Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking (12 page)

‘I think you should go back to
work, Mum.’

She looks at me like I’m
joking. We’re having a late breakfast around the kitchen pull-out.
She’s still in her bathrobe. She’s been wearing it these last three
days.

‘Seriously, Mum. It will take
your mind off things.’

She lights up a cigarette.
Looks out of the window. It’s snowing. Big fat snowflakes land on
the window, look at us. Maybe they’re wondering why this lady looks
so dishevelled. At this hour.

‘Starling liked it when it
snowed, remember?’ Lilian slides open the window, sticks her hand
out. A snowflake lands on it, she watches it melt.

‘I called the shop, Mum. Amanda
said anytime you’re ready.’

She doesn’t even look at me. So
I just leave.

At school, it’s another day.
After gym, Amy sidles up, just as the bell goes. She’s standing by
the door, letting everyone past her. She’s waiting for me.
Everybody goes to lunch. It’s kind of funny how this happens, so
often now. I know she feels sorry for me. She worries about Lilian.
And Chris. Cause he hasn’t been co-operating. Captain Josh has come
by, twice, when Chris was home from fishing. But Chris had nothing
to say. He didn’t want to go over anything that we’d been
through.

‘What the fuck for?’ he shouted
at Captain Josh. They were outside the trailer. Chris sat on the
doorstep, smoking, and couldn’t even be bothered to hide his joint.
Just blew the smoke right into Captain Josh’s concerned dial.

‘I need to know if you’ve
remembered anything new. Anything, Chris, any little detail.’

‘Man, you’re funny,’ Chris
said. He smirked, too. I saw the whole thing from behind my
curtain. Lilian was asleep on the bed right behind me, and she did
not even stir, not even when Chris shouted. And he was right there,
on the doorstep, below us.

Captain Josh didn’t know what
else to say, it was obvious. So he turned and off he went, to
continue with his enquiry elsewhere.

So now, Amy’s waiting for me
when gym class is over. I’ll bet she wants to see how I’m holding
up. I nod to her. I’m okay, we’re all doing fine. Well, you know.
She nods, I nod. There’s a bit of a silence building between us
cause everybody’s gone. It’s just me and her, packing up equipment
before going to lunch. And I’m thinking that maybe she’s here
snooping cause it’s Captain Josh’s new tactic. He’s put her up to
it, maybe. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. About everything. Of course,
she’s concerned about us. She is a mother herself. She has a little
boy not much older than Starling. So maybe she can genuinely put
herself in our shoes. How she’d feel if
that
happened to
her. It’s
that
which is on everyone’s mind when they look at
us. Starling’s name is no longer being mentioned. She’s been
relegated to
that what happened to us
. I’ve noticed a few
people thinking it, when we pass by.
Poor things, it’s them that
happened to, you know,
they nod at each other, just so, but I
see it. It’s there in their eyes, in the way they look at us. Me
and Chris, anyway. Lilian hasn’t been out of the trailer.

41

The next day, Chris makes an
announcement.

‘I’m going away for a while.
I’ve got a new job.’

Lilian looks up from her plate.
It’s lunch time and a Saturday so we’ve assembled here, around the
pull-out, to keep body and soul together.

‘It’s good money. You won’t
have to worry about anything.’

‘I don’t worry about anything,’
she replies, resumes eating.

So that’s that. It’s up to me,
again, to keep everything in la-la land. Cause we’re tired of
keeping it real. It’s too hard work.

‘Where are you going, Dad?’

‘Deep sea fishing.’

‘When will you be back?’

‘Not before Easter, honey.’

Lilian raises her eyes to
Chris’s. They’re brimming with tears. It’s a sign. For me to leave
these two alone.

42

I left them alone. I managed it
with a fat lie about a science project which involved me recording
the changing of the seasons. Seriously, we did such a thing in the
second grade in little people’s school. Anybody in their right mind
would have cottoned on, but these two are not in their right mind.
Obviously. So I went down to the beach. I still go, as often as I
can but it’s getting harder cause I’m at school now most of the
time. School is not so bad anymore. It gives me relief. From them,
from my grief. It’s a happy place. It’s where Starling and I can be
together. Fairy too, but she doesn’t come to me as much. She’s only
been twice since.

I take the shortcut past old
Drake’s place. It looks sad. It’s locked up. Chris has the key, of
course, cause the cabin is his now, and the land. The cabin is in
good shape, it’s got a comfortable bed, proper kitchen, fireplace,
electricity, inside toilet. You know what I’m saying. It would be
nice to spend the winter there but we won’t move in. We just can’t,
considering... Lilian hasn’t set foot in there since the early
days. I have. And Chris has too.

Quite often, Chris comes to
look after his dope. It’s his now, the whole operation behind the
shed, in summer, and in the shed, now winter’s closed in. He keeps
his garden warm in the shed. It’s a cosy place I imagine. That’s
why he spends so much time in there, on the couch he’s put in so he
could be comfortably alone. I wish I could lie on it, hide from
everything, the way he does. I wouldn’t mind spending the night,
especially when Lilian’s out of her magic pills. It can be a hard
slog with her then. But I don’t have the key. And Chris has been
very careful.

I guess, now he’s going away,
things are going to change. He might trust me a bit more. Or he
might not. After all, I am the one remaining child he has. No
matter how he looks at it.

43

Turns out he trusts me. We have
a talk, later on, when Lilian’s asleep. In their bed.

Chris and I watch a DVD
together. We’re having a father and daughter evening. A last
hurrah, so to speak. But it’s a whole new experience, really, cause
we never did this when Starling was around. We always had to watch
her fairy movie. Or Noddy, or some shit, you know. What
three-year-olds like. So an evening like this is a bit of a
novelty, which I could get used to.

We watch a zombie movie. It’s
wonderful. Everyone dies of a virus and is resurrected only to
wreak havoc. Then a hero comes and saves everybody who’s still
alive. Temporarily, I’m sure cause the ending is conveniently open
ended. But it’s a rush, the whole thing. It’s fantastic.

So we talk about it. Chris
reckons it could even happen, you know, under the right
circumstances. Which I’m not sure about, but it would be fun. Under
the right circumstances. Like if you were really prepared. Had food
stocked up, weapons, good people around you. You could hole up
somewhere safe, like even here, I say to Chris. He agrees; it’s a
good hiding place, here in the mountains. And the beach behind us
is like part of our fortress. Cause the zombies wouldn’t be able to
swim so that side of our hideout is basically safe. We’d only have
to patrol the road. Set up a parameter. Post sentries.

Chris is smiling now. He’s lit
a joint cause I’m a big girl now and— ‘Anyway, you’re sharp, Sarah,
you know what’s going on so I’m counting on you,’ says Chris.
Inhales, nods.

‘We’ll be okay, Dad. I’m gonna
keep an eye on everything for you, I promise.’

‘I know.’

‘Especially Mum.’

‘I know. She’ll be alright with
you here.’

‘You’ll call us?’

‘Every day. And sometimes I
will even get through.’

We grin at each other. He
smokes, I watch him. It’s been a good day.

44

By the end of the weekend he’s
gone. Saying goodbye, we all shed a tear. Lilian sobbed,
vigorously, like she used to when Starling was still around and
something went wrong. She really put in an effort so she must be
feeling better. And she still loves Chris. And me.

She hung onto me when we saw
him off. She kissed him, properly, and cried buckets. He did too.
He kissed her and hugged her and told her how much he loved her and
that he was sorry he had to go but it was for the best and when he
came back, he said, things would be better. He looked at me and
then it was my turn to hug and kiss. Then Lilian came in on this
again and we all cried. We felt very sad, as if something good was
ending. I only wished Starling could have been with us cause she
would have made such a scene seeing her Daddy go that we would have
had to cut the whole thing short. But she’s missing. Gone.

And now Chris is too.

45

‘How are you, Sarah-honey?’

‘Good, Dad. Real good.’

‘Mum?’

‘She’s well. She’s got
something to tell you.’

I hand the phone over. Lilian’s
standing at the kitchen pull-out, doing the dishes. She’s
smiling.

‘Hi,’ she says.

She gives me a look. Okay, I
get it. I’m going. I’ll even close the door so she doesn’t think
I’m gonna be spying. Of course, I can hear her from outside just as
well. She left the window open to let the steam out when she was
cooking. I only need to stand quietly under it.

‘I’m doing okay. —Really.’

—

‘I’ve gone back to work.’

—

‘It’s great, actually. Three
days a week right now but Amanda tells me I’ll get more hours after
Cynthia goes.’

—

‘She’s retiring at the end of
the month.’

—

‘I can handle it, Chris. Stop
worrying.’

—

‘It’s working out well. I’m
able to give Sarah a lift home twice a week.’

—

‘No, she doesn’t mind taking
the bus. She suggested it.’

—

‘It is good news.’

—

‘That’s good. Yeah. I know.
I’ve been checking the account. It’s all there. It’s more than we
need, Chris, thank you.’

—

‘I know. I know. I’ve been
thinking about it. But I’m not sure if it is such a good idea.
Sarah’s just—‘

—

‘Okay, we’ll discuss it when
you come back. You want to speak to Sarah?’

—

‘Me too. Bye.’

She hangs up the phone, goes
back to washing the dishes. I’m slightly hurt. I wanted to speak to
Chris. Ah, well, next time I won’t be pushed over so easily. Lesson
learnt.

46

My fifteenth birthday comes
around. Dad’s still not home but he calls. The night before.

‘Happy birthday to you, happy
birthday to you, happy birthday, Sarah-honey, happy birthday to
you.’

Oh dear, Dad’s singing. It
brings tears to my eyes, it literally does cause he used to sing
that to Starling so she would learn it and sing it along with him,
to Lilian, on her birthday, and to me, on mine. And this year he’s
singing alone. But I am not going to cry.

‘It’s tomorrow, dude!’ I say,
just loud enough for Lilian to hear. She raises her eyebrows in my
direction. Dad got your birthday wrong? They seem to be saying.

‘I’m going to be off the grid
for a while, Sarah-honey,’ Chris purrs, obviously pleased with my
reaction. ‘I won’t be able to reach you tomorrow.’

Right. I mouth that to Lilian.
She nods, shrugs but stays glued to the conversation.

‘I’m gonna bring you something
spesh,’ says Chris.

‘Just bring yourself, and
soon,’ I say. My tears are threatening to make an appearance after
all. It’s not fair. I really want him here tomorrow. I know
Lilian’s planned something. She’s been dropping hints about a
surprise. Well, then. It would be nice to have your dad here for
it, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would be.

47

My fifteenth birthday is a
school day. Lilian wakes me up with a good breakfast; pancakes, and
it’s the first time she’s made them since, you know. But we’re not
going to cry, or dwell, today. She gives me a present. It’s a stack
of books, comics about zombies. Ah, she has been talking to Chris.
She knows about my new obsession. Move over birds; it’s dead people
walking now. And surviving all that. Despite all that. I think it’s
all relevant to our situation, you know. And Lilian knows it too.
She went to the trouble of getting me something she figured I’d
like.

We hug and kiss. I’m tempted to
take a comic with me to school but I’d get distracted there cause
people have actually been talking to me, a bit. At lunch time. That
hasn’t been as annoying as I thought it might be. Some people in my
class are okay to talk to. So I’m gonna leave my comic for
later.

I do get a surprise. After
school, just before going home time. It’s a cake, for me, to share
with my classmates. Made by Amy, the night before, from scratch.
It’s sooo yummy, no wonder the girl’s so big. If she bakes like
this… Then Amy comes out with her news. We’re having a sleepover at
school, a movie and games night, tonight! Course, my first reaction
is to run. Or be sick. Course, I do none of it. Cause people look
really pleased. They want to stay and do this. Everyone thinks it
will be fun. Some people talk about drinking. And other stuff.
Course, none of it is going to happen cause Captain Josh will be
here to make sure.

So we all reconvene at school
at sundown. There’s a sausage sizzle dinner and chocolate brownies
for desert, would you believe? Clearly, Amy really likes to bake.
Captain Josh, by the look of him, likes to eat what she bakes. He’s
in his trackies here and you can see how the dude’s piling it on.
And so what? Everyone’s stuffing their faces right now. It’s good.
Nearly everybody showed up. We’re bunking down on the floor, on gym
mattresses. Course, we’ve got sleeping bags and pillows and it’s
all a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable at first but nobody pays me
attention, not much, really, so it’s all good in a bit and we watch
the promised movie.