So Much It Hurts (28 page)

The fire of lust burned on my lips, craving more from him. I felt vulnerable as the warmth of his kiss, once again, radiated throughout my body. Slowly, I lifted my hands and cupped the back of his neck while my fingers gently tousled his soft black hair. He nibbled his way down to my neck. My body trembled at the touch of his lips on my delicate skin.

Chris stopped kissing me and looked solemnly into my eyes. He spoke with pure honesty in his voice, “You are amazing. You never saw that quality about yourself, but I did. Besides my dad, you were the only person who made me
want
to make better choices in my life. Honestly, when I looked at you, I saw my future.”

My breath caught in my throat as I felt the tiny fissure of my heart crack wide open at his admission. The intimacy of the moment stirred tears in me, and I couldn’t stop them from spilling out.

Through my tears I managed to respond. “I wanted so badly for you to be a part of it, but life moved on after you left. Life shuffled me through each day. I eventually got married, and I have one of the most wonderful, beautiful children I could ever ask for. I’m so grateful for him. I really am happy with my life. I love my family with all my heart. I guess life comes with its share of heartaches, and you were just one of those for me. Over the years I have learned to accept that fact. But
, not once
, did I ever stop loving you—not for one second.”

Utter confusion crossed Chris’s face; his eyes were wide with shock. “You loved me?”

I nodded. “I couldn’t say it back then. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t. I did love you, though. I fell for you so fast, it scared me. Also, knowing my situation with
him
, I was afraid. I was scared to admit just how much I loved you, but I did know. I knew when I drove away that night that I would
never stop
loving you.”

He blinked back the tears threatening to overflow his eyes. Pulling me toward him, he kissed me gently on the forehead. His voice thick with overwhelming emotion, he whispered, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you.”

He softly caressed my skin with his thumbs as he held my face in his hands, wiping the tears as they slid down my cheeks. With a tenderness I had not felt in quite some time, he gently touched his lips to mine. The salty taste of tears slid down my throat. My body ignited with a sweet passion that reminded me of the innocent love we had for each other nearly eight and a half years ago. Softly, yet with lustful intensity, his lips pressed against mine and kissed me with wanton hunger. A delicious slip of his tongue into my mouth tantalized my taste buds with a hint of his minty flavor. The rhythmic movement of his tongue in my mouth triggered a flittering response that rippled its way down my body. My heart fluttered in my chest, and my stomach quaked with burning desire.

Swiftly, he stood up from the couch and lifted me into his arms. Carrying me into the bedroom, he gently laid me on the bed. He pulled a lighter from his pocket and quickly lit the candles on the nightstand. I watched lustfully as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. Strong muscles deeply defined their shape on his rippled stomach. His tanned skin glistened in the candlelight. His biceps flexed as he reached out to slowly unbutton my shirt. I trembled nervously.
Is this really happening? Should I let this be happening?

Tossing my shirt to the floor, he whispered breathlessly, “I want you, Kaitlyn. I want you like my lungs
need
air.”

Crawling onto the bed and lying beside me, he gently ran his lips across my shoulders. His hands caressed the skin on my back and I shivered with excitement. Holding me close, his bare, perfectly formed chest touched mine. The heat of his skin stirred my senses and exhilarated me. He pulled my pants off me and tossed them carelessly to the floor with the rest of his clothes. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned, trailing his fingers over the delicate skin around my navel.

“Yes,” I purred, searching his dark irises that swirled with longing and passion for me.

“Good,” he winked. “Now get over here.” He pulled my body closer to him. Propping himself up beside me on one elbow, his fingers lightly traced my skin from my stomach all the way up the length of my body to my face. Gently brushing my hair away from my forehead and caressing the skin on my cheek with the edge of his thumb, he said, “I can’t tell you how amazing this weekend has been. Seeing you here has messed with my head. God, what I would give for you to stay here with me. You’re the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. I can’t explain it, Kaitlyn. I don’t even understand it myself. All I know is that I loved you then, and seeing you here this weekend has fucked me up inside.” He teased my skin with the tantalizing circular motions of his fingers, which drove me crazy with desire. “And now, you’re here with me in this bed, and I’m touching you like this. You have no idea what it’s doing to me.”

He was wrong. I knew exactly what it was doing to him. I knew because I felt it pulsing against my thigh. “Mmmhmm.” I closed my eyes with a mischievous grin spreading across my face. If only he knew what it was doing to
me
; only I think he knew. The closer his hand got to the lower half of my body, the more I bucked my hips toward the gentle pressure of his fingers as they danced their way across my sensitive skin, causing seismic shock waves of sexual tension rippling their way down my core, screaming for a euphoric release. “I do know, and I like it.” I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. His stormy eyes were filled with heady appetite.

“You’re so fucking beautiful. I just can’t take it.” He leaned down and kissed me again, pressing me hard against the pillow behind my head. I welcomed the feel of his deliciously soft lips on mine as we sucked and nipped at each other with sensual passion. I felt him thrust himself against me; the enticing sensation of his aching desire continued to throb against my hip.

Pulling back, I panted, “I’ve waited so long for this. I need you, Chris.” With a faint smile on my lips, I closed my eyes, anticipating the moment—a moment for which I knew my body had yearned for every bit of eight years and five months, almost to the day.

He rolled on top of me and kissed me again, breathing me in as if he were trying to connect our souls. I welcomed the taste of him, savoring the moment before our bodies united. His eyes were wide open, watching me kiss him back. We stared at each other, cherishing the beautiful moment our hearts had longed for all these years.

He positioned himself, and I gasped as I felt him slide himself into me. I exhaled a sigh of both relief and pleasure while he released a low tantalizing moan that started deep within his chest. I welcomed the feeling of him as he gently thrust himself into me.
Oh god, this feels so different.
Everything about him felt so different. A brief moment of guilt zipped through my conscience. I didn’t know if I should panic and run, or clutch him tighter and appreciate the sensation of our linked bodies.

I guess the look on my face gave it away, because Chris asked, “Are you okay, baby? Do you wanna stop?”

I shook my head. My heart ached with intense passion for him as I focused on him watching me, acutely aware of every transient emotion that crossed my face. “I’m okay.” I smiled and wrapped my legs around him to prove it.

He kissed me with a deep probing kiss that caused my stomach to quiver and ripple its way down my body, awakening the most sensitive areas. Never closing his eyes, he held my gaze as we continued to make love by the flickering candlelight. We enjoyed exploring each other’s bodies, appreciating every passing minute of our experience together. We took turns taking control, finding new and exciting positions neither of us had experienced before. Neither of us in a hurry, we savored every moment and welcomed every second of intensifying ecstasy that built up within us. I never wanted the feeling to end—the feeling of our connected souls through our linked bodies. After a while, the moment of pure intensity was upon us, and Chris pumped harder and faster in response to the tightening he felt from my body. Every nerve ending inside me ignited as he rocked his hips into me. I bucked against him and relished the sensitive tingling my body felt from each exhilarating thrust.

“Oh Chris,” I moaned, in response to the quickening of my swollen bundle of nerves that threatened to burst with shuddering delight. I closed my eyes, anticipating the moment that was swiftly building inside me.

“Look at me, baby,” Chris whispered. “I wanna watch you.”

I opened my eyes as his final thrust caused the wave of euphoria to crest and topple inside me—a blissful quaking that took my breath away. Chris moaned, lost in his own mounting release. A moment later, he grunted and surged inside me, enjoying his own sublime undulation.

Our bodies trembled with lingering aftershocks as we cuddled beneath the blankets, clinging to our delirium as long as possible. Chris cradled me in the crook of his arm while I rested my head on his chest. He gently stroked my arm, and our breaths synchronized.

The silence spoke words neither of us was willing to say out loud.
This was it. Goodbye. Again.

Letting our bodies relax in each other’s arms, we both slowly drifted off to sleep.

Before long, rays of sunshine peeked through the curtains and splashed onto my face.

No! It can’t be morning already!

I was alone in the bed. I opened my eyes and looked around the room, trying to get my bearings.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

I glanced toward the sound of his voice. Chris was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, dressed only in a pair of faded jeans, exposing his bare chest in the soft sunbeam that poured through the curtains.

I bolted up and wrapped the sheets around me, feeling embarrassed in broad daylight and realizing that my clothes had been tossed somewhere on the floor the night before. “What are you doing?” I asked, suddenly aware of the inevitable rat’s nest that occurred overnight in my hair. I ran my fingers through it trying to smooth the crazy bed head.

“Watching you sleep,” he admitted with a sexy grin. He propped his feet up on the edge of the bed and lifted the steaming hot mug of coffee to his lips, winking at me before taking a sip.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked, rubbing my sleepy eyes with the palms of my hands.

“You looked so peaceful. Besides, you’re beautiful when you sleep.” He tilted the corner of his mouth up in a half-smile, then took another sip of coffee.

I squinted my eyes at the piercing sliver of daylight that shone through the crack in the curtains. “It’s morning already,” I pouted. “I’m not ready to leave yet.”

Setting the coffee down on the floor, he strode over to my side of the bed. “I’m not ready for you to leave either.” He reached his hand out to me. Gently pulling me out of bed, he wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tight. “I want you to stay. I really, really want you to stay.”

“I can’t—”

“I know.”

“I can’t do that to Eli. He is my life.”

“I know. That’s why I’m not asking you to stay. You have a family.”

Tears had already pooled in my eyes and threatened to fall.

“Promise me this,” he said. “When we’re old and gray and widowed, promise me you’ll look me up in the nursing home so we can finally be together.” He grinned at me.

I couldn’t help but smile back, blinking back my tears.

“I promise,” I affirmed, boldly trying to hold it together. “But, for now, I gotta find some mouthwash.”

He laughed and kissed my forehead. “I’d take you, morning breath and all.”

“Hush,” I teased and playfully pushed him away, making a quick getaway to the bathroom.

Chris was sitting on the sofa flipping through the channels on the television when I stepped out of the bathroom. I quickly managed to swish my mouth with the complimentary mouthwash I’d found on the bathroom counter, run a comb through my hair, and apply a little lip gloss in record time. “Wow,” he said when I stepped into the living room. “Are you sure you have to leave now?” he asked with a wink.

“Unfortunately,” I sighed.

He stood up and walked over to me, reaching out for me. I let him encompass me with his warm embrace. “Kaitlyn, I will never forget you. I will never forget this moment, your beautiful face, or the love we made last night. Thank you for coming to see me. In some ways it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, but saying goodbye to you—
again—
is the hardest thing I have ever done.” His voice cracked on his final word, just as the first tear fell.

“Oh, Chris, I thought I’d never forgive myself if I came to see you last night. But honestly, I think if I had walked away without seeing you, I would have regretted it the rest of my life. I’m not sure how I will process all of this, especially since I’m going back home to my husband and my son. I can tell you this…I will never, ever forget you or the way I feel this very moment.”