Squirrel Cage (6 page)

“Yes, I did.
And at this most difficult time in my life, I think that I can honestly say that I’m glad that both attempts failed.
After all, I was able to meet you and share a few hours of joy last night with you.
I’m glad that I had those moments.”

Andrea burst into tears and immediately left the room.

The moderator looked to the ceiling as if she were saying “here we go again.”
Please hold on and I’ll be right back.
She was gone for a bit longer than in our earlier session.
She returned with Andrea hanging on her arm.
In her left hand, Andrea, held crumpled tissue.
With her swollen eyes she apologetically acknowledged me.

“Andrea, do you have something that you’d like to tell the group?” asked the moderator.

“Yes,” she said and then followed an uncomfortable pause as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
“I’m sorry for blowing up like that.
I will try to be nicer.
I don’t understand all of this but that is why I am here.
Please do not try to change my religious beliefs.”

“Thank you Andrea,” said the moderator.
Would anyone like to respond to Andrea?”

What followed was an outpouring of love and understanding for Andrea.
She was a thoughtful mother. She was a beautiful girl. She was understanding.
She was sensitive. She was smart. And most of all, through it all, between the lines, everything said conveyed the feeling that she was loved.

“Well this is a god damned love fest isn’t it?” Jim startled us.
“Hey it is cool.
I can go with the flow.
I have to admit that I want to just sit d
own here with you all and cry.”
And he did.

We all did.

“Cindi, I am very sorry.” Andrea managed to get the words out as she fought back the tears. “I know that you have gone through a lot.
Please forgive me. I still can’t accept this thing but I know that you are a caring and thoughtful person. And I am so sorry that I called you the devil.”
And then she broke into uncontrollable sobbing.

The moderator looked around the group and feeling strong emotions herself proclaimed. “Look, let’s convene this meeting early today. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
She stood up and as she turned
to
the door
,
I could see her wipe her left eye and then quickly her right e
ye as she quickly strode to
her office.

Nurse big brother approached me as I left group.
“Dr. Wynn would like to talk to you,” she said.
She showed me to his room where he sat seated behind his desk.

He offered me a seat and the nurse retreated, closing the door behind her.
Dr. Wynn stood up and walked around the front of his desk and sat down in a chair opposite.
He had a file in his hand which he opened up and then briefly scanned the contents.
“I’ve already read the reports and notes from the staff Cindi,” he started.
“It looks like you have my staff earning their salaries.
You’ve certainly sparked some change around here and I must say that it is refreshing,” he concluded.

“I know”, I responded “We’ve had drama, comedy, and all sorts of things. And there has been no shortage of interesting things to talk about.
I’ve noticed the nurse taking copious notes,”
I said.

“That is for sure,” he
grinned
.
“We had to get her a new pen!” he said with
an infectious smile
.

“I have a number of phone messages here. There must be ten or twelve.
Do you want to see them?” he asked.

“No thanks, I really can’t deal with them right now.” I responded.

“Your mother has called me personally and has demanded that she see you.
So has your ex-wife,” he said.

“Well, legally she is still my wife,” I responded.
“There is a waiting period before it is final,” I added.

“Okay, you just let us know when you want to have these,” he said.

“Alright,” I acknowledged.

“I have asked your parents to come in for a counseling session” Dr. Wynn advised. “I’ve told them that this is part of the process and that they must come.
Your mother is very upset.
I know that she thought that we were going to fix you up and send you home.
T
hat we will do.
But the results will not be what she expected.
F
or that, I feel obligated to help them understand.
They are suffering too Cindi.
They are essentially lamenting the loss or death of their son,” he said.

“I know,” I answered.
“This thing is crippling my family from every side and it is killing me,” I added.

“Look Cindi, this is a serious problem and you are doing everything you can to resolve it. You are following the standards of care the medical establishment has put forth.
You have tried to work with your family the best you can.
Y
ou have committed to support your children.
Cindi, is there anything more that you could possibly do to make this any better?”
He asked.

“I just don’t know doctor.
If there is, I’d like to know what it might be,” I answered.

“I
know it is difficult
,” he said. My job is to try
to
help them understand.
Your job is to stay here and be comfortable.
You continue to stir things up in there,” he said.

“I don’t know if I’ll be doing any more stirring.
I think that it’s time to start the healing in there,” I answered.

“If you didn’t have all of this external crap to deal with Cindi, I’d turn you out right now.
You really don’t need to be here.
But I think that the rest will do you good, your participation in the group will do us good, and I’ll get to work on your parents,” he informed me.

“I see that that you have had a real conflict in group with one of the other members,” Dr. Wynn stated.

I acknowledged the incident and explained it as best I could.
“I believe that we are making progress.
I could see some serious changes this afternoon,” I told him.

“That’s very good to hear.
I believe that you really need to shake things up every once in a while to get
the process of healing started.
And you have been a catalyst this week to that end, Cindi,” he said.
“Keep up the good work and I’ll see you in a couple of days,” he concluded.

I went back to the common area and saw that the whole group (minus Andrea) congregated in the dining area waiting for supper to come.

“We are here together Cindi,” Jane told me.

“Ya Cindi” acknowledged another.
The women all gave me a big hug and Jim slapped me on the back, nearly knocking me over.

“Jeeeezh Jim, be careful!” I squealed as I caught my balance.

“I can’t fucking believe this.
You girls are not afraid of me,”
Jim said.

“Now Jim, we can love you but not your anger or your cursing,” someone responded.

“Okay” started Jim, “I’m not going to start another touchy feely love fest!
We already had that in group this afternoon.
Hey.. its dinner!”
I
n came the rolling carts with our meals.
For hospital food, it was really pretty decent.

We broke up after dinner into smaller groups and we settled into private spaces to talk.
Every once in a while some of us would break out in laughter as someone told something funny.
And nurse
“Big Brother”
would write something down.
Andrea came out of her cave to fetch a drink from the fridge.
I made my way to her.

“Andrea, I want to make sure that you are okay,” I said.

“Oh I’m okay.
I’m still mad at you and at the same want to hug you.
I’m having such a hard time being here,” she answered.

“Can we talk Andrea?” I queried.

“Cindi, I’m really sorry but I don’t feel up to it tonight.
My mind is just so screwed up that’s all,” she responded.

“Maybe tomorrow then?” I queried.

“Perhaps,” she replied as she walked back to her room.
She stopped and paused, then turned around.
“Yes Cindi, you are right.
Let’s talk tomorrow.”

Only half the group got together for breakfast the next morning.
Jim seemed
very
grumpy
…
Andrea was there.
Our conversation was fairly tense.
But we were talking.
After breakfast,
Andrea and I
retreated to the common.
Andrea sat on the couch and I folded my legs up under myself as I sat in a chair next to her.

“Andrea, why did you try to kill yourself?” I asked.

“Wow, what a way to start a conversation,” she said.

“But I really want to know,” I responded.

“Cindi, I just don’t know where to begin.
Every day I wake up and know that I am a sinner.
I have sinful thoughts all day long.
I love my husband and my daughter but I am overwhelmed by this horrible feeling.
I pray and pray and I’m so unhappy.
I go to church and I can’t get better.
I’ve talked to my bishop and he has been very helpful.
He counseled me to pray and study the scriptures.
The more I study and pray, the more inadequate I feel.
And all the world feels like it is crashing down on top of me all the time,” she explained.

“What are your sinful thoughts Andrea?” I asked.
“Oh… I’m really ashame
d to admit this…
well one of them is that I detest attending testimony meetings at church,” she
said
.

“Andrea,” I responded, “if you asked, I’d bet that 75 percent of the members would agree with you!”
I grinned.

“Well I have others,” she said softly.

“Andrea, you and I have many things in common.
All my life, I’ve felt I was a horrible sinner for my feelings.
I went on a mission.
I’ve taught Sunday school for years. I’ve been the choir director and taught the boy scouts. I spent many nights after work at the church farm tending to the vineyards alone. I too have sought counsel from my church leaders.
Each time they tell me that what I need to do is to attend my meetings, go to the temple often, pray, and study the scriptures.
I continued to do these things.
I tried my very best but reached a point where I could continue no more.
That’s when my deep secret was discovered and that is when I attempted to end my life.
Does this all sound familiar?”
I asked.

Andrea st
ared at me and inhaled deeply.
“Yes,” she stated, clearly with he
r mind wandering in the ether.
Then she focused
her attention squarely at me.
“Oh my gosh, I’m just like you!”
she exclaimed in horror.

“No, you are not just like me Andrea,” I explained.

“But we do share
some common issues don’t we?”
I asked.
I could see the thoughts tur
ning
her
little
Squirrel
cage.

“I just don’t know Cindi, I just don’t know,” she sta
ted more calmly.

“Andrea, our church leaders are trying their best. But they are unprepared to handle difficult problems.
We really can’t expect them to be able to give us
everything we need to be happy.
They just don’t have all the answers.
I know that this is contrary to everything you h
ave ever been taught,” I said.

“I know.
I haven’t be
en able to admit it,” she said.
“My problems are so trivial to what you have but they are so hard to me that I just can’t face them,” she added.

“Cindi, I’m trying very hard but I just can’t accept your problem.
I’m very confused about it all because to me, you are Cindi but I can’t forget what you used to be
… I mean what you are
.
It all is so unnatural,”

“You know what Andrea?
It has taken my whole life to accept it myself
and I believe that finally I have fully accepted it.
Right here, this very week.
I know with a certainty that this is what I must do,” I explained.