Standing Strong (3 page)

‘It's really you,' he muttered, a lump forming in his throat. To see this guy out here in his own environment when not much more than a week ago he'd thought he hadn't much of a chance was quite overwhelming. The roo was now just metres away; one or two decent bounds and he'd be on top of him. Damien wished he'd remained standing. He felt a little vulnerable, sitting down like this. The roo hadn't shown any sign of aggression while in their care, but you could never be totally sure what any creature with a brain might do.

He held his breath and put his hand out towards the battered-looking creature, which was now just a long neck and arm stretch away. They stared at each other. Suddenly the roo stretched its neck the final distance and positioned his head right under Damien's hand. He obliged by scratching the soft, slightly wiry fur on the roo's head. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

In a cloud of dust, the roo turned and bounded back down into gully towards where the other roos had resumed their grazing. Damien was left wondering if the encounter had really happened, or if his mind was playing tricks on him. His chest ached. After a few moments he gathered himself, rubbed a sleeve roughly across his cheeks, carefully got up, and set off back home with his menagerie in tow. God, it was all too much, too emotional. But, damn it, despite how sad he felt, it felt good – happy-sad, like the end of a movie.

Damien was desperate to call Jacqueline and tell her about his encounter with the young buck, but he restrained himself; it was one of those you-had-to-be-there moments. Sure, she'd be pleased for him and would ooh and ahh in all the right places, but the moment was already lost. Besides, they would share plenty together down the track.

He did want to see her today, though; he wanted to get her thoughts on the house plans. He'd pop in and surprise her for lunch at work. He knew she didn't schedule appointments between twelve and one.

Meanwhile, he had a stack of things to do. He thought he might get a bit bored now he didn't have all the farm jobs to do, thanks to the fire, but there was a lot of administrative stuff regarding Esperance to deal with. Ordinarily he hated paperwork and had been quite happy to leave the farm paperwork in his mum's capable hands, but Esperance was totally his venture. And, anyway, this paperwork was a means to an end. It was an important part of things, not just a pain in the arse, like he'd usually viewed it. God, he'd really had a few things the wrong way around in his brain. But he'd got his shit together now and had a clean slate. Thanks to the fire, there was a nice clear line drawn in the sand, so to speak. It was filthy, actually.
Everything
was filthy, thanks to the soot and grime.

Chapter Three

Jacqueline's morning was quiet, with two people cancelling appointments; it seemed a cold was making its way through the district. While she didn't like the extra time it afforded her to think about her predicament, she was thankful to be spared the germs. The last thing she needed was to get sick.

It was almost lunchtime. She'd meant to pack something at home, but in her distressed state she'd completely forgotten. She really didn't want to head out to the bakery; didn't feel up to smiling and chatting when she was carrying this burden. But her stomach rumbled as if to remind her that life went on and she couldn't hide in here all day. She considered indulging in a few chocolate biscuits, but knew the last thing she needed was to feel sick from too much sugar – she already felt queasy.

She had run out of tears and sadness in the shower that morning. After all, it was only her job she was giving up – she still had Damien. She had briefly felt sad at losing the little cottage that came with her job. She hoped Ethel might put her up for a few days while she found another rental, and she hoped her parents might tide her over financially, if it came to that. She would hate not being independent, but she couldn't leave Wattle Creek now. Maybe she could get some bar work in the pub.

Having forced herself to stop with the what-ifs and the self-pity, she now just felt mostly numb, lost, and bewildered that everything could go so spectacularly wrong so quickly, that it was of her own doing, and all because she'd blocked something very important out of her mind.

But she'd written her resignation letter to Doctor Squire and printed it out. It was sitting in her in-tray – where she kept looking at it – in case any changes came to mind. Doctor Squire had got caught up at the hospital. She didn't want to give it to Louise and Cecile and risk them opening it, nor did she want to slide it under his door where they might find it first. Anyway, all those options were gutless. She needed to look him in the eye and 'fess up to her crime like the adult she was. She'd considered begging him to keep her on as an unregistered counsellor, but had decided she'd leave him to make that suggestion if he wanted to. She was the one who had done the wrong thing – she had no right to ask for any concessions. If he wanted to offer them, then that was up to him. Though, knowing what little she did of Doctor Squire, she figured he'd be keen to wipe his hands of her as quickly as possible. Jacqueline was startled from her thoughts by a knock on the door. She hoped it wasn't Louise or Cecile wanting her to head out for lunch. They both knew she was there, so there was no hiding, and no being rude. She plastered a smile on her face to help her voice sound cheery and called, ‘Come in.'

The door opened and there stood Damien. Dear, sweet Damien with his brooding eyes and floppy dark hair, wearing what she knew was a joey in a pouch on his chest. Beside him was Squish. She couldn't help but beam at the scene, it was so cute. And yet also a painful reminder.

‘We've come to have lunch with you. If you don't already have plans?' Damien said, carefully leaning across her desk to kiss her.

‘No, no plans.'

‘Excellent,' he said, placing two white bakery bags on her desk. He pulled the two chairs in front of her desk closer. Squish leapt onto one and sat there looking very pleased with himself. Damien went to sit down, but appeared to change his mind. ‘Actually, do you mind if I hang this little one over the chair? I think she'll fit.'

‘Go right ahead.'

Jacqueline looked on with amusement as he set about organising the bundle. Finally he settled in his chair.

‘Right, egg, lettuce and mayo or ham and salad. Your choice.'

‘Egg. Thanks very much.' Ham and salad was Damien's preference, she knew that – he was just being polite.

The joey's head popped out of the pouch like a periscope and she looked around, taking in her new surroundings.

‘Uh-oh, looks like someone's awake. Damn, I was hoping I'd have another hour or so.'

‘What's the problem?'

‘She's going to want to hop out and stretch her legs.'

‘I don't mind.'
It's not my office, and I won't be here for much longer, anyway.

‘Well, there's nothing we can do about it. If she wants to get out, she'll get out,' Damien said with a laugh.

Seconds later the joey had climbed out of the pouch, found her feet, and begun making her way around Jacqueline's office to check it out.

They tucked into their sandwiches – Damien with gusto, Jacqueline less so. She was pleased to see that Squish had his own lunch – a few crusts of wholemeal bread. She found herself struggling to be normal with Damien, to even look him in the eyes. But she'd sorted out the mess – well, as good as – so what was her problem?

Finally they were screwing up their paper wrappers and leaning back in their chairs, satisfied. An awkward silence loomed.

‘So, how's it all going?' Jacqueline asked, and cursed how professional she sounded.

‘All good. Coming together. Thankfully it's not as hectic as last week's whirlwind. Actually, can you look at the house plans and give your opinion?' he asked, reaching down and picking up a roll of papers she hadn't noticed. She'd been too busy thinking how good it was to see him, despite the fact he was a sad reminder that her career was over.

‘Sure.'

They chuckled as the young roo did one more lap of Jacqueline's office before finding her pouch and somersaulting back in.

‘That's so cute,' she said, wistfully.

‘It is. I never get tired of seeing her do that. Hey, are you okay?'

‘Yes, fine. Why?'

‘You don't seem totally yourself. You seem, I don't know, troubled.'

‘Probably tired. It's been a crazy few weeks, though nothing compared to what you've been through.'

Damien frowned. ‘Well, if you're sure. You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?'

‘Yep. It's all good,' she said, smiling, but unable to quite bring herself to look him in the eye. She felt a stab of guilt as sharp as a knife dig in under her ribs. Should she just tell him?

‘Right, so,' he said, standing up to lean across her desk and unroll the plans. ‘I just want to know if you think I need to make any alterations. I'm disappointed you didn't get to see through the place that day before …' Damien unrolled the large sheets without finishing his sentence and began collecting objects from her desk to hold the unruly corners down.

Suddenly they were both staring at the letter to Doctor Squire in full view on top of her in-tray. Damn it, she should have at least tucked it into one of the middle trays. But she'd become distracted by the cuteness of Damien and his small menagerie, and then hadn't really had a chance. Regardless, there, staring up at them in clear, bold, underlined type were the words:
Re: Resignation of psychologist position
. Jacqueline felt her cheeks heat up. Damien, frowning, looked from the piece of paper to Jacqueline.

‘You're resigning?'

‘It's okay. It's all good.
We're
all good,' she said, trying to sound bright.

‘But I thought you liked it here in Wattle Creek.'

‘I do.'

‘So, why are you leaving?'

‘I'm not.'
Well, I hope I'm not.

Now Damien looked really confused. Jacqueline sighed, swallowed, took a deep breath, and opened her mouth. ‘I've made a huge mistake …'

Damien sat in stunned silence as she told him everything. And then, just as she had that morning, he tried to find another solution. And to every suggestion, she shook her head. She'd been through every scenario, looked at it all from every angle.

‘Resignation is the only way,' she said when they'd gone around and through it all for a second time.

Damien nodded a few times slowly. He clearly saw it now too. ‘It's not fair,' he said sadly.

‘I know it doesn't seem like that, but I should have known better.'
I still can't believe I managed to block it out
. ‘I should never have got involved with you – well not for two years,' she said with a wry smile. It felt better to have it out in the open, as horrible as it was.

‘I guess rules are rules. But you've worked so hard to get where you are. All those years of study just to …'

‘Hey, it's okay, we've still got each other. This way there's no problem.' Jacqueline didn't like the look that crossed Damien's face. What was it – scepticism?

‘But what if Doctor Squire accepts your resignation and doesn't ask you to stay on as an unregistered counsellor?' It was the one option they hadn't discussed, as if voicing it might make it too real, or make it come true.

‘I'll cross that bridge when and if I get to it.'

‘But what about the town? We need you.'

‘I'll still be here – nothing will change.'

‘Only if Doctor Squire offers to keep you on.'

‘Yes.'

‘You're putting an awful lot of faith in him thinking of something out of the box.'

Jacqueline stayed silent. She knew that all too well.

‘And you've said you've already been in trouble with him before …'

‘Yep.'

‘I think you should be upfront about what you want. As it is, you're leaving far too much to chance. What does Auntie Ethel say?'

‘I haven't had a chance to ask her. She's gone to visit her new granddaughter, Tilly.'

‘Oh, that's right. But you could call her mobile.'

‘I don't want to bother her with my problems.'

‘Jacqueline, this isn't just your problem. This is potentially the whole town's problem – the whole
district's
.'

It was on the tip of Jacqueline's tongue to tell him he was being a bit melodramatic, but she could see how it might look to him. They'd never had a dedicated psychology service in the area before and now they were coming around to the idea of seeking help, discussing their problems – they wouldn't want it taken away.

They both sat silently for a few moments, Damien so deep in thought she could practically see cogs turning beneath his skull. She wondered what was churning there.

Finally, he looked up. ‘Okay. So this is what I think,' he said boldly. ‘We have to stop seeing each other.'

‘What?' Jacqueline was engulfed by a mixture of fear and disbelief.

‘I'm serious. We're no longer an item.'

‘You're dumping me?' Jacqueline almost laughed. It was almost laughable. He was playing some kind of game. She wanted to tell him the room wasn't bugged – they didn't have to pretend in case someone was listening.

‘Yes. We're not together. We're not doing anything wrong with regards to your ethics. I'm not going to be partially responsible for this town losing their psychologist and you losing your career after all the hard work you've put in.'

Jacqueline gaped at him. ‘But …'

‘We'll just have to hope no one dobs you in. And then, in two years, or twenty three and a half months – or whatever it is – we'll be okay to take up where we left off.'

‘Are you serious? You're prepared to wait two years for us to be together.'