Solstice (23 page)

I typed in
pneumonia
and then
damp disease
, but there was still nothing. It did give me an idea, though. Perhaps the names of diseases had been changed. It seemed they’d been changed after the Burning, so maybe they’d been changed again by the Legislature. I buried the links I’d read by typing in new unrelated searches.

When it was almost three, I made my way to the classroom where our science group had planned to meet. The room was empty, and I sat at a desk, waiting for Sol.

I thought of the events over the past few days: of being locked in my room during curfew, of Chalice coming to “replace” me, of her cryptic message about Sol, of his role in informing on the cult, and finally of Chalice’s decision to be Demoted.

I covered my face with my hands as confusion rolled over me, a river of questions. At the top of the list was what had happened to Rueben. Had I really seen him on the other side of the fence? Or was he still on the water somewhere? Had he reached a Lake Town?

You shouldn’t care about people so much,
I heard Naomi’s voice in my head.
But my teacher never smiles,
I had worried at the age of seven.
What if she’s sick? Will she be Taken?
Naomi let out a familiar sigh.
Teachers aren’t supposed to smile.

No matter how I tried to talk myself out of it, I cared about people. Sol. Chalice. Rueben. The boys on stage today. Those kids at the prison. My whole life I’d been led to believe that I must not feel sad, or happy, or worried, or nervous, or angry, or frustrated . . . I must not feel anything.

But what if . . . what if the professors were wrong? What if the Examiner was wrong? The
Legislature?

My throat tightened. If they were all wrong, did that mean Rose had been right? But she had been a rule breaker, someone who was foolish enough to get herself executed. Had she thought that death was really better than following the rules? I knew some people believed there was a place to go after our life cycles. Heaven. Paradise. Nirvana. But nothing could be proved, which meant death was a void in which there was no life. It was the end. I blinked against my forming tears. I didn’t know what was right and what was wrong anymore.

The door slid open, and I scrambled to stand, facing Sol as he came barreling. His hair was messy, his eyes wide and wild, and he was out of breath. Had he been running?

I braced myself against the desk, steeling myself for whatever he might say:
Jez, I’m a student informer for the government. My job is to watch you.
Or,
Jez, word just came in that Rueben has been Taken.

Sol said none of these things.

In a few quick strides, he was standing right in front of me.

“You’re an informer, aren’t you?” I demanded.

His eyes bore into me. “No.”

“Then why did you turn in the cult members?” I folded my arms, hating that I missed him,
missed us,
even as he stood in front of me, making me angry.

“I can’t explain,” he said, his tone defensive. “But it was for their own good. They would have been worse than Demoted if I hadn’t turned them in.”

“What could be worse than Demotion?”

His gaze softened a little, and his voice fell below quiet. “Banishment.”

Now that I knew about Lake Towns, Banishment might not be such a horrible sentence after all. There were worse things—I’d seen kids in cages, not even able to take care of their own bodily functions.

I dropped my hands to my side in defeat. I wanted to believe that Sol wasn’t an informer, and that he wasn’t supposed to spy on me. I had to believe. If I didn’t, then there was no
us
and never would be again. “What about Chalice?”

His eyes clouded. “I don’t know why she went with the cult. Probably felt guilty for wearing all of those religious symbols in A Level.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Look, Jez,” he said, grasping my arms and leaning in.

I flinched at his touch. He didn’t seem to notice what he was doing. “I don’t know why she came up on stage—if there was a way to help her, I would have, but that’s impossible. Maybe you didn’t know her as well as you thought you did. We’re all walking a fine line. If you thought A Level was strict, University is worse. Only half of us will even graduate to O Level.”

“Which is why you’re trying to get rid of the competition?”

“Some might see it like that,” he said, his hands still on my arms.

I looked down, and he seemed to remember himself. He dropped his hands, but then he took a step closer. Which was not good for me. I pressed further against the desk, but there was nowhere for me to go. If Sol wasn’t an informer for the government, then why had Chalice told me not to talk to him? I had to find out what they’d talked about.

“What did you say to Chalice the other day?”

“I asked her what she knew about Clinicals,” Sol said. “She hadn’t heard the term before.”

“Did you research it?” I asked, wondering if he had any idea what his nearness was doing to me—how I felt like I’d just been pushed near a blazing fire.

His eyes searched mine. “I didn’t find anything, Jez.”

“I’m sure the information is well hidden.” It was impossible to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

“You have to stop,” he whispered, his eyes a dark gray tempest.

“Stop what?”

“Following me.”

I let out a bitter laugh, not caring what he thought about my emotions. “You put me on your science team. So am I now messing up your perfect plan to becoming the student of the year? You’re already the Examiner’s favorite.” I slid back onto the desk and sat, putting at least a little more space between us. “Were you talking about me on the stage? Telling him all my secrets?”

“You have secrets?”

I felt my face heat up. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or teasing. Exasperated, I said, “Doesn’t everyone?”

He stared at me, as if he could read exactly what I was thinking. “You have to stop talking to me, stop sending messages—”

“Give me one good reason, Sol.” My voice shook with anger, but I didn’t attempt to conceal it. “Why can’t I talk to my friend?”

He closed his eyes. Good. He was exasperated. At least someone knew how I felt, if only marginally.

Sol opened his eyes, and I wasn’t sure how to read his expression. The only way to describe it was maybe confusion. He touched my face, his fingers tracing my cheek, then he slid his hand behind my neck. This was different than anything he’d ever done—very different.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest as his fingers stroked the back of my neck. He put his mouth next to my ear, his cheek against my cheek. I tried to pull away but my body refused to move. What was wrong with him? I was starting to get nervous. Scared, even.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me, Jez,” he whispered, his fingers threading through my hair.

Goose bumps rose where he touched me and spread to my arms and legs. I couldn’t answer. Couldn’t breathe.

“All I know is that whenever you’re in the room, I’m never close enough to you,” he said. “When I don’t see you, I think of nothing else. When you walk up to me in the corridor and make demands, all I want to do is . . .” He exhaled. “Jez?”

“What?” My voice sounded very far away. I felt frozen, but that was impossible because every inch of my body was burning up.

“Please stay away from me,” he said in a pained voice.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me to a standing position, tugging me against him.

Then the door slid open.

I was sitting on the desk, and Sol was standing three feet away from me in an instant.

Daniel entered.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” Sol said, his voice perfectly calm and smooth.

How does he do that?

As for myself, I could hardly look at Daniel. I gave him a short nod and moved off the desk to sit in my chair.

If Daniel had seen anything, he didn’t say so. The only indication that Sol had just been holding me was the way he stared at me now.

I could read his eyes like he could read my soul. His gaze was locked on me, but then he blinked, and it was gone—all gone—as if we’d been chatting about the science project and nothing more.

My body still tingled where we had touched. I tried to breathe normally, tried not to think of what Sol had said. It was beyond anything I’d ever considered before. What he’d said . . . what he’d implied . . . He was right. I did need to stay away from him.

I stared at my tablet while Daniel, and then Serah, reported on their ideas. It was almost impossible to concentrate when all I could think about was being in Sol’s arms. What would have happened if Daniel hadn’t walked in? My mind spun and my body trembled as Sol’s words replayed in my mind.
When I don’t see you, I think of nothing else.
How could Sol feel that way about me? How could he feel like I did?

He wasn’t a Clinical. After meeting Rueben, I should be able to spot them easier. So what had happened to Sol? How could he think those thoughts—and then confess them to me?

Perspiration broke out on my body as the voices of my team hummed around me. What did I do now? If Sol knew what I felt for him, where would that lead us? My hug hadn’t been exactly innocent. I pushed out a breath, wishing I could disappear into my dorm room. It was awkward to try to carry on a conversation about science.

Finally I looked up to see Daniel’s mouth moving.

“I considered Serah’s idea about creating vegetable-flavored foods and thought we might start with sweet potato flavoring,” Daniel said.

I suppressed a shudder as Daniel continued to talk about various vegetables and how we could inflict their flavors onto other foods like meat and dairy products. I didn’t dare look over at Sol.

Serah nodded enthusiastically as Daniel talked. Finally, I glanced at Sol. My heart nearly stopped. He was watching me. Our gazes flicked away from each other, then back again. But his look didn’t say “I miss you” so much as “can I trust her to keep her mouth shut?”

Serah took over next. “I thought it might be interesting to see if we can create a preservative that makes fish last longer.”

I wrinkled my nose. My attention was finally diverted. Who needed fish to last longer? That was one food supply that we never lacked. The three of them discussed how much research we’d have to do to get the project started.

“You’ve been quiet,” Serah said, looking at me.

I swallowed, audibly. Both guys were watching me as well. I took a deep breath, pushing away all thoughts of Sol’s arms. “Why do we need to preserve fish? We aren’t going to be running out. And . . .” I met the gazes focused on me. “Sweet potato-flavored anything sounds disgusting.”

Daniel’s jaw tightened, and Serah pressed her lips together. The only one who didn’t look like he wanted to throw me out of the group was Sol. His voice was mellow when he said, “What are your ideas, Jezebel?”

So formal. With all three staring at me, I said, “What if we do something that actually benefits society? Makes a difference?”
Something that allows us to go to the C Level and find Chalice?

Serah folded her arms.

Daniel jumped in. “Our ideas do make a difference. Preserving meat might not sound like a big deal right now, but it could have plenty of uses and—”

“Wait,” Sol said, holding up a hand. “Let her finish.”

My face flushed at the attention. I didn’t want to argue, but I wanted answers about Chalice, and our science project might be a way to get some of them. “What if we cured a disease?”

Serah’s mouth dropped open, and Daniel started to shake his head. Sol said, “Explain what you mean.”

“Did you know there are diseases in the city actually killing people?” I said. “Ones that the scientists haven’t been able to cure?”

Sol nodded. Of course. He knew pretty much all there was to know—all that we were allowed to know.

“Is this from the geology class earlier this morning?” Serah said.

“It got me thinking about it, yes,” I said.

Daniel’s voice cut in, suspicious. “What makes you think we could do something a group of skilled scientists aren’t doing?”

He had a point. I’d mostly been considering the research we’d be able to do—that we’d
hopefully
be allowed to do—and not whether it would actually work. Although that would be obviously be a huge bonus. We’d all be named students of the year and I’d advance to O Level and get the security clearances I needed to find the generators.

“Many diseases in the . . .” I dropped my voice, “the Before were cured entirely, but what if there are links between them and the new diseases? We could study the old ones and track the similarities. Maybe some of the same medications will cross over.”

“Don’t you think the scientists have already tried that?” Serah said.

“I have no idea what they’ve tried or haven’t tried,” I said in a quietly. “That information hasn’t been available for us to research. But if we could find even one thing that might help the scientists cure diseases, don’t you think that would be of more value than sweet potato yogurt?”

Everyone was quiet for a couple of minutes; Serah looked like she’d decided never to speak to me again. Daniel didn’t appear convinced, but Sol looked interested.

“We could at least request permission to do research on the current diseases and see what we’re up against,” Sol finally said.

I wanted to hug Sol. Again. Our eyes met and I looked away, guilt seeping through me.

Sol continued to discuss the timelines and when we’d have to meet next. Serah was out the door quickly, without saying good-bye to anyone. Daniel left a couple of minutes later after talking to Sol about one of their shared classes.

Then it was just the two of us again. I thought my heart would pound out of my chest. I didn’t know what to say. I was too afraid I’d confess every thought and feeling I had about him. And now that I knew he felt the same way, I was consumed by tangible fear. This was real. This could change our entire lives. This could end them as well. Maybe I could act as if it hadn’t happened. Maybe he regretted that it did. I kept my eyes on my tablet when I said, “Thanks for agreeing to at least consider my idea.”