes more like two tight slits of darkness.
"'They're Steve's,' I said and then I tried to explain it all quickly. 'I'm sorry, Granny, but I had to rush out like that and I couldn't call you. Steve's father didn't pay their phone bill and their phone was disconnected. I knew something was wrong with him when he didn't come to school today.'
"I told her about Steve's bruise and I told her I had spent time with him to help him. No," I added quickly, anticipating Jade's question, "I didn't tell her what we did or too much detail.
"'That don't sound good, Star. You best not go to that house no more. You promise me that,' Granny demanded.
"I shook my head.
"'I can't promise you that, Granny. I love Steve,' I said.
"She made a face, twisting her mouth like strips of clay and folding her brow like folding a fan and shook her head.
"'Lord, you can't be in love with no boy that fast and you're too young for such talk. Now don't go making the same mistakes your momma made and end up on the same dead-end road, child. You promise me you won't go to that house no more, hear?'
"I shook my head. 'No,' I cried back at her. 'I'll never make such a promise.'
"I ran to my room and just stood there staring at myself in the mirror. Then I started to cry. She came to my door.
"'You eat anything?' she asked.
" No.'
"'Well come on then. Have some of the stew.'
"'I'm not hungry,' I said.
"'You don't eat something hot after getting soaked, you're going to get sick. Have some stew,' she insisted. 'Get out of those clothes and come on out here now, Star.'
"I didn't want to aggravate her any more so I did what she wanted. Rodney sat at the table while I ate and told me about a new game he played in physical education class. I only heard bits and pieces. My thoughts kept returning to Steve and our time and the way he looked when I waved to him from the bus. It was like a picture that had been printed forever and ever on my brain.
"Granny didn't talk any more about it. She went into the living room to watch her television shows. Rodney sat at her side and I went to my room and just thought about Steve, fantasizing about our lives together, how when he was old enough to get his trust, we would go off and get married and love each other better than any two people. I'd be a good mother and he would be a good father because we both knew what it meant to have terrible parents.
"Before I went to sleep that night, Granny came to my doorway to ask if I was feeling okay.
"'Yes,' I said. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, but I had to go,' I told her.
"She stared at me for a long moment and then said, 'I hope you're still a good girl, Star. The easiest thing to lose in this world is your own self-respect and that's the hardest thing to get back, too. Just look at your momma.'
"I didn't want to keep being compared to Momma. I hated the thought, so I just turned my back and pretended to go to sleep. I didn't for a long time Granny's face and words haunted me even though I didn't feel like I should think of myself as being a bad girl. I really and truly loved Steve. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more and I thought if this isn't love, if I'm too young to be in love, then I'll never be in love.
"Granny was fine the next morning. Rodney and I left for school. I was never so excited to go. I was at the lockers early and loitered, trying to act as if I had to straighten mine out. It grew later and later. The first bell for homeroom rang and Steve wasn't there again. I waited anyway and was late to homeroom. My teacher was upset and bawled me out, but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. I kept anticipating Steve's arrival.
"I can see in your faces that you know what I'm going to say next," I told the others. "He never came to school."
"Oh no," Misty said.
"Yes," I said. "He and his daddy got into it even worse than before. I don't know why. I never really found out details, but I always thought it was because of me:'
"How come you never knew? Didn't Steve tell you?" Misty asked.
"He couldn't," Jade answered for me. Her eyes nearly stabbed me with their penetrating glare. "Right?"
"That's right," I said. "He couldn't."
"Why not?" Misty asked.
"His daddy beat him badly. He fought back and his daddy hit him so hard, he knocked him into a coma."
With my eyes closed, I said it all as fast as I could. It was like swallowing cod liver oil or something. You wanted to get it over fast.
No one spoke or asked anything. They waited for me to open my eyes and take a breath. I looked at Doctor Marlowe. It was always hard to go past this point. Sometimes I could; sometimes I couldn't.
"That whole day in school, I kept hoping he would show up late. I knew he would if he could because he would anticipate what I was going through, but he didn't come. The day ended and he never appeared. I was like a zombie in class, hardly hearing anything. In math I didn't even hear the teacher call on me and I got bawled out for that, but I didn't much care.
"I was afraid to go to his house again right after school, afraid of what Granny would say and how angry she would be, but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call. The phone was still disconnected.
"I told her Steve hadn't come to school. She lectured me about how it was between him and his father and I shouldn't get too deeply involved, but I was deeply involved. It was too late to think of not being there. I couldn't eat. I did the best I could to please her and I helped her with the dishes and then I moped about, hoping that somehow he would get to a phone and call me. Why doesn't he call? I kept wondering.
"I was tempted to run out again so many times that night, but I held on to the hope that he would be in school the next day and the mystery would be over. Maybe he was still just too embarrassed to show up with that bruise and egg-shaped swelling on his cheek.
"Of course, I couldn't get around the fact that he would have called me or gotten some message to me about it somehow. Something was wrong. I knew it in my heart. I felt it in my stomach.
"The next day I waited at the locker and he didn't show up, but instead of going to homeroom, I went to the office and asked to speak to the guidance counselor, Mr. VanVleet, who had once given Steve advice about his father, advice he respected.
"'What can I do for you, Star?' he asked. `You're going to be late for homeroom again, you know.'
" `I know, but I've got to talk to you,' I said desperately enough for him to agree. He told his secretary to inform my homeroom teacher I was with him.
"'Okay,' he said taking his seat behind his desk. `What's so important this morning?'
"'I'm worried about Steve Gilmore,' I said and I told him how we had planned to meet at the lockers yesterday and then how I waited today. I told him quickly why I was worried. He didn't interrupt, but when I was finished, he looked down at his desk and then shook his head and looked up at me.
" `I'm sorry to tell you that there was domestic violence in that house night before last. The police arrested Steve's father after some woman made a nineone-one call and the paramedics found Steve unconscious. He's in St. Mary's hospital and he's in a coma,' he told me.
"Things get kind of gray for me at this point," I said. I looked at Doctor Marlowe.
"I guess this is about where we are, where we've been," I said, looking at her. She nodded.
"I can remember the pain. It was like when you get a paper cut and it stings so bad, only this cut was right through my heart. I felt all the blood leaking out. My head was suddenly very light and my legs felt wobbly, but I didn't faint. I remember that I nodded and left the office.
"When I stepped into the hallway, I remember I looked down toward my homeroom, but I found myself outside the school. I ran a lot. Eventually, I got on the right bus. Don't ask me how I knew where I was going at that point. I guess something takes over inside you, some second-self that works you like a robot.