Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie We're In Trouble! (The Toad Witch Mysteries Book 2) (2 page)

The sucky thing about being pregnant—other than morning sickness—was not being able to take anything stronger than Tylenol for headaches. I was sprawled out on the couch with a bag of frozen peas over my forehead, massaging my scalp to ease the tension, when Gus crashed through the front door with all the energy of a tornado.

“I’m hooooome!” Gus hollered, a blast of arctic wind ushering in his arrival. He was dragging a giant rolling suitcase behind him and looked… different. He had been in Chicago for what seemed like forever, indulging himself in some quality boy toy time, since he had yet to crack the gay scene in Devil’s Point. Which, to be honest, kind of surprised me. Normally, his gaydar was humming 24-7. The boy was definitely off his game.

Our two Dobies, Aramis and Apollo, eagerly jumped all over his legs, panting and barking in long-legged puppy happiness.

Just in case I had missed Gus blasting through the door, Aunt Tillie shimmered into view on her rocking chair. “Alert the media,” she said sarcastically, while she knitted a pair of baby booties. “Little Lord Fauntleroy has found his way home.”

Then, the baby started kicking my kidneys, in some kind of embryonic happy dance. You may think that my soon-to-be child shouldn’t be able to hear people talking inside her liquid-filled womb or sense the world around her, and you’d be right.

But thanks to a combination of witchblood and demon seed, my baby who, according to pictures in baby magazines, currently resembled a miniature Creature From the Black Lagoon—was aware, responsive and mobile. Way more developed than any of the books said was possible. Even in her current micro-me size, I could feel magic radiating from her.

“Could you take it down a few notches?” I asked, exasperated.

“Nice to see you, too.” Gus responded.

A shaft of sunlight bounced off the snow outside and rudely shoved its way into the living room. I dropped the bag of frozen peas on the side table and squinted at Gus, shielding my eyes. “Close the door. You’re letting out the heat.”

Gus mercifully complied.

The baby head-butted my belly, irritated at my lack of enthusiasm.

“Ow! And you can knock that right off.” I snapped.

“What is wrong with you, woman?! I didn’t touch you.” Gus protested.

“Of course,
you
didn’t.”

“Then
who
are you talking to?!”

“Who else is using my organs as makeshift soccer balls? I’m talking to the baby.” I said, rubbing my belly in a circular motion, trying to soothe the little monster.

“I have been gone for weeks. Weeks. Nay onto months. Practically years. I wasn’t just away for the day. You should be thrilled to see me. Dancing and showering me with offerings. At the very least, have a Scotch and water waiting my arrival. Where’s my smiling, happy
‘welcome home, I’ve missed you so much’
face?”

“I’m pregnant. Nauseous and stressed
is
my happy face.” I said, and felt my eyes filling up with tears.
Damn hormones.
I sniffled and reached for a tissue from one of the many boxes I had on the coffee table.

“You certainly have an odd way of showing it.”

“What do you expect? You left me alone with Aunt Tillie for too long,” I pouted. “I think she’s rubbed off on me.”

“One can only dream,” Aunt Tillie snorted. “You’d be better off.”

Gus raised an eyebrow.

“I should buy stock in Kleenex. I can’t even watch TV commercials without breaking down.” I sniffled and blew my nose. “I’m happy you’re finally back. I’m just a bit cranky today, okay? I’m sorry. Why didn’t you text or call to tell me you were on the way?”

“Seriously? You need advance notice to find warmth in your heart? Okay, Wicked Witch of the Tundra. Next time, I’ll send flying monkeys to announce my arrival.”

I laughed and felt some of the tension in my head release. I had had a tingling feeling all day, like Gus was on his way home, but since I hadn’t heard from him, I had tried to shake it off as wishful thinking. The constant anticipation had worn on me though, until it triggered a headache.

“If it makes you feel better, the baby’s thrilled to see you. She’s dancing a jig on my bladder and kicking me in the kidneys.”

“You mean
he
,” Gus said, grinning. “That’s my boy.”

“Boy, shmoy. I’m getting a lot of girl energy.”

“Obviously, we can’t both be right.”

“Maybe it’s a butch girl,” I said.

“Or a femme boy.”

I thought about it. “I can live with that.”

And I could. Either would be fine, because honestly, the one thing I wouldn’t know how to raise was a testosterone-heavy male. They had generally brought me nothing but grief.

“Hold the phone! What if it’s twins?” Gus asked, clapping his hands. His eyes beamed. “Wouldn’t that be something? One for each of us!”

I groaned. One unexpected baby was going to be work enough. I couldn’t imagine raising twins.

Aunt Tillie clucked in disapproval. “Tell the idiot that babies are not toys. They’re living beings.”

“You tell him,” I said.

“Now, who are you talking to?” Gus asked.

“Aunt Tillie. She’s sitting right there,” I pointed to her rocking chair. “Can’t you see her?”

Gus looked a little stunned. “No…”

“Seriously?” I sat up straighter, surprised.

Gus shook his head. “Seriously. That’s just… Weird.”

“You used to be able to see her though, right? Before you left?”

“Not as solid as you, but well enough.”

“Aunt Tillie, how are you blocking Gus?” I asked, curious and a little concerned.

She shrugged and continued knitting.

I mean, it was one thing when we were both seeing Aunt Tillie. Gus was like a check and balance for me. But if it was only me… I had to wonder, was I really seeing Aunt Tillie, or was my imagination on overdrive?

When I looked at her again, she was gone. All I saw was an empty chair.

Chapter 2

A
fter Gus deposited his stuff in his room, he came back downstairs. When he found me in the kitchen, he grabbed his chest and gasped, as if he was having a heart attack.

“Knock it off,” I said, throwing a green bean at him.

“Barefoot, pregnant and shackled to the appliances. I love it.” He whipped his iPhone out of his pocket. “I’m going to commemorate the occasion.”

I stuck out my middle finger, just as the tiny camera clicked.

Gus slid the phone back into his pocket. “I knew if I left you on your own long enough, you’d befriend the kitchen. Have you figured out how to turn the stove on? Or are you just teasing me with promises of nosh?”

“Watch it, buddy.” I warned him. “Or you’ll be eating your dinner raw.”

“Oh, come on. I’ve been traveling for hours and hours to get back to you. Spoil me a little.”

I opened the fridge and scanned the shelves for quick-fix carnita meat. “You’re lucky I like you.”

“I’m lucky you finally learned how to cook. The steady diet of microwave dinners was getting old.”

“Is that why you left for so long?” I asked. To my dismay, tears started pricking my eyes.

Gus came up behind me and kissed my shoulder. “Isn’t that sweet? You missed me. Who would have thought?”

I closed my eyes for a minute and didn’t say anything, until I got my equilibrium back. Then I pulled out the carnitas, a bag of salad and a bottle of dressing.

Gus started setting the table. “I like what you’ve done with the place. Holiday decorations, Yule tree. How’d you get a Yule tree in here, on your own?”

“I ran into Paul at the Christmas tree lot. He offered to help, since you were out of town.” Paul was my on-again, off-again boyfriend and the unknowing father of my baby.

Gus nodded and looked around, impressed. “It’s almost like we’re real grown-ups.”

I shrugged. “Baby on the way. One of us needed to started acting like an adult.”

“Yeowtch. Sheath those claws, bitchy kitty.”

“Just putting you on notice. The miniature human will be taking over the spoiled child role for the next eighteen years. You’ll have to relinquish your crown.”

I dumped the carnitas into a pan and started heating them up. The microwave would have been easier, but I had stopped using it once I found out I was pregnant. I was probably being paranoid, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

“Of course, he will,” Gus said, soothingly. “I’m not greedy. I can share the role of irresponsible youngster with him.”

“With
her
,” I said, stirring the pan.

“Just think of all the trouble we can get into together.” Gus said as he started working on the salad. “I can take him
or her,
to their first drag queen show. We need to get a baby backpack. Do we have any bleu cheese dressing?”

“Sorry, buddy. It’s on the no-no list for preggie ladies. You’ll have to deal with French until I go shopping.”

“I wonder if they have any baby glitter backpacks on the market with crystal designs? Maybe a little sparkly pentacle? Or a triple spiral?”

 I snorted. “I think you’ll have to bedazzle your own witchy backpack. That’s definitely a missing niche in the baby items business.”

*     *     *

After dinner, Gus took care of the cleanup, while I settled down with a book.

“The kitchen is now spotless milady,” he said with a flourish, as he flopped down on the couch next to me.

I squeezed over to give him more space.

“I even got rid of the coffee stains on the counter. You really need to clean those as they happen.” He popped open the top button of his jeans and took a deep breath. “That’s better.” 

I glanced at him. “Between your belly and mine, we’re going to need a sturdier sofa.”

Gus narrowed his eyes. “I may have put on a few pounds, but I’m not that big.”

I snorted. “Have you looked in the mirror, lately?”

“Motherhood has made you mean. Knock it off.”

“Sorry,” I said, smiling.

“Besides. It’s your fault.”

“How do you figure?”

“I blame your pregnancy. I have never been so famished in my entire life. I swear, I’ve been eating for the three of us.”

“I can tell,” I laughed.

“Glass houses, honey.” Gus stared at my stomach as I stretched and rubbed my lower back. “You didn’t have a baby bump when I left, did you?”

I groaned. “You’ve been gone a long time.”

“Surely, not
that
long.”

“Last week, I dreamt that instead of giving birth to a baby, a seven-year-old dictator walked out of me, demanding the car keys. The next morning, my pants wouldn’t fit.”

“You woke up with a belly?” Gus hooted with laughter. “That’s impressive.”

“I already had a little belly. I just woke up with a bigger one. Check this out.” I held up my shirt so he could see the wide elastic band supporting my baby bump.

Gus made a face. “That’s spectacularly unattractive. What is it? A slingshot?”

“Pregnancy band.”

“I have a better idea. Let’s hire an Oompa-Loompa to walk underneath you and support your belly on his head.”

I laughed. “I think I’ll stick with the pregnancy band.”

“Don’t be hating on my little orange men. They may be small, but they’re mighty.”

“You just have a thing for dwarfs.”

“Don’t judge me. I’m all about equal opportunity,” he said, lifting my legs on top of his and massaging my feet. “So, how’s our toad doing? Have you been checking on him?”

Gus had made a stone cairn for Grundleshanks outside and enclosed him in it, so he’d be protected from predators while ants and beetles helped him decompose. At least, that was the theory.

“Are you kidding me? I’m pregnant. I can’t check on eggs frying without hurling. There is no way I’m going to check on a decaying corpse for you. No matter how much you rub my feet.” 

Even thinking about it made me nauseous. I shuddered and tried to get the image out of my head. When I opened my eyes, Gus was giving me a pained look and holding out a piece of candied ginger.

“Thanks.” I popped it in my mouth. “If it helps, the weather’s been a bitch since you’ve been gone.”

“It is winter.”

“It’s been beyond winter.”

“Morgue-cold, by any chance?”

“More like Antarctica, igloo-building, and the Poles flipping. There’s cold and then there’s Devil’s Point cold. Did you see the six-foot drifts of snow out there? They’re frozen solid. It’s gotten too cold to snow anymore. The only thing that’s keeping me from turning into an ice sculpture is that this baby has turned my insides into a furnace.”

Gus frowned. “That’s not good. That means Grundleshanks is probably more toadsicle than he is decomposed pile of bones. Maybe I should bring him indoors.”

“Oh, no you don’t,” I said. “How long does it take a toad to decompose anyway?”

Gus looked stumped for a moment, then he stopped rubbing my feet and whipped out his iPhone. “The magic of technology...”

Chapter 3

A
few minutes later, Gus was frowning at his phone. “Fifty years. That can’t be right.”

I hooted with laughter and almost choked on the ginger. Gus’s patience was taxed if he had to wait half an hour for his meal at a restaurant. Fifty years might as well be three lifetimes.

I got a sudden mental image of Gus at eighty, camped out at the cairn in a pentacle bedazzled folding chair, with a stopwatch in one hand and a blackthorn cane in the other.

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you that it’s rude to laugh at frustrated people and Internet misinformation?” Gus’s frown deepened.

“I’m sure that’s not right.” I said, patting his arm. “They must be thinking of fossilization, not decomposition.”

He made a noncommittal noise and kept scrolling through whatever website he was on. “Weird. Have you ever heard of exploding toads?”

“Spontaneously exploding?”

“Yeah. Boom.” He said, gesturing with his hands. “It’s a bird, it’s a frog, it’s a toad bomb. A domestic toadarist. A whole new definition for Toad in the Hole.”

Well, that didn’t help. I started laughing all over again.

“I’m trying to have a serious conversation,” Gus said, grinning. “So, knock it off, Chuckles.”