Sometimes Love Hurts (5 page)

Chapter Nine

A Love Story

Present Day - Crystal

“Mom, what a wonderful love story about grandma and grandpa,” Crystal said with a yawn, “but how is this supposed to help me?” 

“Patience, my dear,” Lisa replied.  “It’s getting late.  How about we get a good nights’ sleep, and we’ll continue in the morning.  Make sure Blake knows you’re spending the night so he doesn’t worry.” 

“You know, Blake and I had a beautiful love story too… at one time.” 

Lisa helped her daughter up from the couch.  They took their dishes into the kitchen and put them in the sink.  It was one in the morning, and Crystal looked at her phone before closing her eyes to sleep.  Yep, there was a text from Blake asking her what time she would be home.  She sent him a short text back:
Not tonight.
  Then she turned off her phone, closed her eyes, and tried to get comfortable so she could fall asleep, but tears quickly gathered in the back of her eyes.  How she missed the way he used to look at her and kiss her when he got home from work. 

What happened to make him so distant?
She wondered.

She thought of her mother’s story about her grandparents, and how happy they were so many years before.  Thinking about that was a comforting way to fall asleep.  As the sun rose, Crystal awoke and could smell coffee brewing in the kitchen.  She threw on her robe and descended the stairs.  When she walked into the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of her father.

“How’s my baby girl doing?” Her father, Joey, asked planting a kissed on her forehead. 

“We’re both doing great, dad!” Crystal giggled holding her tummy. 

She watched as her parents shared an embrace. She could feel the love between them.  After her father left, Crystal quickly looked at her phone to see if there was a text from Blake.  Nothing.  She was a little angry with herself.   She scrolled back to some of the old texts’ they had shared before… One from Blake:
I love you and will be home soon.
One from her:
I love you, dinner is ready and I can’t wait to see you.
She wanted to see a new text from him saying “I love you,” but then she had not written one to him either.

As Crystal and her mother enjoyed coffee and toast, her motherpulled out the journal
.

Chapter Ten

Being Pregnant

Natalie’s Journal

Lisa, you should have seen how we scraped and saved.  In a year and a half, we moved into our own home.  We were both so busy.  Your dad tiled the floor by the front door, and I planted flowers outside around the house.  We painted and wallpapered together, and it was great.  What better way to show our love for each other than to fix up our own home?  I never thought I could be so happy.  What a sense of accomplishment when you do something with your spouse that is so beautiful and meaningful to both of you.

Then the inevitable happened.  I felt sick one day, you know, like I had the flu.  I stayed in bed that day throwing up, unable to eat.  The following day, I felt better but still nauseous and tired.  This feeling lasted about a week, so I decided to call the doctor.  That was when I found out I was pregnant with you.  We were still so young.  I was twenty-one, and your father was twenty-three.  Of all the things we talked about, we never discussed children. I mean we said someday we wanted a boy and a girl, but we were just into each other and thought children were in the far future.   When I told your father I was pregnant, it took him by surprised. 

“I still feel sick,” I told him.

“You really need to eat something, sweetie,” he replied staring at my green face.

He decided to make me scrambled eggs.  I could hear the spatula in the pan as he swirled the eggs around, but it was the smell that got to me first.  He raised the pan and poured the eggs on the plate placing the plate in front of me, and I immediately ran to the bathroom!  Your father chased after me looking worried.

“You okay?” he asked holding me firmly about my waist.

There I was on the floor hugging the toilet not sure of what I should do.

“You need to see the doctor,” he insisted.

I took his advice and made an appointment for the following day.  After a few questions, a urine sample, and some blood tests the doctor gave me his diagnosis.  When I arrived back home, Michael had just finished making us dinner.  He kissed me gently on the lips and asked what the doctor had said.  I just blurted it out, “I’m pregnant.”  

He was quiet at first. He kept repeating over and over, “How can that be?  You were on the pill?”  

He was not mad or happy.  He was simply confused because children had not even been considered at that time. I started to cry. I could tell that he was bothered by my news.  Finally, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close.  Then, he pushed me back to look into my eyes.

“I guess we’re going to be parents!” He said with a grin, and we hugged again.

I was so relieved to hear that, and knew right then and there that we would be great parents.  From that point on, we simply took life as it came, and boy did it come fast!  We were busier than ever as we put all of our energy into creating a cute nursery room for you.  I wanted little teddy bears as the theme, and we found wallpaper with them on it.  In between them were tiny rattles.   We put the paper on one wall and painted the others yellow, green, and blue since we didn’t know if you would be a boy or a girl.

My parents held a baby shower for me, and I received all sorts of little buntings, T-shirts, and receiving blankets.  You have no idea how cute the little garments look when you’re pregnant.  I picked up one of the socks and wondered if anyone can have feet that small.  My in-laws bought me the sweetest white crib with a bedspread displaying teddy bears on it.  I found this big teddy bear and placed it in the corner of your crib, and your father brought home an adorable mobile with teddy bears on it that played, “It’s A Small World After All.”

I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of getting a big waistline and having to wear the larger clothes. However, the most thrilling part of being pregnant was hearing your heart beat for the first time. The second was feeling you kicking inside of me.  I remember the first time your father felt you kick.  You were just so active that day, and I could not get comfortable.  Your dad asked me why I could not sit still.  Finally, I put his hand on my stomach.  He watched and felt it move as you stretched inside of me.  He couldn’t believe that you were alive in there having a party as he put it.

Labor pains are not fun and delivering a baby definitely does hurt.  Don’t believe anyone who says differently!  Just remember that it’s only one day of pain, and the rest of your life will be joyful with your child.  Finally, you arrived and were very much loved.  It was hard for me to understand how your dad and I could make such a perfect little girl.  And I didn’t know how anyone could not believe in God with the miracle of life that we had created together.  When I held you for the first time, you looked straight at me as if saying, “Hi, I finally get to meet you mom.” Your tiny finger was wrapped around mine.  You would just nurse and fall asleep like you had always belonged here.  Your dad was ecstatic, and couldn’t help bragging about you at work.  To watch you hold your head up for the first time and then to see you sit up and eventually crawl, everything was so exciting for me.  So that was our new life with you.  Again, I never thought I could be happier than I was at that wonderful time with your dad and you.

I quit my job and was a stay-at-home mom.  It was a little harder financially, but we both agreed that we wanted to raise you, not a day care.  My days were filled with diapers, nursing, and taking you on walks in your buggy.  To hold your little body close to mine while you nursed was so rewarding, and I knew we were forming what would become a life-long connection with each other.  I used to watch the rhythm of your little chest move while you slept in your crib, which brought tears to my eyes.  To hear you say mama and dada was unbelievable.  You were so smart!  You walked by ten months old, and I had trouble keeping up with you.  Of course, your dad was also in love with you.  He couldn’t wait to see you when you got up in the morning. Sometimes, I gave you a bottle even when you didn’t really need it just so he could feed you instead of me. 

We had this big party for your first birthday, and naturally you don’t remember, but everyone was there - your grandpas and grandmas, relatives and neighbors.  I made a teddy bear cake, as well as a cupcake just for you.  We put your little finger into the icing and brought it to your lips.  It took you a couple of minutes to taste it, but when you did you picked up the cupcake and smashed it into your face.  I think that’s when you discovered you had a sweet tooth!

Lisa put the journal down, and went into her mother’s closet.  She wanted to find the photo album with the pictures of her first birthday party.  When she did, she reclined back on her mothers’ bed. However, her mother’s memories prompted her to look back to that time through pictures when everyone looked so happy.  She laughed aloud when she saw how funny she looked with all that icing on her face.  As she scanned the photos, she could see that her parents were very happy during the first year of her life.  There was one with her as a tiny baby sleeping in her mother’s arms.  There was another of her father smiling and kissing her on the cheek.  When she reached one with her dressed in a mouse costume, she knew it must have been her first Halloween.  She chuckled aloud at the little whiskers that her mom put on her face, and the big ears on her head.

There were pictures of her first Christmas with Grandpa Joe dressed as Santa Claus and holding her while she cried.  She could tell by the many photos that both sets of grandparents loved her dearly.  There were many where they held and kissed her.  All of them gave her a sense of peace. Flipping through the pages, she watched herself grow up in front of her parent’s eyes, if only her mom could have been sitting there with them to enjoy those memories.  Her eyes grew heavy and before she knew it, she opened up her eyes with the sun shining on her face. She had fallen asleep in such a good mood dreaming of herself as a baby with the picture album on the pillow next to her head, and the journal lying on the bed.  Smiling she sat up and began to read again.

Chapter Eleven

The Miscarriage

Natalie’s Journal

Your dad was still working the midnight shift. I took care of you during the day and slept at night without him, making it difficult for us to have intimate time together.  I suppose that’s how it is whenever a new baby is born, but wouldn’t you know it, by the time you were
two,
I was pregnant again.  Now, I know this is going to be hard for you because you were too small for me to tell you about anything at the time.  Please don’t be angry with me and try to understand as I attempt to explain.

When I told your father I was pregnant, I’m not sure that he was as happy as me.  Once I experienced motherhood, I didn’t want it to stop.  What I wanted more than anything in the world was to be a mother again.  I enjoyed taking care of you and I thought I had enough love inside of me for more, but to him I think it meant a larger financial burden on his shoulders. Don’t think for a minute that he thought you were a burden, because he loved you very much.  He just had trouble figuring out how to pay the bills with only one paycheck, and then there would be another mouth to feed.

That pregnancy started out like it did with you; I was sick at first and extremely tired.  I couldn’t wait to take naps with you.  I still hadn’t lost all the weight from having you so I think that’s why I started showing even faster than the first time, but I didn’t care.  I was so proud, and felt so lucky to be pregnant again.

One of the fun things you and I did was go to the Museum of Science and Industry to check out the prenatal development center, where there were human fetuses in various sizes of bottles.  We would return each month so I could see how much my baby had grown, which made me feel closer to my unborn child.  Of course you really didn’t care about all that.  You much preferred to walk through the giant heart on display and hear it beating.  Well, you know we liked the museum since we returned often until you were in high school.

I was in the beginning of my fifth month and felt a sharp pain one day above my uterus.  You and your father were in the living room watching television, and I was cleaning the dinner dishes.  The pain felt like a stabbing knife and quite literally took my breath away.  I figured it was just Braxton Hicks, contractions that don’t represent true labor, so I knelt down on the floor and took slow breaths until it went away.  I didn’t bother telling anyone because a lot of women get those false labor pains. While we were getting ready for bed that night, the unbearable pain returned.  I doubled over and your father heard me moan. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

I saw the worried look on his face, and I wanted to calm him down so I told him it was nothing.  However, the pain returned again and with blood that time.  Your father quickly sprang into action.  He called his parents to come and get you before he helped me into the car and drove me to the hospital.  By the time we arrived, I felt a lot better and they brought me to the delivery floor.  They decided to monitor me since I did have some bleeding.  They took my vitals and then told me that something was wrong.  My blood pressure was too high, which posed a danger for both the baby and me.  Next, they put a baby monitor on me, but they couldn’t hear a heartbeat.  My own heart missed a beat when I heard that.  I prayed over and over again that God would not let my baby die and before I knew it. I was being prepped for surgery.  I was told that I had to have an emergency C-section, but that your father would have to stay in the waiting room.  I could see the sadness on his face when he leaned down to kissed me goodbye.     

“It’ll be all right,” I assured.  “They’ll take good care of our baby and me.” 

Then everything started to move quickly as an IV was inserted in my arm.  I was rolled into the operating room and was lying on the table.  I could feel my belly being scrubbed to prepare me for the surgery.  At the same time, they were still trying to hear the baby’s heart, but with no success.      

“Oh God,” I prayed. “Please let my baby be all right.” 

An oxygen mask was placed over my face.  I tried to push it off, but the medical staff was stronger. All I remember after that was falling into pitch darkness.  I thought I was dying, and I remember apologizing to the baby for leaving him.  Yes you guessed it; you would have had a brother.  I guess I was knocked out, because what I remembered next was a woman slapping my face to wake me up.  Everything was a blur at first.  I saw this red bag of blood hanging over my head, and felt a pair of prongs in my nose. When I finally awoke, I yelled to anyone who would listen that I wanted to see my baby.  The nurse told me to calm down, but would not tell me what happened.  Eventually, another nurse entered the room with something wrapped up in a blue blanket.  This baby was so small, Lisa.  I probably could have held him in one hand and still have some room left over.  The nurse gently uncovered him and opened his legs to let me see that my baby was a boy.  Tears streamed down my face, Lisa.  All I could think of was whether God was punishing me?

While she read the pages, Lisa’s mind became muddled with so many questions. For the rest of the day, she was full of confusion.
I had a baby brother… but he died?  Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Oh sure, I was too young at the time but what about later in life?  Did my parents think I wouldn’t understand that it wasn’t their fault?

Lisa recalled the many trips to the museum over the years, and how much she really enjoyed that place.  She wondered if the fact that her mother could watch the baby growing inside of her caused her to love it so much.  Then she remembered the summer before her freshman year in high school.  Her mom had begged her to go to the museum with a promise that she wouldn’t make her go once she entered the high school doors.  Lisa had always enjoyed Colleen Moore’s Fairy Castle and taking rides in the coal mine, but there was something else. She recalled one time when her mother made a special trip to see the fetuses on the third floor in the glass jars.  She only walked up to one that was twenty-four weeks old.

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Lisa had asked. 

Her mom just stared at it holding a Kleenex to her eyes.  She made a little muffled cry before she blew her nose.  

“Nothing, sweetie,” she said.  “I think I am getting a cold.” 

But even as a child, Lisa could see that her mother was trembling.      

“Come on, mom.  We have so much more to see,” she said pulling her by the hand. 

That was the last time they ever went there.

How could I have known that there was this big secret and mom was revisiting something awful from her past?

Lisa needed time to digest what she had just learned.  She felt the best way to deal with something as shocking as that was to keep busy.  She pulled out the vacuum and headed to the carpet in the living room, followed by the family room, and then to do the wash downstairs.  When she realized that she was using work to keep things off her mind, it reminded her all the more of her mother.  Her mom always said that cleaning the house would comfort her, and let her mind rest.

Later that evening Joey called.  He wanted to come over, but Lisa had too much still rattling around in her brain and wasn’t sure that having company would be a good idea.  She did want to talk to him, but felt it would be easier to do so on the phone. Pity was the last thing she wanted to see in his eyes. She told him about the brother that she almost had, and speaking out loud about his death made her cry.  She had not even known him, yet she cried for him.  Lisa wasn’t sure if she should be mad at her mother for not telling her, but that seemed rather pointless, since her mom had died too.  Death was becoming the word she dreaded the most.

How can it be that you go through twenty years of life without experiencing death, and then in a matter of weeks everyone you love has gone?

Talking to Joey did make her feel better, and part of her almost wished she had asked  him to come over, but after having some hot soup and climbing into her bed with the afghan  that her mother had  made, she fell instantly asleep.  Morning came fast and for Lisa, it was a brand new day.  She felt refreshed and ready to focus again on the journal.