Spirit (31 page)

Q
uinn wondered just how many times life was going to jerk her around today.

She’d have to storm past Nick and Adam to get to the front door, but a sliding glass door led out of the living room. An alcoholic buzz still made her thoughts swim, but she managed to get the lock thrown. She stumbled onto the tiny concrete patio. Cold air bit at her cheeks before Nick caught up to her.

“Stop,” he said. “Quinn, stop, please—”

She swung around and hit him. Rage-filled strikes that slammed into his chest and made her head ache and vision whirl.

She was vaguely aware she was crying, and she had no idea how many times she hit him before he caught her arms and forced her still.

Quinn looked up at him. Her body felt like she was still moving. The stars spun overhead. Her stomach rolled.

“Quinn,” he whispered.

“Nick,” she said back.

And then she threw up on his feet.

He deserved it, but that didn’t make it any less humiliating. She expected him to shove her away in disgust, or to drop her there in her own puke, because she could barely hold herself upright.

But he kicked off his shoes and picked her up.

“I want you to leave me alone,” she said, even as her head lolled onto his shoulder against her will.

“No offense,” he said as he carried her back into the apartment, “but I’m pretty sure you’re as screwed up about
what you want
as I am.”

He cleaned her up and put her back in Adam’s bed. Then he wrapped the quilt around her and lay down beside her.

Adam brought her Tylenol and a glass of water, then left them alone.

Quinn stared through the darkness at the ceiling. It wasn’t spinning now. Every breath seemed to clear her head.

Stupid tears were still leaking out of her eyes, and she angrily swiped them away.

“I’m sorry,” said Nick.

“So you’re gay?”

He was silent for a moment, and his voice was careful. “I don’t know.”

“No offense,” she said, mocking his earlier tone, “but I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of thing you’d
know
by now.”

He rolled up on one shoulder to look down at her—but he didn’t say anything.

And then she recognized the uncertainty in his eyes, the mixture of worry and fear and panic and need. She struggled with acceptance every day—she’d never considered that someone like Nick Merrick would be struggling with the same thing. He’d seemed like such a
rock
, such a steady, put-together guy, and she’d latched on to him, hoping to find some security.

He was really just as screwed up as she was.

That chased the anger away. “Do your brothers know?” she said quietly.

“I don’t know if there’s anything to
know
, Quinn.”

Well, that sounded like a heaping load of self-denial. She didn’t look away from him and chose her words carefully. “Do they have any idea you might have entertained the thought of kissing another boy?”

His voice was resigned. “No.”

“Not even Gabriel?”

“No. Jesus,
no
.”

She stretched her hand out from under the blanket and found his. “It’s okay,” she said. “I won’t tell anyone.”

He rolled back to stare at the same ceiling, but he kept hold of her hand. “I should have just taken you back to my house tonight.”

“No, I’m glad this happened.” Then she winced. “I mean, not the puking part. But I thought you were just stringing me along.”

“Quinn.” He squeezed her hand. “I kind of
was
.”

She moved closer and put her head on his shoulder. “But now I understand why.”

Nick sighed, but he didn’t say anything.

“I should have known you were too good to be true,” she said.

“What does that mean?”

“It means my luck sucks,” she said. “It was nice dating a guy who treated me like a friend instead of a blow-up doll.”

“You were the one trying to unzip my pants in the truck!”

“Yeah, well, I thought you weren’t interested. I didn’t realize that your divining rod just pointed in a different direction.”

“You’re killing me,” he said. But it sounded like he was smiling.

Quinn sighed. “So I’m back on the market. You should have left me on the beach with those guys.”

His voice sharpened right up. “Quinn, that was insane. You know that, right? After what happened with Becca—you can’t—you just—”

“I had nowhere to go!” she cried. “My mother threw me out again—”

“Next time, call me. Or Becca. This was
crazy
. Anything could have happened.”

“Becca was with Chris. And you—you weren’t—”

“I wasn’t what?” He pushed her off him so he could look down at her. His voice was fierce. “I wasn’t your friend? I wasn’t concerned? Jesus, Quinn, just because I don’t want to sleep with you doesn’t mean I don’t
care
about you.”

She stared at him. No one had ever lectured her like that.

She kind of liked it.

Nick ran a hand through his hair. “God, you’re crazy. Do you think people will only like you because you put out?”

“I don’t just
think
that,” she snapped. “It’s true.”

“It’s not,” he said softly. “I promise you. It’s not.” He paused. “You said it was nice dating a guy who was a friend. Why don’t you slow down a bit and take a break from all the . . . ah,
extracurriculars
?”

Quinn smiled. “You and your vocabulary.”

“I’m serious,” he said. “Why don’t you put all that passion into your dancing?”

“So you want me to hump Adam on stage? I’m not sure that’s the kind of audition he’s looking for.”

“Quinn.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. She was losing Becca to Chris. It was okay, and she
got
it, but now she was going to lose Nick, too. It was almost enough to force tears between her lashes again.

She opened her eyes and looked down at him. Her voice was choked. “Could we keep dating?” When Nick frowned, she rushed on. “Not like for reals. Just—just for a little while?”

“Why?”

Because she didn’t trust herself not to jump on another motorcycle the next time her mom was a raging bitch or a cheerleader called her fat or there wasn’t any chocolate in the house. Because Nick was still someone steady to lean on, someone who wouldn’t use her. Somehow this revelation made him safer, and for the first time, she wanted to cling to a boy especially because he
didn’t
want to put his Tab A into her Slot B.

Not like she could say that. “It would help you, right? Keep a secret?” When he didn’t say anything, she studied his eyes. “Or . . . are you going to come out . . . ?”

He sat up quickly and rubbed at his face. “No.
No.
I don’t know.”

She spoke carefully. “It would buy us both some time.”

His hands dropped. “So . . . a secret. Why would you do that for me?”

Quinn hugged him and spoke into his shoulder. “Because you’re
my
friend, too.” She paused, and a smile found its way into her voice. “You know, if I’m dancing with Adam, my
boyfriend
would have to come along to a lot of my rehearsals.”

He laughed again, more softly this time. But then he hesitated. “Do you really think I could?”

Nick finally climbed into bed at five in the morning. He was going to be a zombie on those landscaping jobs today.

Quinn was safely asleep at Becca’s, with a stern warning to call him if she felt any need to go anywhere else.

And Adam . . .

“Hey. You’re up. Everything okay with Quinn?”

Nick jumped a mile. He was lucky he didn’t pee his pants. Gabriel was there in the doorway, wearing running shoes and a hoody.

“Yeah,” Nick said. “Long night.”

“Anything interesting happen?”

Ha.

For a heartbeat of time, Nick considered telling him everything. Then he shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “I’m going back to sleep for a few hours.”

“Sure you don’t want to go for a run?”

Maybe Gabriel sensed the energy in the room, because Nick was actually considering it. Being out in the crisp air, letting oxygen fill his lungs and charge him with power.

But then he thought of those jobs later this morning.

He thought of the secrets he was keeping from his twin.

He thought of that envelope on his desk, with the letter he didn’t want to open. Or that kiss, when he’d been swept into the maelstrom of emotion and touch and tongues and—

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, and Nick glanced at the lit-up display. His heart skipped a beat when he recognized Adam’s number.

Then he realized Gabriel was still waiting.

“Not today,” Nick said. “You go on without me.”

When his brother was gone, Nick unlocked the screen to read Adam’s message.

When you’re sure of what you want, I’ll be right here.