Slow Burn (2 page)

If I have one flaw—and yes, I am aware that I have more than one, but if I had to pick one that seemed to annoy people, and even myself sometimes—it would be my habit of writing letters to those I’d rather not have an uncomfortable conversation with.

When we were kids, Crystal had a birthday party at Uncle Troy’s restaurant. I felt that she was completely ignoring me to hang out with her friends from school. When she asked me what was up with my funky attitude, instead of being honest I waited until she wasn’t looking and slipped a note written on a napkin into her dress pocket.

She never found it, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’m fully aware that I have avoidance issues when it comes to confrontations, especially ones where I may come out looking the fool. Even now, years later, I found it easier to mail Crystal a card apologizing for our fight—even though I wasn’t backing down from my feelings on Jermaine—and letting her know that I still wanted to come over on Halloween and see Brianna in her costume.

My note to Patrick was definitely taking the coward’s way out. I just couldn’t face him after what happened in the kitchen. I couldn’t even bring myself to say what had happened out loud. We kissed. And kissed. And kissed some more. I had pressed my body against his so hard it was as if I was trying to get inside of him instead of the other way around. Patrick didn’t bring up the note or what happened between us, though it’s not like I gave him the opportunity. I began spending vast amounts of time at the office or in my room. The yoga class had become a lifeline and there was no way I was giving it up. I opted for attending ones given when Patrick wasn’t scheduled to work.

After a few days of avoiding him I became annoyed that Patrick hadn’t tried to talk to me about it. Silly, I know. I’d basically brushed him off and made it clear that I didn’t want to face him, but there was a part of me that wanted him to at least try. That was perhaps my biggest problem with what I now referred to as The Incident. What did it mean? How did he feel about it? Sure, I was upset over my fight with Crystal and it felt good to talk to someone who seemed to understand, but kissing Patrick had nothing to do with sympathy and wine. It had everything to do with the fact that I had wanted to. And I wanted him.

I’m not sure when it happened or how, but somewhere along the way I’d developed feelings for my roommate. I missed him when he wasn’t around and he was the first person I wanted to share good news with and the first person I wanted to talk to when I needed consoling. If I admitted this to him and he didn’t feel the same way, I’d feel like an idiot. I don’t know anyone who takes rejection well, especially from the opposite sex, and there’d been enough male rejection in my life recently.

Thoughts of Patrick even invaded my concentration at work. When Lila and I met with Kelly Kennedy and her manager, I couldn’t help but notice how striking she was in person, and I wondered if Patrick thought so too. How fifth grade was that? I couldn’t afford to be distracted, considering how well things were going. My idea to incorporate product placement into Kelly’s appearance on a popular television show was well received by both the producers of the show and the people at
Raven Cosmetics
.  Lila was so impressed she requested that she and I go out for lunch soon to discuss the possibility of me joining one of her creative teams. 

Even though I was hesitant to share my good news with Myra, considering her feelings towards the people at Braxton & Lloyd, I had to tell someone. Since Crystal and Patrick were out, I allowed Myra to buy me lunch to celebrate. We decided on a Spanish restaurant not far from the office, which we normally wrote off as too expensive, but this was a special occasion.

“I’m excited. Finally I’ll get to do more than schedule meetings and book flights for other people. No offense.”

“None taken,” Myra replied as she raised her margarita glass in a mock toast. “And you get a bigger office.”

“And I’ll be using my brain to come up with creative concepts and—”

“And more money.”

I tried to give Myra a dirty look, but it didn’t work. She was right, and we both knew it. This change in position would come with a considerable raise in salary, and I could use it. The dirty look gave way to a small smile.

“Fine. And more money.” We touched glasses in a toast to my bank account. 

“Now, just be careful…”

“Myra, don’t start.”

“What? I’m just saying. Watch your back, that’s all. You think they want to see a sistah moving up?” 

“If that were true, why would Lila even consider promoting me?”

“Because you’re smart, capable, and adding you to the creative team makes her look better.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You know what I mean, but that doesn’t make you any less smart, creative, or capable, and I’m proud of you, girl.”

It was a nice, much-needed moment. We walked back to the office arm in arm, heads bent low against the biting wind and giggling like schoolgirls. As we approached the entrance to our office building, I saw a familiar frame standing in the doorway. There, in a long brown trench coat with the collar turned up, stood Lawrence. Before I could even form the words “What are you doing here?” Myra was excusing herself. She muttered something about getting back to work and then, behind Lawrence’s back, gave me an exaggerated eye roll before disappearing inside the building. The look clearly said,
whatever it is he’s selling, you can’t afford.

“It’s not what you think. I’m not here to beg or apologize. I just need to get some stuff I left at your place.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m serious.”

I grabbed his arm and moved us both away from the busy entrance to the building. I didn’t want my co-workers dipping in my business.

“Why didn’t you just call?”

“I was already nearby. Besides, you don’t take my calls.”

“You could have left a message.”

“Oh, so you’re actually listening to my messages now?”

If looks could kill, New York City Sanitation would be mopping up a Lawrence-sized stain off the sidewalk.

“Can I stop by later to get my stuff?”

I knew exactly what stuff he was referring to: a few pictures, some clothes, a book, and a few CDs were all currently residing in a box in the back of my closet. I hadn’t decided what to do with it, and honestly hadn’t given it much thought.

“No. Let’s get it now.”

Lawrence looked surprised.

“I’m more than ready to have this thing between us over with once and for all.”

Immature as it was, I took pleasure in seeing the hurt on Lawrence’s face. “Let me just tell Lila I’m leaving for the day.” As Lawrence tried to follow me into the building I placed my hand on his chest. “No, wait here.”

I would have preferred a quiet train ride to my apartment but, once Lawrence realized that I was shooting down all of his attempts to talk about my life, he was content to talk about his own. A lot. As he went on and on, I wondered how I could have ever found him attractive. Well, physically it was obvious. He was a gorgeous man, but his personality was a turn off. How could I have not seen it before? What I used to consider confidence was now coming off as extreme arrogance. He’d already proven himself to be a liar and disloyal, and the more he tried to work me with his compliments—“Damn, girl. You’re looking good.”—the more I realized how manipulative he was. He no more wanted that crap in a box than I wanted to be on that train with him. He’d played me for the last time. I’d give him his junk, he’d go, and I’d finally be done with Lawrence for good.

When we approached the apartment door I could hear voices inside. It was surprising because I thought Patrick would be at work. I was even more stunned to turn the key, open the door, and see Patrick kissing Kelly Kennedy in my living room.

What was it with me and my impeccable timing?

Would it be any wonder if I developed a complex when it came to opening doors? They broke apart as Lawrence and I stood there. I’m pretty sure my mouth was open. It was the absolute last thing I expected to see and I felt as if I’d been punched in the stomach. Patrick took a step back from Kelly and looked just as shocked to see us. Kelly didn’t seem the slightest bit surprised or embarrassed. She walked over to us with her hand outstretched and flashing a five hundred watt smile.

“Hi, Chloe! So good to see you again.” She turned to Lawrence and shook his hand. “Hi, I’m Kelly.”

“Lawrence. Nice to meet you.”

Patrick and I just stared at one another.

Kelly looked from me to Patrick before saying, “Well, Patrick it looks like we weren’t the only ones with the same idea this afternoon.” I really looked at Kelly for the first time since entering the apartment. The smile never left her face and she looked like a very satisfied cat. 

“Kelly and I were—” Patrick began, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“Sorry we interrupted,” I muttered, grabbing Lawrence’s hand and dragging him to my bedroom. Once inside I shut the door and began to unbutton my coat.

“Is that—” Lawrence began to ask.

“Yeah, that’s Kelly Kennedy.”

Lawrence’s deep laugh filled my bedroom. “Oh, white boy got some serious game.”  To keep myself from hurting someone I went into my closet and grabbed the box with Lawrence’s stuff in it.

“Here.” I shoved the box into his arms. “You can leave now.”

I expected my attitude to hurt his feelings, but his smiled broadened instead. “You know, now it all makes sense. You can’t forgive me because you’re all caught up in that white boy out there. And from the looks of things, he’s not thinking about your black ass one bit.”

Gut check of the day number two.

As he left the room I recognized the look on his face as the same childish satisfaction I’d had on mine not an hour before. Once again, it was easier for him to believe the reason I couldn’t forgive him was someone else’s fault. Good riddance.

I heard the front door open and close as Lawrence left. What now? I certainly wasn’t going to sit in my room while Patrick and Kelly did who-the-hell-knows-what in my—I mean, our—living room. I grabbed my coat off the bed. Where I was off to in the middle of the day was beyond me, but I knew I had to be anywhere but that apartment. Hell, I’d go back to work before I hid in my bedroom while Patrick made out with that… that… actress. I kept my eyes fixed on the front door as I made my way past the living room.

“Chloe.”

I pretended not to hear Patrick and kept walking.

“Chloe.” He was louder this time, unavoidable.

I stopped to look at Patrick, standing in the living room. Kelly was nowhere in sight.

“Chloe. We need to talk. And we need to do it now.”

Chloe looked as if she wanted to run, but I wasn’t going to let her. Her face when she entered the apartment told me everything I needed to know. Things had gone too far. She dropped her keys and coat on the sofa and just looked at me.

Okay. She’s not going to make this easy.

“What you saw between Kelly and I—”

“Is none of my business,
Patrick. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. This is your house, too.”

“Will you stop doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“It bothered you seeing me kissing Kelly. I could tell, but you want to stand there and act like it didn’t. Just like it bothered me to see you walk in here with Lawrence.”

“That wasn’t—”

“You don’t have to explain yourself. See? See how frustrating that is?”

I could tell that I’d broken through. Her body relaxed and she no longer looked as if she was going to spring through the ceiling.

“Chloe, Kelly and I were rehearsing a scene for an audition I have and the scene called for a kiss. I wasn’t expecting it, but she did it. It wasn’t romantic at all. It wasn’t—”

“What it looked like?”

“I was going to say that it wasn’t like what happened with us.”

Perhaps I’d pushed too far, but I didn’t care. I was tired of the game we were playing and one way or another it was going to stop.

“Patrick, I already told you—”

“I know what you told me in your letter. That’s not good enough. Chloe, we’re too old for this. We kissed. It happened. It’s done with. I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, but it’s obvious we need to. We were starting something really good here, don’t you think? I miss that. I miss you. I don’t like the fact that we barely see each other and we never talk over something so stupid.”

“Is that what it was to you? Stupid?”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Kissing you wasn’t stupid.” I stepped closer to her. I wanted to take her hand, but I didn’t want to push it. She was there. She was listening. “Kissing you was amazing and it happened because I wanted it, and so did you. Was it right? I don’t know. But if it’s going to cause us to avoid each other and fight then it never has to happen again. Not if you don’t want it to.”

She just looked at me for a few moments. I could tell she was trying to choose her words carefully.

“I really don’t know what I want right now. I know that I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t like the fact that we don’t… that things aren’t the way they were. And really, Patrick, right now I guess I do know one thing. I want to take things slow, and I want things to go back to the way they were before that night.”

“Me too.” Not touching her was extremely hard. She looked so tired and vulnerable. “So, why can’t they?”

“I don’t know.”

“How ‘bout this: we admit that we are attracted to one another, right?”

“Right.”

“We care about each other?”

“Definitely.”

“But we don’t want to start anything that will ruin the friendship?”

“Exactly.”

“So, we don’t let it. You want to take it slow? I’m fine with that. Chloe, let’s just work on getting things back to the way they were and go from there.”

“You think it’s that simple, huh?”

“It can be.”

Chloe sat on the sofa and I knelt in front of her. Taking a chance, I took one of her hands in mine. “Chloe, I think you’re amazing. You’re beautiful, smart, and funny. I care about you. That night, I was attracted to you. Hell, I’m still attracted to you right now. We were two consenting adults acting on a moment. If you’re not ready for it to be anything more than that, I’m cool with it. I just want my friend back.”

She took a deep breath and squeezed my hand. “I miss you, too.”

I laughed. “Was that so hard?”

“Seriously? Yes! I felt so stupid after what happened—”

“After we kissed,” I said.

“Yes. After we kissed. I’m not sure I’m ready to jump into anything and I would hate for us to do something that would jeopardize our friendship, something we’d later regret. I should have just said that to begin with.”

“Yeah, you should have, but I didn’t have to let things go as far as they did. What happened today—”

“Really, Patrick.” Chloe stood up. “You don’t have to.”

I rose with her and we stood face to face. “I want to. There is nothing between Kelly and me. We—”

“I’m serious. Don’t explain.”

I had started to tell Chloe about my past relationship with Kelly, but I thought it would spoil the mood. “You’re right. It’s not important. You know what is important?”

“What?”

“That we’re okay.”

“We’re okay.”

“Can I hug you now or will you not talk to me for like three weeks if I do?”

“Shut up.” Then Chloe took the lead and hugged me. “Now,” she said as we broke away, “let me explain about Lawrence.”

“You really don’t have to. I saw him leaving with the box. He’s not good enough for you. You’re too smart to take him back. I have faith in you.”

“Oh, you sound pretty sure.”

“I mean, come on! He’s not me.”

It worked. Chloe laughed and punched me on the arm. “Well, tell me about this audition.”

After I gave Chloe the details, she smiled and said confidently, “You’re so going to get this.”

“I don’t know. It’s a long shot. I’m honestly just grateful for the audition.”

“Don’t worry. I have faith in you, too.”

She smiled as she said it and I felt as if I could do anything. When Chloe shared with me her good news about the possible promotion at work I knew exactly what I had to do.

“Let me take you to dinner.”

“It’s not even definite yet, Patrick.”

“So what? It’s good news. Lila sees potential in you and I snagged a big break audition. That calls for a dinner out. An expensive one. On me.”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

“Good. It’s a date.”

“Is it?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be, Chloe.”

She smiled again and my stomach dropped.

This woman is going to be the death of me.

“Are you flirting with me?” she asked.

“Absolutely.”