Small Crimes (7 page)

'I'll
get you some scrambled eggs. You can make your own toast.'

'Who
scratched you?' my dad asked.

He
was looking as sick as can be. I sighed and told him it was Clara Coakley.

'Oh,
Jesus,' he moaned, and for a moment I thought he was about to start bawling.
'What in the world were you doing with her?'

My
mom made a bitter face as if she had something to spit out. 'Didn't I tell you
not to go into town?' she muttered half under her breath. 'You have to act as
if you know it all. Sometimes I know what I'm talking about.'

'Look,'
I said. I didn't do a damn thing. That girl came up with some crackpot scheme
to either have me thrown in prison for rape or to have me beaten to death. I'm
not sure which. Any case, it's over.'

Both
my parents looked horrified. My dad, flustered, asked if I had gone to the
police. 'Yes, I went to the police.’

‘They
believed you?'

'They
had to believe me,' I said. 'It's what happened.'

'Did,
uh,' my dad hesitated for a moment as he rubbed his jaw, 'did you file charges
against Clara?'

I
shook my head. They were quiet after that. Nobody said a word as my mother
finished with the eggs and then spooned them onto three plates. We ate mostly
in silence. I could tell there was something on my mom's mind. She couldn't
hold it in any longer and made a remark about my dad mentioning that I had
asked about Elaine and my two girls.

'I
find it hard to believe that she cut you and Dad off completely from my kids,'
I said.

'We
can't blame her for that,' she said.

'Don't
you want to see your grandchildren?'

'Of
course I do,' my mom said. 'But I also want what's best for those girls. Elaine
couldn't stay in Bradley after what you did, not with the abuse Melissa and
Courtney were taking from the neighborhood kids. I'm sure Elaine has had a
difficult time having to move to a new area and start over on her own. And she
has had to support herself and those two girls for the last seven years without
any help.'

'How
do you know she hasn't had any help?'

'You're
right, I don't know,' my mom said, her tone somewhat uneasy. 'Maybe she has had
help. Maybe she's remarried. And Joey, that's all the more reason to leave her
alone.'

'Don't
you miss my girls?'

'Yes,
I miss my granddaughters, but I understand why Elaine has done what she's done.
And Joey, you should respect her wishes.'

'I
don't know what you're talking about,' I said. I could feel a hot anger
flushing my face. 'You don't think I love my girls? I'm thinking of seeing a
lawyer about changing the custody order.'

'Why
would you want to do that?' my mom asked.

'What
the hell do you mean?'

'Don't
swear at your mother!' my dad snapped.

'I
want to know what she means. She doesn't think I care about my girls?'

'Be
honest with yourself,' my mom said. 'You haven't seen them in over seven years,
probably closer to eight. And Joey, you never had much to do with them before
that. It would be best for the girls if you left them alone.'

I
just sat there and stared at the two of them. Sat there and felt a hotness
burning my face. I wanted to tell them to screw themselves, that I knew where
Elaine was and they could go cry themselves a fucking river for all I cared.

'Joey,'
my dad started to say, 'think what's best for Melissa and Courtney—'

I
didn't hear the rest. I was too busy getting out of there.

Bradley
to Albany, New York, was a three-hour drive. I decided what the hell, I'd find
Elaine when I got there, and I headed off. It was Saturday and there was a good
chance I'd find her and the girls at home. I'd still get back in time to visit
Manny and satisfy myself that Dan was worrying about nothing.

As
troubling as my sleep had been, my three-hour drive to Albany was the exact
opposite. My mind just seemed to clear itself of all worry as I drove along and
watched the countryside. After a half-hour I pulled over and put the top down.
One of my few times outside of Bradley County had been a weekend trip to Albany
with Elaine. It was several months before we had gotten married. I didn't
really care much for the city, but I remembered Elaine liking the restaurants.

The
three-hour drive went by fast. I had to change radio stations a few times along
the way, but was able to find a decent classic rock station each time. I just
sat back, listened to tunes, and enjoyed the ride. By the time I got there I
was about as relaxed as I'd been in years.

It
wasn't hard finding Elaine. I stopped off at the central police station,
bringing a couple of cups of black coffee, and identified myself as a retired
cop. I chewed the fat for a while with the desk sergeant, and by the time I got
around to asking for an address for Elise Mathews he was feeling friendly
enough towards me to drop everything to find it. He didn't even bother asking
what I wanted it for. We shook hands and I was feeling pretty good by the time
I left.

Elaine
was living in half of a two-family house. The neighborhood looked kind of
shabby and I got some curious glances from a few of the kids playing in the
street. The house itself needed work. The wood flooring on the front porch was
rotted - if I stomped down hard enough my foot would've gone through the
boards. The house also needed to be repainted and some of the shutters were
hanging half off. I tested the handrail and found that it was loose. I didn't
like the fact that my kids were living in a dump like this. I should've felt
angry about it, but as I stood there all I could feel was nervous, like butterflies
were fluttering around in my stomach. I rang the buzzer and as I waited those
damn butterflies flapped around like crazy, just about driving my heart into my
throat. I have to admit, as much as I wanted to see my daughters I felt
somewhat terrified at the thought of them being there. After several minutes
Elaine opened the door. She stared at me blankly for a long ten count before
she recognized me, or at least before she was willing to recognize me. From her
expression I knew Melissa and Courtney weren't home.

'They
let you out early, Joe.'

'Yeah,
they did,' I admitted. 'The state of Vermont considers me reformed and ready to
be a useful member of society again. You know what they say about fooling some
of the people some of time.'

Elaine
had dyed her hair a brownish red, and like me had lost the extra weight she had
been carrying around her middle. Her body looked closer to what it was in high
school. She didn't have any makeup on and she seemed tired, especially around
the eyes, but she still looked better than she had in years. She seemed to be
making up her mind about something.

'Everything's
still a joke to you,' she said at last.

'Give
me a break. I was only trying to break the ice. It's been a long time, Elaine.'

'How'd
you find me?'

I
made a face. 'It's not important. Come on, why don't you let me in?'

'No.'
She was shaking her head. There was nothing in her eyes, though. No hate, no
love, no feelings of any kind. Just blank and empty. "The girls aren't
home now. They're playing with friends. But I don't want you in my house, Joe.'

'You're
going to make me stand out here? I drove three hours to see you. Why don't we
talk over a cup of coffee?'

'You're
not coming into my house. If you try to I'll call the police and have you
arrested.'

I
could tell she was serious. I took a deep breath and held it in while I counted
to three. 'How about I buy you a cup of coffee somewhere,' I suggested.

She
gave me a long look before nodding her head. 'Only for fifteen minutes,' she
said. 'I'll go grab my coat.'

'Could
you bring some pictures of the girls?'

She
disappeared back inside and when she came out again she was wearing a cheap
threadbare cloth coat, something not even a Salvation Army store would sell.
Other than her directing me to a coffee shop a few blocks away, neither of us
said a word. When we got there we took a booth. I ordered a turkey club and a
piece of apple pie and she stuck with only a cup of coffee.

'How
have you and the girls been?' I asked.

'We've
been fine. I've been working as a receptionist and going to school nights to
become a paralegal. It's been a struggle, but we're all fine.'

'I'm
sorry,' I said. "There was nothing I could do to help you. But at least I
was able to leave you the house and our savings.'

She
started laughing. It wasn't a malicious laugh, just something she couldn't
control.

'What's
so funny?'

'You
didn't leave me anything, Joe. There was only twelve thousand in savings and I
cleared less than six thousand when I sold the house. Afterwards a business
associate of yours came by. His name was Manny something. He made me give him
what I had. He promised me he'd hurt Melissa and Courtney if I didn't, and I
believed him.'

For
a long time I couldn't move. Just sat there frozen. "That dirty
sonofabitch,' I swore. I made a deal with him. He wasn't supposed to go near
you. I'm so sorry about that.'

'It
was only par for the course.'

'Come
on, Elaine, that's not fair.'

'Why
isn't it? You abandoned us throughout our marriage. When you weren't throwing
away our money on drugs you were burying us with your gambling debts.'

'I'm
so sorry for that also, but I haven't touched cocaine or made any bets in
almost eight years. And I'm never going to again.'

She
didn't say anything. She took a sip of coffee and looked away.

'Look,
Elaine—'

'My
name's Elise now.'

'Why'd
you pick Elise?'

'Is
that any of your business?'

'Forget
it. I'm sorry. Elise. It's a beautiful name.' I took a deep breath before going
on. 'During the seven years I was in jail I kept thinking about the damage I
did to you and the girls. I want a chance to fix things. I want a chance to
have a relationship with my daughters. And maybe it's not too late for us. I'm
going to be getting a monthly pension of thirty-four sixty and that could
help—'

'You're
going to receive a pension?'

I
showed her a little smile. 'Well, yeah, it's been arranged. I'm on the books
for twenty years of service.'

Elaine
started laughing, kind of a sad laugh. It went on for a while. "That's the
problem in a nutshell, Joe,' she said after her laugh had died out. 'If you had
come here today and told me you were planning to go to a trade school or
college so you could work towards a new career, then maybe I could've believed
things had somehow changed, that you had somehow grown in jail. But nothing has
changed, Joe. You still want to take the easy way out. Regardless of whether
it's right or wrong. You haven't changed at all. You're still missing that same
moral center you've been missing your whole life. And look at your face. How
long have you been out of jail? And you've already gotten your face scratched
up?'

"These
scratches are nothing,' I said. 'Trust me, they mean absolutely nothing.' I
started to feel a little hot under the collar. And what do you want me to do?
You want me to throw away thirty-four sixty a month?'

'I
don't care what you do. It doesn't affect me one way or another.'

'I'm
not throwing away that money,' I said.

'I
wouldn't expect you to.'

'Damn
it. If I have to throw away that kind of money to make you happy, then fine,
I'll do it.'

'Forget
it, Joe. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't change anything.'

'Give
me a break, for Chrissakes!'

'Joe,
I've given you thousands of breaks. More breaks than you'll ever realize. All I
ask is that you give me and Courtney and Melissa one break and stay out of our
lives. That's all I'll ever ask of you.'

I
felt helpless as I watched her drink her coffee, as I watched the utter
indifference in her eyes.