Authors: Rudy Rucker
Spaceland (25 page)
“Do the Mophones bother you or not?” I asked the Wackles.
“Do radio bother you either too?” said Wackle. “No they don't. So for why the Kluppers make Mophones? Deep dish question.”
“Momo said the phone signals would keep you from coming through Spaceland to steal her grolly,” I said. “But the Mophones don't bother you andâand you don't even like grolly. You're not interested in Klupdom. Momo was lying about everything. So why
did
she give us the Mophones?”
did
she give us the Mophones?”
“To end in tears you bet,” said a Wackle. “To plow us under. Get rid of them now, Joe. This we ask.”
“Not yet,” I said quickly. “Nothing bad is happening. The Mophones are a great invention. And we still have to do our IPO.” I glanced down at Spaceland just in time to see Jena walking onto my porch wearing a yellow Patagonia slicker. It was raining harder
than before. She looked anxious and bedraggled. “I'm going back now,” I told the Wackles.
than before. She looked anxious and bedraggled. “I'm going back now,” I told the Wackles.
“Our smeel is one,” said the biggest Wackle, miming a bite in the air and patting the spot on his body where he'd pulled loose the ball of flesh. Whatever
that
meant.
that
meant.
I turned myself the right way round, and settled back into my room, standing there naked. Immediately Jena was walking in my door, water dripping off her slicker, her woman's eyes seeing everything. Her hair was straggly and she'd left home in such a hurry that she hadn't put her lipstick on.
“Tulip slept with you?” she demanded. “What's that cut on your shoulder? Did she bite you? Hussy. What if she has AIDS?”
“Hi, Jena.” I still had my calm center from being in the All. “I have to shower and get dressed. Don't forget the MeYou folks are coming by for the hand-off at three o'clock.” I got past her and into the bathroom before she could continue. First thing, I put rubbing alcohol, antibiotic cream and a band-aid on the spot where the Wackle ball had bitten me. It was a little half-moon nick in the skin, out on the very end of my left shoulder. If I turned my head I could see it. Nothing much, but it was kind of disturbing. I brushed my teeth twice to get the taste of the Wackle flesh out of my mouth.
Our smeel is one
.
Our smeel is one
.
By the time I was dressed, Jena had settled in, eating leftovers from my refrigerator. She'd brushed her hair and fixed her makeup. She was wearing a bright yellow blouse and some electric blue slacks. She looked good.
We made some plans for how to deal with Sante, and then we did a little work in the office, tying up loose ends. It was still raining. There weren't any calls from Sante and, equally nice, Spazz didn't come in. Jena kept trying to get an argument going, but I didn't rise to the bait. It was like I was finally getting over her.
Sleeping with Tulip had helped a lot. It made me realize that there really were other women in the world for me.
Sleeping with Tulip had helped a lot. It made me realize that there really were other women in the world for me.
Around two o'clock I started needing some more grolly. I was weak and achy all over. I drank a couple of Cokes, but it didn't help. Finally I told Jena I was taking a nap, and I went into my room. locking the door behind me to keep her out.
I'd kind of hoped I might find some scraps of grolly on my floor, but there weren't any at all. I was feeling worse all the time. Feverish, sick to my stomach. I used my third eye to peek into the Klupper side of the All, not quite daring to think about what I was about to do. There weren't any of the Empress's soldiers or any grolly guards around. The soldiers hadn't been watching Momo at all; she'd long since paid them off not to observe how flagrantly she was meddling with our world. And it seemed she'd been telling the grolly guards to leave her alone as well. Nobody had seen her get shot. nobody knew I had her saucer, and the space between me and the Klupper cliffs was flat out empty. I decided to go for it.
I peeled vinn to Dronner space, losing my clothes as usual, and flapped over to the garage. There was my saucer. Some Wackles were watching nearby, more of them than before, but they didn't say anything to me. The way their shapes kept changing, I couldn't be quite sure they were the same guys I'd talked to before. I steered clear of them. Just untied the saucer and got into it. The Wackles still didn't say anything. I got the feeling they were curious to see what I was about to stir up.
I took a deep breath and took hold of the stick that controlled the saucer. It was pretty much like an old-time floor-mounted gearshift. I pushed the knob a bit andâ
ZOOOM
âI flashed through Spaceland and into the Klupper half of the All. Wow. I pushed the stick a little further, and felt myself rocketing towards the cliffs of Klupdom,. I jiggled the knob this way and that, getting a feel for
the controls. They were incredibly responsive; I veered left, right, up, down, vinn and vout, always keeping my course aimed roughly towards the cliffs.
ZOOOM
âI flashed through Spaceland and into the Klupper half of the All. Wow. I pushed the stick a little further, and felt myself rocketing towards the cliffs of Klupdom,. I jiggled the knob this way and that, getting a feel for
the controls. They were incredibly responsive; I veered left, right, up, down, vinn and vout, always keeping my course aimed roughly towards the cliffs.
As I got closer, I homed in on a particularly bright patch of chartreuse and lavender. A fresh, unharvested grolly field. I managed to stop the saucer without slamming into the cliffs, and then I undulated over to the field. As usual, the grolly plantsâor animals?âwere happy to greet a harvester. The fronds stretched towards me, lining up like the stalks of wheat in a crop circle. I could see how they might be distant relatives of the Wackles. Plantimals. But the grolly didn't talk crazy, and it tasted good.
I starting picking grolly buds, snapping the lovely little ball/bagels off the friendly fronds. I'd brought my hypersack with me, and I used it to ferry load after load of grolly to the saucer, my full mouth munching all the while. Before long I had like ten pounds of the stuff, easily a month's supply. I would have gotten more, but now another silver saucer came flying towards meâone of the Momo family grolly guards, a bulging fellow in gray.
Quick as a knife, I turned myself to stare straight at him, which aligned me so thatâto his eyeâI was only the thinnest of lines. I was like an angelfish that hides from a shark by pointing towards him. The purplish-skinned guard pulled up next to Momo's saucer, looking it over. Clearly he recognized his mistress's vehicle, for now he started calling her name. Moving with incredible grace and cunningâat least to me it felt that way, high on grolly as I wasâI kept adjusting myself to be edge-on towards the guard. He bellowed Momo's name a few more times and then, to my horror, he took out a rope and prepared to tie her saucer to his own, as if to tow it away.
Before I'd really thought through the consequences, I gave a great flap of my body, sending myself into the seat of Momo's saucer. I leaned on the control, yawing the machine around and roaring it
back towards Spaceland. It took the guard a second to get the picture, and then he came after me in hot pursuit. He didn't catch me, though. I had a good head start and, unlike the guard, I had no qualms at all about flying through Spaceland into Dronia. By aiming carefully, I crossed Spaceland through the empty space inside my garage. So the neighbors wouldn't see.
back towards Spaceland. It took the guard a second to get the picture, and then he came after me in hot pursuit. He didn't catch me, though. I had a good head start and, unlike the guard, I had no qualms at all about flying through Spaceland into Dronia. By aiming carefully, I crossed Spaceland through the empty space inside my garage. So the neighbors wouldn't see.
The Wackles cheered to see me reappear. There kept being more of them, as if they were massing here for something. Like in
The Birds.
I slowed, looped around, tethered my saucer to the garage beam again, and flapped back to my room, bringing along as much grolly as I could stuff into my hypersack. The rest could wait in the saucer till later. Still the Wackles just watched.
The Birds.
I slowed, looped around, tethered my saucer to the garage beam again, and flapped back to my room, bringing along as much grolly as I could stuff into my hypersack. The rest could wait in the saucer till later. Still the Wackles just watched.
Back in my room, I put on my khakis and paused, fingering the bandaged Wackle-bite on my shoulder. It felt itchy and sore. I was about to take off the band-aid and have another look at it, but now Jena started knocking on my door.
“Joe! Are you finally awake? I heard something. What did you lock yourself in for? Lucky for you the MeYou people are running late. Clement called half an hour ago. But listen, Joe, I heard something in the garage.”
I used my third eye to peer vout over the door at Jena. She looked energetic and nosy. “Open up,” she repeated. “There was this big whoosh and thump. What if it's Sante?”
I undid the lock and pulled on my shirt, a burgundy linen number. I could check my cut later.
“Since when do you get undressed for a nap?” Jena wanted to know. “Are you trying to seduce me?” She gave me a pert, inviting smile. Should I respond? No. I put on my socks and shoes.
“Don't worry about the garage,” I said. “That was me out there.” I hefted my hypersack. “I was vout in Klupdom replenishing my stash. I've got my game face on now, Jena. I'm ready to rock and roll.”
“That grolly stuff's not good for you, Joe,” said Jena. “You're not the same anymore. You've gotten soâcold. Could and heartless.”
“Maybe I'm just that way around you,” I said. “Protecting myself. You wiped your butt with my heart, I seem to recall.”
“What if we go to a marriage counselor?” said Jena, nibbling on one of her fingernails. “Give ourselves a fresh start. We'll both be rich after the IPO. Maybe we could be happy again. You'd have to quit grolly, though.”
“As if your drinking wasn't an even bigger problem.” In my normal state of mind, I might have welcomed Jena's offer. But right now it was the grolly in me doing the talking. Cold and heartless. “Forget it. The point is, Jena, I really don't want to get back together with you. All we do is make each other miserable. It's hopeless. Now lay off me, okay? We'll do this last meeting and it'll be adios. Stu Koblenz can help us get the divorce.”
“Go to hell!” shouted Jena, and stormed out of my bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
I looked around the room for a good place to hide my grolly. I had this uneasy feeling that Jena might find it and throw it away. Finally I wrapped it in some dirty laundry and slid it under the far corner of my futon.
As I was bent over doing that, somebody kicked me really hard in the butt. At first I thought it was Jena, even though I hadn't heard her come back in. But no, it was a wiry little figure from hyperspace. A Klupper. Momo's son-in-law Deet. His cross section looked jagged and mean. He hit me in the side of the head before I could get up. The blow knocked me all the way across the room.
“Jena!” I shouted. But the only answer I heard from Jena was the slamming of the front door. Deet grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me so hard that I was bouncing in and out of space. I heard Jena's Beetle start up and putt away.
“You killed Momo, you flat piece of dirt,” hissed Deet.
“It was the Wackles,” I cried. “They ambushed her. It wasn't my fault!”
“You helped them,” said Deet, jabbing a finger into my body and sending a preliminary tingle of pain up my spine. “One of our guards saw you in Momo's saucer. Degenerate fool. Do you think you can trifle with the Kluppers?”
“I found the saucer floating around,” I protested. “I thought Momo didn't need it anymore.”
“Give it to me,” said Deet.
“Huh?”
He adjusted his head so that I saw something like a human face. A thin face with a small, twisted smile. “I have no saucer of my own. I borrowed Voule's to fly here when we got the word. I deserve to inherit my mother-in-law's saucer. Give it to me and I'll row it home.”
“IâI don't know where it is,” I said.
A huge jolt of pain raced down my spine and out into every nerve of my body.
“It's in Dronia,” I shrieked. “Right vinn from my garage. Go and get it.”
Deet stopped, thinking. “Another ambush,” he said finally. “Your Wackle friends lurk vinn there, do they not?”
Moving quickly, he fattened up one of his arms and drew a hyperbazooka down into the space of my room. Like Momo had done before, Deet shoved his head and shoulders vinn to Dronia, clutching the weapon and blasting away. A red piece of Wackle-smeel bounced off my bed and disappeared vout into Klupdom.
Deet kept up his shooting until, apparently, the hyperbazooka had used up its charge. He drew a partial cross section of his head back in the room with me, leaving some of his head still on the
vinnward side of the All, to watch for Wackles. “They're obscenely numerous,” he remarked. “Ever more of them approach.” He looked crooked and anxious.
vinnward side of the All, to watch for Wackles. “They're obscenely numerous,” he remarked. “Ever more of them approach.” He looked crooked and anxious.
“I can fetch the saucer for you,” I offered. If I could peel vinn to Dronia, I'd be safe from Deet.
“Scum,” he said slapping me again. “Trifler. I'll claim the saucer in a few hours time. The Empress will see fit to properly clean out the Dronners once your Spaceland is no more.” He looked at me, gauging the effect of his words.
“No more?” I croaked. Somehow, deep down, I'd known this was coming.
“Indeed,” sneered Deet, pulling himself back from Dronia. “Your filthy membrane of a world will be gone before you sleep again. Even as we speak, your chattering fellow apes destroy the integrity of your cosmos. It's safe to tell you now, I deem. The Mophone antennas send out more energy than they receive. Your Conservation Law is broken, your film of space wears thin. It is as my family planned. Spaceland will burst, and we'll rain destruction upon the Dronners. Their kingdom shall be ours. The cliffs of Dronia can become one vast grolly farm.”
The red snout of a Wackle came pushing into my room; at the first sight of it, Deet was gone.
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