Snow Angels (12 page)

‘What?’

‘Do you love her?’

‘I don’t see what it is to do with you.’

‘You belong to me!’

She said it so loudly that Gil look around in alarm, but there was no one near. Recklessly, she put one hand into his hair and began to kiss him. Gil did not remember a kiss having tasted better. He wanted to stop her, but he couldn’t. He drew her into the nearest empty room, a sitting-room, and there he said to her, ‘I don’t belong to you nor you to me.’

‘I missed you. Venice is a place for lovers.’

‘You love Edward.’

‘He doesn’t love me.’

‘He’s your husband,’ Gil said flatly, ‘and he beds you, isn’t that right?’

‘He does his duty.’ Her words sounded so bitter and she stumbled over the next ones. ‘You may as well know now – I’m having a child.’

‘A child?’

‘Edward’s child. For all his … lack of interest, he managed that.’

‘Well then.’

‘I miss you so much. I kept thinking what it would have been
like there with you. It would have been heaven. Do you still love me?’

‘There’s no good in my loving you.’

‘But do you?’

‘You know I do. I always will.’

‘What a foolish thing life is and what tricks God plays on us.’ She came closer to him so that her breath was sweet and warm on his face. ‘You can’t marry Rhoda Carlisle. She’s off the moor-tops.’

‘I shall have to marry someone. I can’t lead the rest of my life like this.’

‘Not her. Please. I don’t think I can bear it. I’ll have to lie there alone at night and you’ll be with her.’

‘That’s what I do.’

‘But Edward’s hardly with me. You could be with me.’

‘You can’t treat me like that. I can’t spend the rest of my life living just for being in your bed sometimes, watching you with Edward the rest of the time. You do love him, I can see it in your eyes. You can’t want that for me, even if you don’t love me. It isn’t right. If you care for me even just a little, let me go.’

‘What am I to do?’ Helen said. ‘There should be a time for us, I know there should. I’m so lonely and I missed you so very much. I can’t live in this house with you married to another woman, not after what you’ve been to me. You make love to me as though you’ll never have the chance again, as though it’s always the first and last time. Don’t do it, please.’

‘Helen, I have to try.’

‘No!’ She cried and clung and kissed him and pleaded and begged. It reminded Gil somewhat of that day when he had tried to persuade Abby to marry him. He blamed her still for his unhappiness. Living without Abby was like this room, empty and cool; he was moving around, falling over things all the time, clutching at anything which he found, from despair. He somehow had to put Helen from him physically and mentally and it
was no good. In the end, she ran out of the room and up the stairs and finished her battle alone. He went along the hall in search of Rhoda.

When it came time for her to leave, Gil panicked. He did not want to be left there with Edward and Helen together and the longest ever nights. Rhoda had kept the edge from the loneliness and he did not want her to go. They walked in the quarry garden along to the ruined castle. From there they could look back across the fields to the house. It was late evening, well after dinner and everything was silent and still.

‘You’ll come back soon,’ Gil said.

‘If I’m allowed.’

‘Are you afraid of Mr Allsop?’

Rhoda didn’t answer.

‘Has he done something?’

‘No,’ she said hastily, ‘at least no more than many men. He can’t replace my father and my mother prefers him, I can see that she does. I don’t think she loved my father half as much as she does this man and he is – he’s unworthy. He’s … uneducated and uncultured, so stupid that he doesn’t realise it and he knows I despise him and yet—’

‘And yet?’

Rhoda looked at him from narrowed eyes.

‘He thinks that young women like him. He’s old – at least old compared to men your age but he … he actually thinks that I desire him, whereas he disgusts and revolts me. His stomach sticks out and his hair is thinning and he drinks too much and he smokes and his breath and clothes—’ Rhoda wrinkled her nose. ‘If he was a kind man, none of that would matter but … I miss my father. Every day of my life I miss him. But I have liked being here with your family.’

‘Enough to come back?’

‘Oh yes. I would give anything to come back.’

‘You don’t have to give anything. You can come back any time.’

‘I love your house and I like your father and mother and Edward and Helen and – and everything.’

Gil moved forward, very slightly. He couldn’t think afterwards why he did it. Rhoda drew back sharply, fell over a rabbit hole in the grass and landed awkwardly. Gil got down to help. She was trembling and trying not to cry.

‘I didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘You didn’t. It was just … I don’t want to go and leave you. I’ll miss you. You’re the first man who’s been kind to me since my father—’

‘Rhoda, look.’ Gil sat down beside her in the grass. ‘I know it isn’t how it should be but … we get on very well. If we got married, you wouldn’t ever have to go home again.’

She was shocked by the idea, Gil could see. He was shocked himself, but he had to find a way out of his life as it was. A struggle went on behind her eyes, but she agreed. He had not expected, either, that he would be so happy when Rhoda said she would marry him. It made everything so much better straight away. When they went back to the house and announced it, Edward clapped him on the back, his mother cuddled Rhoda, but it was his father’s reaction which satisfied Gil most. He said, ‘Well done, lad!’ and he told Rhoda she was the bonniest lass in the county.

Helen did congratulate them, though stiffly.

The reaction from Rhoda’s mother was positive and after that either Gil went to Allendale Town to stay for the weekend or Rhoda came to Bamburgh House. Gil had long since decided that he disliked Jos Allsop and spending time at the square, stone, dales house was not a pleasant experience. He imagined that it could have been if Rhoda’s father had been alive.

Allendale Town was very pretty, the countryside around it two dales, the valleys of the Rivers East Allen and West Allen. The rivers went for a short distance before meeting the river South Tyne at Allen Banks, but each made its own way, separated by the moors that surrounded the town, a monument
to the lead mining industry which had been its mainstay for a hundred years.

Rhoda had lived there all her life and knew everybody, but life inside her home was bleak. Allsop drank. He made good use of all the pubs in Allendale and there were many of them. When he came home, those who were wise kept their distance. Gil was unlucky enough to meet up with him outside the Rose and Crown in High Street.

‘You’re a brave one,’ Jos said as he staggered into the road, ‘marrying that. Her dowry’s the warmest thing about Rhoda. You’ll get nothing from her. Like the January snow she is, pretty but too cold to touch.’

Gil had to remind himself that he was staying in this man’s house and went off without saying anything.

They walked up on the moors and Rhoda was always ahead of him, dashing here and there to show him a special place that she cared for, her favourite view or a stream almost as brown as her eyes. She knew the names of the birds and the flowers. She could pick her way easily as though she knew every inch of the land. He liked to stand and watch her, slender with her brown hair blowing about. She reminded him of a young deer, moving surely, quite at home, and she was happy there, looking back from time to time and smiling or pointing ahead at something she had seen. Sometimes she would let him catch her up, but mostly she preferred to go on ahead so Gil would slacken his pace and let her show him the moors. He came to understand that she felt safe with him and it made him feel good to get something right. He bought a ring for her finger. Its pretty green stone suited her and Rhoda could hide behind that. Nobody could touch her.

*

That autumn as Helen grew fat, Edward began once again to go out almost every night and William complained with just the three of them in the dining-room after dinner, when Edward tried to excuse himself.

‘By God, you’re not excused. Where are you going?’

‘I’m going for a game of billiards. Do you mind?’ Edward spoke softly, but Gil knew that he was most unhappy at being questioned.

‘I do mind, yes. It’s the third time in four nights. We have a billiard-room here. You can play against Gil.’

‘He doesn’t play my game,’ Edward said, looking at the door.

‘And what game is that?’

‘You wouldn’t understand.’ Suddenly he looked at his father and there was anger in his face. ‘I’ve given you an heir for God’s sake, what more do you want?’ And he left the room.

William was as white as the tablecloth and almost immediately went off to his study. Gil couldn’t help feeling rather left out because Edward no longer asked him to go. What William didn’t know was that quite often Edward didn’t come home.

At weekends when Rhoda was there, he did stay at home or they all went out together. It was a happy time. Gil’s father generously gave him a fortnight’s holiday towards the end of the summer, Rhoda stayed the full time and they had picnics by the river and sat out in the garden under the trees. Helen had accepted that he would marry Rhoda and chose to make a friend of the other girl. They went shopping and came back with all manner of exciting things. There were parties both at their house and at friends’ homes, expeditions to the seaside and even a short break at Warkworth just beside Amble, staying with friends.

‘Doesn’t your father like Warkworth?’ Rhoda ventured when William had told them he didn’t understand the foolishness of wanting to go there.

‘He was born at Amble. My grandparents were very modest people.’

Rhoda insisted on finding them in the graveyard, which Gil had wanted to do but hadn’t liked to mention. Someone, his father probably, he thought, had erected a huge marble angel at the head of their plot.

‘Dear me,’ Rhoda said, ‘it stands out, doesn’t it?’ And she betrayed herself with a giggle.

‘It’s typical of him,’ Gil fumed. ‘He ignored them when they were here and insulted them by this monstrosity when they were dead.’

‘He probably didn’t mean to.’

‘How can you defend him?’

‘He’s your father. He’s very nice to me. I wish my father was still here.’

For the first time in weeks and quite disloyally, he knew, Gil thought of Abby. Abby was probably the only person who understood the relationship that he had with his father. He missed her. He had tried to stop thinking about her after she had married Robert Surtees and gone away, but the memories of her were good and sometimes made him smile. He was glad that she was happy. She deserved to be.

The emerald ring on Rhoda’s hand glittered. Abby had read or heard that the darker the stone, the more expensive it was and the emerald was so dark that it was almost black with green glints, subtle and as rich as velvet.

‘It’s nice, isn’t it?’ Rhoda said shly and Abby hugged her.

‘You could have told me!’ she said. ‘You could have written.’

‘I wanted to surprise you.’

‘You have. Oh Rhoda, I’m so pleased for you. It’s a wonderful ring. Who is the lucky man?’

‘Gil Collingwood.’

Abby’s heart fell. It really did, she felt it. She was jealous and upset to realise that not only did she not want Gil, she didn’t want anybody else to have him. No, that was not quite true. She didn’t want anyone she knew anywhere near him, so that she had to hear the details about the relationship and Rhoda was her closest friend. Abby wished she could shout at Gil. In a way it was as though they had both betrayed her, somehow, stolen one another away from her. Her sense of justice rescued her, but it was difficult to sound enthusiastic.

‘Gil?’

‘Yes, why not?’

They were in the sitting-room of Rhoda’s home, Abby had called as soon as she got back. She was pleased to see Rhoda
looking so much better but now that she knew the cause of it, pleasure was hard to pretend.

‘No reason, it’s just … I didn’t think it. He’s … well, not your style, I thought.’

‘I had to get away. I had to get out.’ Rhoda glanced at the door as though someone might come bursting in at any moment, but it remained peaceful.

‘You don’t love him then?’

‘I couldn’t love any man.’ And Rhoda shuddered. ‘Mind you, I do find that I like him. He doesn’t try to grab me, though I was convinced that he would, and he is rather fetching, don’t you think? So tall and good-looking. He’s a gentleman too. I didn’t know that. Kind and generous,’ Rhoda said, moving her finger so that the emerald glittered.

‘Does he love you?’

‘No. No, I don’t think so. His parents like me and of course they like my money.’

‘That’s very cynical.’

‘I don’t mind. He’s not boring, either. Men do tend to be boring. I think he’s clever.’

‘Clever, Gil?’

‘I think he is. We’re going to America.’

‘America?’

‘He has been … what’s the word … “negotiating” … with a shipping line to build an enormous ship and after we’re married we’re going to America with the head of the shipping line and his wife and if Gil is clever enough, Collingwood’s will get to build the ship. So he will be doing lots of work and seeing important people in New York, but I’m inclined to think it will be glamorous.’

Abby was inclined to think so too and the sting of envy hit her like a train. It was stupid and illogical and she tried to dismiss it, but what she most missed about having a husband who didn’t work was the excitement of industry, the problems, the tensions, the possibilities. She had never thought that not working might
be dull, but it was. The days were not enlivened by talk that mattered, because nothing mattered except births, deaths and marriages. The rest was gossip.

Why should not Gil and Rhoda be happy?

‘Do you remember me saying that I would have a shop? You said it wasn’t respectable. This is and I like his family. I like being there.’

‘Bamburgh House is hideous.’