Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers (6 page)

As she transferred Jerry to the operating-room stretcher,
Diane, his nurse, commented on how nice it was for the pastor to
visit. Jerry's eyes misted slightly, and his voice choked as he
replied, "Yes, but I wish he could be a real pastor instead of just a
pal."

As she wheeled him toward the OR, Diane asked what real
pastors do. Jerry hesitated, then said, "Well, I suppose they pray,
but it means more when you can hear them do it." Diane offered
to pray with Jerry after moving him into the pre-op area. He
grasped her hand and sobbed as she asked God to guide the surgeon and help Jerry heal rapidly. "Thank you so much," he
responded. "I have been so scared. It really helps to know that
people are praying for me!"

Most of us have been socialized into appearing self-sufficient and
emotionally controlled. Illness or other crises may quickly strip away our defenses, as we suddenly realize that we are not in control of our lives after all. Questions begin to nag at us, for if we
are not in control, then who is? Spiritual questions often draw
people to God, or even strike fear in their hearts. For instance,
Rose began attending church when she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. When she stopped in to talk with the parish
nurse about her condition, she explained, "I'm really afraid that
I'm going to die, and if I do, I'll go to hell. How can I get right
with God?"

However, most people are not as transparent as Rose. They
may appear composed and in control on the surface, but may be
falling apart inside. For instance, Jane was a third-grade teacher
with metastatic breast cancer. She continued to teach throughout
her chemotherapy, as well as to care for her husband and three
young children. She never discussed her fears, or even the pain
and nausea she experienced, not wanting others to pity her. When
Rachel, a friend from church, asked Jane if she could pray with
her, Jane sank into the nearest chair, saying, "I thought you'd
never ask I"

Remember, we are all spiritual beings. We can bury our spiritual needs beneath a veneer of composure, but the needs remain.
Deep down inside, most people yearn for spiritual care and support from others. Don't hesitate to offer spiritual care to others
when their spiritual needs do not appear obvious. Assess carefully.
Keep your eyes and ears open for cues. Avoid pressuring others,
but remain available, even when your offers for help are rejected.
We are much more likely to err on the side of caution than to be
offensive in our expressions of caring.

Even Angela, my angry, cynical friend, eventually came to me
after being diagnosed with bladder cancer, saying, "Okay, I'm
ready for that spiritual care you're always talking about. I need it now." In the last years of her life she returned to church, joined a
small group Bible study and met regularly with a group of friends
to pray. She even began to teach others how to give spiritual care.

Providing spiritual care does not come naturally to most Christians. Our fast-paced, task-oriented culture diverts our attention
and sways our priorities. The primary barriers to spiritual care
include:

❑ Hidden needs. Needs may not appear obvious -either because
people hesitate to express them or because we fail to hear them
when they do.

❑ Fear of treading on private territory, thereby offending the
other person.

❑ Lack of time.

❑ Feeling unprepared or ill-equipped.

We have already looked at several examples of needs not
appearing obvious. Now let's look at the other barriers and consider some ways to overcome them.

Part of the legacy we have inherited from modernism is the idea
that religion is a private matter. When I first began my clinical
experience as a nursing student, I carried a three-by-five card in
my uniform pocket listing the topics I had been taught were
appropriate for conversation with patients. On the flip side of the
card, I had written: "Inappropriate topics-sex, politics and religion." My instructors feared that such inflammatory subjects might
cause our patients undue stress.

Times have changed. We are much more open now about controversial topics. Nurses are sometimes even required to consider
the spiritual as part of their needs assessment. Postmodernism
tells us that spirituality is important but religion is rigid and divi sive. However, beyond asking a person's church affiliation, most
caregivers hesitate to discuss a person's spiritual beliefs and concerns. We attempt to separate our Christian beliefs from our public lives, hoping our faith will be revealed through our actions
alone.

Jesus didn't give us that option. He tells us pointedly, "Those
who are ashamed of me and of my words, of them the Son of Man
will be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the
Father and of the holy angels" (Lk 9:26). We see the apostles
Peter and John taking Jesus seriously as they confess before their
accusers, "Whether it is right in God's sight to listen to you rather
than to God, you must judge; for we cannot keep from speaking
about what we have seen and heard" (Acts 4:19-20). Later in his
life Peter instructed the church, "Always be ready to make your
defense to anyone who demands from you an accounting for the
hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and reverence" (1 Pet
3:15-16).

The keys to spiritual care are gentleness and respect. Perhaps
one good reason people object to overtly expressing hope in
Christ is that too many Christians have blundered into evangelism
like children caring for an injured animal. They intend to do good,
but they end up harming the creature further. Few people have
been argued, shamed or bludgeoned into the kingdom. Paul
assures us, "I am not ashamed of the gospel; it is the power of God
for salvation to everyone who has faith" (Rom 1:16). That is good
news -news that we dare not keep to ourselves. Even good news,
though, needs to be delivered tactfully.

Jesus gave people the option of saying no to him. We should
offer the same courtesy to people from other religions or those
with no interest in spiritual things. While we can share our faith
openly with a Sikh or a Muslim, we should not manipulate or coerce. That is prveelyt&ing, not evangelism. While many people
may seek God openly when they face a crisis, others will turn
firmly to the religion they have grown up with. In such cases, we
can assist them in finding someone from their faith tradition to
support them. However, we can continue our friendship and listen
carefully to their faith stories. We can offer to pray for them.
Sometimes we can invite them to Christian events and programs
where they will learn about Christ. In the process, we enter into
dialogue and look for opportunities to gently share our own story

For example, I met Satomi, a Japanese exchange student, on
an airplane. We talked off and on during the fifteen-hour flight
from Korea. She had left a sick mother in Japan and felt terribly
guilty because they had not parted on good terms. She attended a
college near my home, so I invited her to come for weekends.
Although she never became a Christian, we talked openly about
Christianity and her own experience as an agnostic in a Shinto
and Buddhist culture. We discussed her family problems and her
difficulties with schoolwork. She attended church with us and frequently asked me to pray for her, which-I did. She observed that
Christians were "good people," so she wanted to be around them,
but she could not take that step of faith.

Sometimes we are not really ashamed of the gospel or afraid of
reprisal should we discuss it openly-we are simply uncomfortable discussing spiritual concerns. It feels too personal and may
reveal our frailty. For example, when Henry suffered a serious
myocardial infarction, his daughter called his pastor, frantically
pleading, "My brothers and I don't know if my father knows the
Lord, and we don't know how to ask him!" Her concern took the
pastor by surprise. Henry had always been active in the church, faithfully attending worship and a midweek Bible study. He spoke
openly about his love for the Lord, but he had never been able to
talk with his children about his faith.

Later in the week, the pastor gathered Henry's family together
at his bedside. "Henry," the pastor began, "your kids want to
know if you know the Lord."

Henry's eyes misted as he reached out to the two standing closest to him. "Yes, I do. I have prayed for you every day of your
lives, and deep in my heart I've wanted nothing more than to be
able to talk to you about him, but I'm just an old farmer, and I
never had the right words. I just figured your mother would do a
good job, so I left it up to her." Hugs and tears followed as the
emotional barrier came down. Henry experienced healing not
only physically but spiritually as well.

The letter to the Hebrews tells us, "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is
faithful. And let us consider how to provoke one another to love
and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of
some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see
the Day approaching" (Heb 10:23-25). Henry's children saw the
day of his death approaching and feared it would be an eternal
death. How sad it would have been if they did not have the assurance that they would meet again in heaven.

People long to know and be known in the depths of their spiritual being, but many fear rejection if the truth were known. Consider Fran, a former missionary who taught Christian education in
a seminary. Strong, capable and opinionated, Fran seemed to measure her worth by how much she could accomplish for God. After
returning from a summer mission trip, Fran came down with a
mysterious illness that sapped her energy and finally forced her to
take a leave of absence. When Ginny, one of Fran's students, came to visit, Fran tried to maintain her professional composure, but
Ginny's intuition prompted her to explore Fran's spiritual needs.

"I think I'd be mad at God if I were you!" Ginny suggested.
"Here you invest your whole life serving him, and look where it
gets you."

Fran paused, then began to sob. "I feel so useless! I'm beginning to think my whole relationship with God was based on what
I could do for him. I was afraid to let him do anything for me. I
know we can't earn our salvation, but I sure was trying hard to do
it. It's so hard to just sit here and trust God to work, but that's all I
can do."

Although Fran's admission was painful for both Fran and
Ginny, it was the turning point in her healing. Fran began to realize that she needed counseling to deal with long-covered wounds
from her childhood and her missionary experience. She began to
learn how to receive from others, and she learned new ways of
caring. When she finally returned to the classroom, her teaching
was enhanced by her experience with weakness.

How can you get beyond the fear factor in meeting spiritual
needs? Get started! Once you take the plunge, each step gets easier.

❑ Find a prayer partner. Pray together regularly. Share what you
are learning from Scripture and how it applies to your daily life.

❑ Join a small Bible study or prayer group. Learn to share your
own spiritual struggles, as well as listening to others.

❑ The next time someone asks you to pray about a concern, ask,
"May I pray for you right now?" You can even do that over the
phone.

❑ When someone asks, "Why did God allow this to happen?" follow up on the question. You don't have to provide the correct
answer-only God knows that. Ask more about what your friend is feeling and how that affects her relationship with God.

Jon looked at his assignment for the day and knew it was impossible. Downsizing had reduced the nursing staff to dangerous levels. During morning rounds, Elsie Morris caught Jon by the
hand, moaning, "I didn't sleep a wink last night. The pain was
awful! Why does God allow me to suffer so?" Jon groaned internally, trying to move on. He assured Elsie that he would bring her
an injection for pain as soon as possible and would check with her
doctor about increasing the dosage.

Jon had no sooner started up the hall than Elsie's call light
beckoned. He ducked back into the room to check on her.
"Where's my shot?" Elsie demanded, then continued, "Don't
nurses give bed baths anymore? At least you could bring me a
basin and towel!" Jon knew that the IV in room 325 was running
low, and three other call lights beckoned. Jon assured Elsie that
he had not forgotten her and he'd be back as soon as he could.

As he turned to leave, Jon noticed Elsie's open Bible on her
bed. He stopped, sat down in the bedside chair and gently
remarked, "I notice that you've got your Bible open. Has a particular passage been especially meaningful to you?"

Elsie looked down at her Bible, shook her head slowly and
replied, "Reading the Bible has always been important to me, but
I just can't seem to concentrate now."

Recalling a passage that had spoken to him during a time of
personal illness, Jon reached for Elsie's Bible and offered to read
it aloud:

Surely he has borne our infirmities and carried our diseases; yet we
accounted him stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted. But he
was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the punishment that made us whole, and by his
bruises we are healed. (Is 53:4-5)

"You know, God understands how you're feeling. He's been
through it himself," Jon commented.

Elsie pondered for a while, "I'd never thought of it that way. I
guess he does understand, but I've been too busy being mad at
him to realize it." Jon asked Elsie if he could pray for her. Elsie's
face brightened as she replied, "Oh, yes!" Asked if she had any
special requests, Elsie replied thoughtfully, "Well, pray that I can
live to get through my daughter's wedding next month."