Spirit Journey: Historical Western Cowboy Romance Novel (Dawson Chronicles Book 3) (18 page)

              Some people might have been afraid to walk the trail in the growing darkness, but not Black Fox.  As he neared the tiny, deserted hunting cabin, Black Fox smelled smoke and smiled.  He’d found his grandson exactly where he’d expected to.  Skip often came up to the cabin when he was upset, but he’d never stayed away for three days before.  Black Fox was the only other person who knew the cabin’s location.

              Reaching his destination, he saw Skip sitting by a fire, roasting a rabbit on a spit.  Skip looked up when he saw Black Fox out of the corner of his eye and pursed his lips in annoyance.  Black Fox smiled to himself, but didn’t say anything as he sat down by Skip.  They watched the fire for a little while as it sputtered and rose higher when fat from the rabbit meat dripped onto it.

              “So they sent you for me, huh?” Skip finally asked.

              Black Fox grunted in assent.  “You have worried a lot of people.”

              Skip frowned at the censure in Black Fox’s voice, but didn’t respond.

              “You must learn to control this anger of yours, Justin.  You must listen to people before acting,” Black Fox said.

              Skip took the rabbit off the spit, laying it on a tin plate to cool.  “I don’t expect you to understand.  You’ve never had another man try to move in on your woman.  Runner did it to me once before and I wasn’t giving him the chance to do it again.  I know he’s your real grandson, but I don’t trust him.  Not now.  He was hugging her and kissing her, Grandfather.”

              “I know that you and Runner had a quarrel over a girl in the past, but it is just that: the past,” Black Fox replied.  “Runner has grown up, matured.  He meant no harm.”

              Skip let out an angry snort.  “Of course you’d defend him.  He got what he wanted.  Peanut doesn’t want me now.  He can just move right on in.”

              Black Fox’s jaw clenched in annoyance, but he held it in check.  “Justin, Runner does not want Peanut.  He does not want
any
woman.  He is
wíŋkte
.”

              Skip’s eyes rounded.  “He is?  I don’t understand.  Why did he sleep with all those girls then if he likes men?”

              Black Fox sighed.  “He slept with a couple, but only because he was ashamed and tried to prove that he wasn’t
wíŋkte
.  He made up a lot of the stories of his conquests because he was afraid of being ostracized.  We suspected when he was younger, but we did not know for sure.  Yes, Brown Stag called him, but Runner was glad to go so that he could take the time he needed to come to terms with it.”

              Skip knew that in white society a man or woman who possessed homosexual tendencies was rarely accepted.  However, in Lakota culture, those people were held in high regard, often becoming a medicine man or woman and thought to possess great power.  Since he’d been raised with the tribe, Skip wasn’t repulsed by the idea.  He’d just never come into contact with such a person before, and he’d never suspected that Runner was
wíŋkte
. 

              “I guess it makes sense to me that he is,” Skip said.  “Look at all the power he has now.”

              Black Fox nodded.  “Yes.  Raven and Zoe have been talking to him about it since he came home.  He has worked hard to accept himself and to have the courage to face those who will discriminate against him.  White society teaches that it is shameful, but it is not.  Wakan Tanka made him who he is and has given him much power, which will only become stronger as he gets older and gains more knowledge.  Which is why Mike has begun training him as a medicine man.”

              Skip put his head in his hands.  “I don’t know what to do.  I’ve lost control before, but not in front of so many people.  The person I’m most worried about is Peanut, though.  I’m sure she doesn’t want to marry me now.  Why would she want to marry someone who can get so angry?  She was scared of me after that happened.  I would never hurt her or Annie, no matter how angry I got.”

              Black Fox said, “You are not the first man to fight another over a woman and you will not be the last.  I do agree that your temper is dangerous, but there are things you can do to control it.”

              “I normally just walk away, but I couldn’t that night.  I’ve never been that mad before,” Skip said.  “Is Runner ok?”  Intense shame for hitting Runner burned in his chest.

              Black Fox chuckled.  “His jaw was sore the next day and he had a headache, but he is fine now.”

              “That’s good.”  Skip took the rabbit off the spit.  “How do you feel about Runner being
winkte
?”

              The chief shrugged.  “He is simply my grandson and I love him no matter if he is or not.  It does not change the person he is.  It is good that he can be himself now.”  He sighed.  “It will not be easy for him, but he is determined to live his life and not hide any longer.”

              “What do you think other people are gonna say?”

              “I do not know, but if anyone harms or harasses him, I will act,” Black Fox said, his expression fierce.  “I will make them very sorry and so will many of us.  How do
you
feel about him now?”

              Skip replied, “It doesn’t bother me a bit.  I know that he’s accepted in your culture and since I’m a part of that, how can I object to him?”

              “I am glad to hear that,” Black Fox said.  “Now, what are you going to do?  You cannot hide up here forever.”

              “I know,” Skip said.  “I was actually gonna go home tomorrow and face the music.  I’m just mustering my courage.  I need to make restitution to Runner and find out if I still have a fiancée or if it’s over between us.  I’ll get down on my knees and beg if I have to.  I love her and Annie and the baby so much, Grandfather, and I don’t want to live without them.”

              Black Fox put a comforting hand on Skip’s back as he cried.  “Justin, if you are sincere in your apology, I think Peanut will forgive you.  Keep trying.  If you really love her, do not give up until she sees that you mean it.”

              Skip dried his eyes.  “You’re right.  I’m a man and a real man accepts responsibility for his actions.  He has to admit when he’s wrong and make things right.”

              Black Fox agreed.  “I will tell your family that you will be home in the morning.  Peanut has been staying at camp.”

              Skip’s shoulders sagged.  “She moved out?  Damn it!  I’m such an idiot!”

              “Justin, do not speak negatively about yourself.  It will do no good.  You are not an idiot,” Black Fox said.  “You acted rashly, but you are not stupid.  You would be stupid if you do not do the right thing, but I have faith in you.”

              Skip hugged him.  “Thanks.  That means a lot to me.”

              “So I will see you tomorrow?”

              “Yeah.  I’ll stop by to let you know how things go,” Skip said.

              Black Fox grunted.  “I will hold you to that.  Do not make me come looking for you again.”

              “Yes, Grandfather,” Skip said.

              Black Fox rose and stretched.  “Goodnight.”

              “Goodnight.” 

Skip watched Black Fox disappear down the trail, then turned back to his meal.  He had no appetite as dread over the coming morning pressed down on him.  Forcing himself to eat the rabbit so as not to waste it, Skip went over exactly what he was going to do about the whole situation. 

He was going crazy without Peanut and Annie, not to mention his family and friends.  It was time to stop hiding and deal with the situation.  Skip lay down that night, but there was no sleep for him.

*****

              Skip left his hideout very early the next morning so that he could talk to his parents before they went to work.  He skirted around the camp, planning on coming back once he’d cleaned up.  There was a vast array of thoughts running around in his mind as he jogged along, going the back way to avoid town. 

              Arriving at his house, he saw lamp light in the kitchen window.  Going in the kitchen door, he encountered Hope, who stood at the sink, putting water in a pot.  Upon seeing him, she dropped the pot in the sink and hugged him hard.

              “Are you all right?”

              “I’m fine, Ma.  I stink, but I’m fine,” Skip said.

              “Thank God,” Hope said.  Pulling away, she shook him hard.  “What’s the matter with you?  Shame on you for hitting Runner and scaring poor Peanut!  And shame on you for staying away so long!  Sit down!”

              Skip immediately complied.  “I’m sorry, Ma.”

              Switch came running down the stairs and into the kitchen.  “There you are!  We’ve been going crazy with worry!  You should be ashamed of yourself!  You should have walked away, Justin.  Isn’t that what we agreed you’d do?  Isn’t it?”

              Skip couldn’t remember the last time Switch had actually yelled at him.  He nodded.  “I’m sorry.”

              Hope said, “You should be.  Now, what are you going to do to fix this?”

              “I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do!  You’re gonna march your ass down to that camp and apologize to everyone!” Switch said.  “Every single person.  Well, not
everyone
, just the people you upset.  Because not everyone was there, of course.  But enough people.  You’ll apologize to Runner and Raven and Zoe and—” He broke off when he saw Skip struggling not to smile.  “I may be rambling, but I’m completely serious, Justin.  Dead serious.  If you don’t make this right, you can find somewhere else to live.”

              Skip said, “Pa, I was smiling because you were saying exactly what I already decided to do, not because you were rambling.  I wasn’t making fun of you, I swear.”

              “Oh.  Ok,” Switch said, slightly mollified.

              “I’m also going to make an appointment with Mike to see if he can help me with my anger issues the way he does with your anxiety and depression,” Skip said.

              “Hallelujah!” Switch shouted.  “I’ve been trying to get you to go for years.”

              “I know,” Skip said.  “This made me realize that I need to do something about it—I can’t do it on my own.”

              Switch sat down.  “I know how hard that is, Justin.  Meeting your mother and having Jethro was what made me realize that I couldn’t do it on my own, either.  I had a family to love and support and it was my responsibility to do my best at doing that.  That included going to therapy with Mike and taking my medication.  Outside of getting married and having kids, it was the best thing I ever did.  You won’t be sorry.”

              Skip nodded.  “Again, I’m sorry for worrying you and causing this whole mess.  I’m gonna go clean up and change before I go make amends—or try to.”

              Hope said, “Just be sincere, Justin.  And don’t start another fight with Runner.”

              “I won’t.  I know that he’s innocent and that I acted like a complete jackass,” Skip said.  “I’ll see you tonight.”

              Switch and Hope listened to him run up the stairs, breathing a sigh of relief that he was safe and sound.

              Runner opened the door when someone knocked.  When he saw Skip, he came outside and shut the door behind him.

              “What do you want?” he asked, anger sparking in his midnight eyes.

              Skip forced himself to meet Runner’s gaze.  “I came to apologize for attacking you that way.  I had no right to.  I should have just walked away.  I’m sorry.”

              Runner crossed his arms over his broad chest.  “You’re right.  I didn’t deserve the way you treated me.”

              “I know, and I’m ashamed of myself.  And I’m going to make restitution to you.  Whatever you want.  I just want to make it up to you.”

              Runner’s fist shot out, catching Skip square on the jaw.  Skip spun around and fell face first into the dirt.  Dazed, he rose up on his knees and shook his head.  He got unsteadily to his feet, rubbing his aching jaw.  Then he felt around in his mouth with his tongue.  Runner’s eyes went wide when Skip spat a bloody molar into his palm.

              Skip looked at it and then at Runner.  As blood dripped from the corner of his mouth, Skip started laughing and couldn’t stop.  He went down on his knees, laughing his head off despite the pain.  Runner smiled and then laughed with him.  Sitting down by Skip, he gave into his own mirth and they sat laughing together for a long time while others looked on with concerned expressions.

              Both men waved them away as they regained control.

              “Here,” Skip said, handing Runner his tooth.  “There’s your restitution.”  He took off his shirt, ripped off a small piece of it, and stuffed it into the back of his mouth to stop the flow of blood from the empty tooth socket.

              Runner took the tooth and laughed a little again.  “I didn’t mean to knock out your tooth.  I just wanted to hit you.”

              “It’s ok.  I have enough other teeth to chew with,” Skip said around the material.  “I really am sorry, Runner.  I know that you were only being nice to Peanut.  Um, Grandfather explained to me.”

              Runner’s expression turned guarded.  “I see.”

              “Runner, we’re practically family.  Other than you double-crossing me all those years ago, I like you.  Which I forgave you for, by the way.  You were right.  That’s over and done.  I just lost my head.  I don’t care that you’re
winkte
.  It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  You’re just Runner.”

              Runner said, “Thanks, Skip.  It’s been hard.  I only did that back then because I was scared that people would find out that I’m different.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  I guess I was just trying to be one of the guys.”

              Skip winced a little when he smiled.  “I know all about being different and what it’s like to be bullied.  You could’ve talked to me about it back then.  I’d have stood by you.  But I know how fear can hold you back from reaching out to people.”

              Runner said, “Brown Stag called me away because he wanted you all to come to
Paha Sapa
, but also because he knew that I needed time away to come to terms with what I am.  There hasn’t been any
winkte
in our tribe in a long time.  I kept wondering, why me?  I was so angry and I kept trying to deny it. 

“Brown Stag said that Wakan Tanka decided to use me to help the tribe.  Who am I to argue with Wakan Tanka?  It’s going to be hard and I know that some people won’t want to be my friends anymore.  Some of our white family might disown me, too.  It’s hard to be yourself when you know that people are going to judge you for something that isn’t your doing.  They won’t understand, Skip.”

Skip knew that Runner was probably right.  He also knew what it was like to be made fun of, beat up, and ostracized for not fitting into societal norms.  “Well, I’m not gonna turn away from you.  You can count on me, and anyone who bothers you or says anything bad about you will have to deal with me and a lot of other people, Runner.  You’re not alone.

“I’m glad you accept yourself now.  I accept myself now, too.  I can’t keep running from what I am.  Striking Snake once told me that going against your true nature hurts a person’s spirit and keeps them from being what Wakan Tanka intended for them to be.  I guess you and I learned that lesson, huh?”

Runner nodded.  “Yeah.  I was so miserable and I hated myself.  Now I’m … at peace with it all.  I guess we both had to go on a spirit journey to figure some things out.”

“Yeah,” Skip said.  “I’m at peace now, too.  Sort of.  I’ll be at peace if I can get my fiancée back.  I really messed up.”

“Yeah, but at least you can admit it.  Not everyone can or will,” Runner said.

“Well, if I want happiness, I have to admit it, make amends, and not repeat my mistakes,” Skip said.  Rising from the ground he said, “I’m off to see my woman.  Wish me luck.”

Runner stood.  “Not like that you’re not.  Come to the medical tipi so I can practice my dental skills on you.  We have gauze to put in your mouth and you can clean up.  I’ll give you one of my T-shirts.”

“It’ll be a little big on me, but then again, it would be big on most people.  I can’t believe how big you got,” Skip said.

The two of them teased each other as they walked towards the medical tipi, a fast friendship forming between them.

*****

              Peanut had just put Annie down on a blanket on the parlor floor when she saw someone walk past the window.  She didn’t make much of it until she saw them again.  Going to the window, she saw Skip pacing back and forth in front of the orphanage.  It looked like he was talking to himself.  Her heart twisted with pain at the sight of him.

              Misery had been her constant companion since the night Skip had gone berserk.  She’d been scared and angry that night, but she’d also been worried about him.  When he’d told her about his temper, she hadn’t fully understood the extent of it, but now she knew how hot it could burn.  What happened if she and Skip argued?  Would he hit her?  What about Annie or the new baby?  She didn’t think so, but what if he couldn’t control himself?

              Skip put his hands on his head in a nervous gesture and Peanut couldn’t fight the smile that tugged on the corners of her mouth.  He was so cute with his curly, messy hair and wearing an oversized T-shirt.  He’d obviously come to see her and was scared to knock on the door.  She shouldn’t go outside, but she needed to at least make sure he was all right after being away for three days.

              Scooping up Annie, she took her back to Beth’s office.  Beth looked up from her paperwork as Peanut came in.

              “Hi,” Peanut said.  “I hate to ask, but can you watch Annie for just a little bit?  Skip is here and I need to talk to him.”

              Beth said, “Sure.  I don’t mind a bit.”  She took Annie.  “Take your time.  We’ll be just fine.”

              “Thanks,” Peanut said, leaving Beth’s office.

*****

              Skip jumped a little when Peanut opened the orphanage door.  He smiled at her, but couldn’t speak. 
Not again
, he thought.

              Peanut stood on the porch with her arms crossed over her chest.  “Well?”

              Skip stopped near her and looked at her for several moments before finding his voice.  “I’m so sorry for what I did.  I wasn’t accusing you of anything—it was Runner, but that was all in the past and I should have left it there.  But I lost my temper, went out of my mind really, and I’m so sorry.  I know how wrong I was and I made amends to Runner for it.  I need to make amends to you, too. 

              “I scared you and I’m sorry about that.  I would never hurt you or Annie or almost anyone.  I’m gonna start going to therapy like Pa does.  Mike can help me with my anger issues.  I never wanted to go because it would mean that I’m different, and I am, but I accept that now.  Different doesn’t always mean bad.  I’m not bad.  Just different.  Oh, God.  I’m not making sense.”

              Peanut hardened herself against how adorable he was.  “No, you’re not.”

              Skip fought for control over his emotions.  “What I’m saying is that I was wrong for assuming something that wasn’t true.  I know now that Runner wasn’t trying anything with you.  I should have listened to what you were both telling me.  I let my anger get out of control instead of walking away.  I hurt Runner and scared you and I’m so sorry.  I’d never hurt you or Annie.  I’m not like that, Peanut.

              “Runner and I talked and we squared things away.  I paid restitution to him.  He knocked out my tooth,” Skip said, rubbing his jaw.

              Peanut saw the bruise on it.  “Runner hit you?”

              “Yeah.  I had it coming, though.  He didn’t mean to knock out my tooth.  That part was an accident, but I’m not mad at him,” Skip said.  “I’m going to start seeing Mike so he can help me deal with my anger.  I’m doing it for myself, too, but mainly because it’s the right thing to do for you and Annie and the baby.  I know how bad I messed up, but if you can forgive me and trust me again, I’ll never make you regret it. 

“I miss you all and I need you.  Before you came along, I didn’t know that I wasn’t just a weird, funny guy.  I didn’t know that I could be strong or that I was handsome.  I didn’t know what it was like to have a woman look at me like a man and not someone to be laughed at or made fun of.  But you made me see that I’m worthy of being loved like that.  I want to be worthy of you all.  Please give me another chance to prove to you that I am.”

              His contrite attitude and pleading expression melted away Peanut’s anger, but she wasn’t quite ready to give in.  “Skip, you really did scare me.  You were so different—nothing like the man I fell in love with.  I’m glad you’re going to go to therapy.  Can you promise me that you’ll never hurt me or Annie?  I won’t put her in danger, Skip.  Can you say without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll never get angry at us like that?”

              “Yes,” Skip said immediately.  “I’ve never hurt you, have I?”

              “No, Skip.  You’ve always been gentle and loving.  That’s why you scared me so much.”

              Skip said, “I know, but I’m not normally that guy.  Anyone will tell you that.  I let my temper get out of control, but I will never, ever, ever hurt you or Annie or any woman or child.  I’m going to work hard on my issues and I promise not to hurt anyone else unless it’s to protect someone I love or myself.  I promise you that right here and now.”

              Sincerity rang in his voice and shone in his eyes and the last of Peanut’s resistance faded.  “Ok.  I forgive you then.  And I do love you, Skip.”

              “I love you, too,” he said, hesitantly touching her arm.  “I’ll show you every day; I swear.”

              Peanut put her arms around his middle and squeezed, reveling in the feel of him.  She’d missed him so much and the sound of his heartbeat under her ear was comforting to her.  Skip embraced her and she snuggled against him as he rubbed her back.

              “I love you, Peanut, and I’ll always take care of you all,” he said.

              Peanut looked up at him.  “I believe you, Skippy.”

              Slowly, he bent his head and pressed his lips to hers, ignoring the pain in his jaw.  His need to kiss her overrode any discomfort it caused.  He wanted to take her somewhere and make love to her, but that would have to wait. 

              Ending the kiss, he asked, “Will you move back home with me?”

              Peanut smiled.  “Yes.  I only moved down here because it was hard being there without you.  The only problem was that I found out that it’s hard being anywhere without you.”

              “It is?”

              “Yeah.”

              “It’s hard being anywhere without you, too.  So from now on, we’re not gonna be anywhere without each other.  Well, except for when I go to work and stuff like that,” he said, smiling.

              Peanut chuckled.  “I love the sound of that.”

              “How’s Annie?” he asked.

              “Come see for yourself.  She’s gonna be happy to see her pa,” Peanut said.

              Skip’s delighted grin made her heart smile.  He followed Peanut to Beth’s office, where he shyly greeted Beth before making a bullfrog croak.  Annie let out a squeal and reached for him.  Skip took her, holding her close while inhaling her baby scent.  Tears burned his eyes as he thought of how he’d almost thrown away such happiness by losing his temper so badly.  As he held and played with Annie, he vowed to never let it happen again. 

              Saying goodbye to Beth, Skip went to help Peanut pack.  He’d brought Dash with him, hoping for a positive outcome.  Skip helped Peanut mount and then gave her Annie.  As he led Dash along slowly so as not to bounce Peanut and the baby around, Skip felt a lightening in his soul and knew that it was all because of the precious cargo that Dash carried.  His little family. 

             
Their mine and I’ll do whatever I have to keep them.  Wakan Tanka, I’m grateful to you for giving them to me in the first place and for giving them back to me.  In return for your generosity, I’ll help Runner, your chosen one.  He’s gonna have an uphill battle, but I’ll fight right along with him.  This is my solemn vow to you.