Squirrel Cage (38 page)

I was naive about a lot of things, but I did know what a dildo was. I was not happy about buying one. Mr. Johnson had finally moved out.
I could hardly bear the thought of a piece of plastic molded in his image.

I was healing quickly. I was ready to go home.

That night, as Caitlyn visited me, I told her that I would be leaving the next day. It pained her to lose me, I could see in her face. “Can I drive you down to Pueblo?” she asked with some anxiousness. I did not have to think much about that one. The bus fare was 30 dollars or so. I accepted the offer humbly.

Dr. Biber had one last session before I left. He went over the importance of using the stent to stretch and maintain my new vagina. He told me that I could go back to work right away if I had to. He did recommend a few weeks off though, mostly resting, unwinding, and getting my thoughts in order. He cautioned me to not sit for extended periods of time.
“Get up and walk around if you need to. Lay down several times a day. And use the stent
four
or
five
times a day for the first several weeks. You can back off to once a day after
five
or
six
months.”

He discussed some other minor details and handed me a donut cushion. “You’ll need this for your trip back,” he noted. He wished me luck. I collected my things in my small bag and the nurse’s aid wheeled me to the front door where Caitlyn waited at the curb.

She helped me into her little pickup truck and drove me to Pueblo.
We had a nice conversation. A lot of what she talked about was her job. She enjoyed what she was doing and liked living in Trinidad.
The little town was known as the sex change capital of the world. No one dared create problems for the meager business that
the bender trade brought in. After our long conversation, I felt
sure that
Caitlyn
would find her way.

She dropped me off at a Motel 6. She stayed for a bit to help me get settled in my room. I was very tired and uncomfortable. It was no worse than any of the other surgeries that I had previously. This one was
much
easier to bear. I ordered a small pizza delivered to my room. I ate the whole thing. I was so hungry.

Trish greeted me at the airport. She took me back to my apartment.
She really wanted me to come down and stay at her place as I recovered. I knew that I’d be fine. I was feeling pretty well. She hung out a while and after seeing that I was very tired, she helped me get in bed and she left saying “You make sure and call me if you need anything.”

I fell fast asleep in my own little twin bed.

I felt refreshed.
I must have slept 15 hours. I felt new. I got up and put my standard clothes on. I loved to wear jeans and a tee shirt. I had some chords that fit me well and they looked good on me. I decided against a tee and pulled out one of my favorite tops. It was sleeveless and buttoned up the front.
It was also my favorite color at the time, peach. I put on my sports shoes and brushed out my hair.

I checked myself in the mirror on my bath door. I looked fabulous. I decided to celebrate. I wanted to go swimming.
I hadn’t been swimming for ages. I didn’t have a suit. That must be solved. So I grabbed my keys and my bag and head out.

I found that my body didn’t feel as good as I did.
As soon as I got into the mall, I had to rest on an uncomfortable bench for a while. I only went to one store and found something perfect for a reasonable price.
It was a two piece yellow suit.
It looked good on me as I checked in the dressing room mirror.
Yes, this would do just fine.

I sat down on the same hard bench before I walked out to the car. I realized that I wanted some Diet Coke, so I stopped at the local convenience store. I got out of my car carefully but surely and walked towards the door.
A fairly handsome young fello
w opened the door for me.

“Gaw
d, what I wouldn’t do to have you,” he said.

As I passed through the door I replied “I’m sorry but I’m not performing miracles today.”

We both chuckled. I made my purchase and I went home. I was too tired to go swimming. So I took a nap instead. Swimming could wait.

The phone rang and I struggled to my feet and get to the phone. “Hello Kid” said Dad.
“Whatchya doin?” he asked in his sing song way.

“Oh I was just taking a nap” I replied.

“I’m sorry,” he started “how would you like to come visit us next weekend? We are going to be in Zion’s National Park,” he said.

I really wanted to visit my parents. I yearned for their company. I really did want them to share in my happiness. But I didn’t know if I could physically make the trip.
My short excursion today had taken less than an hour.
And I was beat.

“Dad, I had my surgery last week. I’m not sure if I can make it. It is a very long drive,” I explained to him.

“You had your surgery?” Dad asked.

“Yes Dad, I did.
I would really like to visit you and Mom. I miss you both. Can you call me later in the week to check?”

“Of course. I’ll do that.”

We talked a bit and Dad being Dad, cut the call short. Dad never did like to talk on the phone much.
That would be a habit, I would help him learn to break in the coming years.

I went back to the couch for another nap.

I spent the next few days taking a morning swim and drying off in the sun next to the pool.
I had never had been a sun bunny. I never would spend the time in the sun to get a healthy tan.
So I went to the pool in the morning before it got hot.
I wouldn’t have to share the pool with everyone else
if I waited until
they returned home from work.

I couldn’t swim very well because of the pain so I just pulled myself along in the shallow end for a while. As I lay on one of the chase loungers drying off, I wondered why I had never wished to do this in my life journey. Squirrel had never wanted me to get a swim suit. I had never daydreamed about lying around by a pool.
It was a peaceful quiet moment. But I still did not enjoy being exposed in the sun. I have fair skin and although I can get a reasonable tan, I had been told that I was susceptible to skin cancer. So I had always made it a
point to stay out of the sun.

By the time Thursday came around I felt that I could make the drive out to Zion’s park. I would need to stop the car often and get out to walk around. I thought that if I had to, I could lay down in the back of my little hatchback car.

Dad called and I confirmed that I would meet them there. He asked me not to tell Mom about my surgery.

“I’d like her to enjoy the weekend. I’ll tell her after we get home,” he said. I knew his wisdom. I knew that it would hurt her and this weekend should be fun.

I prepared for a weekend away from home. I didn’t need the donut pillow. Pain from sitting now was not significant. I would tire easily and that was it. Other than some mild pain in walking, and the nasty pain I had when I used the stent, I actually felt pretty good.

I filled a small bag with some clothes and my personal articles and I left. The drive wasn’t too bad.
I did stop ten or twelve times along the way.
I visited every rest stop. It felt good to slowly walk around a bit in the hot sun. Within a few hours I met up with Mom and Dad at the campground where they were staying.
This was only the second time I had seen them since moving to southern California.

I gave Mom a huge hug. She was so happy to see me and I felt the same.
We didn’t do a whole lot that weekend.
We went around to some of the sites. Mom and Dad were in a camera club and were looking for potential subjects for contest pictures.
The weather was cool by desert standards.

After all these years, Mom could not convince me to stay in the trailer.
I preferred to sleep in the back of the Suburban.
Ever since I was little, I would not sleep in the trailer when we went out.
It had started because I didn’t ever want to help drain the holding tank.
I knew that if I never stayed inside, I’d never have to help. That was the way I thought through things.
Squirrel always took every stupid little thing and thought it through to every practical conclusion.
But looking beyond the holding tank, I really preferred to be out alone. I liked sleeping in the back of the ‘burb’.

On this trip, I really needed the privacy to do the stent thing.
Dad was very understanding as I explained it to him. He did ask something of the results and I was fairly vague.
I was not terribly anxious to talk so frankly about it all.

I don’t know if Dad told my mother or not during that weekend. I just remember it as a very precious time.
It was a time when I was finally Cindi with my family.
There wasn’t anything of any real interest that happened.
The normalcy of the weekend made it so special to me.
I was very happy that I had driven out to spend the time with them.

I returned home and rested significantly during the next few days. I had decided to return to work a week earlier than planned.
I would have loved to stay out a while. I still didn’t feel all that well. But I figured that if I could drive out to see my parents, I should be able to return to work.

It
was a
big mistake.
During t
he trip with my parents
I
rest
ed
anytime I wanted. The requirements of my job would not permit it.
Additionally, I had to do the stent at least once a day while at work. It was uncomfortable and extremely inconvenient. I survived it though.
I
needed the money
.
I had gone into debt for the surgery and the bills were piling up.

My VP of marketing was resigning.
I had enjoyed working for him. He was a likable sort.
I knew that with him gone, I would have no one sticking up for me.
I couldn’t help wondering why he would be leaving.
I supposed it
was
because he had a disagreement with the president and had resigned on principal.
I learned later that the president had someone else to fill his slot and had asked him to move on.
That sort of thing happens in business.
You go in and do a good job.
They find a guy on the golf course they like better and you are out the next day.

“Can I ask you a question Al?”
I asked him.

“Sure Cindi, fire away,” he said.

“
Did you really subtract the cost of the personal computer I demanded from my employment offer?” I asked.

He smiled wryly “So you heard about that did you?”

“Al, you could at least have given it back to me with my yearly review!” I whined.

He smiled apologetically in return and said nothing.

“Al, what has the president got on me?” I asked him.

“Cindi, I really don’t want to get into that,” he replied. I knew that I could press no further.
I was not paranoid.

“Al, I’ve enjoyed working for you. I wish you the best of
luck” I told him.

“Cindi, I don’t need luck.
I’m smart,” he said as he left my office.
And at this moment, he was right.
Getting out of this job would be my number one priority.
But I would only work at it from home. I would give this company my best effort even if they didn’t want me.

Oddly enough, the next VP of marketing was also named Al. He had been in his office for one day when he called me in for a chit chat.
We talked a little about ourselves to get to know each other. He was floating balloons to see how I would take what he had to say.
I’d seen it before.

“Here it comes” I said to myself. I was prepared to hear the news that I would be looking for a job full time.
I really wanted the chance to get some resumes out in the bay area.
The bay area was the place to be in hi tech. It was also much more liberal in terms of problems that I had faced.

“Cindi” Al started, “I’ve just been privy to some very interesting information.
I understand that you have been a victim of serious discrimination,” he said.

“It is true that I have asked for management intervention
,
” I told him as I explained the
behavior
of our Jersey sales guy. “I’ve always maintained that I do not wish anyone to get in trouble over it, I just want it to stop so that I may peacefully do my job,” I said.

“Cindi, I am indeed saddened because it has been worse than that. I have talked to the responsible parties and this activity will cease here and now.”