Something Like Summer (41 page)

Nobody moved.

“
I called the
cops.”

People began to
stir.

“
And they are bringing
drug dogs.”

That did it. The party
goers fled, and within minutes, everyone was gone except Ryan, who
was beginning to tremble with anger again.

“
I’ll kill myself,” he
said. “I swear to God I will.”

Ben opened his mouth to
retort, but it was Tim who spoke.

“
No, you won’t, Ryan. I
know you won’t, because you’re too much of a coward. You’ve been
running away since the day I met you, away from your family’s
disapproval, away from the one person who loves you, but most of
all you’ve been trying to escape from yourself. I was once that
cowardly, and you still are.”

“
I overdosed!” Ryan
reminded him.

“
And I was there holding
your hand in the hospital as they pumped your stomach. When I told
you that you almost died, you cried. I thought there was still hope
for you then, but I’ve seen you almost overdose every night since.
I don’t know how to fix you, Ryan, I wish I did, but it’s not going
to be my money that helps destroy you. Not anymore.”

Ryan tried to argue
further, but Tim wouldn’t have it. Ben stepped back and let him
deal with everything as Ryan unwillingly packed his bags. Tim
called a taxi to take him home, and Ryan began to beg, but Tim
stood strong. Only after the taxi turned down the street did Tim’s
shoulders slump.

“
You okay?”

“
Yeah,” Tim answered,
throwing his full weight into a hug that almost knocked Ben off his
feet. “You always know how to make things right,” he murmured into
Ben’s neck. “I’m a mess without you.”

“
I’m awesome, I know,” Ben
said, detangling himself. “I’m also in trouble. Jace is going to
give me hell when he finds out I kissed you, no matter what the
reason. You
are
going to make all my suffering worth it by never seeing Ryan
again, aren’t you?”

Tim nodded. “Since you’re
going to be in trouble anyway--”

He stepped close, but Ben
pushed him away and they both began laughing. Face lit up with a
smile, Tim looked more like his old self again.

* * * * *

What should have followed,
Ben felt, was a long-lasting relationship that finally allowed them
to be friends. This utopia did exist for a brief moment. They saw
each other regularly, Jace often joining them, and things were
simple. But then the feelings between them began to stir. They both
felt it. Sometimes their gazes locked for too long; other times
they found excuses to be closer to each other than necessary. Hugs
became too intimate, Ben breathing in his scent or Tim rubbing his
nose lovingly against his neck.

The decision was hard to
make, but it had to be done. Ben showed up at his door in the
middle of the night. Tim was sitting on the front steps, as if he
had been expecting him.

“
You’re either here to do
something that you really shouldn’t,” Tim said, “or you came to say
good-bye.”

“
I’m sorry,” Ben said. “I
wish we could just be friends.”

“
No, you don’t.” Tim
smiled sadly. “That’s the problem, isn’t it?”

“
Yeah.” Ben wanted to
reach out to him, to hug him at least, but he didn’t even trust
himself to do that anymore.

Tim took a deep breath.
“You think we would have made it? Say we never had the cops chasing
us that night, that we kept on going. Do you think we’d still be
together today?”

Ben thought about it, but
it was hard to imagine his life without Jace anymore and impossible
to transpose Tim into all the memories he and Jace had made
together. But for a moment, he could picture more nights of
sneaking into Tim’s bedroom, the relief they would have felt when
they moved away to college, and how those liberal years would have
finally allowed them to be everything that he had once dreamt
of.

Ben swallowed. “I have to
go.”

“
I don’t know what I’ll do
without you, Benjamin. I don’t have anything left.”

“
You do too.”

“
Did I tell you that I
came out to my parents?”

“
No.” The lump wouldn’t
leave Ben’s throat. Little by little, Tim had always tried to
please him.

“
Yeah. They weren’t
thrilled. If they were distant before--” Tim shook his
head.

“
They’ll get over it,” Ben
said. “And if they don’t, then they can fuck
themselves.”

Tim smiled.

“
Don’t go back to Ryan.
You don’t need him. Or me. Or anyone else for that
matter.”

“
I’ve always needed you,”
Tim disagreed.

“
You might want us, but
you don’t need us. You said I bring out the best in you, but all
those wonderful things were already there, even before I came
along. Live for yourself, Tim. Decorate the house with your
paintings. Don’t hide them away. Don’t hide yourself away, either.
There’s a whole world out there waiting to see you. The real you.
You’re so beautiful, and I don’t just mean your face or your
body.”

“
Don’t go,” Tim
pleaded.

Ben could only shake his
head. If he said any more it would be too late for both of them. He
turned and walked slowly to his car, grateful for and despairing
every second that passed without Tim trying to stop him. Ben opened
his car door and looked back to where Tim stood.

“
Until next time?” Ben
said.

Tim laughed. “Until next
time.”

__________

Chapter 27

Jace padded into the
kitchen, naked except for a pair of flannel boxers. He poured his
ritual cup of coffee and walked to the bay windows as he had every
morning since they bought their new house. Ben admired his body,
affection welling up as he eyed Jace’s bed-head—hair sticking up in
every direction. Four years of dating and two years of marriage,
and Ben found him just as attractive as on that first date. He
didn’t think that would ever fade, no matter how many decades went
by.

Jace turned to him with a
knowing expression. “I thought I wore you out last
night?”

Ben smirked. “I slept
well.”

Jace tried to grin in
response but winced instead.

“
Are you all
right?”

“
My head is killing me,”
Jace said.

“
You didn’t drink anything
last night.”

“
No, but I’m beginning to
wish I had, especially if I’m going to have the hangover anyway.”
He sat at the kitchen table and rubbed his temples. “Grab me a
couple aspirin, would you?”

“
Sure.”

His face was pale and drawn
when Ben returned. “Maybe it was something you ate? Is your stomach
okay? You could be coming down with a bug.”

Jace shook his head and
tossed the aspirin into his mouth, chasing them down with a swig of
coffee. The cup shook as he tried to return it to the table before
his hand spasmed. The cup shattered on the linoleum, hot coffee
splattering across the floor like blood at a crime
scene.

“
So clumsy,” Jace said,
standing to fetch a towel. His legs buckled beneath him and he
crumpled to the floor, the fear reflected in his eyes fading to
emptiness.

Ben was at his side
instantly, holding his head off the floor and launching a barrage
of questions that went unanswered. He felt helpless, touching
Jace’s face, feeling for fever, trying to find some way to help
him. Jace remained unresponsive.

Ben called 911 and in his
panic gave the operator their old address. He called back when he
realized his mistake, fearing they would think him a prank caller
and never come. Then he waited, switching between checking on Jace
and running to the front door. What was taking so long? Didn’t they
understand how serious this was? Couldn’t they get here
sooner?

He ran to the driveway when
he heard the sirens, his words rambling and confused, but he
managed to point the paramedics in the right direction. Jace was
unmoving when they collected him off the floor.

“
Is he dead? Is he dead?”
he chanted, but all the paramedics said was to stand
back.

He barely had the presence
of mind to shut the door as they left, praying Samson hadn’t
escaped. Ben clambered into the ambulance, watching as they put a
device over Jace’s mouth, a bag that the paramedic squeezed to keep
him breathing. That was good. That meant he was alive.

* * * * *

“
Aneurysm.”

The doctor had said much
more than that, but this was the word Ben fixated on. He struggled
to remember what it meant, something with the brain. A tumor? Or
just a blip of electricity in the wrong place?

“
His grandmother died from
one,” Ben remembered. “Oh god, is he going to--”

“
That he made it here
alive is a promising sign,” the doctor assured him. “He has a
five-hour surgery ahead of him. If he can pull through that, he has
a good chance. I must warn you though, there could be
complications. Are you family?”

“
Yes.”

Every complication was
listed on a piece of paper Ben was asked to sign. He barely scanned
this list of nightmare possibilities. This was a choice between
life and death. If Jace survived, they could deal with what sort of
life he was left with.

Jace’s family arrived while
he was still in surgery, which was a great relief to Ben. Finally
he was with people who understood that the world was coming undone
at the seams. That calm, unshakable Jace had fallen was
impossible.

A nurse informed his family
that Jace had suffered a class four cerebral aneurysm. They were
able to explain to Ben what this meant. An aneurysm was a ballooned
portion of blood vessel filled with blood. If left undetected it
could rupture, causing bleeding in the brain. Once that happened
there was only a fifty percent chance of survival.

Waiting for the results of
the surgery was pure agony. Ben tried to imagine his life without
Jace and couldn’t. He had been the center of Ben’s world for too
many years now. Going on without him would be impossible. He’d
rather die himself. How could anyone expect him to do
otherwise?

Redemption came in the form
of a very tired surgeon. He gave them a weary smile and the news
that the surgery had been a success. Now it was up to Jace to
recover.

The next four days were
crucial, the high chance of fatality still looming over them. Ben
maintained a constant vigil as Jace flitted in and out of
consciousness. At times he didn’t know who Ben was, or he would say
strange things, worrying once that Samson was going to be late to
work. Their laughter at such times was frantic and short-lived.
What if this is how he would behave from now on? What if Ben
remained forgotten?

Equally worrying was the
lack of movement on Jace’s left side. Among the constant warnings
from doctors and nurses was the possibility of permanent paralysis
on that side. When Jace began clapping on the fifth day, for
reasons known only to him, the entire family cried with
relief.

By the end of the week Jace
had returned to them. He knew who they were and remembered what had
happened. He also complained of pain and how loud everything was.
Another side effect. They had to whisper when around him, otherwise
they sounded like they were shouting.

“
I’m sorry about all of
this.”

This was the first coherent
sentence Jace said to him. Ben wept while covering his face in
kisses.

* * * * *

The ducks snapped up the
bread greedily, occasionally bickering with each other and trying
to steal more than their share. For Ben and Jace this was a game as
they tried to ensure that every duck received its fair portion.
Sitting cross-legged on the dock, they were benevolent judges,
casting torn bread to the meeker ducks in the back and refusing
those who behaved too aggressively.

Renting the lakeside cabin
had been a gift from Ben’s parents to celebrate Jace’s graduation
from six weeks of physical therapy. He was doing great, too.
Physically he had made a near full recovery. Occasionally his left
hand gave him trouble but it was manageable, although he still
tended to tire easily.

Mentally things were a bit
harder. He often had short-term memory loss, would forget what he
was going to say or what he had been doing. On good days he could
laugh about it, but his medical crisis had brought out a new side
to Jace. Ben had noticed it during his rehabilitation, how
impatient Jace would become, even losing his temper on a few
occasions. His usual self-assured calmness was gone.

Noise was still a problem,
too. Occasionally he developed a strong sensitivity. Predicting
when it would happen was difficult, but when it did he would shut
himself in a quiet room and could only be addressed in a
whisper.

“
I’d like to go back to
work again,” Jace said, tossing the last chunk of bread to a duck
brave enough to come onto the dock.