Solitary Man (12 page)

He rolled over, his arm covering his eyes. “I’d like to say I’m sorry I started this.”

“But you’re not.”

He exhaled a groan. “Of course I am. But not for the reasons you think. And if I say it shouldn’t have happened, you’ll take it the wrong way and jump all over me.”

“Just spit it out. What is it you’re trying to say?” she asked, then steeled herself for what was to come.

“There’s something between us. It’s sexual…”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she muttered.

“And it’s emotional.”

“And it’s the emotional that makes you run like hell.”

He raised himself up onto one side. When she continued staring at the ceiling, he grabbed for her chin and turned her head to face him. Looking into his eyes was painful, but nothing she hadn’t experienced before, she thought sadly. “It’s not the emotional that makes me run. It’s you.”

“Talk clearly,” she said, frustration pouring through her. “I don’t get you and God help me, I want to.”

“Everything you are, everything you offer me is good—and I don’t deserve it. Hell, I can’t live up to it. I can’t give you what you want, what you need. And every time I look into your eyes, I realize that.”

“Guilt again. You think you’re responsible for Tony. That you let me down.”

He clenched his jaw tight “I did.”

“Yeah, you did. And I expected too much from one night. We’re past that.”

His humorless laugh chilled her. “Way past. And in too deep.”

She shut her eyes, knowing arguing with him now would be like driving in a never-ending circle. She’d never get anywhere. He carried too much guilt to ever forgive himself and he viewed her as some sort of paragon of virtue that he’d never be worthy of.

He didn’t see himself for the good and decent man he was any more than he viewed her as an ordinary person with flaws, someone who also made mistakes. With his two skewed perceptions of reality, she doubted they’d ever be able to meet in the mortal world.

“Okay, Kevin. You win.” She ignored her tingling breasts and the heaviness between her legs. Sex was easy. Her relationship with Kevin was not. “I’d rather be lonely than tortured.”

“Oh, hell.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Nikki said.

EIGHT

N
ikki glanced around Janine’s bedroom. What was once her brother’s bedroom, she thought sadly. Unfortunately, not much had changed in the few months since Tony’s death.

His side of the bed still had his things on the nightstand. A copy of
Sports Illustrated
lay beside a small clock, his watch sat beside it, and the hardcover mystery novel Nikki had bought him for his birthday a few weeks before he died was propped against a bedside lamp.

She turned to the closet where Janine was inside choosing clothes for her week’s trip to Iowa. Tony’s uniforms and casual clothes still hung on one side of the large walk-in closet. She recalled the day he’d decided to rent this place, and jokingly said it was the only apartment in town with a closet large enough to keep his new wife from stealing valuable clothing space. Nikki grinned. Tony had been joking, of course. Neither he nor Janine were into shopping or acquiring huge wardrobes—no more than they were into arguing over whose space was whose.

With a sigh, she lowered herself onto a small chair in the corner of the room. Janine was right to leave. The memories here were overwhelming. The move would force her to pack away the past and move on with the present in a way she probably couldn’t handle otherwise. Because she’d been so in love with Tony.

Nikki glanced at the ceiling, blinking through the moisture that filled her eyes. Janine and her brother had made the most of their time together. How many couples could claim the same?

How many couples were given the opportunity?

A chill shook her, as she realized the direction her thoughts were taking. She and Kevin were being given that same chance. Maybe they weren’t in
love
—or at least he wasn’t. She, on the other hand, could topple with the slightest bit of encouragement. Perhaps she was already there. Always had been. But now they were bound together by an unborn life, a baby that would need them forever.
Them
.

She was already living in his house. Physically they were drawn together. Emotionally they both held back. Only a concerted effort on one of their parts kept them from finding what Janine and Tony had shared.

Or was she deluding herself, Nikki wondered. Wanting to believe in unicorns when no such creature existed? She would never know unless she went looking. Unless she made the effort to create a warm, family atmosphere in the house she now called home.

A new resolve took hold. She’d take dual roads. On the one hand, she’d prepare herself for
the end
, should it come. But in the meantime, she would give it her best shot. And hope Kevin didn’t shoot her down and destroy what few dreams remained in her heart.

Janine walked out of the closet, a pile of clothes on hangers in her arms. “I’m still uncomfortable leaving you,” she said as she dumped the heavy load onto the bed beside an open suitcase.

Nikki nodded. “I know you are. And a week ago I’d have told you to go and assured you I’d be fine.” She bit down on her lower lip, realizing how her attitude had changed in the five minutes since she’d walked into this room. “I’d have been lying then.”

Janine paused from her task of unhooking the clothes from the hangers and refolding them to fit into the one piece of luggage. “And now?”

Nikki shrugged. “Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany.” She wrapped her arms around her bent legs and smiled. “I’m trying to see beyond that tunnel vision you accused me of having. I’m going to try to make things work with Kevin.”

Janine’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why the change of heart?”

Her heart hadn’t changed its beat. She’d just accepted what she’d always known deep inside. Her feelings for Kevin ran deep. If she wanted the life she’d always craved, she had to take a risk and hold onto the opportunity that presented itself now.

Nikki let her gaze take in the bedroom once more. “Life is short. I don’t want to miss out on what could have been because I was too stubborn to see what was right in front of me.” Too scared to trust in Kevin again.

Her sister-in-law crossed the room and grabbed Nikki’s hand. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s what
I
would do if I were you.”

“But?” Nikki sensed the hesitation in Janine’s tone.

“As much as I wanted you to open your mind and give Kevin a chance, we both know it’s a risk.”

She nodded. “I’ll prepare for that just in case. I may never break through that reserve or the doubts he lives with.” Though she planned to try.

The childhood—and alcoholic father—he rarely mentioned had left him with scars and the sense that he deserved the solitary life he’d created. If his past had formed the man he’d become, Nikki hoped to help reshape his future.

“Wish me luck, Janine.” Because she had the distinct sense she would need it.

* * *

To Nikki’s chagrin, Kevin had made himself scarce over the weekend. She’d left him alone, giving him his last hours of peace and solitude, she thought wryly. Her Friday afternoon doctor’s appointment had been rescheduled for Monday. The shuffle had given Kevin an excuse to hole up in the basement to clean and box some of his aunt’s things.

Nikki didn’t mind. Before she put any sort of plan into action, she wanted the doctor’s permission to get back on her feet. So here she was, sitting beside Kevin in the small office at Planned Parenthood, waiting for the okay that would shift both their lives.

Silence surrounded them, but again, Nikki let him have his way. A false sense of security, she thought, but he didn’t know that. Yet.

A brief knock sounded and the door swung open wide. Dr. Molloy breezed into the room, a smile on her face. “I’m glad to see you two here together.”

Nikki had been through the examination on her own, but Kevin wanted to be present for the discussion. Not only was Nikki grateful for his interest, she also wouldn’t turn down the chance at shared intimacy.

He reached over and grabbed for Nikki’s hand, taking her by surprise. “We’re in this together. Nikki understands that now.”

A rush of pleasure curled inside her stomach. Careful, she warned herself. She could not allow herself to mistake Kevin’s concern over the baby for caring about
her
. She’d have to cultivate those emotions every chance she got, while somehow protecting herself from more pain.

The physician nodded. “Admirable. Too many couples let an unexpected pregnancy drive them apart. But you two seem levelheaded and secure in your relationship now.” She was obviously referring to their first run-in at the clinic—one Nikki would prefer to forget. “I’m glad,” the doctor said.

Kevin squeezed her hand. A overt show of support certainly. An agreement with the doctor? Possibly. Their night together earlier in the week had reinforced the truth: Kevin wasn’t ready to consider a relationship between them.

“So what’s the verdict?” he asked.

Dr. Molloy glanced down at the paperwork on her cluttered desk. “The exam was fine, no problems for the last two weeks. You’re ending your first trimester. I don’t see any reason why you can’t get back on your feet as long as you take care of yourself. Frequent rests and don’t overdo it. No waitressing,” she said pointedly.

“I think Nicole and I have already reached an understanding there.”

Nikki ignored his attempt at asserting control. “I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the pregnancy,” she assured the doctor, whom she’d come to trust.

With a smile, Dr. Molloy closed the manila folder she’d scribbled her notes into. “Any other questions?”

“What’s the policy on…” Kevin cleared his throat. “What I meant to say was, how would you feel about us…” Nikki looked at him, waiting to hear his question.

“You can resume sexual relations any time, no restrictions—except nothing too strenuous,” Dr. Molloy warned them.

The answer was so unexpected, Nikki nearly choked on her own saliva. She coughed and Kevin grabbed her arm. “Are you okay?”

She was fine—she hoped. In all her hopes for the future, she’d forced herself to forget the possibilities of making love with Kevin. But once the doctor put the notion out there, Nikki couldn’t help thinking. About how solid and secure she’d felt in his arms or about the waves of pleasure he was capable of giving.

She wrapped her arms around her chest, as if the small gesture could ward off the sexual awakening. With difficulty, she turned and met his gaze. His cheekbones were flushed with color. At least he’d thrown himself into turmoil too. “Did you get the correct answer?” she asked.

“No, but I like the one I got,” he murmured, soft enough for only her to hear. His voice was a low growl and her insides turned to mush with a rush of desire.

“I’m sorry. Did I misinterpret the question?” Dr. Molloy asked.

Kevin shifted in his seat “Actually, yes. My concern was very different.”

Some kind of internal radar went off in Nikki’s brain. She couldn’t put her finger on the reason, but Kevin’s flat tone made her wary. So did his sudden shift in body language. Stiff posture, squared shoulders, and clenched jaw. Nikki was certain neither she nor the doctor would like what was to come.

Dr. Molloy clasped her hands and leaned forward in her seat. Did she sense an upcoming problem too? “What can I do for you, Mr. Manning?”

He leaned forward in his seat. “It’s not that I’m questioning your qualifications or abilities.”

“But?”

Nikki shut her eyes, now realizing where he was headed. “Kevin,” she said, clear warning in her tone. Her choice in doctors was a topic they could discuss in private.

The doctor waved her hand. “Let him speak. He’s entitled to his opinion.”

“However wrong it may be,” Nikki muttered.

“I haven’t voiced one yet,” he said. “Look, forgive me for any inherent bias, but we’re in a clinic in an area far from where Nikki now lives. As far as I can tell, she’s got a risky pregnancy.”

“Actually, she doesn’t. What Ms. Welles had is perfectly common among pregnant women. We restrict their activity as a precaution and to avoid miscarriage. Though there are schools of thought that say if a miscarriage was going to occur, bed rest couldn’t stop it.”

“Regardless, there’s another school of thought that adheres to the expression
the best money can buy
. It’s not that I question your abilities, but I wonder whether a private doctor would…”

“Charge a higher price that I can’t afford, for one thing.” Nikki rose from her seat and turned to face him. “Are you nuts? I thought we agreed to let me live my own life. And here you are, questioning my choices in front of my doctor. Gee, that shows a lot of faith.”

“I believe I said I
wondered
whether a private doctor couldn’t offer you more. I was asking Dr. Molloy’s opinion, not questioning your choices. You made an excellent decision to come here. Under the circumstances,” Kevin said.

“Excuse me.” Dr. Molloy cleared her throat “Didn’t I mention that stress isn’t good for mother or child?”