Something in Between (32 page)

44

A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

AFTER ROYCE DROPS
me off at home, I lie awake all night, tossing and turning on my bed, thinking of the possibilities of our future. Royce and I will be together. We'll have our own home. We'll get our own things. We'll both be in school. We'll help each other every step of the way. Before we know it, both of us will have graduated from college. We'll have pets, a dog and a cat. I've always wanted a dog, but my Mom is allergic. We'll have a baby at some point—babies. But not so soon. Still, this is everything I wanted. Stanford. A meaningful career. A handsome husband. Two kids. We can have it, can't we? Even if we get married at eighteen? I've seen the statistics—they aren't good. What if this is a mistake?

What will our families think? What will they do? I can't imagine Mom and Dad missing my wedding. Will my family be torn apart if I get to stay in America and they don't? Will this open the door to helping get them back here? I could sponsor them once I'm a citizen. I looked up the law. If I marry Royce, I'm immediately eligible for a green card, and I could be a citizen in three short years.

But what if they don't forgive me for marrying so young? Or for this reason? I know Dad certainly won't approve. Will they ever forgive me?

And what about Royce's parents? They'll be furious, won't they? No one from their world gets married at eighteen. Will they blame me for stealing their son? And if they don't support us, what then? Will we truly be on our own? Does Royce have any money apart from his family? Should I even be thinking about that? It seems wrong.

I can't sleep. The doubts start to fade, though, when I think about Royce, kneeling in the sand. I'll never forget that moment. We've been through so much together and I don't want to let him go. I want this. I want to marry him.

I fall asleep to the euphoria that nothing else matters. Only Royce's love for me. Only my love for him. Who's the romantic now? “Only us,” I whisper, drifting into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The only person I tell about the proposal is Kayla. We're hanging out in her living room the next day. She's decided on CalArts, and I'm watching her scroll through photos of the residence halls. She's been there for me and I've been there for her, through good and bad. We both know this. So I give it to her straight—Royce and I are eloping.

She sets down her phone and stares at me. “Are you sure about this?”

“I think so,” I say.

“That's not a hundred percent.”

“Yes it is. I love him one hundred percent and more. But I'm only ninety percent sure I should marry him right now.”

“Ninety percent? Is that good enough?” Kayla wonders.

“Why are you playing devil's advocate?”

“Because there's no one else around to be that little voice in your head.”

“What makes you so certain I need one?” I'm annoyed, but I desperately need to talk to someone about this too.

She sits back, sipping from her glass of iced green tea. “Because this is a bigger decision than accepting an invitation to Stanford. Going to college may be life changing, but marriage is
really
going to change your life. Look at my parents, for one.”

I don't say anything. I'm surprised by Kayla's response. I thought she'd be more supportive, think that it was so romantic of us. But instead she's practical, tough.

“All right,” she says. “Say you go through with it. When? How?”

“The courthouse,” I guess. “Very soon. A day or two. You can be our witness.”

“Great,”
she says. “Make me hold the shotgun.”

“He
asked
me. I'm not making him do this.”

“Maybe not directly,” she says. “But what other choice does he have to keep you? It's not like that judge has done anything for you. Or that lawyer. Or Royce's dad. If he wants to keep you with him, asking you to marry him is his only choice.”

She's right.
I'll fix this
, he'd told me.
I'll find a way
. This is the only path ahead for us, and it's a heavy one. This conversation is starting to scare me. I want to be happy about our plans. But Kayla of all people has to go throw a dose of reality in my face.

She puts an arm around me. “This is exciting for you. You feel like a princess. I know—I can see it on your face. And that is the biggest diamond I've ever seen. But as your best friend, I just don't want you to make what could possibly be the biggest mistake of your life.”

“How can it be a mistake? We love each other,” I say hotly, looking at the enormous ring flashing on my right hand. I wanted to show it to Kayla but I hid it from my parents.

“Since when does love mean you have to get married?” She purses her lips like a schoolmarm.

“When it means we'd be worlds apart if we don't! At least I'll be in America!”

“But at what expense? You're both only eighteen. Do you know how many marriages fail because the bride and groom were too young?”

“I know the odds.”

“And it doesn't scare you?”

“I said I was ninety percent sure, didn't I? Of course I'm scared!”

“You should be. I just can't picture you as a married woman right now. Isn't he the first boy you've kissed?”

“Pretty much.”

Kayla crosses her arms smugly. “Have you guys even had sex?” she asks.

“It's private,” I say, but can't help but blush, thinking of the plans we'd made for after the courthouse.

“Fine, be that way! Well, think about it, then. He's the only guy you're
ever
going to sleep with. Are you okay with that?”

I nod. “I don't want anyone else. I want him. Only him. He's the only one for me, Kay. I know it.”

“But don't you think you're both forcing things a little? I know how bad you want to stay. I want you to stay too. But I don't want you to get married and wake up every morning with so much pressure on your relationship. You'll only break his heart more if it doesn't work out in the end. What if you get divorced?”

Oh God. She has a point. We can't get married this way, can we? I shudder, suddenly cold. Marriages also end in divorce. So many things can happen. Marriage is a huge step, a huge reach. We're just at the beginning. What if Royce and I think we're saving our relationship but are actually dooming ourselves? I don't want that. I want us to have the best chance of forever. “What am I supposed to do, Kayla?” I cry.

“I don't know yet. Just promise me to wait at least one more day.”

45

Marriage can wait, education cannot.

—KHALED HOSSEINI,
A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS

I DON'T CONTACT
the media. Mr. Alvarado has bit onto my bluff. “Just a few more days, Ms. de los Santos, if you can wait this long, you can wait a little longer,” he says over the phone. “I have a call in to the judge. I'll get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.” But I know he knows I'm not going to talk to any journalists.

For once I don't care.

I've got my own solution. Royce. Marriage. A brand-new life. Three days have passed. Even after my conversation with Kayla, I haven't changed my mind about marrying Royce. Sure, we're taking a risk, we're gambling with our lives, but I'm confident I'm doing the right thing. This is the only way to stay in America and the only way for Royce and I to be together.

I text Kayla to meet us at the courthouse at 1:30 p.m. She hesitantly agrees. It breaks my heart not to have my family there, but at least I have Kayla. I can't think of anyone better to be there. Except for maybe Millie, whom I haven't told for fear she might tell my mother. Both of them will find out soon enough anyhow.

Royce picks me up at my house. Mom and Dad are at work, and Danny and Isko are visiting Lola Cherry at her retirement home. I never even used to go to parties, and now I'm sneaking out behind their backs to get married. It's surreal. I'm wearing a pretty white slip dress I bought at the mall the day before. Royce wears a black suit and tie to match, my handsome groom.

I get inside the car. As I sit down, I lean over and kiss him. He kisses me back, holding my chin gently with his hand. I'm going to remember this moment forever. It's our wedding day.

“Does anyone else know? Besides Kayla?” Royce asks.

“I might tell Millie,” I say. “I'm not sure. What about you?”

“I'm not telling anybody until we're ready to make an announcement.”

“An announcement?”

“We'll tell everyone and have a big reception somewhere.”

“We will?” I try to imagine everyone being in one hall together after finding out what we did. My family glaring at his family. Our friends, wandering around confused. “I was sort of hoping we could just keep it on the down low for now,” I say. “Maybe make a few phone calls and a Facebook announcement.”

“I doubt that would be good enough for my family,” he says. “They'll want a huge party. Yours would too. Somewhere nice. Dinner. A full orchestra. Dancing. My dad would want to invite his friends, dignitaries. This would be pretty huge.”

“It would?” I can't imagine my family at such a fancy affair. Mom and Dad like to gamble during karaoke at the annual family Christmas party. Mom gets so annoyed if she doesn't win. She's pretty bored at any wedding where she can't sing her heart out to “Can't Help Falling In Love” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” What would she do with a bunch of politicians? Would she rope them into a thousand-dollar pool on karaoke?

I don't even want to think about telling anyone.

My parents are going to kill me. Filipino girls from nice families aren't supposed to elope. Everyone is going to think I'm pregnant, which is so untrue, especially as I'm still a virgin!

“Don't worry.” He squeezes my hand. “I'll be there to keep you company.”

“I know.” I smile.

The Chatsworth courthouse is gray, rounded, almost like a prison, with half a dozen palm trees staggered outside the front steps. When I see the building I feel the magnitude of what's about to happen. A
secret
marriage. Who doesn't want this? Isn't every girl's dream to be married to someone so handsome and caring? More important, Royce is someone who appreciates me for who I am. He's my best friend. He doesn't care about what country I'm from or how my family is so different from his. He loves me for me.

I glance at his profile as we walk up the steps, so proud that he's mine. We'll be married, and I'll be able to stay in the country. Soon enough I'll be an American citizen. Just like that, I'll
belong
. I won't be stuck between two countries and cultures anymore. I don't know anything else except for America. Just this country. Just me being me. This country
owes
it to me. I smile at Royce.

I should be
happy
. I try to keep smiling, but I can't mask my feelings anymore. The closer I get to the front doors, the more I feel weighed down. I can barely breathe. I don't understand what's happening. I want to scream at myself.
Keep smiling! This is the best thing that
'
s ever happened to you!
Run in there and get married to your prince!

At the same time, I'm horrified at my thoughts.
This country
owes
it to me?
Did I really just think that? Have I really been feeling this entitled all along? Just because I'm smart? That I believe I deserve to be American and so Royce is obligated to marry me?

I start to wonder what I've really done for myself. I've been so off-putting, ramming my agenda down everyone's throat, including Mr. Alvarado, who's really just trying to do his job, Royce, my family, Kayla. Everyone. I've been so ambitious, so sure that I deserve to be here, that I've allowed Royce to throw his entire world into chaos. Am I really so selfish that I would allow our relationship to be defined by my legal status? Do I really want to keep this moment from my family, the people who have cared about me my whole life?

Royce feels me come to a sudden stop at the top of the stairs.

My hand drops away from his.

“No,” I say.

He stops too. “No, what?”

“This isn't the way to do it. There has to be another way.”

Royce turns to me. “Jasmine. There is no other way. We have to do this.”

I shake my head. “It's not right, Royce.”

“What are you talking about? We agreed to this. We agreed to get married. It's the only way to keep you here. You're going to be deported thousands of miles away if we don't.”

“The extension might still come through,” I say, struggling to hold on to hope.

I know Royce wants to do this for me, but the time isn't right. My family isn't here and neither is his. And this isn't the way I want us to start our official life together. We're young. Way too young to make this kind of commitment.

“We don't know for sure yet that I have to leave,” I say desperately.

“What do you mean? Of course we do,” he says urgently.

“It will tear my family apart,” I say. “I can't do this to them, or you.”

“You're not doing anything to me. I
want
to marry you,” he pleads.

“I want it too, but we don't really understand what we're doing. Either of us. Don't you see? This isn't brave. This isn't part of what I have to go through. This is a quick fix, a Band-Aid. All of this is going to explode if we go through with it. Can't you see the pressure it will put on us? Our families are already stressed right now, and we need to keep them together. I have to go through this deportation
with
them. Not apart from them.”

Royce takes my hand as if he's going to pull me inside the courthouse, as if in his desperation to keep me here he'll force me to marry him if he has to. “I don't want to lose you,” he says, stricken. “Please, Jas.”

“I don't want to lose you either, but I'm scared that if we do this now, we'll lose each other some other way later. I love you, Royce, but I can't.” Tears are falling down my face, and my heart is breaking, but I know I'm doing the right thing.

I try to turn away, but he still has my arm. His face is ashen.

Kayla is in the distance coming toward us.

“Babe,” I whisper. I love him so much and it's why I can't do this to him, to us. I know I'm doing the right thing. “Please let go.”

Finally, he releases my arm. Then I run toward Kayla and beg her to take me far away from here, anywhere.