Small Crimes (14 page)

She
got up and sat on my knee. The feel of her body was electric.

'Because,'
she said, 'I danced my heart out and you didn't even pay attention.' She leaned
over so her mouth was against my ear. 'Sheriff Dan told me to take good care of
you, Joe.'

'You
recognize me, huh?'

'You're
quite a celebrity. Your picture in the paper and everything.' She placed a
finger on one of my scratches and traced it lightly. 'What happened?' she asked
softly. 'You put your face somewhere it didn't belong?'

'Yeah,
back in Bradley.'

She
laughed at that. 'You're a funny guy,' she said. I usually leave them in
stitches.'

She
laughed again. "That's not a nice thing to say, is it, Joe?' Then her
mouth up against my ear again, 'You want to see me privately?'

I
found myself nodding. She got off my knee and took hold of my hand and led me
past the stage and to a curtained area in the back. Past the curtains was a
long hallway with four small rooms on each side. Kind of like we were in the
dressing area of a clothing store. Toni picked one of the rooms, led me in, and
closed the door behind us. The room was bigger than a clothing store's dressing
room, but not much. She had me sit on a carpeted bench and then she sat on my
thighs, straddling and facing me. Her hands were clasped behind the back of my
head and she gave me that heart-stopping smile. I lowered my eyes and focused
on the soft curvature of her throat, and as I did, I felt something funny in my
own throat. She smelled so fresh and sweet that it made me dizzy.

'Hey,
what are you staring at down there?' she asked, laughing.

I
looked back into her eyes.

"That's
better,' she said. 'I'd like you to know that I'm very particular who I come
back here with.'

I
started laughing. I couldn't help myself. 'You can't be that particular,' I
said.

"Why's
that?'

'Because
you're with me,' I explained, the laughter dying somewhere deep within me.

'Now
stop that!' She waved a finger in front of my nose, scolding me. I noticed how
small her hand was. Two of them would barely make up one of mine.

She
placed her hand along my jaw and caressed it. I asked Earl about you, and he
told me you were a great guy. He said you used to be a regular at Kelley's,
that you used to come here almost every night, but you never once stepped back
here with any of the girls. Why was that?'

'I
was married then.'

'Are
you still married?'

'No.'

'See?'
she said. 'You were being faithful, you weren't going to betray your wife. Most
guys who come here couldn't care less about that. And I read all about you.
What you did was not so nice, but you took responsibility for it. And Joe, most
of the guys I know wouldn't have had the guts to have pled guilty.'

I
didn't say anything. Her logic was twisted, but I wasn't going to argue with
her. Of course
I
betrayed Elaine and my
daughters. It didn't matter whether
I
had
sex with any of the girls at Kelley's, just spending most of my nights at a
strip club was betrayal enough. Even though I never paid much attention to the
strippers, I still abandoned my family.
I
abandoned
them so that I could sit and bullshit with Earl and listen to music and snort
cocaine and try to hide from them what
I
had
become. And as far as Phil Coakley was concerned, I didn't have the guts to do
anything other than plead guilty. Elaine was right, back then I wouldn't have
been able to sit in a courtroom and listen to the accusations against me. I
would have done anything to avoid that.

Toni
reached down and started to unbuckle my belt.
I
stopped her. She gave me a tender smile. I know, it's been a
long time,' she said.

'I'm
just not ready right now.'

'Would
you like some coke?'

I
found myself nodding. She leaned forward and planted a kiss on my cheek. Then
she
got
up and left the room. It
had been a long time, but it was more than that. Elaine had been my first and
only girlfriend.
I
dated her through high
school and married her right afterwards. She was the only woman I had ever been
with. But it was more than that.

All
the hopes I had for turning my life around were turning to dust. I felt like I
was balancing on an icy precipice and that any wrong move would send me
tumbling off into oblivion. What I was going to have to do in the next few days
was bad enough, but at least when it was done I could put it behind me and move
on. Now, though, I was back at Kelley's, and not only that, but in one of their
private rooms with a girl half my age and paid to be with me. I was falling
back into my old habits. Drifting back into whatever was easy. Worse actually.
But I was too paralyzed to move. Toni was too beautiful and I wanted too much
what she had to offer. Still, it made me sick inside.

There
was a light knock on the door, and Toni came back into the room and sat on my
lap. She had a vial and a coke spoon with her. She opened the vial, filled the
coke spoon, and snorted it. I could see the rush hit her, I could see the
effect it had on her eyes and mouth. I wanted to bolt, but as I said before, I
was paralyzed. When she offered me the spoon I took it. The rush hit me hard. I
could feel the cocaine stinging the back of my eyes. I could taste it deep in
my throat. We both did several more hits. She put the vial down and started to
take off her football jersey. I stopped her.

'Either
you're a really big football fan or you're shy,' she said, laughing, her
expression quizzical.

'Let's
sit for another minute.'

She
tried moving my hand to her breast, but I moved it back to her small slender
hip. She started giggling. 'It's funny your being so shy,' she said. 'Why's
that?'

'Because
of someone else. Someone you sort of know. He can barely even look at the girl
he's with.’

‘And
why is that funny?'

'I
don't know. It's just that the two of you are connected, kind of.'

Her
eyes sparkled with amusement. I could tell she was just dying to tell me her
private joke. But I could already guess it.

'Phil
Coakley comes here, huh?' I asked.

That
seemed to sober her up. 'I really shouldn't be talking about this,' she said.

'Don't
worry, you didn't tell me anything. I guessed.'

'Well,
he doesn't really come here. Not exactly. He couldn't even if he wanted to.'

'Yeah,
it wouldn't look good for the DA to be frequenting a place like Kelley's.'

'I
guess that's part of it.' She let out a laugh. 'But only a small part. Trust
me. The girl he's seeing has to meet him at a motel. It wouldn't matter who she
was seeing. It's funny, she thinks it's sweet that he can barely look at her. I
don't know how she stomachs looking at him. Can you imagine what his face must
look like when he's climaxing?'

She
let out a shudder. I could feel it shake her whole body. I didn't say anything.

'That
was pretty mean of me, wasn't it?' she said. Then, after a hesitation, 'I've
heard that he used to be good looking.'

I
nodded.

She
gave me a long curious look as she studied me. 'There I go again,' she said,
giggling. 'I'm bumming you out. And I was told to take good care of you. You
just might have to put me across your knee.'

She
giggled again and then filled up the coke spoon and inhaled it deeply. The
cocaine was starting to affect her skin color, making it slightly jaundiced.
Small droplets of perspiration hung from her forehead. As she smiled at me now
it seemed a bit plastic. She was still beautiful, but not as stunning as when I
first saw her. The coke spoon was refilled and handed to me. As I held it I
felt my arm tremble. I wanted the coke, I wanted the rush that it would give
me, I wanted to feel more alive than I was feeling, but I could see the effect
the coke was having on Toni. I could see how it was marring her appearance. In
my mind's eye I could see myself staring out with the same dumb glassy
expression. I dropped the spoon back into the vial. My head was pounding. I
felt like if I didn't get out of there my heart was going to explode.

'I
think I better get going,' I said. I slid her off my lap and stood up at the
same time.

'You're
kidding?' She seemed genuinely surprised, not quite believing what she heard.

'I'm
sorry, this just isn't right. Not for me anyway.'

She
just stood hands on hips, staring at me with disbelief. 'Joe, why don't you sit
back down and enjoy the ride. This is all paid for.'

'I'm not feeling good. I think I'd better just
leave.’

‘You're kidding, right?’

‘I'm sorry, I've got to go.’

‘Then go. 'Bye now.'

As
I opened the door, I glanced behind me and saw Toni staring at me with utter
disgust, her lips pressed tight into a rigid smile. Then I was out of there. ZZ
Top's 'Legs' blasted me as I pushed through the curtains and stepped in front
of a loudspeaker next to the stage. A healthy-looking blonde took her top off
as she swayed to the beat of the music. I rushed past her and the stage, and
nodded towards Earl on my way out. I felt as if I was suffocating. As I got
outside, I sort of collapsed, standing bent over with hands on knees, trying
desperately to breathe in the cool night air. After a few minutes of that, my
head started to clear and I could breathe normally.

I
guess I had a panic attack. It was probably triggered by the cocaine. The
attack left me feeling shaky, but I was for the most part over it. I made my
way over to my car, got in, and sank into my seat as I tried to clear my head.
I felt disgusted with myself.

Elaine
had been right, I always took the easy way. I always looked for short cuts. If
things had continued with Toni I would've been following the same pattern that
I always followed. At some point I had to break it. I sat for a long time,
maybe a half-hour, maybe longer, before I was able to gather up the strength to
drive away from there.

Chapter 10

It
was almost midnight before I got back to my parents' house. I was surprised to
see my dad still up. He was standing by the kitchen sink making himself some
tea. He turned and gave me a self-conscious smile when he heard me.

'You
left in quite a huff this morning,' he said.

I
slid past him and filled up a glass of water and drank it down. I did that two
more times and then washed out the glass and put it back on the shelf. After
that, I turned sideways to face him.

'What
did you expect?' I asked.

'We're
not trying to fight with you, Joey. We're only trying to talk with you, that's
all.'

He
looked old standing there with his shoulders stooped and his face drawn and
haggard. It softened my attitude.

'I'm
sorry, Dad,' I said.

'I'm
sorry too, son.' His eyes widened with concern as he looked at me. 'Joey, are
you feeling okay?' he asked. 'You're sweating.'

'I'm
okay, I've just had a busy day.'

'My
God, you're pale as a ghost.'

'Don't
worry about me, I'm fine.'

'How
about I make you something to eat. Would you like some scrambled eggs?'

'Sure,
Dad, that'd be good.'

I
sat down at the kitchen table and watched as he got two eggs from the
refrigerator, cracked them into a bowl, mixed in some milk and black pepper and
then stirred them with a fork. When he was done, he put a frying pan on the
stove, melted some butter and then poured in the eggs.

'I
got some ham, Joey, would you like some thrown in?'

'That
sounds great.'