Spark (18 page)

“Genevieve, I didn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to.” His coldness rips through me like a winter breeze, straight off the snow. What did I ever see in him?

“Yeah, you’re right, but it wasn’t unreasonable for me to think I was the only one.”

“I never promised you anything.”

“You never told me the truth, either. I had no idea I’d come into some kind of fucked-up open relationship. I
never
would have let it get this far.”

“I told you I didn’t want to be that guy, remember?” he says, cocking an eyebrow.
What an arrogant piece of shit
.

“Well, I’ve got one good thing to say about Candice. She stopped me from making a big mistake.” A fucking colossal mistake. She’s done me a favour. I’ve got to see the vulture in front of me before I let him pluck my virginity.

I block out his voice, because I already know every word we’ve shared today will continue to haunt me long after I leave.

I turn and walk away. I never want to be anywhere near this low-life again. Ever.

Watch me walk, Alex. It’s the last time you’ll ever lay eyes on me.

CHAPTER TEN

I call in sick on Monday morning, telling Cassie I won’t be in for a few days. I’m making a fashion statement by wearing my pyjamas twenty-four hours a day. I turn off my phone and retreat to my room, my sanctuary, only leaving for ice cream or for the bathroom. I’m grateful I stocked up on M&M’s when they were on special last week. I’m not getting through this without them.

When Crystal isn’t home, I retreat to the lounge room for a change of scenery, and watch some mind-numbing drivel on TV. Daytime television really has a lot to answer for. They cry, I cry. It’s a vicious cycle.

Between Oprah, the tear-jerker queen, and Dr Phil, I’ve slipped deeper into the abyss of broken hearts. Not that he ever had my heart. He’s just broken me. He’d taken what hope I had left, and tossed it aside like yesterday’s newspaper.

I chose the bad boy. The player without a heart. The one I’d read about enough times to know I’d get hurt.

I’d known deep down that Alex and I wouldn’t work. He just didn’t
get
me. He didn’t appreciate me. I was so desperate to experience all the things I’d been missing, the things I’d fantasised about, that I didn’t take notice of the warning flutters in my stomach. The age gap was too big, and it was never going to work with someone so emotionally crippled. How or why I was drawn to him in the first place is a fucking mystery. Work that shit out, Dr Phil.

My introduction to the world of relationships has had a cracking start. Fucking disastrous. Given a second chance, would I have agreed to date Jon? Would I have still said yes, and put myself through this? Because that single decision is the one that led me to this place. And this place I’m in? It’s
not
pretty.

All this time to think means the emotions I had bottled up are beginning to surface. The family shit. The breakup with Jon. To make matters worse, Christmas is next week, and I have never been less excited about it. It’s going to be so difficult to put on an
I’m-okay-but-really-I’m-not
face, when I’m crumbling inside. My head is one giant cluster-fuck. Before all of this, even with Mum being sick, I never buckled, never wavered under the pressure. Now, I’ve never felt so … weak. It’s pathetic.

After a few days that blurred into each other, I get a visitor.
Crap
. It’s one pm, on Thursday, and I’m still in my pyjamas. I drag my arse off the lounge, and look in the mirror on my way to the intercom. Fuck, I look terrible. Whoever it is, at least they’ll believe I’m legitimately sick. I haven’t told my mother I’m not at work, so I hope to God it’s not her. She can’t know
any
of this. She has enough to deal with. I’m suddenly hit with a twinge of guilt. I haven’t even had the strength to think about how she’s coping. I should have called her.

“Hello,” I answer in a croaky voice.

“It’s Cassie,” she says, cheerful as ever.

Relief washes over me. I buzz the intercom to let her in. I guess it’s time to face the music. I’m gonna have to talk to someone and deal with this shit. There’s no hope in praying that I can stay in bed until the hurt decides to leave and take up with someone else.

“Hey, gorgeous girl. Your phone was switched off, so I thought I’d drop by. I brought soup.” God love her. I guess I can’t live on chocolate and ice cream forever, and my stocks are running low. If I had’ve known she was coming, I would have asked her to bring more M & M’s.

We move to the couch, and I turn off the TV.

“So, what’s wrong? Have you been to the doctor?” she asks.

My eyes start to water, and I know the tears are on their way.

“It’s nothing the doctor can help me with. It’s … Alex.” Just saying his name causes a stream of tears down my pale unwashed face.

“What the fuck has he done? Has he hurt you? I’ll
kill
that son of a bitch.” In an instant her whole body tenses, and any trace of Cassie’s normal cheeriness evaporates.

She is
not
happy.

This is why I didn’t tell her about Alex. It was never a good idea. Being my protective ‘big sister’, I knew she would have talked me out of it. I should have told her. I could have avoided
all
of this.

“No, he hasn’t hurt me. Emotionally, yes, but physically, no.”

I decide it’s best to tell her everything. No point holding back now. Cassie really cares for me, and I owe it to her to be honest. I owe it to our friendship, and to myself.

So I tell her.

Everything.

Some things are more embarrassing to say than others. Cassie just sits, holds my hand, and listens. Her facial expressions change between that of worry, annoyance, and, at times, curiosity. Towards the final narrative of my life’s chapter on Alex, her eyes are filled with hatred. I imagine this is how my eyes might have looked, boring into Alex for the last time.
Fuckwit.

“How could I be so trusting? I’m so stupid. You warned me off him the first time. I should have listened. Instead I went back for another serve. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, Eevie. Christ, you’ve done nothing wrong. You put your trust in this poor excuse of a man, and he used you. As much as I’m pissed off with the fact he was fucking around on you with that bimbo, her turning up that day, she did you a favour. You could have made a huge mistake. Mistakes like that … you can’t just undo.” She closes her eyes, and shakes her head.

Is she referring to her first time?

“Everything happens for a reason, Eevie. The universe did you a solid. I know it hurts like hell, honey, but think how much worse you’d be feeling if you found out about her
after
you’d slept with him.” Cassie pulls me into a warm hug, not letting me go for a while. I’m so lucky to have her.

“I know. You’re right.” I mumble into her shirt.

I mentally kick myself for not talking to her about this sooner. My little path to self-destruction could have been
so
much worse. Who knows how long he could have kept his secrets from me?

Cassie holds me at arm’s length. “You believe that there’s some good in everyone, and I
love
that about you, Eevie. Hold onto that. Don’t become bitter and twisted like him. He doesn’t deserve your tears. If he couldn’t see what he had in front of him, well … he can go fuck himself. You are a beautiful, funny, clever girl. You are strong and resilient, having dealt with more shit in your lifetime than someone twice your age, and you’ve handled it with such maturity.
You
are one of a kind. Someday, someone is going to realise just how special you are.” Cassie searches my face, opening her eyes wider. “Believe it, Eevie. You
are
special. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I’m so lucky to have a friend like you, Cassie.” A friend who knows me, understands me, and above all, believes in me. I am strong; not right now, but it’s in me … somewhere.

“Me too, honey. Listen, I know you were planning on taking some time off in January. Let me see what I can organise, but I’d really like to take you away for a few days, maybe for New Year. I think a bit of sunshine and sand will help.” Cassie smiles, but it barely meets her eyes.

“Sounds great.” I sigh loudly. I know she’s right. I need some distance from the apartment, and … my pyjamas.

“But today, have a shower and get dressed, girl. I’m taking you somewhere.”

****

The mechanical bee buzzes noisily as it stings, over and over at the bottom of my spine. The first minute was hell, the pain more than enough to bring me to tears, but none would come. I’m numb. Inside and out. Hopefully soon, that will change.

****

With Christmas behind me, Cassie and I cruise to the coast in her Mini with the windows down, the breeze doing little to cool us. Behind the wheel, Cassie wears a wide
flashing-her-perfect-teeth
smile. She’s always happy. I wonder if it’s the sex that’s partly responsible for that smile on her face. I know she holds back on the details with Jeremy, but after a night with him, she has a bounce in her step that wasn’t there the day before. But I know it’s not just sex. I know she’s in love.

I shake my head. Sex is the last thing I want to think about. Sex has caused me nothing but pain, and I haven’t even done it yet.

I sit back with my feet on the dash, soaking up the rays as we go. I so need this break. As the car buzzes along the windy road, the music is a welcome distraction. After a while, I grab Cassie’s phone and review the playlist. She’s named the playlist “Eevie”.
How strange
. We’ve already heard “Fighter”, by Christina Aguilera, and “Stronger” and “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson. Coming up is “Stronger” by Kanye West, and “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child.

“What’s with the playlist? You seem to have a bit of a theme running.”

“Yeah, I was bored last night, so thought I’d create something to keep us motivated on the trip down.”

“Or keep me motivated.”

“Something like that,” she says, and gives me a knowing smile.

“Thanks.”

****

Amongst the chaos that has been my life of late, it’s hard to imagine that a beautiful place like this exists. With the silky white sand between my toes, salty air whips through my hair and stirs up the native grasses and mangroves. Sunlight glints off the waves as they come to shore. The hypnotic waves crash gently, over and over. The heat from the sun slowly draws out the pain.

I think about what happened with Alex. Things I would have done, and said. I know I wasn’t in love with Alex—who knows what in the hell that feels like—but I was starting to open up to the possibility that I could have something special with someone. Someday. I would find someone I
could
love, and that same someone could love me. I’d really thought this stuff would be easier. The perfect guy and girl always find each other in my books. When will it be my time?

My mind has been trapped in this mess for weeks now. It’s isn’t that long ago that I’d lost Jon, but my way of coping was to jump in the deep end with Alex. I know I can’t do this to myself anymore. I have to snap out of it. It’s exhausting. Perhaps I should swear off men for a while … book boyfriends included. Someone that’s right for me will come along. Having been through all of this, I know I’ll recognise him when he does.

On day two of our getaway, Cassie surprises me with a full-day spa experience. After a bit of waxing in the downstairs area, which has me in tears and shouting at the poor woman yielding the hot sticky liquid, Cassie and I sit down to a camomile tea, although after that experience, vodka would have been a better choice. I change into a soft, velvety, white bathrobe, its caress warm against my naked body. I am welcomed with a peppermint foot scrub in a candle-lit room, with soft tranquil music and the sweet scent of jasmine tickling my nose. Next, my body is coated in a honey and sugar scrub. With each circular motion, I imagine all traces of Alex being removed. A hot towel burns at first as the scrub is wiped off, but gently soothes as it cools down. A cool yoghurt mixture is applied with a brush that deliciously licks across my skin, stress melting away with every stroke. Wrapped up in a yoghurt cocoon, my head is massaged.

At this moment, my problems are distant, almost non-existent. I’m starting to feel more alive than simply existing.

Day three, after a few hours of swimming and walking the length of the beach, Cassie and I enjoy a few cocktails at sunset.

“Not that I want to bring him up, but I asked around about Alex,” Cassie says warily, swirling her straw in her drink. The mere mention of his name makes me cringe.

“And?”

“Sounds like he’s more of a creep than we realised. Apparently he’s bisexual, and into some real kinky shit.”

“No way … bisexual! You’re shitting me, right?” I shake my head. I guess it’s not that unbelievable, but still a shock. I really had no fucking clue what I was getting myself into. God knows what I could have picked up, or what he could have tried to talk me into.

“I wish I was, Eevie. Like I said before, everything happens for a reason, and honey, I’m just glad you didn’t get in too deep.”

“Me too.”

****

I know I have a choice. I can continue to play the victim and blame Alex for what he did to me, or do something about it. I need to take the lesson from this and get on with my life. The relationship was all about Alex—what he wanted out of it, so much so that I forgot about myself. He made me feel undeserving of him, and on the odd occasion where he would do or say something remotely thoughtful I would grab a hold of it, thinking that I meant something to him. Thinking he was opening up to me. He made me think the way he treated me was normal. Nowhere along the line did he show any concern for my feelings, and what he didn’t want from me, he got so easily somewhere else, without thinking there was anything wrong with it.

Maybe I should write some thank you letters. Firstly, to Barbie.

Dear Barbie,