Sounds of Yesterday (8 page)

“Em, a really big package came for you.” Declan stops at my door and throws me a wink. “Mom is kind of going crazy with everyone getting acceptance letters so I’d go down and check on her.”

I walk up to my big brother and hold out my hand. He looks at me like I’m stupid for a millisecond. “My package?”

“Downstairs. I’m not your bitch.” His words are not harsh when he smiles the way he does. He’s a big softie when it comes to me. We look alike only he’s bigger and a man.
He’s
the intimidating Spencer. I compare myself to this white goose that liked to follow my grandparents’ neighbors’ horse all the time. Every time I looked out into the shared backyard and I saw the horse mind his own business with the goose beside him, I’d tell Declan that was us. He laughed in my face and pulled my hair but then he noticed it as we got older. I was his shadow. He was my shield.

Declan glances over my shoulder and rolls his eyes. “If you two could not make babies on my sister’s bed, that would be nice.”

I don’t even want to know what they’re doing. I’ve witnessed some heavy porn-like things with that sex-crazed couple so I’ll happily keep my eyes on my brother instead.

As I pass Declan to head downstairs, he steps back and blocks my way. “Hey.” His lips twitch and he starts to cross his arms over his chest. It takes a few seconds for his eyes to stop roaming around me before they meet mine again briefly. “We’re fine with wherever you go. Don’t worry about us, okay?”

I look up into his blue eyes and nod. He’s always trying to comfort me and it works. There’s nothing like a brother’s love for his sister.

He leans down and kisses my forehead lightly before walking toward his room.

I head downstairs and hear Mom in the kitchen. She’s leaning on the island counter like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. She looks up and wipes her eyes quickly. “Oh, sweetie!” She walks toward me with a large envelope in her hands. “It’s from Princeton!”

If it’s possible to die and come back to life in a second, it happens right now.

Princeton is my top school and I have a big envelope. Big envelopes are good.

But I already picked U Miami…

Princeton is my dream
.

“Open it! Please. I need to know. New Jersey isn’t too far. It’s not here that’s for sure.” Mom wipes her bangs to the side and lets out a deep breath. Her eyes are wide and she’s fidgeting. “Emily, please open it.” Her voice is high pitched and on the verge of cracking. I know my mother and I’ll say in about three point two seconds, she’ll be crying.

I already chose Florida though.

I turn over the envelope and slide my finger under the flap. I eye Mom because it’s semi ripped already. She was going to beat me to it. How rude! She ignores the look and steps closer to me, her eyes watering.

When I rip open the rest of the flap, Sophie, Zach, and Declan come downstairs and hover nearby when I read my fate.

Congratulations -
is the first word my eyes zero in on.

I got in.

I got into Princeton!

Everyone cheers and tries to hug me but then steps back when they remember I hate it. They yell and scream for me; happy that I got in.

Then why am I not smiling?

“Mom, I’m going to–”

“PRINCETON!” She grabs Declan and shakes him so hard it’s a miracle he doesn’t break. “This is the best news! Your sister is going to Princeton!” She’s full on crying now, most likely both happy and sad tears because this means I’m leaving.

Sophie looks at me, speechless.

I don’t know what to do either.

The best day of my life is ruined once again because when I should be cheering and laughing and hugging everyone, I instead drop the letter on the table and say I want to be alone. Everyone stops what they’re doing and watch me walk away.

When I get to my room, I grab my phone and text the person I need to know an answer from. Once I know then maybe I can celebrate this news.

Me: Did you get anything in the mail?

Alex reads the message and is answering back. I continue to stare at the three little dots on the screen until he answers.

Alex: Just grabbed everything. One sec

I wait for what feels like forever, my heart hanging on a very thin rope.

The three dots are back and I stop breathing, trying to freeze this moment. This is it. This will be my fate.

Alex: Em, I got in. Holy shit, I got into Princeton!!! :D

I grab my comforter and wrap myself in a little cocoon. I have my answer. He’ll be there. If I go to Princeton, Alex will be there. How is he going to live his life if I’m constantly around? Sure he stays right now but soon, I’ll be a burden. I’ll be the girl holding him back. And I won’t accept that. Every time he looks at me, I know he thinks of that night. I know he feels responsible and useless. I don’t see any of those things when I look at him. He doesn’t
see
that. He’s stuck on that day and I really want to move on from it. I can’t live my life constantly crying and hating myself for not being able to stop it. I didn’t report it and I don’t want to. I want that night to vanish forever. Never having to think of Pierce is a welcome idea.

I just want to forget and move on from all of this. I need to let him go. I need to be set free of these tortuous memories.

Alex: Did you get anything?

Me: No. Nothing yet.

Me: But that’s awesome, Alex! Congrats!

The three little dots appear on the screen again. I wait for a long time then the dots disappear and I get no reply.

Two minutes later, my phone vibrates.

Alex: Em

Me: Yeah?

Alex: When you do get in…don’t pass it up. Their music program is what you’ve dreamed about. Promise me that. Promise me you won’t pass it up.

I try to reply but I can’t.

I can’t make promises I can’t keep.

I click my phone to sleep and curse the universe for always finding a way to hurt me.

I spend a week thinking of what to do with this college dilemma. Mom is dead set on me going to Princeton and I’m starting to sway that way but it’s the wrong choice. Alex will be there. His sister is a junior there and told him enough about it for him to fall in love with the school. For his sister, he’ll go there. For pre-med, he’ll go there. For me, he won’t experience the next best years of his life. I want Alex to move on, and me being at the same school as him will not help him do that. I know that for a fact.

Alex is sitting behind me and his cologne mixed with his natural woodsy scent is filling my lungs. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

I’m conflicted on thinking of the future and it’s making everything fuzzy.

I want everyone to be happy.

What about me?

I deserve to be happy.

Alex is my happy.

He’s also my worst reminder.

“Ms. Spencer!” Mr. McAllister snaps his fingers at me from the front of the classroom. “Stop daydreaming and answer the problem on the board.” He holds out a black Expo marker and waits for me. He gives me a look that I translate as the-fucking-idiot-is-up-now. I’ll get to that in a minute.

I stand and walk down the aisle of students.

Calculus started making some sense after Alex taught it to me but when my heart and mind are constantly trying to figure themselves out, I’ve lost focus in school, mainly this class. So, for this douchelord to make me come up here in front of everyone and solve this problem is pretty shitty.

I stare at all the letters and numbers, some making sense, others testing my patience. What does this even have to do with me? Seriously. Will I ever use this in real life? I know simple math will be useful but all of this is not necessary. Alex needs this if he wants to pursue his career in pre-med and major in Biology.

We’ll both be following our passions. We’ll just be doing it separately, and a thousand miles away.

My chest feels tight knowing this is it for us. In June, after we graduate, we’ll go our separate ways. He won’t tutor me anymore. He won’t kiss me anymore. He won’t go back to looking at me like he wants to grab me and kiss me until my lips bruise.

He won’t break my heart by looking at me with the saddest eyes anymore.

We won’t be anything except for a memory.

“Any day now, Ms. Spencer.”

I tighten my grip on the marker and roll my eyes.

Okay, back to this issue. Mr. McAllister is a douchelord for two reasons. One, he likes to embarrass his students. All the time. It doesn’t matter if our grades so far already sealed our fates for college, he will not stop giving you work until the very last day of school. And if you can’t do it, he will have you up at the board clearly wasting his time. Second, is because Pierce was his favorite student. And his favorite lacrosse player. Pierce was and
is
still loved by everyone.
I’m
the villain in this story according to these soul-sucking leeches.

So as you can see, I’m basically being bullied by a teacher.

The bullying is a non-stop cycle.

I’m kind of sick of it already.

I work out the problem in my head and somehow start writing on the board. I’m on autopilot as I think of Alex sitting beside me, his hand on my knee while he helps me solve this. If I got the answer right, he’d kiss me.

I want him to kiss me…

I want him to smile when he sees me.

I want to go back to before. Back to when–

“I heard Pierce’s new school is up against us tonight,” Cynthia whispers from the front row.
To me.

The marker stops squeaking against the whiteboard when I stop writing. I know there’s a game tonight, the first game of the season, because Zach and the other guys have been pumped about it all day but the fact that Zach didn’t mention that piece of information makes me want to punch him. Hard.

A little warning would have been nice.

“Have you gained some weight? Your ass looks bigger.” She always brings my ass into it. It starts with something about being with Alex for his money, then it’ll escalate to my body, and then finally, it comes to Pierce and what a whore I am for fucking him when I know he has a girlfriend. The sick part though, before Pierce was transferred, he
confessed
to his girlfriend, Natalia that
we
hooked up. He told her because he knew I had nothing against him. She forgave him and doesn’t even bother with me.

I lose sleep thinking about how wrong all of this went. I wish I went to the police. But when I really think about it, I wouldn’t have gone. I never stood up for myself. I never brought attention to myself. I wasn’t going to be strong enough to report it. I wish I was.

I wish I did a lot of things differently but I can’t change them.

I’m stuck living with the consequences.

I turn around and lock eyes on Cynthia. I’ve always ignored her but I can’t. Not right now. She’s smirking at me while trying to play off an innocent expression. She can shove that smirk up her ass.

I feel everyone’s beady eyes on me. It’s making my skin heat up.

“No one likes whores.” She says the words so low that I barely even hear them but I saw her lips move. I will love to jump over her desk, rip her stupid brown hair out, and break her front teeth. I will love to let my anger out on her. God knows she deserves it.

Years of picking on me and never giving up has finally reached its limit. There’s only so much hatred a person can take.

I flip her the bird instead and go back to my math problem. Mr. McAllister huffs and puffs but I ignore him because he made me come up here in the first place.

“Don’t come to the game tonight. No one really wants you there,” she says a bit louder. I know no one wants me there. I don’t even want to be there but she doesn’t need to tell me that. She doesn’t need to beat me while I’m already down. I just want her to ignore me. Why is that so hard?

“You’re literally a waste of space.” Her whispered words echo throughout the quiet room.

A few students chuckle, pushing me closer to my breaking point.

“Who votes for the slut to stay home?” a student in the back calls out.

I was a loner. And now I’m a slut.

“I vote to cut off your dick and shove it down your throat,” Alex growls. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I feel myself burning up.
If everyone could just stop talking and pretend I’m invisible, that would be great.

“Stop!” Mr. McAllister yells, pointing a finger at the accuser or maybe Alex. That’s as far it will go. He will never side with me.

“Someone should have told her that when she opened her legs!” Cynthia adds because she always needs to have the last word.

I
told
him
that when he
raped
me.

I finish writing my answer, put the cap back on the marker, and set it down on the metal holder. I walk up to Cynthia’s desk and rest my palms against her notebook, leaning in close. Her chest rises and falls faster now that she’s trapped. She glances at the teacher but I grab her chin and make her look at me.

Any dark thoughts I have come to light. Because she needs to hear them.

“It’s people like you who make others kill themselves. Do you know that?” I let go of her and stare into her dark eyes. She’s one of the reasons why so many parents lose their children, why this world is turning dark. People need to stop this shit. The bullying, the rape, it happens because people think they’re better than everyone else. We’re all the same until we do something that changes our path. Why can’t we be good? Why can’t we act and be treated like humans? “I die inside every time his name is brought up. So keep talking about him. My life is clearly not valued.”

She blinks and looks down, more interested in the bracelet on her wrist.

I think for a second that I finally got through to the worst of them. Stopping her would make the others stop. It’s disgusting how people can’t think for themselves. They always have to one-up the other, be better and turn into something no one likes.

“Back to your seat, Emily.” Mr. McAllister starts erasing my problem and I get a ‘good job’ from him. If he asked me how I got my answer, I wouldn’t know how to explain what I wrote down on the board. I don’t even remember what the problem was.

As I turn to walk back, Cynthia grabs my wrist and pulls me toward her. “No one would give a shit if you died. We don’t care about fucking trash.”

My lungs deflate and it gets harder to breathe.

I wrench my hand from her grasp and I shove her in the chest. Her desk moves back half an inch, the legs of her seat scraping against the floors. I wish I hit her harder. “Fuck you.” I stand up straight and hold back the urge to break her face. I’ve had months of pent up anger. She has no idea who she’s dealing with. “Fuck all of you.”

“Language, Emi–”

“Fuck you too!” I turn on my heels and run to the door.

I can’t be in this school anymore.

I can’t do this.

I can’t.

My life was never made up of ‘can’t’.

Breathing in this society is slowing killing me. Everyone is full of hate. It pours out of them and it’s drowning me. Why is high school the worst? Shouldn’t it be one of the best times of your life? It’s the last year before you become an adult and have so many responsibilities. It’s the last year to think about how you can change not become worse.

I run down the hall and take the third floor stairs two at a time. I make it to the first floor when a hand grabs my arm and jerks me back.

I don’t have the chance to scream because his warmth consumes me. Every inch of my soul is touched by him. This is the first time he’s holding me in months and it makes everything disappear. All my problems, all my fears, all my anger, it just evaporates.

I wrap my arms around Alex tight and breathe him in.

“I can’t be here anymore! They’re all so vile!”

Alex’s heart pounds its rhythm against my ear.

This
is home. My happy place. My constant.

“Emily.”

“Hold me.” I sob into his chest for the time I lost. For what was taken from me. For
everything
. “Just hold me.”

The thought of another man touching me or even looking at me, makes me uncomfortable. Alex pushes those thoughts away. He makes me want to be held forever.

“I’m here.” His lips brush against my neck and I grip his t-shirt in my fist. “I’m here, Em.” I feel his arms tighten around me and it feels so good. To feel him, breathe him in, and hear him talking, it’s the best kind of feeling in the world. He’s like a drug. Alex takes me to another world without having to do anything except be here.

I want to disappear right now. I want to hide behind Alex until the world isn’t ugly and cruel. I want us to live in the happy place he has created for me.

But that will never happen.

This world is full of hate.

I’m wishing for a miracle that will never happen.

I have hope for the impossible.

So many things pass my mind, doors opening and closing, new paths taking shape. My world keeps shifting until it’s set on a path I never wanted. Not this early.

“Can we go somewhere?” I whisper, trying to hold on to him for as long as I can before I have to let go. “Right now. Just us.”

He pulls back and takes my face into his hands. There’s a small smile on his lips and it breaks my heart. He finally smiles.

He thinks this is good.

This is the worst thing I could have said.

“Yeah.” He drops one hand to his pocket and his lips drop into a frown. “Fuck. My keys are in my locker.” Which is on the third floor. Alex brushes the pads of his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away tears. He wants to get the keys but he doesn’t want to leave me.

He knows I’m not going back up there. Mr. McAllister is probably calling security to hunt me down before I do something. He sure as hell won’t leave his classroom. I’m not important to him. I’m just a girl who seeks attention.

“I’ll wait for you.” The words leave my mouth against my will. His eyes dance over my face and I make myself smile.
You have to sell it. He knows you, Em.
“Go get them. I’ll wait.”

“Promise?”

God, please forgive me.

“Promise.”

My eyes flutter closed as his lips rest on my forehead. I remember the feeling of his hands on my cheeks, the way his lips feel on my skin, and the way he’s looking at me right now, because I won’t ever feel or see this again.

No one should ever know the feeling of leaving behind the best thing you’ve ever had. I basically just ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into burning flames.

He taps my nose lightly before running to the stairs. He looks back twice to make sure I’m here. I am.

Until I don’t hear him on the stairs anymore.