Songs of Love and War (49 page)

Slowly she found herself walking towards the wall. Jack’s face materialized in her mind and she felt her legs go weak beneath her. She could almost
feel
him. The memory was so
strong she could smell the scent of his skin and taste his kiss. Dizzy with the sudden assault from the past she bent down and traced her fingers over the stone that concealed the hole where they
had kept their secret messages. Slowly she removed it. When she saw the little square paper inside, her heart gave a greater lurch. Confused, she pulled it out and unfolded it.

Kitty slumped onto the wet grass, put her head in her hands, and wept.

Driven by an uncontrollable rage Kitty marched over the long grasses to the tree where she had tied her horse. She stuffed the cannabis into her jacket pocket with Jack’s
note and mounted. The sky had darkened above her as heavy clouds rolled in, carrying in their bellies the promise of rain. There was a sharp edge to the wind and it grazed her skin as she galloped
over the hills to Ballinakelly.

She was furious with Grace for having told Jack not to contact her and she was furious with Jack for having listened to her. She put her head down and spurred the horse on. If Jack was in
Ballinakelly she’d find him. Once she had found him she didn’t know what she was going to do.

The town was just as she had left it. The houses looked grey in the dim light of mid-afternoon, the road glistened with rain and the sea reflected the dreary colour of the leaden skies above it.
Kitty trotted through the mud, digging her chin into her chest, not wanting to see anyone she knew. Her heart thumped with anticipation of bumping into Michael Doyle even though her head told her
she had no reason to fear him now.

When she reached the O’Leary house, she dismounted and knocked heavily on the door. A moment later it opened a crack and the small, suspicious face of Jack’s mother peered through.
‘What is it you want?’ she asked when she saw Kitty.

‘I’m after Jack. Is he here?’

‘A problem with your horse, is there?’ she said and Kitty chose to ignore the sarcasm in her voice.

‘I need to see him urgently. Where might I find him?’

‘He was called to John Whiting’s farm outside Bandon.’

Kitty’s heart sank. There was no point riding all the way to Bandon. ‘Tell him I came by,’ she said.

‘You might as well know that he doesn’t live here any more. Jack has his own place now, as he should.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know.’

‘Well, good day to you, Miss Deverill.’

‘It’s Mrs Trench, actually,’ said Kitty haughtily. She mounted her horse and trotted off, leaving Mrs O’Leary full of questions she was too proud to ask.

Kitty rode slowly up to the Fairy Ring. Leaning against one of the massive boulders she closed her eyes. She wished she could turn back the clock, open her eyes and find herself sixteen again,
before she had got involved in the war, before she had got too close to Michael Doyle, before everything had gone so horribly wrong. She was transported back to those times she had met Jack here,
in this mystical place where stones came alive at sunset and nature spirits played in summertime. She longed to recapture that time of innocence and optimism, when she had believed love to be
uncomplicated. When she had believed she and Jack had a future.

As she gazed upon the ocean she sensed she was no longer alone. She turned her head to see Jack. He had left his horse with hers and was standing outside the stone circle, watching her. Her
breath caught in her throat and all the anger she had felt towards him welled up once again. He stepped towards her. But Kitty didn’t notice the toll that prison had taken on his youth or the
downward turn to his mouth which had come from regret and bitterness. All she saw was the man she loved who had forsaken her.

‘Why did you wait until
after
I was married to tell me that you’re free?’ she exclaimed, marching towards him. ‘Why didn’t you write to me? Why didn’t
you come for me? I waited for you, Jack. I pined for you. I didn’t give up even when you told me to, because I didn’t want anyone else but you. I would have waited until old age for
you.’

‘But you didn’t,’ he said.

Kitty’s anger boiled over. ‘You’re accusing me of not waiting for you? Christ, Jack, what do you want from me!’ She dropped her hands in defeat. ‘I have a
child.’

‘I know,’ he said softly. ‘Grace told me.’

‘Then she should have told you that I had to give him a father. I had to put my own wishes aside for
him.
You had robbed me of all hope so I married Robert Trench who was always
kind to me and he is a wonderful father to Jack.’ At the mention of the child’s name they both stared at each other. Kitty gasped as if scalded.

‘Jack?’ he repeated.

Kitty nodded. ‘I named him after you.’

‘Oh Kitty.’ He came closer and Kitty flinched at the wounded expression in his eyes. ‘Do you love Robert Trench?’ he asked, looking down at her, his face full of
hope.

‘No, I don’t.’ She wanted to explain that she was fond of Robert. That she respected him and that she was grateful to him, but something stopped her.

‘Don’t be angry, Kitty. I thought I was doing the best thing for you but I did the worst thing for both of us. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.’

‘But you left this note!’ She fumbled in her pocket because he was so close now that she had to avert her eyes. He took her hand and pulled it out of her jacket. The feeling of his
warm skin weakened her resolve. She met his gaze and her fury dissipated.

‘I left the note because I had to tell you I love you.’ ‘You knew I’d come back and that I’d be married.’ ‘I honestly thought you’d never read it.
I thought the days of secret notes and meetings were over. I thought you’d left Ireland and everything in it.’ His voice cracked and his lips trembled and Kitty’s heart buckled as
she realized that everything she adored about Ireland was embodied in this man she had always loved.

‘Oh Jack,’ she groaned. ‘What have we done?’ When he pulled her into his embrace she fell against him willingly. The rain began to fall and the wind swept in off the sea
in blustery gusts but Kitty and Jack held each other so close that nothing could come between them. Their kiss peeled back the years and in that moment they were young again, undamaged by war,
untainted by brutality, unwithered by time.

When Kitty finally returned to Dunderry Castle, Robert and Peter were celebrating their successful meeting with Lord Deverill at the Hunting Lodge. ‘He’s allowed us
to take it on as tenants,’ said Robert joyfully, not noticing the pallor in his wife’s cheeks.

‘The man’s like a lion without his teeth,’ said Peter. ‘It was easier than I had anticipated.’

‘Kitty is his daughter, regardless of their differences, and Castle Deverill is her home. It’s her right to live there,’ said Robert.

‘Goodness, you’re wet through,’ said Elspeth, walking into the room. ‘You must go and have a bath immediately or you’ll catch your death of cold. I’ll ask
O’Malley to bring up hot water,’ she said, taking Kitty by the hand and leading her out into the freezing hall. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked, as they made their way up the
stairs.

‘I saw Grandma,’ Kitty replied flatly. ‘She’s lost her mind.’

‘I was afraid of this. Seeing her like that must be very distressing for you. I know how close you are. What’s that you’ve got in your pocket?’ she asked, looking down at
the green leaves spilling out of it.

Kitty grinned wearily. ‘Cannabis.’

‘Oh Kitty, you didn’t!’

‘Yes, I did. Grandma asked for some, but I never got to give it to her as I had to come back. I thought perhaps it would calm
my
nerves.’

‘All you need is a hot bath and a good night’s sleep and you’ll feel as right as rain.’ Kitty followed her upstairs, knowing that her sister would never understand the
turmoil in her heart. How could she?

That night, Kitty crept into Robert’s bedroom. The light was off and he appeared to be sleeping. She slipped out of her dressing gown and let it fall to the carpet. He
heard the creaking of the floorboards as she stepped towards the bed and rolled over. ‘Kitty? Is that you?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘It’s cold.’

‘Then you’d better come and snuggle up,’ he said, pulling back the blankets.

She slipped beneath them and edged into his arms. ‘I want to be your wife in body as well as in my soul,’ she said, tracing her hand up his chest.

Robert pulled her against him. ‘My darling Kitty!’ He found her lips and kissed her tenderly. Kitty closed her eyes and wound her arms around his body. She needed him now more than
ever. Jack was free and he still loved her. She couldn’t trust herself with that knowledge, nor with the spark in the deepest corner of her heart that still smouldered for him. She had to
give herself to Robert. She had to feel she belonged to him. She had to commit to her marriage with such force of will that there was no danger of her losing her head and consequently losing the
security she had found for herself and little Jack. So she gave herself to her husband and hoped that, by this act, so distasteful to her now, she might conceive a child that would tie her
irrevocably to Robert.

The following day Peter drove them all to Rupert’s pretty white house that was built on the cliffs overlooking the sea. Robert had sent word to London for the rest of the servants to join
them with what remained of their belongings and his car. With the help of O’Malley, Elspeth’s maid and Robert’s valet Bridgeman, they set about lifting the dust sheets off the
furniture and opening the windows to circulate the fresh air. No one had set foot in there since Rupert had been killed in the war so everything was just as he had left it. Kitty was grateful for
the distraction. She threw herself into the activity with vigour in order to keep her mind from wandering into Ballinakelly or up to the Fairy Ring where she might find Jack. Robert, flushed with
happiness after the final consummation of their marriage, looked upon his wife with extra tenderness, ignorant of the turbulence that raged beneath the mask of her smile.

While labourers from Ballinakelly worked on the various leaks in the roof and repainted some of the rooms, Robert and Kitty stayed at Dunderry Castle. The rest of their household arrived. The
cook settled into the kitchen and began cleaning all the pots and pans and stocking the larder. Bridgeman unpacked the cases. Kitty’s maid polished the cupboards inside and out and hung up
all her clothes. The beds were aired and made up with fresh sheets. Turf was bought and fires lit to get rid of the damp. Rupert’s papers were boxed up and stored in the attic. His clothes
were shared between the two brothers-in-law because no one else wanted them.

Kitty knew it was unwise to see Jack. She had accepted that as a married woman meeting him in private again was not possible. However, she longed to see Grace. In spite of Grace telling Jack to
let her go, she missed the one friend she was able to confide in. As the days passed her anger towards her ally and co-conspirator was assuaged by the certainty that, whatever her reasons for
putting Jack off, Grace had acted out of affection for her. There was no doubt that Robert Trench was a more suitable husband for her in every way even though she didn’t love him like she
loved Jack.

As soon as she heard that Grace was back in Co. Cork, Kitty drove over to see her. Robert’s car was a menace to drive, but with determination she managed to navigate the
roads and avoided crashing into a shepherd driving his flock of sheep from one field to the next. Grace was delighted that Kitty had returned to Ballinakelly. ‘I’m glad your father has
allowed you to rent the White House. Your uncle Rupert was a man of great style and taste. I’m sure it’s full of treasures,’ she said.

‘My grandmother sits in the tower growing madder and madder. I couldn’t bear it. It broke my heart to see her like that.’

‘She’s in a very happy world,’ Grace reassured her. ‘It might not be our world, but it’s not making her unhappy.’

‘I don’t think she’ll live much longer,’ Kitty said, thinking of her grandfather and what he had said.

‘I’m afraid your father will not be displeased. Your grandmother has become quite a burden to him. He barely goes out because he’s looking after her.’

‘He’s not looking after her, Grace. She’s in the tower all on her own.’

‘But he’s there should she need him. He rarely hunts now and he doesn’t have many friends. He used to be the most popular man in West Cork. He’s half the man he used to
be.’

‘I hear he’s drinking.’

Grace shook her head in frustration. ‘I’ve tried so many times to make him drink less, but it’s a demon that won’t let him go. Losing the castle was one thing,
discovering he had fathered an illegitimate child was quite another. The fact that you insisted on keeping the child just drove him further into the bottle, I’m afraid.’

‘Do you still see him?’

‘As often as I can. He needs some company or he’ll go mad too and start talking to himself like his mother does.’

Kitty drained her glass of sherry. ‘I saw Jack,’ she said. She met Grace’s eyes and held them steadily. ‘I understand why you told him not to tell me he was free, but I
wish you hadn’t interfered. I still love him.’

‘Of course you understand,’ said Grace, returning Kitty’s stare with equal boldness. ‘You’re much too clever not to know what’s good for you. In life we
don’t always get what we want. Often we have to put others before ourselves. You and I know all about self-sacrifice, Kitty.’