So Much It Hurts (17 page)

“You guys wanna go hiking with us this weekend?” Allison asked me at lunch the next day.

“Who? Me and Trevor?”

“Of course!”

“I don’t know, Allison,” I shrugged as I twisted the cap on my water bottle to open it.

“Awww, come on!” she begged, puckering her lip out with a pout. She looked at me with her innocent doe eyes and sweetly batted her eyelashes.

I firmly shook my head. “Trevor and I are not even on speaking terms right now.”

“I know he’s not perfect, Kaitlyn. I know he could tone it down in the anger department sometimes, but you and Trevor are meant for each other. I can’t even picture you with anyone else. He really does love you. Eric says he talks about you all the time. He even told me that Trevor was crying in the locker room yesterday before practice. I mean, for a guy to cry in front of his friends, you know he’s totally whipped. Besides, it will be a lot of fun. We were thinking of taking a picnic lunch and hiking up to see the waterfalls. The weather will be perfect.”

Stunned, I nearly let the water bottle slip from my hand. “Wait. He was crying?” I asked, cocking my head to the side and cutting my eyes suspiciously at her.

“Yeah. Eric said all Trevor kept saying was ‘I lost her, man. I screwed up! I lost her!’ He’s got it bad, Kaitlyn.”

I couldn’t believe it. Trevor was crying over me? My heart pricked a little at the thought of it.

“So, about this weekend? Are you guys in?” Allison asked hopefully.

After the comment Blake made in math class about being
alone
, and my argument with my mom about having no contact whatsoever with Chris, what other choice did I have? Deep down I didn’t want to, but I could feel myself caving. You can’t just spend two years of your life with someone and walk away that easily. I didn’t know
how
to live without him. Hell, I didn’t know how to be alone
at all
. Letting go wasn’t as simple as it sounded. Why couldn’t I just walk away? Trust me, it was a question I’d asked myself more times than I could count. That’s the thing about an abusive relationship—it’s a vicious cycle that you feel like you can’t escape. It’s similar to getting toppled by a wave in the ocean and sucked into its strong current. You’re tumbling out of control just below the water’s surface while you scramble to get your footing. No matter how hard you writhe and kick, you just can’t seem to free yourself before your lungs start burning for oxygen. Eventually, you lose the will to fight; it’s easier to ride the current than fight against it. I felt myself slipping back into the same old routine of riding the current, and I despised myself for it. “I guess,” I said with an exasperated huff.

Allison pumped her fist into the air. “Yes!” she said happily. Within an instant she was texting Eric with excitement. “Trevor will be one happy guy today!” she exclaimed.

I sighed inwardly.
At least one person would be happy today.

Trevor grabbed me up in a big bear hug as soon as he met me at my locker. “I knew you’d come around,” he said. “Kaitlyn, you just made me the happiest guy in the whole school. I love you so much!”

“Remember your promise,” I reminded him.

“Scout’s honor,” he said solemnly. “You are the only girl I want. I promise. I swear I will never lay a hand on you again. You mean too much to me.”

Trevor walked me toward my next class with his arm around my waist. I caught a glimpse of Chris standing at the water fountain as we rounded the corner. A look of disappointment immediately spread across his face. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he stared at me with an unexplainable look of— sadness? Hurt? Anger?
Oh, how I wish I could make him understand!

I knew it had been my choice to take Trevor back, but how could I explain to Chris that I didn’t really have any other option? Everything was at stake! The whole school was waiting for me, the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad and All-American girl-next-door, to screw up. I could
not
let my parents down. They had already forbidden me to have anything to do with Chris, and would be disappointed if they found out I disobeyed them. My teachers were all busy writing my letters of recommendation for college. How would I explain to everyone, who wouldn’t take the time to understand anyway, why I was hanging out with Chris King, the ex-convict whose dad went to prison for dealing drugs? No, I had no other choice.

Chris held me captive with his stare as I walked toward the classroom door. I held onto his gaze as long as possible imploring him to see my silent explanation. I longed to go talk to him—to beg him to understand. He stood motionless by the water fountain. At that moment, I felt like we were the only two people in the world. Tearing myself away, I reluctantly walked into my Advanced Math class and took my seat. Trevor blew me a kiss as he walked away. My stomach lurched with nausea.
What have I done?

Later that day, I considered ditching Theatre Arts class. My heart couldn’t take seeing Chris again. The only thing that kept me from skipping was the possibility of being able to explain everything to him. I walked into Theatre Arts with my head hung shamefully. I was so afraid to face him. When I sat down, his seat was empty; I waited anxiously. Chris was laughing when he stepped into the class.

“Later, man!” he called to one of his buddies. Turning his head, he caught a glimpse of me; instantly, his smile faded. Recovering quickly, he coolly took his seat next to me. “‘Sup?” he mumbled with a slight nod of his head.

“Hi,” I said nervously, feeling totally unsure of myself and scared to look him in the eye.

Leaning back in his seat and claiming his space as usual, he asked, “You okay?”

“I guess,” I answered with a shrug of my shoulder. Couldn’t he see that I was completely broken inside—existing as a hollow shell of a person, just trying to live my life peacefully?

“Good,” he said. A tiny smile reassured me that at least he didn’t hate me.

“Chris, are you prepared to sing Sky Masterson’s part of
I’ll Know
today?” Ms. Carducci asked, putting him on the spot.

“Absolutely, Ms. Carducci!” he affirmed with a wink. Chris sauntered to the front of the room, grabbing a guitar from the corner of the room. He pulled up a stool and plopped down, propping the guitar on his lap.

Looking directly at me, he began his song. His soft tone caressed me like a mink blanket snuggled against my cheek. He sang from the deepest corner of his heart, crooning about knowing when his love came along. His eyes bored holes into mine as he reached deeply into my soul with a longing only I could understand. His voice rang out that he would know the moment he saw her that he had met his true love, and at that moment it seemed all he saw was—
me
.

His words pierced my soul and took away all the pain my heart had suffered. It was in that moment I realized I was falling in love with him, although according to Allison, I wasn’t even supposed to know his name.

The class sat silently, awestruck by his impressive baritone. Even Ms. Carducci seemed to be at a loss for words. He just sat on the stool, guitar in hand, and kept his eyes focused on mine as if we were the only two people in the room.

Finally, Ms. Carducci spoke up. “That was fantastic, Chris!” she exclaimed and began clapping her hands.

The rest of the class joined in the applause. I could hear whistles and shouts of ‘wow!’ and ‘awesome!’ and ‘that rocked!’ from several students.

Chris thanked the class and made his way back to his seat. Several girls giggled and blushed as he walked by them. He never even noticed.

Class resumed and I felt sure that Chris felt as lost in thought as I did. I saw him jot something down on a small piece of paper. When the bell rang, he jumped up and tossed the folded paper in my direction and headed out the door. Carefully, I opened it up. It read:

I thought I felt the earth shake around me as my heart violently broke in half. I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand up. If I did stand up, I knew my legs would be more shaky than the ground beneath them. I highly doubted I could even make it through the rest of the day. Of course I
knew
! I had known from the moment our eyes met outside by the gym that day! Openly, my tears revealed the truth my heart already knew. Chris and I lived in two different worlds. Two worlds that would never—could never—join together. I folded the paper and stuffed it into the bottom of my shoe. Trevor would never see it hidden there. I was not letting go of the only thing that connected me to Chris King.

I regained my composure knowing that Trevor would be waiting for me after class. I hoped he wouldn’t be able to read the pain in my eyes. I took a deep breath when I saw him leaning against my locker. He reached out for me as soon as I got close enough to him. Robotically, I gave him a cold, indifferent hug in return, praying he wouldn’t take notice.

“So, are you excited about our hike this weekend?” he asked, oblivious.

“Sure,” I deadpanned, refusing to make direct eye contact with him.

“Good! Wear a white T-shirt,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

Raising an eyebrow, I speculated, “Why?”

“Just in case it rains,” he smirked. His wink left me repulsed.

Puh-lease. Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.
I just rolled my eyes at him.

“I gotta go to practice. I’ll see you later,” I grumbled, turning around and practically sprinting for the nearest exit.

Later that evening I got an instant message from Chris.

ChrisRocknrollKing: Y didnt u tell me u decided to take Trevor back?

Cheerchick88: U wouldnt understand

ChrisRocknrollKing: I couldnt help but feel like I was singing that song just 4 u 2day. U have been on my mind all afternoon. U r all I think about anymore.

Cheerchick88: I cant stop thinking about u either

ChrisRocknrollKing: Then why r u still with Trevor?

Cheerchick88: Pls dont be mad. I just cant explain it. If only u knew how I felt! I wish things could be different. I really do.