Sledge: The Hockey Player's Secret Baby (16 page)

15

The ride back to Sledge’s condo took forever. We got stuck in traffic on the freeway. The baby made cooing noises, but never cried. We were stopped in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I took the opportunity to slip back into the backseat and check on him. He looked completely content. His big eyes looked up at me.

I ran my fingers over his blonde hair and down his cheek. His hair was curly at the ends and stuck up in the back. I smiled down at him. To my surprise, he returned my smile. He already had his first tooth. His grin reminded me of Chick. I kissed his forehead then slipped back into the front seat.

Sledge glanced back at the baby, but didn’t look at me. He turned his focus back to the traffic ahead of us. I studied the side of his face. His strong jaw and straight nose framed by his shaggy hair gave him the appearance of a rock star.

“Sledge…” I ventured a word, my voice barely a whisper.

“Not now,” he snapped.

I bit my lip. He had every right to be furious. I wrung my hands and stared out the window. Slowly, the car crept forward. Traffic had finally started to move.

Sledge carried the baby in his arms up to his condo. I stayed a couple steps behind him and watched as he held him to his chest. The little guy looked so tiny in Sledge’s big hands. It made me want to cry.

When we stepped into his condo, I finally found the nerve to speak up. “We need to get diapers and formula, clothes, a crib…”

“I’ll send my driver to pick up everything he needs. It is a he, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a boy.”

“What’s his name?”

Stars danced in front of my eyes. I wanted to faint. I never imagined I’d have this conversation with Sledge. Now that it was here, I wanted to kill myself. Sledge was doing everything he could to stay calm, but I could see the storm brewing in his eyes.

“Bobbi? What did you name him?”

“I didn’t,” I said. My voice broke and tears started to fall. “They wouldn’t let me. As soon as he was born, they took him from me. They told me he’d been adopted into a good family. Until tonight, I had no idea they were hiding him. I would have taken him and run away if I’d known.”

Sympathy passed over Sledge’s eyes, but it was only a momentary flash, like lightning on the horizon.

“He doesn’t even have a name.” It wasn’t a question. “How old is he?”

“Almost a year.”

“A year? You kept this secret from me for
over a year
? Chick knew, didn’t he? That’s why he got mad at me in the locker room.” Sledge shook his head in disbelief.

“I know that saying I’m sorry isn’t good enough…”

“You’re right it’s not.”

“…but I’m sorry. This isn’t the life I chose. The baby-
our baby
- was taken from me without my consent. My dad said it was for the best. He said I would ruin your life and his by having a baby. I didn’t want to kill your dreams or shame my family. It’s no excuse, but I was scared.”

The baby started to fuss in Sledge’s arms. He held him out and looked at him.

“This is insane,” he said.

“I know.” I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my arm. “I’ve thought about him every single second of every day. Who was he with? How was he being cared for? Did his new family love him? I had no idea he was being hidden from me by my family. I could kill them for doing this to me- to us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sledge’s voice broke; his eyes were glassy. I’d never seen him cry before. “I would have helped you. We could have figured this out together.”

“I was scared and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Sledge frowned. “You should leave,” he said sadly.

“What about-”

“I’ll take care of him. Look, I just need a few days to think, and I want to get to know my son.”

The words sounded strange coming from him, as if he didn’t quite believe this was real life. I felt helpless.

“Sledge, please don’t cut me out of his life.”

“Christ, Bobbi… you really think I would do that to you? That I’d never let you see your own son? Or that I’d make a decision that impacted your life without giving you a say in it?” His words were bitter. It was clear he wasn’t going to forgive me for what I’d done- not now, maybe never. Tears started to fall down my face.

“Can I please hold him before I leave? I haven’t seen him since they took him away from me at the hospital.”

“Of course,” he replied, sounding almost pitiful.

Gently, he handed the baby over to me. I cradled him in my arms. My tears had turned to sobs of both relief and misery. Sledge looked away, then left the room. He couldn’t bear to be in the same room as me.

Distantly, I heard him talking on the phone.

I ran my fingers through the baby’s hair and kissed his cheeks and forehead. He grabbed my finger in his tiny fist and tried to put it in his mouth. Time passed quickly and Sledge soon returned. He didn’t say anything. I handed the baby over to him. I kissed the baby’s tiny fist, then grabbed my bag.

“My driver will take you back to your dorm,” he said. “I’ll call you in a couple days. Okay?”

To my surprise, Sledge wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to him. Maybe there was some room in his heart to forgive me. I clung to him hard, but not too hard, I was worried about crushing the baby between us.

He ran his hand down my back. With a sigh, he pulled away. He took a step back, the baby firmly in his arms. I knew the baby was in good hands with Sledge. He was probably better off with father than with me, I thought sadly.

“Call me if he needs anything… or if you need anything,” I said.

Sledge nodded. I didn’t want to leave the baby behind. The first time I lost him he was taken from me. Now I was the one leaving. I tried to tell myself this wasn’t forever. I believed Sledge when he said he’d never keep me from the baby. This was for the best. He was far more equipped to take care of him than I was.

“Wait,” Sledge said. He pulled out his wallet and gave me all the cash inside, six hundred dollars.

“What’s this for?”

“In case it’s not safe for you to go back to your dorm. You may need to get a hotel room. If that asshole shows up at your dorm, call me immediately. Do you understand?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want him coming anywhere near my son, or you.”

Knowing Sledge cared so strongly about the both of us made me feel a little better. I nodded. With one last look at the baby, I turned to go. I rode the elevator down to find Sledge’s driver. He looked at me with pity. I was sure he had no idea what had just transpired; I must have looked terrible though.

“This way, young lady,” he said, not unkindly. I did as he said and we drove back to my dorm.

16

The next day I decided to skip class. I’d managed to tell Astrid what happened, but I wasn’t sure she fully understood my fragmented, erratic retelling of the story. She offered to skip and stay with me, but I told her to go to class. I wanted to be alone. I could see her reluctance to leave. She didn’t trust me after the previous incident with the pills. Unconvincingly, I assured her I’d be fine.

“Of course you will be,” she’d said.

Later, when I got out of the shower, I noticed that some of the things on my side of the room had been moved. Astrid must have searched through my things looking for pills or anything I could hurt myself with. It made me uncomfortable to know she thought of me as untrustworthy, but I couldn’t blame her. I knew she was worried about me. It was nice to know someone cares about you.

Still, I couldn’t help feeling a bit hurt. The last few days had been a rollercoaster. I wanted Astrid to trust me. I wanted to lean on her, but she was determined to treat me like a child.

Once she was gone, I curled up into bed. I didn’t bother to dress. I laid in bed wearing nothing but a robe, my hair wet. I stared at the ceiling. The truth was exposed. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and replaced with a new one. My family had been hiding my baby in plain sight. I never suspected anything. How could I have been so blind? More importantly, how was I going to take care of him?

I’d have to drop out of school and get a job. I doubted Sledge wanted to be with me after learning I’d deceived him for over a year. We’d have to split custody. That might make things a little easier. I knew I should start looking for work immediately, but I couldn’t bring myself to start my job hunt. Everything was too raw. A wound that had never healed was bleeding freely again.

I needed a distraction. I pulled out my phone and opened the hockey message board. I knew I would regret it, but I wanted to see what they had to say about me. To my surprise, the tide had turned in my favor. The girls who hated me suddenly loved me. They saw me as the hero who saved Sledge from prison. Svetlana had become their villain. They said horrible things about her. They’d probably all go back to hating me again when they discovered Sledge and I had a baby together.

For the moment, they were rooting for me though. It felt strangely good. I shouldn’t have enjoyed it. The posters on the site had no idea who I was. They were only cheering me on because they thought I was like them. If they knew how fucked up I was they’d hate me more than Svetlana.

I opened my desk drawer and started pushing the pens and highlighters around. I hoped I’d find a stray pill lying in the bottom. I searched the dorm top to bottom and found nothing. Sickeningly, I thought Astrid was right not to trust me. If I had a bottle of pills, I’d take one after another until I felt nothing.

I couldn’t be that person anymore. I had a baby to take care of. I slammed the desk drawer shut with a new resolve: no pills, no booze. I couldn’t hide from my problems with pills anymore. Whatever will happen will happen. I had to focus on what I could control.

I jumped out of bed and dressed. I had six hundred dollars in my pocket. I would spend it on essentials for the baby. I drove to the mall and spent hours wandering around the children’s toys store and the toddler section of the clothing stores. I looked at onesies for newborns and older babies. I touched all the cribs and blankets. I wanted to give my baby the best of the best, but I couldn’t afford it. When an antique crib caught my attention I was determined to buy it. It was seven thousand dollars. My paltry six hundred wouldn’t buy me much.

I settled on a few toys. Sledge said he’d send his driver to pick up food and diapers. He would give the baby everything he needed. I couldn’t give him anything. Losing my baby only to get him back and discover I was useless, was a living nightmare.

I drove home to find a flurry of activity in my dorm room. Astrid was there, so was Sledge and two men in expensive suits. The baby was noticeably absent.

“Where have you been?” Sledge said, jumping up to greet me.

“Where’s the baby?” I asked.

“I left him with a nanny.”

That was fast. I’d spent all afternoon trying to pick out a cute outfit for the baby and Sledge had already hired a nanny. Of course he had the advantage of money on his side.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Where were you?” Sledge said again.

I showed him my bag. “I went to the mall.”

I pulled out the teddy bear and rattle. They suddenly looked cheap and raggedy. I was ashamed of myself for not getting the baby something nicer. Sledge gave me a pitying look. He wrapped his arms around me. Awkwardly, I hugged him back.

“I was worried,” he said.

His embrace felt better than I could have imagined. It warmed me to know he was worried about me. I looked past him to the men awkwardly standing in the middle of the dorm.

“These are my lawyers,” he said.

I swallowed hard. Were they here to hammer out custody details? Would Sledge try to get sole custody? I gave him a hard look and tried to divine what went on behind his hazel eyes.

“They’re here to talk to you about the case with Svetlana,” he said.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Sledge tells us you already spoke with the detectives,” the lawyer said.

“Yes. I wanted to clear his name.”

“That was brave of you- stupid, but brave.”

I looked to Astrid. She appeared as bewildered as I felt. “I just wanted Sledge’s name cleared. I couldn’t stand the idea of him going down for something he didn’t do.”

“Understandable,” the lawyer said, “but now we have the problem of keeping you out of prison. The cops already know you were responsible for Ms. Herzigova’s fall. She’s determined to press charges against you.”

It never occurred to me I might get my baby back only to lose him because I was in prison. What the hell had my life turned into?

“The good news,” his partner said, “is that she’s already tried to falsely accuse Sledge. The law enforcement officers know that she’s a liar. Now she’s trying to frame you. We’re confident we can make this case go away.”

“That’s good,” I said.

“The damage may be done however. Ms. Herzigova can make your life difficult. She has money and connections. She may go to the press with this story and try to destroy your reputation. The fallout could be ruinous. We can sue of course. I’m confident we would win in fact. But these cases can drag on for years; by then the damage will be done.”

“We’ve already forced her to retract her story about Sledge under threat of a lawsuit. She’s released a statement disavowing all reports of an attempted murder and the police have released a statement saying Sledge is no longer a suspect nor will charges be filed.”

“That’s all that matters,” I said.

“No,” Sledge replied. “What matters is clearing your name. I won’t let your reputation be ruined over this. What if she manages to get you kicked out of school?”

I was so exhausted with all the problems in my life that I didn’t even care.

“School may not be an option for me anymore,” I said.

“What are you talking about?”

I looked at the lawyers and Astrid. This was a conversation Sledge and I should have in private.

“Svetlana’s not going to get away with this,” Sledge said. “If it comes down to it, I’ll expose all her bullshit in retaliation.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant, but it wouldn’t surprise me to learn Svetlana had a lot of skeletons in her closet.

“I don’t want you to worry about her.”

“I can’t advice you do anything illegal,” the lawyer said. “Though, if you are in possession if information that could be used as leverage, it would give us an advantage.”

That was lawyer-speak for blackmail. I hoped Sledge had some good dirt on her.

“I’ve got videotapes and pictures of her doing coke and acting crazy. The media will eat it up. She’ll lose several multimillion dollar contracts if those images ever see the light of day.”

“Hand everything over to us. Do not talk to her. We’ll see that the message is delivered to her. Once she sees how damaging this material is she’ll back off,” the lawyer said.

They made it sound so easy. I hoped they were right.

“Bobbi and I need to talk in private,” Sledge said to everyone in the room.

“Of course,” one of the lawyers responded. “We’ll leave you alone. Remember: do not talk to anyone.”

I nodded as they left. Astrid excused herself so Sledge and I could have some privacy.

“How is the baby?” I asked.

“He’s good.”

“Do you have everything he needs?”

“Yeah.”

“Diapers? Formula?”

“He has everything.”

“Will you give him this?” I handed the bag of baby toys to Sledge.

“No. You should give it to him.”

We stood a foot apart, though it felt like a great chasm had opened up between us.

“I’m taking a break from hockey.”

“What?”

It was just as I feared. This was going to ruin him.

“Just for a few games,” he said. “We all need time to get settled. I think the coach was relieved. I’ve been getting a lot of heat lately.”

I only nodded. In the old days, I would have lectured Sledge on his temper. Fighting is part of hockey, but fighting your own teammates is ridiculous. He needed to get his temper in check. I didn’t say this though. Lecturing Sledge felt wrong after how I’d deceived him.

“What did you mean about school not being an option?” he asked.

“Things have to change now. I’ll have to get a job to help support the baby. I can’t raise a baby, work and go to school.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re going to finish college. I’ll pay for it.”

“But-”

He held up his hand silencing me. “Please, don’t argue with me.”

I kept my mouth shut. I could tell he was beyond stressed out. He didn’t need me make things worse. I didn’t feel good taking his money, but who was I kidding? I needed him.

“You can’t raise a baby here,” he said. “You can stay with me until we can find a place for the two of you. We’ll work out custody.”

He ran his hands through his hair. The whole conversation was surreal. I never thought we’d be discussing the baby let alone custody agreements. Sledge was handling this better than I thought he would even though he could barely look me in the eye.

“Do you want to talk about the pills?” he said.

I froze in place. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play games with me, Bobbi. We’re way beyond that. Astrid told me you OD’d. She said you did it on purpose.”

I felt as if I’d forgotten how to breathe. I took a deep breath, but felt starved for oxygen.

“It was a stupid mistake. I don’t take pills anymore.”

“How long have you been taking them?”

“About a year…” I admitted. “…since they took the baby away from me.”

Sledge turned away from me. At first I thought he was mad at me, then he said: “I’m going to fucking kill him. Christ, Bobbi, why didn’t you come to me? We could have done something. I could have stopped him.”

“I was scared. He convinced me that I’d ruin your life and I’d shame my family. When I had the baby, they immediately took him away from me. No one asked me what I wanted. They let me hold him for a minute then he was snatched away. I was told he was adopted into a good family. I had no idea they were hiding him from me.”

“You never suspected anything?”

“No. I swear. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my aunt that I knew something was off. I heard a baby crying in the background. She claimed it was just the TV, but it sounded real. That’s why I went over there. I figured if I ambushed her she couldn’t pass the baby off to someone.”

“Who was taking care of him while you were staying with her on the weekends?”

“Her church friends, apparently.”

Sledge grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall. I jumped

“You don’t even know?”

I shook my head, no. Sledge’s hands shook. They were balled into fists at his side. He took a breath. I could see the effort it took to control himself.

“Look, I’m not mad at you,” he said. “It’s your father and this whole situation… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You have every right to be angry. In a twisted way, I kind of envy you.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been so pathetic. I’ve let these things happen to me while I sit around feeling sorry for myself and cowering in fear. If I had an ounce of your anger, maybe I could have changed things. Maybe I could have stood up to my father and ended this. Our lives could be different, but I was too big of a coward to change things.”

“This isn’t your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. Your father is a bully. He’s manipulated you and bullied you to the point that you’re too scared to make a decision. The thought of him having control over my son…”