Standing in the Rainbow (52 page)

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Authors: Fannie Flagg

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BOOK: Standing in the Rainbow
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The women of Elmwood Springs jumped in and did their share. Aunt Elner donated fifteen jars of fig preserves to be raffled off at the VFW bingo game. Norma lobbied all the wives of the men in the Missouri Hardware Association, and Ruby Robinson, who was a bigwig in the Registered Nurses of Missouri organization, brought them in as well. They were easy. Having been pushed around by male doctors every day, they knew how it felt to be bullied by men. Dixie Cahill put on an outdoor show downtown called “Tapping for Dollars” that raised quite a bit, mostly to get them to stop tapping, as Ed the barber claimed. Even Poor Tot, who could not afford it, donated a day of beauty care to raise money. Mother Smith called an old college friend of hers, Juliette Low, the founder of the Girl Scouts, and got them on the march. Verbena did not have a lot of money but she did threaten to lock her husband, Merle, out of the house if he said one more word about how a female had no business in politics. That was something she could do at least and it did shut him up.

The widows of the men who had disappeared with Hamm, Mrs. Seymour Gravel and Mrs. Wendell Hewitt, and even the former Mrs. Rodney Tillman, went on the campaign trail to try to help Betty Raye, and Mrs. Ursa Figgs, mother of the late Cecil Figgs, despite being a lifelong Republican, donated a great deal of money to the cause. Money came in from hundreds of pancake suppers and bake sales and a lot of poor farm women just sent in their egg money, but it added up. The men were now threatened and really started to go after Betty Raye with the most vicious attacks yet.

Finally, Minnie Oatman had had enough. She went to the phone on the wall outside the dressing room in Columbus, Mississippi, and dialed.

“Elvis,” she said. “It’s Minnie Oatman.”

“Oh, yes, ma’am,” he said, happy to hear from her. “How are you?”

“Honey, my girl Betty Raye is running for governor of the state of Missouri and they is beating up on her pretty bad. I need you to make a personal appearance at one of her rallies. Could you do that for me?”

“Yes, ma’am. I’d be glad to, just tell me when and where you want me. I’ll be there.”

Elvis loved gospel. Although he made his money on rock and roll, it was still in his heart his favorite. Mrs. Gladys Presley, Elvis’s mother, was Minnie’s biggest fan and he’d grown up hearing the Oatman family and had gone to many of their all-night sings in Memphis when he was a boy. Minnie had always been nice to his mother and his daddy, Vernon. That went a long way with him. He would be there if he had to cancel something else to do it.

If one thing could be said about gospel people, it was that they were loyal, or, as Minnie put it, “When the chips is down, gospel people will stand behind you.” Not only did Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash, and the Carter sisters show up, but every other gospel group in the country came to Missouri at one time or another to help her out. And that went a long way with the voters. As did the hundreds of buckets of free fried chicken at every rally that Bobby Smith, who was now running the entire Fowler Poultry Enterprises, had donated to help out his friend. After all, if it had not been for Betty Raye he would never have gotten out of grammar school.

As her numbers started to rise in the polls, Vita began to worry a little more about Betty Raye’s safety. There were bodyguards, of course, but Hamm had also had a bodyguard and it had not helped save him. But Vita need not have worried. Betty Raye had something Hamm did not: Alberta Peets. Alberta never left Betty Raye’s side for an instant. There was not a man or a group of men alive that could get past her to Betty Raye and live to tell the tale.

As for Betty Raye herself, as time went by she became more confident and sure of herself. She was finally able to speak to groups of people without shaking or dropping her papers. It had happened during one of her campaign stops. Vita knew Betty Raye had turned a corner when, speaking in Clark County, she had remarked to the crowd, “You know, I have a special place in my heart for Clark County. My late husband and I spent our honeymoon a few miles down the road . . . so you might say that Hamm Junior got his start right here.”

Hamm Jr., who was sitting behind her at the time, turned beet red, but she did receive 78 percent of the Clark County vote.

On the morning after the special election, Neighbor Dorothy did her show as usual and at the end, before she signed off, she said, without fanfare, “Well, congratulations to our brand-new governor. We always feel sorry for the other fellow that loses but, as they say, may the best man win. Only from now on we might have to change that old saying to ‘May the best person win.’ This is Neighbor Dorothy with Mother Smith on the organ saying have a nice day and remember . . . you make our days so happy, so do come back and see us again, won’t you?”

THE SEVENTIES

A New Decade

 

I
N
1970, after a long illness, the Smith family lost Mother Smith. That same year, Bobby and Lois had another boy. The world in general had changed very little except that a man had walked on the moon and everyone in Elmwood Springs was elated that America had done it first. Aunt Elner had been the only one over at Macky and Norma’s house that night at the moonwalk party who felt sad about it. When Linda asked her why she was not as excited as everybody else she said, “Oh, but I am. It’s just that I can’t help but feel sorry for that poor Neil Armstrong.”

“Why would you feel sorry for him, Aunt Elner?”

“Because, honey,” she said, “after you’ve been to the moon, where else is there to go?”

She had a point.

Linda Warren, Macky and Norma’s daughter, was a pretty girl with reddish-blond hair and although Norma had tried to be different, she wound up saying and doing all the annoying things to Linda that her mother had when she had been a teenager. Her favorite complaint, when Linda did not do what she wanted, was “You’re just like your daddy.” However, there was some truth to the statement. Linda, a real daddy’s girl, was much more like her father in likes and temperament. She loved baseball and fishing and was great at sports.

And despite all the nagging and pleading by Norma, she had refused to take the course in domestic science in school and much to her mother’s horror, had taken shop instead. Linda told her mother that she would much rather learn how to make a birdhouse than bake a cake and, as usual, Macky agreed with her. “I don’t know how you expect to raise a child and take care of a husband if you can’t even boil an egg or make a bed!” said Norma.

When Betty Raye had been elected for her second term as governor, the first thing she had done was to appoint Vita Green as the state’s first female lieutenant governor. So, unbeknownst to most people, Hamm’s wife and mistress wound up pretty much running the state. They had the help of Peter Wheeler and other smart people who were brought into the administration. Betty Raye also named her old friend the former short-order cook to an office she had created, as adviser to the governor on disabled veterans’ affairs. After the Trolley Car Diner closed, Jimmy moved to Jefferson City and did a good job helping her out with many things. Alberta Peets, what with the murder and all, could not serve officially but she did get an early pardon and stayed on as Betty Raye’s private secretary. Earl Finley said he would not live to see the end of the Hamm Sparks era and he was right. He had a stroke in 1969.

But Betty Raye was not the only Oatman doing well. In 1970, the State Department put together a goodwill tour featuring a tribute to American music and the Oatman Family Gospel Singers were chosen to represent southern gospel. They traveled to sixteen countries and had a wonderful time, especially the night of the performance in London at the Royal Albert Hall.

Minnie was so excited to meet the Queen Mother that after she did the curtsy they had taught her, which on a three-hundred-pound woman was more of a dip, she clapped her hands in delight at the very sight of her. “Well, if you are not just the cutest thing in your little crown. I know we are not supposed to touch you but I could just hug your neck.” The Queen Mother, fascinated with the large American woman in the red dress and rhinestone glasses with her hair piled up almost a foot high on her head, listened to her prattling on. “You know, you may not know it, but you and me has a lot in common. Your girl turned out to be a queen and mine is the governor of the state of Missouri. So we must have did something right, didn’t we, honey?”

“Indeed we did, Mrs. Oatman,” said the Queen Mother, smiling as she moved on to greet Rosemary Clooney.

As to the ongoing mystery of what had happened to Hamm Sparks, Jake Spurling had far from given up. He had worked long and hard for the past three years and in January 1970 there was finally a break in the case.

When Jake received the call about the abandoned hearse down in Louisiana he ordered it and the entire area cordoned off. Some kids who had been down at the river playing found it in the woods. It was rusty and the upholstery was ripped with age. He had his men go over it from top to bottom. The hearse, an older model, was traced back to the Cecil Figgs Mortuaries car lot in Kansas City, where all the older models were kept. A check on it revealed that a hearse had gone missing sometime after Hamm and the men had disappeared. The man in charge of the lot at the time was located and questioned about why he had not reported it. He said those old hearses were stolen all the time by kids wanting to joy-ride, so he’d figured that was what had happened. Jake flew in to Louisiana and walked around the area but there was nothing there except an old falling-down boat dock.

Jake was curious about who it belonged to and had it traced. His ears pricked up when the name was found. The registered owner of the land and the boat dock in 1967 was Mr. Buddy Leo, uncle of Mr. Anthony Leo of Kansas City, Missouri. A man with definite ties to organized crime. It might turn out to be nothing at all but it was too much of a coincidence, as far as Jake was concerned. The boat dock had not been too far from Hamm’s last known location in Jackson. Maybe he had come by boat. After a long search it was discovered that in May 1959, a brand-new thirty-five-foot Chris-Craft cabin cruiser had been purchased in Kansas City in the name of Mrs. Jeannie Micelli, sister of Mr. Anthony Leo. This might be the connection Jake was looking for. The abandoned hearse, the boat dock, and the missing men were all connected back to Kansas City.

Unfortunately, neither Mr. Leo was available for questioning. The uncle had died of old age and, as was often the case, Mr. Anthony Leo, although younger, was no longer alive and well. In 1968 he had accidentally stepped in front of five rapidly speeding bullets, which had proved to be fatal. When questioned, his sister, Mrs. Micelli, said she had never owned a boat. Which was probably true. These men were known to buy things they did not want traced by using other people’s names.

When Jake questioned Betty Raye, she told him she remembered that Hamm had mentioned a few times that Rodney had a friend with a boat that they sometimes borrowed.

“Is that so?” said Jake.

“Yes. I think he took the boys with him a few times.”

Hamm Jr. remembered it quite well.

Jake was pleased. Now we’re getting somewhere, he thought.

The next thing was to find out what had happened to the boat.

To
t
’s Vacation

 

O
N
A
PRIL
21 Aunt Elner started the phone conversation, as she often did, without even saying hello first.

“Did you hear what happened to Poor Tot?”

Norma knew that whatever it was, it was not going to be good. “Don’t even tell me.”

Aunt Elner ignored her.

“You know, she’s been miserable with that broken finger and so as long as she couldn’t fix hair she let Dwayne Junior talk her into going to Florida with him and then that fish almost bit her right leg off—she’s in the hospital right now, poor thing, and she was not even fishing at the time. Said she was downstairs in the galley of the boat minding her own business, not bothering a soul, just trying to fix herself a grilled-cheese sandwich, when the fish got her.”

Norma sat down. “What fish?”

“I don’t know but it was mad at having been jerked out of the water, I can tell you that.”

“Who told you this?”

“Verbena, she just got off the phone with Tot this very second.”

Norma said, “Aunt Elner, I’ll call you right back,” and dialed Verbena’s number down at the cleaners to get the story firsthand. Verbena picked up: “Blue Ribbon.”

“It’s Norma.”

“I was just calling you but your line was busy.”

“Did you tell Aunt Elner that Tot was bitten by a fish?”

“No, I said she was stuck by a fish while making a grilled-cheese sandwich. I never said she was bitten.”

“Why would she get stuck by a fish if she was downstairs cooking?”

“Because the fish just came down the stairs looking for her, I guess.”

“But why?”

“Because she has the worst luck of anybody I know, that’s why.”

“How did it happen?”

“She was down in Florida on this fishing boat that Dwayne Junior and a friend of his had rented to try and cheer her up. That’s what he said but he just wanted to go himself, if you ask me. Anyhow, after three hours of sitting upstairs in the hot sun, not catching a thing, she said, ‘I’m hungry, I’m going down and fix myself a grilled-cheese sandwich. Does anybody else want one?’ They said no and the next thing she knew, just as she was getting ready to flip her sandwich, this big fish came flying down the stairs. Dwayne had jerked it out of the water too hard and it flew right over his head and when it hit the deck it took a flying leap and came sailing down the stairs and stabbed Poor Tot in the thigh with its nose.”

“Oh my God, it must have scared her to death.”

“She said it was certainly a surprise to look down and see a strange fish sticking out of her leg. The captain packed her leg in ice and took her all the way to Pensacola to get the thing removed. She said she felt like a fool checking in with a fish sticking out of her leg but the captain said that they didn’t dare pull it out on their own. It could cause too much damage.”

“Damage to who?”

“The fish, I guess—Dwayne Junior is having it mounted as a souvenir of their trip.”

“What kind of fish was it?”

Norma could hear Verbena shuffling papers. “I wrote it down. Here it is. It was identified as a needle-nosed houndfish. They took her picture for the paper.”

“Is she all right?”

“Oh yes. Besides having six stitches and having to get shots.”

“Can’t she sue somebody?”

“Norma, who’s she going to sue? She said the fishing-boat people won’t cover it. They said it was an act of God. . . . So who can she sue, the Gulf of Mexico? Or the fish? No, she just got stuck in more ways than one, so she’s coming home tomorrow. She didn’t have but one day of vacation. If she was miserable when she left, you can imagine how she must feel now.”

“Poor Tot.”

The next day the citizens of Pensacola saw a picture of a Mrs. Whooten being wheeled into the emergency room under a caption that read
WOMAN SPEARED BY FLYING FISH.
People in Elmwood Springs tried not to bring it up but when they did, all Tot would say was “It’s put me off tuna fish, I can tell you that.”

To the Public at Large:

My recent experience has taught me an expensive lesson and I am passing it on as a warning. Do not ever call an ambulance if you can help it. Believe me, I could have gone to Europe twice for the money it cost me to ride no more than six blocks in one (it would have to be rush hour) but they did not take that fact into account. They were as nice as they could be and I was nice back, but at the time I didn’t know I was being charged a small fortune, which I am still paying on, and now my insurance has gone sky-high as well. I only had a leg injury but they made me wear a collar on my neck and on the way to the hospital they gave me oxygen in my nose (that I did not need) and kept taking my blood pressure and temperature every two minutes. Not only that, they were training the boy that was taking it how to do it and I did not even get a discount. But that was not the worst of it. Once they get you to the emergency room, look out. Those emergency room doctors are expensive and they charge you by the second. I was X-rayed and CAT-scanned from stem to stern, pulled from one place to another the whole time almost freezing to death. They keep it as cold as ice in there. In my case I was sent to surgery to have the fish removed (you don’t want to know what that set me back) and I was given a local anesthetic, so I was not able to walk out and they got to keep me overnight. If I were to tell you what they charged me for just the use of the bed, a couple of aspirins, and a tranquilizer, it would scare you to death. Don’t be lulled into thinking that your insurance covers everything. It doesn’t. My advice is this: if you can possibly walk, drive, call a cab, or take a bus to the emergency room, do it. Do not call 911 unless you are out cold.

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