Something More (18 page)

I shrugged. “Eh. Could be worse.”

“That’s the spirit,” Noah said. “Plus, I pay well.” He waggled his eyebrows and turned toward the mixer.

I laughed and looked at Jonathan. “Shall we?”

It was a gift to see Noah so deep in his element while he baked. He was patient with us as we measured ingredients, rolled the crust, and sliced fruit. He didn’t even complain when I stole a few bites and fed him some. He did, however, manage to make eating a piece of fruit the dirtiest thing I’d seen in a while. Well, in public, anyway.

“Tease,” I mumbled.

The three of us worked together, and in no time, our dessert was finished. The real work began then, and Jay was right, there was some toilet cleaning involved. I insisted that Noah should have to do it, since he was the one dirtying it up—along with his employees—and he finally relented. Jonathan and I went to the office and filed paperwork and dealt with some of the office stuff. It was quiet and peaceful, and we got so much more accomplished than I thought we would, since I had no idea how to do anything when we began.
 

Noah came in and sat with us, helping when he could, but it was really a job for only one or two people. When we finished, it was well past lunchtime and almost dinnertime.
 

“Ready for food?” Noah asked us.

“Mhm,” I hummed. “Starving.”

Jay nodded and took my hand in his as we got up to leave. Noah took my other hand, and I smiled at the moment of freedom out in public as we walked to a sandwich shop next door.
 

“Hey, Noah!” the man behind the counter greeted. “What’re you doing here on a Sunday?”

“Catching up,” Noah said, groaning. “How’re you, Tom?”

They clasped hands across the counter. The sandwich dude moved to a sink to wash his hands and put gloves on as he made small talk with Noah.

“The usual, boys?” Tom asked. They both nodded, and he turned to me. “And what will the lady have?”

I’d spent the last few minutes studying the menu and ordered quickly. We sat and ate our meal, which we decided was linner—not quite lunch, not quite dinner. It was interesting to see the way our behavior changed in certain situations, and I felt like I was still learning the rules. In the sandwich shop, no one held back affection, not even when Tom was clearly trying to sort out what was going on. We behaved more discreetly at the places where we usually went to for dinner, but we still touched and kissed, just not quite as much or as openly.
 

When we were done eating, we grabbed our tart and locked up the back of the bakery again, then drove home. After we shared dessert, I packed up my bag and pouted at having to leave them again. They both kept reminding me I didn’t have to leave, but it simply wasn’t practical to move in with them. Yet. What if it all blew up and I had nowhere to go? What if Gladys unexpectedly came to visit again? Hell, what if she was expected? What would we say, and how would they explain my being there, and clearly not in the guest room?
 

Even Jonathan didn’t have an answer, so I took that as another confirmation that we weren’t there yet. Too many issues still needed working out.
 

After a not-so-quick kiss and hug goodbye, I left them standing in the doorway. I knew I’d be back Wednesday, but that didn’t stop the tears from falling as I drove home. I was grateful for my giant tub when I got to my apartment, and I ran a hot bath. When I climbed in, my phone chirped from the counter, so I leaned as far as I could but still couldn’t reach it. It was Noah’s text tone, so I wanted to see what he’d said. I almost killed myself, and then almost dropped the phone in the tub, but finally, I was back under the hot water and looking at what he’d said.
 

Miss you.

I had no idea that two words could break my heart even more, but I turned the phone off without replying and set it back on the counter. I slipped beneath the bubbles, the water almost up to my chin, and heaved sobs as I let out all of the frustration, sadness, hurt, and anger about the extended weekend. I climbed out when the water was cold and I had no tears left, then sent Noah a reply to let him know I missed him, too. I missed both of them.
 

I didn’t miss Gladys.

❦

When I woke up on Monday morning, my eyes were crusty and swollen: completely disgusting. I let the heat and steam of the shower wash it all away—the physical and emotional residue from the night before. I felt better after I cleaned up and had time to think. I still needed to talk to them about the whole baby thing, but I decided that would wait until Wednesday. It wasn’t really the kind of thing I was comfortable bringing up via email.
 

I dragged myself through the day, texting them when I could. I was glad when the sun set and it was time to go home; my brain had become a tangled web of legal jargon and lawsuit details.
 

By the time Wednesday rolled around, I needed my men fiercely. I even hesitated to bring up any stressful topics during our time because I just needed their company and comfort so much. But I knew the longer I delayed, the harder it might be to hear and accept their answer. What if they really did only decide to include me in their lives so I could have a child for them?

I doubted that was the case, but it still sank in my mind and heart like a lead weight.

I sat in my car for an extra few minutes after I’d parked, contemplating exactly how to bring it up. I didn’t want to spoil the whole night—what if they were upset that I’d questioned them? There was no easy way to handle it.

Sighing, I got out of the car and knocked on the door. All of my questioning led to me feeling like an outsider again, and I was uncomfortable walking in. When Noah answered, he rolled his eyes and shook his head, motioning me inside.
 

“Hello, gorgeous.”

He wrapped his strong arms around me, and although I tried not to, I could feel the lump forming in my throat and the tears welling behind my eyelids.
 

What if this was our last great greeting?

What if this was the last time he called me gorgeous?

I closed my eyes, reminding myself that the truth, even though it might hurt, was better than a long-term lie or self-delusion.
 

Noah pulled away from me, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Where’s Jay?” I asked quietly.

“He’s in the kitchen looking through the Crate & Barrel catalog for a bigger guest bed.”

A barking laugh shot out of my mouth. Of course he was buying a new bed.

“I just…” I took Noah’s hand and walked to the kitchen. “I need to ask you guys something.”

“Hey,” Jonathan said, looking up at me. “You’re not okay; I won’t even ask. What’s going on?”

He stood and pulled me into his body. I sniffed him like a crazy girl, inhaling everything that was Jonathan and memorizing it. Noah pulled us into the living room, and we fell onto the couch. I didn’t know how they always seemed to put me at ease, but I was thankful for it, however they managed it.

“I don’t know how to ask this without upsetting you,” I confessed.
 

“Just ask. I promise we’ll try our best not to get angry. You can ask us anything, Liv,” Noah said. “You should know that by now.”

“When Gladys was here, she mentioned something about you guys adopting. She made it sound like it had been so certain, and then you just stopped trying?”

“Yeah. Well, I mean, she doesn’t know the details of why we stopped, obviously,” Jay said.
 

“That’s just it,” I said. “Why did you stop trying?”

They exchanged a look, so many unspoken words passing between them. When Noah started to laugh, I got worried.
 

“Wait, are you seriously thinking we stopped trying because we finally hooked up with you?” he asked.

“No. I mean, I don’t want to imply anything, I just… I want to understand. The timing was perfect for my insecurities to go into overdrive.”

Jay’s voice was quiet and sad when he finally chimed in. “We stopped trying because we were exhausted, overworked, and forgetting to love each other. We didn’t tell my mom because, first of all, it’s none of her business. Secondly, she just doesn’t get it. She thinks we can show up with a check and get a baby. Maybe we could do that through some places, but we also wanted a closed adoption of a baby from somewhere in the States.

“We were very picky,” he said. “Probably because it wasn’t really what either one of us wanted.”

“Remember when I told you we’d talked about you being a part of our lives for a long time?” Noah asked. I nodded. “I was serious. I think some part of us wanted to wait for you. It didn’t feel right to start our family just yet.”

Well, shit. I had no idea how to respond to that.
 

“I don’t even know how that would work,” I said.

Noah’s laugh was loud and warm. “I’m pretty sure you know how babies are made. If not, I’d be glad to remind you…”

He covered my body, tilting me back onto Jay, and I was sandwiched between them, laughing and smiling.

“No, you dork. I mean… Ugh, never mind.”

“We have plenty of time to figure out how it would work for us,” Noah said. “Remember? There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. It’s what we want, how we want it.”

He sat up, pulling me with him, and I helped Jonathan up.
 

“Is that something you even want?” Jay asked, sounding more nervous than I’d ever heard him.

“Sure.”

The truth was, I hadn’t really given it much thought. I was okay with my life alone, although I sometimes wanted more. I’d decided long ago to be happy with what I had in case nothing else ever happened.
 

“Yeah?” Noah asked, one of his hands slipping beneath my blouse where it had become untucked.
 

“Right now? Hell no. But we can practice,” I said, giggling.

In the quiet of the living room, we slowly removed each other’s clothes. Noah stayed where he was in front of me, and Jonathan shifted from behind me to my side.
 

Noah laughed, pushing my hair off my shoulders. “You have so much hair.”
 

“I like it,” Jay said, kissing the spot on my neck Noah had left bare.

“I like it too, it’s just different.” Noah attacked the same spot on the opposite side as Jay. “Bedroom.”

On the bed, we lay together and touched with lips and hands until none of us could stand it anymore. Jay pulled me down on top of him, and Noah disappeared briefly. The way my body slid with Jay’s, having learned what we liked when we were together, was magic. I shifted my hips, sliding my clit along his hard cock. Our mouths collided as his hands pulled at my hips, seeking more.
 

Noah returned, his slick fingers exploring both of my openings. I pushed back against him on each slide down Jay’s flesh. His fingers never left me, just thrust deeper and withdrew at the maddening pace we’d set. It only took a few minutes of that before Noah was lining himself up and pushing carefully into my ass. Though I was still slightly embarrassed about being so exposed and seeking such hedonistic pleasure with them, everything fell away when Jonathan pushed into me.

There weren’t any words shared, just the sounds of us taking and giving as we moved together to bring each other pleasure. Someone’s hands were touching my breasts, plucking at my nipples, as someone else was rolling their fingers over my clit. The same intensity from the first time they’d both been inside of me at the same time was there, and it didn’t take long before I was coming so, so hard again, along with the boys.

When we were cleaned up and in bed, our arms wrapped around each other as if by instinct. It was the first time we’d spent a Wednesday night indulging in each other instead of food and conversation. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I needed them, needed to be reassured that I was a person, a lover, a friend—part of the relationship happening, not just a baby factory.
 

After that night, I knew they loved me the same ways I loved them, and the thought scared and excited me. Suddenly, it felt like every possibility had actually opened up to us.
 

Several weeks after that, we’d fallen into a routine. Not a boring routine, mind you, we just found our zone with each other. It was comfortable and easy and perfect. I still worried what might happen in the long run, but I tried to channel my worry into productive things, and I asked more questions than I had before. Talking about my fears not only helped me to figure out what was going on in my head, but in theirs too.

Imagine that—open communication helped.

Gladys was coming back for Christmas, but not until after the firm’s party. Noah’s parents were also going to be in town, which made it completely impractical for me to stay the night at their house. I was sad about it, even though I understood.
 

The Friday before the Christmas party, I needed to go shopping for some accessories, so we all met up at the mall. It was amusing to shop with them, but I loved it. They were so different in their personal styles and what they liked. Every time I found something to buy at the lingerie store that Noah liked, Jay would be meh about it and vice versa. I ended up buying what I should have picked in the first place—things I felt comfortable and sexy in.
 

My own firm was also having a Christmas party, but I didn’t want to risk my job or go alone, so I declined the invitation. Sure, it might have hurt my chances to make partner if I didn’t go and schmooze, but I decided that was a risk I was willing to take. Jonathan and I knew all the HR people at his firm, and he was more established. It made me happy, proud, and nervous all at the same time. It would be the first really important coming out of
us
.

So the night before the party, I put on one of my new purchases and the three of us stayed up until almost dawn, indulging in each other. In a way, it was stress relief. There was a certain palpable anxiety between us about what might happen and how the party would go. Noah seemed the least nervous, knowing Jay could find another job easily, and I think I was the most nervous.