Something Real

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For Menendian, who taught me how to write

And for Zach, who always believed I could

Contents

Title page

Copyright Notice

Dedication

Epigraph

Baker’s Dozen Cast

Season 17, Episode 1 (The One with the Cameras)

Fireside Chats with Kaye Gibbons

Season 17, Episode 2 (The One with Bourbon and Cigarettes)

Season 17, Episode 3 (The One with the Retake)

Praise for
Recipe for a Happy, Healthy Family

Season 17, Episode 4 (The One Where I Ditch School)

Season 17, Episode 5 (The One with Uno)

Season 17, Episode 6 (The One with the Retro Sunglasses)

Season 17, Episode 7 (The One with Spearmint Gum)

Season 17, Episode 8 (The One with the Tell-All)

Season 17, Episode 9 (The One with the Zombie Apocalypse)

Baker’s Dozen: Season 13, Episode 2

Season 17, Episode 10 (The One with the Scones)

Season 17, Episode 11 (The One with the Photo Shoot)

Baker’s Dozen Promo Video

Season 17, Episode 12 (The One in the Janitor’s Closet)

Season 17, Episode 13 (The One with the Pepsi Freezes)

Meet the Baker’s Dozen!

Season 17, Episode 14 (The One with the Skittles)

Season 17, Episode 15 (The One That’s Live)

Baker’s Dozen: Season 10, Episode 9

Season 17, Episode 16 (The One at the Mall)

Associated Press Article

Season 17, Episode 17 (The One with the Movie)

Season 17, Episode 18 (The One with the Autograph)

Baker’s Dozen: Season 13, Episode 9

Season 17, Episode 19 (The One with the Enchiladas)

Season 17, Episode 20 (The One with the Notebook)

Season 17, Episode 21 (The One with the Tabloid)

Season 17, Episode 22 (The One with the Wrapping Paper)

Season 17, Episode 23 (The One with the Fort)

Season 17, Episode 24 (The One with the Diary)

Season 17, Episode 25 (The One with Kaye Gibbons)

Season 17, Episode 26 (The One with the Red Shirt)

Season 17, Episode 27 (The One with the Duct Tape)

Viewpoints with Eileen Smith KTOK AM 540

Season 17, Episode 28 (The One with the Lawyer)

Season 17, Episode 29 (The One with the Boutonnieres)

Season 18, Episode 1 (The One with the Beach Balls)

Season 18, Episode 2 (The One with the Suitcases)

Celeb.com Article

Season 18, Episode 3 (The One with the Letters)

Season 18, Episode 4 (The One with the Cap and Gown)

Acknowledgments

Author bio

Copyright

All happy families are alike;

each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

—Leo Tolstoy

You reel me out and then you cut the string.

—Radiohead

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this memoir do not necessarily reflect those of the MetaReel Entertainment Corporation,
Baker’s Dozen
,
Baker’s Dozen: Fresh Batch,
or the Baker-Miller family. Bonnie™ Baker is a registered trademark. Any misuse is a violation of applicable laws.

www.metareel.com/bakersdozen/cast

Click on a name below to find out more about each member of the Baker family! Don’t forget to check out the Baker blog
here
.

THE PARENTS:

THE KIDS:

Click
here
for more information about former cast member
Andrew Baker
(seasons 1–13).

SEASON 17, EPISODE 1

(The One with the Cameras)

It took me four years, seven shrinks, three different hair colors, one Zen meditation retreat, and over six hundred mochas to get to this moment.

I step up to the blue velvet backdrop and face the camera. When the photographer isn’t paying attention, I wipe the back of my hand over my damp forehead, then clutch my fingers behind my back, like I’m a two-year-old with a secret. I shouldn’t have worn the sweater-shirt. The wool is itchy, and I’m about two seconds away from breaking out in hives. God, why won’t he just take the damn picture? It’s not like this is
Seventeen
. The last time they shot me, we’d spent four hours on my hair and makeup and another three in front of the camera. This is nothing compared to that, but it feels so much worse.

I want to bolt so bad, and this guy’s taking forever, longer than he took for anyone who was in line ahead of me. But I have to stick it out. I’ve been psyching myself up for this all summer. A senior photo is an important pastime for a normal girl. And I’m a normal girl.

Finally.

I can do this.
Breathe.
It’s not even a
camera
camera … it’s just a photo. One photo. That’s it. And the name that will be underneath it in the yearbook? Totally unremarkable. Nothing
Us Weekly
would care about. Chloe Baker’s a nobody.

The scruffy photographer crouches down behind the camera, like a sniper looking through a scope. The panic that had started out as a slight queasiness in my stomach is pushing past my ribs, pressing against my lungs.

The sweater itching. Sweat on my forehead. Nails digging into my skin.
Keep it together. Just a few more seconds.