Small-Town Redemption (23 page)

“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” she said lightly, her voice a bit sleepy. “Seeing as how I have nothing to compare it to.”

He frowned. Realized that, eventually, she would have something to compare this to. They weren’t forever. They weren’t even exclusive for right now. If he let her go,
when
he let her go, she’d find someone else, another man to make love to her, to touch her and make her come, to hear the sounds she made. Some other lucky bastard who’d get to hold her afterward and see her smile.

Kane rolled her onto her back. Her eyes flew open. She laughed. “What...?”

He kissed her and, for the next hour, did his damnedest to prove that despite his words, when it came to what they’d just shared, nothing else would ever come close.

* * *

K
ANE
WOKE
SLOWLY
, the morning sun shining in his eyes. He rolled over, brushed against a soft, warm weight.

Charlotte.

He pulled her closer, kept his hand on her hip. She sighed. “G’morning,” she murmured, her eyes still closed.

He kissed her. “Good morning.” Then, because she was warm and sleepy and sexily rumpled, he kissed her again.

And again. And again. Soon their bodies heated, their breathing grew ragged. She was so soft, so sweet. He wasn’t used to sweet, wasn’t sure it was something he wanted to be around too often. It could mess with a man’s head, make him think stupid thoughts. Make him believe someone cared about him enough to put him above their own needs or welfare.

He knew better.

But he couldn’t let her go. Not yet.

He tugged her over so she straddled him.

She nibbled on her lower lip, placed her hands on his chest for support. “Are you sure about this?”

He grinned. “Positive.” He covered himself with a condom, then lifted his pelvis. It only took a moment for her to catch on and she slid up and down his length. She quivered. Gasped.

“Lift your hips,” he told her, hating that he couldn’t do it himself, couldn’t grab hold of her as he wanted.

She rose onto her knees. Fast learner that she was, she gently wrapped her hand around him and guided him inside her. He watched her face as she lowered her hips, her mouth opened, her eyes dark.

“What...what should I do?” she asked when he was firmly embedded in her tight heat.

His groan turned into a laugh. “Whatever feels good.”

Her forehead wrinkling in concentration, she moved forward. Then back. He arched, shut his eyes against how good it felt. He didn’t want to rush her, didn’t want to take anything away from another first experience.

Her pace was slow. Steady. It about killed him. But she took his advice, kept working him, her face glowing with pleasure, her skin heating.

Her breasts swayed, her face flushed. “I...I think...I want to go faster.”

God, but she was something. Innocent and so sexy at the same time. “Are you sure?” He licked one taut nipple. “Maybe what you really want is me deeper?”

He lifted his hips. Her eyes widened. She licked her lips. “Yes, that’s...that’s good but I think...maybe if I just...”

She dropped to her elbows, pumped her hips faster. Harder. He met her thrust for thrust. Their bodies grew slick with sweat. She pressed her face to the crook of his neck, her breathing ragged. He knew she had to be close, wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out on his own orgasm.

He turned his head, captured her mouth in a heated kiss, one where he tried to tell her everything he was feeling, everything he thought about her. She pulled away, began making those sexy noises that told him she was close to coming.

She straightened, her hips pumping, her fingertips trailing against his stomach. “Oh...oh...” Her eyes darkened and she held his gaze as she came, her body tightening around him.

Knowing he’d never see anything more beautiful in his life, he followed her over the edge.

She collapsed on top of him, her heart racing against his. After catching her breath, she lifted her head. What he saw in her eyes humbled him.

Terrified him.

He knew what was coming before she spoke, but he couldn’t find the strength to stop her.

“I love you.”

Her words were like a cold dose of reality, one he didn’t want to face. Not now. Not ever.

But it was too late.

“You don’t love me.”

She slowly sat up, moved away from him. He immediately missed her warmth. “You mean you don’t want me to love you,” she said, her voice shaking.

A muscle in his jaw worked. He sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed, his back to her. “You don’t love me,” he repeated. “We’re...”

“Oh, no. Please, go on. We’re...what? Friends with benefits? Sex buddies?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, yanking on his jeans from last night, not bothering to button them. When he turned, he found she’d already put on her bra, was sliding on that tiny skirt. He wanted to rip it off again, to go back to the way they’d been last night. The way they’d been a few minutes ago.

“You don’t want to love me,” he said as she tugged on her shirt. “I’m not the guy you’re looking for.”

“You’re the guy I want. And what do you mean, not the guy I’m looking for? I want a man to be my partner. Someone who’s caring and generous. Who makes me laugh. Makes me think. Who pushes me to be better. Stronger. Who encourages me to take risks.” She crossed to him, laid her hands flat against his chest. His heart tripped. “You may not be the man I always thought I wanted, but you’re the one I want now. Don’t push me away because you think it’s best for me.”

* * *

C
HAR
HELD
HER
BREATH
. Under her fingers, Kane’s heart beat quickly. She did that. Made his heart trip, like he did hers. He had to care for her. He had to. He was doing this as some lame attempt to put her back on her path to her perfect future.

Her perfect future was with him.

“Don’t try to turn this around,” he snarled, his expression darkening. “I’m not some good guy here doing the right thing out of honor or whatever.”

“But you are honorable. Can’t you see that? You’re a wonderful father, have a fabulous relationship with the mother of your child and have spent hours at your sick father’s bedside. The same father you claim you don’t want anything to do with. You want, so badly, to keep separated from everyone and everything, to be isolated emotionally, but you’re not.”

“I’m an addict,” he said harshly. “You can’t ignore that. Can’t pretend my past doesn’t happen.”

“Your past will always be a part of you, but you’re more than your addiction, so much more than your mistakes. Tell me,” she said, turning him so she could swipe her hand across his back, “why did you choose this for one of your tattoos?”

He stiffened. “No reason.”

“Please. You expect me to believe you just happened to spend hours upon hours having a phoenix inked into your back? It’s a symbol for what you’ve gone through. Except you weren’t reborn from flames, you were reborn because you turned your life around. You did that, all on your own.” She laid her hand on his arm, held his gaze. “You’re a good man. You overcame your past and are now a member of this town, you made O’Riley’s bigger and better. You’re more honorable than you think.” She swallowed, knew she had to share with him what was in her heart. “Those are all part of the reasons why I fell in love with you.”

He flinched. The man actually flinched at her declaration. She’d be pissed if her stomach didn’t feel so sick, if a cold sweat hadn’t coated her skin.

He stepped back. Looked hard and unyielding. “It’s just sex.”

“That’s it? Nothing else. No feelings involved?”

“Look, I care about you—”

“Yay. You care about me,” she said flatly. “That is so reassuring. I mean, I just told you I’m in love with you and you...you come back with you care about me? Wow. Talk about putting yourself out there.”

Which was what she was doing. What she always did. And, once again, it was coming back to bite her in the ass. You’d think she’d be used to the pain and disappointment, but this time, this time seemed so much worse.

Like she might not ever recover.

“You’re confused,” he said almost desperately. “You’re messing up sex with feelings.”

“Well, silly me, being so sentimental and emotional when it comes to sex. I’m glad you’re here to set me straight on how and what I feel and how wrong I am about those feelings.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he grumbled. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Look, we’re both tired. Let’s just...talk about this another time.”

Char froze, felt as if everything inside her had turned to ice and one wrong move and she’d shatter into a million pieces. “You really don’t want me.”

“I don’t see any reason for us to go round and round on something that doesn’t matter.”

She laughed harshly. It was either that or curl into a ball and cry like a baby. “I see. So my feelings, my wants, they don’t matter.” She hugged herself, but she was still so cold. “So what happens now? You’ll call me later? We’ll hook up a few times—a few or a dozen, whatever you prefer—and then when you’re tired of me, you’ll just walk away.”

“I’m not in a good place right now for this conversation and I wasn’t...I’m not...looking for a relationship. That was always clear. Families, relationships are nothing but a pain in the ass. Eventually, everyone shows their true colors. Guess you’re just seeing mine sooner rather than later.”

Char hated that Kane saw family—the love and commitment that came with it—as a noose slowly tightening around his neck. “I can show you what it’s like to be a part of a family that loves and respects one another. I can show you how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with a woman who truly loves and respects you. A woman who’ll be by your side no matter what, who’ll support your decisions, cheer you on and be your lover, friend and partner for life. Someone who’ll never walk away from you.” She closed the distance between them, lightly touched his jaw, his cheek and lowered her voice. “Someone like me.”

The panic on his face might have been comical if it didn’t tear her heart out and rip it in two.

He caged her wrists, pulled her hands from him. “I can’t. There’s nothing between us except sex. You’re mixing up attraction with feelings, making more of our physical relationship than what’s really there.”

He believed that. He really, truly believed what he was saying.

That was what hurt the most.

“I can accept that you’re going to stand there and try to reduce what we have to lust,” she said, her voice unsteady, tears stinging her eyes. “That you’re going to deny your feelings.”

He didn’t want her. All of the fears and doubts she’d had since she was a skinny teenager came rushing back.

She opened the door, held it until she could get her thoughts under control. Her feelings. “I can forgive you for not loving me,” she said quietly. “But I’ll never forgive you for hurting me this way.”

She shut the door behind her with a soft click and gave in to her tears as she hurried down the stairs.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Y
OU
CAN
COME
out during Easter break,” Kane told Estelle as they chatted over Skype. She and Meryl were back to normal. As soon as they’d gotten to Houston Meryl had packed up Adam’s things and set them on the curb. Estelle was back in school and she and Pilar had made up.

All was right with his daughter’s world again.

Wish he could say the same for his own life.

“But that’s, like, three weeks from now!”

Estelle wanted to come back to Shady Grove since Senior was going to transfer to a Pittsburgh hospital for his rehab. Why Carrie decided on that instead of sending him back to Houston, Kane had no idea, but it pissed C.J. off but good.

“You’ve already missed two weeks of school,” he reminded her. “Your granddad will understand.”

“I hope so.” She checked her nails, dipped the brush into the nail polish bottle. “I was thinking I could also come out at the beginning of summer.”

“Sure.” He’d put off selling O’Riley’s, at least for the next year or so. He couldn’t live near Estelle, but he could give her that much permanency.

“Maybe I could stay for the whole summer,” she said, looking hopeful.

“You don’t have to do that.” He was worried she felt guilty about not wanting to live with him.

She rolled her eyes. “Duh, Daddy, I want to. It’ll be fun. We can hang out a lot and I can see Andrew and Charlotte again.”

Charlotte. He hadn’t seen her since she’d left his apartment a week ago. For the best, he told himself. She was confused. Thought he was something he wasn’t. Some sort of hero.

A man worthy of her.

“She called me, you know.”

His mouth tightened. “Charlotte called you?”

Estelle nodded. “Two days ago. Said she visited Granddad and he looked a lot better.”

Charlotte had visited his father, then had called his daughter to tell her Senior was looking better.

He didn’t want to think about her, didn’t want to talk about her. Couldn’t fall asleep at night without reliving their lovemaking. Without seeing the hurt in her face before she’d left.

Hurt he’d caused.

I love you.

They were just words. They didn’t mean anything. In a few weeks, she’d move on, go back to looking for her future husband, a doctor or an accountant, someone clean-cut and boring.

Lucky bastard.

She didn’t want Kane. Not really. He had a past and history he was ashamed of, not to mention no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t separate himself fully from his crazy dysfunctional family.

“What if I shut the bar down for a few weeks when you visit,” he said, needing to get Charlotte out of his mind. “We can travel up the coast.”

Estelle’s eyes widened and she clapped her hands. “Yes! Oh, I know. Charlotte can come with us.”

He fisted his good hand. Imagined Charlotte on the beach, her long, lean body in a bikini, a blue one to bring out her eyes. “I’m sure she wouldn’t want to.”

“Of course she would,” Estelle said as if he was an idiot to even doubt it. “Besides, she has a thing for you. I’m sure she’d love to go away with us.”

His daughter had seen that? “Trust me. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with me.”

“You did something,” Estelle said, looking at him with suspicion. “What is it?”

“I didn’t do anything.” Except hurt Charlotte’s feelings. Let her go. No, he hadn’t let her go. He lost her. “Look, there’s nothing going on between me and Charlotte.”

“Oh, my God, she dumped you,” Estelle said, hitting her desk with the palm of her hand. “What did you do?”

“She didn’t dump me. We were never together.”

“Okay, okay. Obviously you messed up,” Estelle continued blithely. “You can get her back. First thing you need to do is send her flowers but, for God’s sake, don’t write the note yourself or you’ll just blow it.” She picked up her phone and started typing. “Let’s see... Dear Charlotte, these flowers don’t compare to your loveliness...” She wrinkled her nose, tapped another button—hopefully the delete button. “No, you’d never use loveliness. She’d see right through that.”

“I’m not sending her flowers—”

“Right. Good idea. Skip right to jewelry. Nothing too showy and nothing as predictable as diamonds.”

“I’m not giving her jewelry, either. There is nothing going on between me and Charlotte. There never was and there never will be so just...drop it.”

“Why not?”

He frowned. “What?”

Estelle rolled her eyes. “Why won’t there ever be anything between you two? It’s obvious you’re into each other.”

“I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“Daddy, please, I’m practically an adult.”

She wasn’t. She was his little girl. Always. “Charlotte and I want different things.”

She wanted a fairy tale and all it ensued—marriage, kids, weekend dinners at the in-laws. Strings and commitments and promises of forever.

He wanted... Hell...he wasn’t even sure anymore. Three weeks ago he would have said freedom. Solitude. But being able to jump on his bike and take off to places unknown didn’t hold the appeal it once had.

And solitude felt more like loneliness.

Estelle shook her head at him disappointingly. “Daddy, I love you, but sometimes...you’re a real idiot.”

She hit a button on her laptop and the screen went blank.

The apartment was eerily quiet after Estelle’s chattering. He went into the kitchen, got a bottle of water from the fridge, opened it but didn’t drink. Stared out the window at the starry sky. Ever since Charlotte left his bed, left his life, last week, he hated being here. Felt trapped in the small rooms, as if the dingy walls were closing in on him.

Everywhere he turned, he saw her. Every night he dreamed of her.

He missed her. More than that, he ached for her, physically ached, as if a piece of himself were missing.

She was an addiction, more dangerous than the one he’d had fourteen years ago, and that one had almost killed him. These feelings he had for her were dangerous. Terrifying. He didn’t love her. Couldn’t.

Loving someone meant trusting them. It was too big of a risk. One he wasn’t strong enough to face.

The truth shuddered through him. He hung his head, squeezing the water bottle so tightly it exploded in his hand. He didn’t move. After everything he’d done, after everything he’d faced, after he’d busted his ass turning his life around he was still nothing but a damned coward. An idiot, as his daughter had so helpfully pointed out.

He didn’t have to keep punishing himself for his past. Didn’t have to be alone.

He could be with Charlotte. Have her by his side, in his bed, in his life. They might not last forever, but however long they did—months, weeks or days—it was better than letting his fears push her out of his life.

It was better than simply letting her get away.

He tossed the bottle into the sink then strode to the door.

And prayed like hell he managed to convince her to give him a second chance.

* * *

C
HARLOTTE
STEPPED
OUT
of her car, still in her scrubs, only to stop when Kane, sitting on the stoop of her back door, straightened and stood.

What was he doing here? Hadn’t he done enough? Hurt her enough? “Skulking around someone’s house is not an attractive trait,” she said, reaching back in for her purse and bag. She swung her purse onto her shoulder, used her key fob to lock her car. “Not to mention it’s just plain creepy.”

“I want to talk to you,” he said as if he had any right to be at her house this early in the morning with his hair all mussed and his snug shirt clinging to his broad shoulders and flat stomach. He had dark circles under his eyes and at least two days’ worth of facial scruff.

She only wished she didn’t find it, didn’t find
him,
so annoyingly appealing.

“Well,” she said, brushing past him so he either had to move out of her way or take an elbow to the ribs, “as I’ve recently learned, we don’t always get what we want.” She unlocked the door and faced him with a mean smile. “Now, all I want is to get inside, get something to eat, shower and maybe read for an hour before I try to get some sleep. So, goodbye.”

He kept the door open easily—too easily—just by holding it. “I want to talk to you, Charlotte.”

“Again, we don’t always—”

“Please,” he said gruffly. Damn him, he knew she couldn’t refuse when he was all polite and his accent came out.

She stepped aside. “You’ll have to talk while I eat,” she said grumpily. “I’m hungry.”

She turned her back to him, set her items on the table then crossed to the cupboard. While he watched her like some scowling, wild-haired poster child for rebels everywhere, she poured herself a bowl of cereal. Scooped up a bite as Kane paced her kitchen. Ignoring him, she sat at the stool at the counter and ate, tried to pretend a big, hulking man wasn’t circling her kitchen like some damned specter of boyfriends past.

She wouldn’t ask why he was here. Told herself she didn’t care, not one bit. Not after he’d hurt her that way. Not after she’d opened up to him. Trusted him with her feelings. So, no. It didn’t matter why he was here or that he more than likely walked the three miles from O’Riley’s just to see her.

She’d have to be a complete and utter fool to let him back in her life. And Lord knew her mother had not raised any fools.

Finally, when she was fishing out the very last of her cereal, he stopped, faced her. “I may have been premature in ending things between us.”

Char snorted. “Uh, you didn’t end anything. If I remember correctly, I did the ending. And I’m pretty sure it was a really good decision. Especially if you came here to try to tell me how you may have made a mistake. May have? Really? Could you get any more indecisive? God.” She stood, rinsed her bowl because there was no way she was going to let that cereal dry on it. “If you came here to waffle about whether or not you want to be with me, you’ve wasted your time and mine. “So,” she continued, pointing rather dramatically toward the door, “since you’re unsure of your feelings for me, I think you should leave. And when those feelings do become clear, please, please do me the courtesy of staying gone because I do not want to go through this again with you ever.”

To her horror, her voice shook, tears threatened. She swallowed them back. She’d cried enough over him the past few days. She refused to do so anymore.

He walked up to her, his face set, and she thought he was going to listen to her, that he was going to do as she asked and leave her be. Instead, he grabbed her shoulders, yanked her to him and kissed the breath from her lungs, the doubts from her mind. She sank into him—how could she not when she’d thought of nothing but him ever since she left him the other day?

But then, thankfully, she found her strength, her resolve, and tore away from him. Shoved him. Hard. “No. Damn it, no. You don’t get to do this to me. We’re done. You may not have made that decision, but it was ultimately your choice.”

He moved as if to walk away, and her heart broke, the thought of shutting him out again was hard, but she knew she had to do it to get past this. To get over him. To keep her heart safe.

Kane whirled around. “I’ve been miserable,” he said lowly.

She nodded. “Yeah? Welcome to the club, buddy. And don’t think for a moment I feel sorry for you, either.”

“I...” He rolled his head side to side. Exhaled heavily and pinned her with his intense gaze. “I’ve missed you. I’ve left my family, have gone months...years...without seeing them. Have made and lost friends and have never, not once, missed anyone the way I’ve missed you these past few days. It was like...”

She bit into her bottom lip. She wouldn’t ask. Wouldn’t give him any more of her time or thoughts.

But she couldn’t stop the words from coming out any more than she could stop herself from loving him.

“Like what?” she asked after a moment, her breath lodged in her throat, her heart racing. She tried not to hope, she really did. He’d hurt her too much for her to think there could be anything between them. But the thought formed all the same.

He looked miserable. As miserable and unhappy as she’d felt this past week. It shouldn’t please her, but it did. It really, really did. Knowing he’d suffered the way she had, that he regretted—as he should—his stupidity, his mistake—made her own pain that much easier to bear.

Made it that much easier for her to want to forgive him.

She sighed. Guess she was a fool after all.

“It felt as if a piece of me was missing,” he said quietly. He lifted his hand, touched the ends of her hair just above her ear. “Like it was hard to breathe without you there. I crave you, Charlotte.”

Oh, that was good. Really good. But she had to be smart. She had to protect herself. “What if you were right? What if it was just sex?”

“It wasn’t. I lied when I said that, when I said it was always that way. I didn’t want to admit how great it was, how much it meant to me. I was stupid. Scared.”

“Scared? Of me?”

He nodded. “You have the power to hurt me. You have my heart in your hands.”

“And you don’t trust me not to crush it?” She shook her head. “You don’t trust me at all, do you?” she asked quietly.

“I was an idiot not to.”

She crossed her arms. “You were. But maybe you were right. Maybe we’re not meant to be.”

“Don’t say that.” He sounded desperate. Shaken. “Please, Charlotte. Give me another chance.”

“I’m not sure I can,” she whispered. “What if you decide you can’t trust me again? What if you get scared? I don’t want us to be sex buddies or ‘sort of’ seeing each other. I love you. I’m in love with you, and for me, that means forever.”

“I’m not the man you wanted,” he pointed out, and she saw, for the first time, that knowing she’d wanted James and Justin, by her thinking she had wanted them, she’d hurt him, too.

Maybe they were both idiots.

“You’re not the man I thought I wanted. You’re better. You’re real and not some fantasy I concocted in my head. But if you don’t believe that, if you don’t trust in that, in me—and in us—there’s no point in us trying anything.”