Soon After (18 page)
Authors: Sherryle Kiser Jackson
“I don't know if I will carry this baby.” Vanessa turned away from her friend's gaze.
Pat grabbed Vanessa by the shoulder and turned her around so she could face her again. “Wait a minute, what do you mean?”
“I thought about it. I'm sick and throwing up all the time. This is past morning sickness. Something might be wrong, and I can't take that risk.”
“Vanessa, you're just letting the devil make way with your senses,” Pat said, grabbing her hands in hers.
“No, Pat,” Vanessa snatched her hand away from her friend and shook her head to refute what Pat just said. “I can't be a mother.”
“I'm going to get Willie now,” Pat announced, heading for the door of the study. “Forget the banquet, the two of you need to talk because you've gone crazy.”
“Stay out of it, Pat,” Vanessa shouted. She gathered herself and studied the door as if to sense if someone was on the other side. She checked her watch. “I'm going to check with my sister to see if we are ready to get started. Then we're going to go in, and I'm going to do nothing more than what I had planned in dedication to my father.”
“You want me to stay out of it while you talk crazy about not carrying the gift God has placed inside you. What's your alternative Vanessa, abortion? You want me to stay out of it after we prayed in agreement to your consecration to God as leader of this house while you deceive your husband. How long are you going to hold the truth from him?”
Vanessa stood stoically. She didn't have an answer to any of her friend's questions.
“I can't do it. A true friend calls you out and tells you when you're wrong. Ben Rawls taught me to get it straight before you stand before God's people. I love you dearly, but I'm not taking part in thisânot today, not any day. So we can say our goodbyes now,” Pat said with her hands on her hips. “I'm going to get my husband, and we are going to go in there and do nothing more than say goodbye to your congregation, thank them for their hospitality, and tell them we've got to ease on down the road. I'll let you explain our departure to your husband later.”
Vanessa watched her friend of twenty-five years turn on her three inch stiletto heels and leave.
Chapter 16
A Bump in the Road
Willie woke up thinking maybe he was the only mature one in his circle. The past few weeks seemed to be filled with petty squabbles and disagreements between he and his wife, between his wife and her sister, and now his wife and her best friend. He didn't find out about the latter until his guest minister left in the middle of their anniversary celebration. He was surprised that Ben fell prey to the nonsense and offered no other explanation than, “Normally, I wouldn't play like a celebrity that preaches one minute and is led out early by his entourage the next, but I've got to back my wife up. We love you guys. Just talk to Vanessa, man, and I'll call you next week.”
Vanessa was the common denominator. To say that he was turned off by her current behavior was putting it mildly. He feared the twelve years that separated them was finally making a difference. When they first got together, his outlook on life met her intensity and fierce independence somewhere in the middle of that gap. Now he wasn't sure they were relating like they used to.
After spending the remainder of Sunday afternoon waiting for her to come to him with some sort of explanation, which did not happen, he planned to confront her. He wanted to know details about the weekend's ordeal this morning, but she popped up with some sort of mystery doctor's appointment. Willie went into church although the administrative offices were closed. He needed to prepare himself for the next day's non-negotiable joint board meeting that maintained the church's checks and balances system and integrity of operations. He left Vanessa an I-need-you message in an attempt to lure her to the office as well since she had the preliminary figures from the anniversary for the budget report.
She arrived at church after lunch and had a nerve to complain that Willie was in his office working instead of the main study connected to her office. Her dress was casual and her disposition was reticent. She stood in the doorway as if she didn't plan to stay long.
“You know you are not on the network server. Whatever you work on down here will have to be recreated by Luella in the morning in order for her to print copies for the board tomorrow. That doesn't make sense,” she said.
“What doesn't make sense is why our best friends in ministry left the banquet like they were being run out of town,” Willie replied.
“It was a disagreement that escalated between Pat and me, okay? I'll call her this week and straighten it out,” Vanessa said dismissively. “That's not what we are here for right now. Unless you or I have a hard copy of the last agenda, then it's on Luella's computer. There was quite a bit of old business we didn't get a chance to discuss. We will never get anything accomplished if we keep tabling things to the next meeting.”
“Just like these disagreements, these rifts you keep getting into with everyone around you including me. When do these things ever get discussed? I don't know what's going on with you lately, Vanessa. You're up, you're down, one minute you're reclusive, the next you're throwing tantrums. What's going on? Let's clear the air.”
Willie watched her look down while brushing wisps of hair back toward her bun. He could tell she was thinking. Hopefully of a way to relay the truth, Willie thought.
“We can talk about this later, when we get home,” she finally said.
“Let's talk about it now, Vanessa,” Willie demanded. “'Cause it is slowly driving a wedge between us and the people around us. We are alone, in the House of God, with nothing but space and opportunity to straighten it all out. Heck, we've even got an altar.”
He met her on the other side of the desk and sat with her in the chairs there. She brought her purse down in her lap and had a hard time positioning it so it wouldn't fall. She pulled out a yellow booklet with a woman's silhouette on the cover and handed it to him. The cover read, “Welcome to Motherhood, Your Pregnancy Guide,” But it might as well have been written in hieroglyphics because he couldn't immediately interpret its meaning. Every female that he had been in contact with for the past two weeks flashed through his mind before he finally got it.
“Sweetheart, are you . . .?” He noticed her head nod before he could get it out. “Are we?”
Willie stood and resisted the urge to pull her to him in a crushing bear hug. He realized what everything had been about and vowed then to take care when handling her, when touching her, even when talking to her. Now he realized that while everyone was being impatient with her, including himself, she was crafting the blueprint God designed for both their lives.
“God be praised.” He stood, giving God praise. His spirit got carried away, “Woo,” he yelled out in disbelief at God's favor toward them.
Willie realized Vanessa was not standing, nor did he hear her voice lifted up in praise. She was still sitting in the same position. A pained expression covered her face. He kneeled before her. “Is everything, okay? You went to the doctor this morning, right? I mean, could they tell if the baby is all right?”
Vanessa was back to nodding, chasing some of his dread away, but she was so overcome with emotion he couldn't read her.
“What is it, baby?”
“I can't do this,” came a low hollow voice he did not recognize.
Willie pushed off of one knee to his chair. “You can't?” He wished she would just tell him what was wrong. What would prevent her from bearing their child?
“It's not so much that I can't do it, but rather I never thought I could. I'd see pregnant women or other women with their children and think I couldn't do the whole birthing and nurturing and mothering thing.” Her eyes pleaded for him to hear her outâto understand. “I know it is a subtle difference that doesn't mean much to you, but I have to carry this baby at forty-three years of age. I have to breast feed or bottle feed the baby when I should be preaching. I've got to wipe the child's nose and tail when I should be leading this church, not to mention the Trinity Conference. You know how much that means to me.”
“You're being silly,” Willie reasoned.
“Oh yeah, Willie Green, you may have scored the goal, but I have to be the mother. And don't think I won't be judged as old as I am. I will be left cleaning up the stands and fields while you are treated like the MVP, receiving repeated pats on the back.”
Willie was hurt, as if he had gone to hug her and got stabbed instead. “Is that really how you feel?”
“You wished this on me,” Vanessa continued, ignoring him. “I distinctly remember having a conversation not too long ago about your mother wanting me to produce a grandchild. Like she will be willing to babysit from a nursing home. I guess the prayers of the righteous do avail much, huh Willie? I told you then that I was not cut out for this.”
Willie sat back as if to really look at her. Where was all this coming from? “Wow, you sure do know how to take all the beauty out of this situation.” He got up and stepped back a few feet to see if he ever really knew who she was. “Now I see. This is why you've been moping around. How long have you known you were pregnant?”
“Dr. Sanchez confirmed it last Thursday. I went to a new doctor today who's both a gynecologist and obstetrician. I'm nearing twenty weeks,” she sighed. “I guess subconsciously I've always known.”
Give her the benefit of the doubt, let her rest, let her gather herself
, Willie thought, but he wasn't listening to himself either. “And everyone else knew except me? Keisha? Pat? Ben?” Willie questioned, “everyone except the father.”
, Willie thought, but he wasn't listening to himself either. “And everyone else knew except me? Keisha? Pat? Ben?” Willie questioned, “everyone except the father.”
“No,” Vanessa was bound to the chair, and she craned her neck to follow Willie who was pacing now around the office. “Only Pat knew. That's why they left early, because she knew how I felt and thought I should tell you.”
Willie stopped pacing and kept silent, remembering what he said earlier about treating Vanessa gingerly. She was visibly upset. He wondered how much of that stress was affecting the baby. He thought also how easily blessings can turn into curses and decided to change gears.
“Let's both just calm down. This is supposed to be a joyous time in our lives, and no devil in hell is going to take that away. I'm just sorry I've missed over half the pregnancy. I could have been there to hold your hand,” Willie said, talking to the back of her head now.
“Yeah, well you were out on the street playing detective and reporter,” she said.
Willie walked around the front of his desk so she could see his face. “C'mon, Vanessa, don't even blame this on the
Inside 7
reports. You were keeping secrets. You knew where I was.”
Inside 7
reports. You were keeping secrets. You knew where I was.”
“After the fact,” Vanessa added.
The telephone rang up the hall, causing the light on his extension to blink. They both shifted to find their cell phones, realizing if it were an emergency with one of their members, that one of their personal phones would be going off next. They waited and regrouped.
His cell phone buzzed instead of rang because it was set on vibrate. He was tempted to ignore it, but knew few people had that number and it could be important. He flipped the phone over and recognized Alexis's number. They had just seen her in church the day before, and he wondered what she could be calling about now.
Willie answered the phone under the watchful eye of his wife and could not help but react to what Alexis was telling him. Roy had apparently been picked up by the police with a few others for drug possession, and the police were trying to tack on a distribution charge. She was waiting to see if they posted a bail for his release until his arraignment. Willie couldn't believe the timing and asked Alexis to call him back when she had more details.
He looked at his wife across the desk from him, which brought him back to reality.
“Another crisis,” she declared as if she had been on the phone. “Go ahead, go.”
After a few minutes of stalemate, Willie said, “Forget that for right now, forget the report. I think we should go into the sanctuary and pray.”
“Don't you think that is counterproductive if we are praying for different things?” Vanessa's words sounded like pure venom to him.
Willie turned in his executive style chair and shut down his computer. He picked up his cell phone and shoved it hard into its belt holster. He walked around his desk and the set of chairs Vanessa sat in.
“I'm leaving before I say something guaranteed to upset you,” he said once he reached the door.
“Yeah, right, and you want me to believe it has nothing to do with the phone call you just received.”
Willie thought about what she just said. Sure, he was concerned about Roy, and would help to raise the money to pay his bail, but his family was more important right now. They both needed space and a clear perspective. He couldn't sit there and let her gut him out anymore with her words without a few of his own.
“You know what, Vanessa? This isn't about anyone else. It's about us. You are talking as if you don't want to bring our baby into the world, which right now sounds the same as you don't want to be married to me. You decide,” Willie said, leaving her with her own puncture wound.
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