Six Years (15 page)

She turned around and walked away and I didn’t even ask her where she was going or how she would go back to the hotel. She wasn’t the one I needed here and I was too much of a mess to care about anything else. Everything was falling apart and me too.

* * *

BROOKLYN

Knocks at the door and then on the window next to the front door woke me up from my weird dream in which I was looking at Nolan's back, never able to see his face. I blinked in the dark and turned to my left side. I squinted at the alarm clock. It was two in the morning! What the Hell!

A new round of knocks startled me. They were louder this time, almost desperate. I pushed the thin cover off my body and stood up. Dizzy with sleep, I padded out of my small bedroom and past the living room to open the door slightly, peeking to see who could be crazy enough to be knocking at my door at two in the morning.

"I need to see you. Please," Nolan asked me brokenly as soon as I turned the doorknob.

Without thinking or questioning my sanity, I let him in. He looked like hell. Dark rings under his bright hazel eyes gave him a haunted look, his forehead was marred with worry lines and his mouth wasn't its seductive bow I could spend hours thinking about. No, instead his mouth was set in a straight line. His stubble was darker too and his hair was a mess, not calculated this time. He had the same clothes on and his tee-shirt was wrinkled everywhere.

He leaned against the closed front door and closed his eyes. I waited without a sound, without saying a word. He needed some comfort and I wouldn't push him away, not when I had a good idea of what kind of a mess his head must be right now. His mother had always been his sore spot, and now that he was confronted with both her and losing her...I couldn't imagine what it must be like for him.

"They gave her something to sleep when they finished their tests. She was asleep when I saw her." His voice was raw and underneath it all, I heard how lost he felt. But why did he come to find me? He was with his girlfriend when I left, she should be the one holding him now that he needed it.

"It's for the best. She was very tired when I came back from work yesterday. She needs to rest to get better."

His eyes snapped open and he scoffed. "Get better? Don't tell me you believe that shit."

"I mean better to go back home. I'm not an idiot, I saw how bad she already is,’’ I replied evenly, trying to not show any sign of anger or aggravation. I had to keep in mind that he wasn't feeling good and it had nothing to do with me...or us.

"I'm sorry," he said in a sigh. His shoulders hunched over and his eyes looked away into the darkness of the apartment only lit by the moon. I had yet to buy curtains, but if I wanted to eat this month, it would have to wait a little. "Here I am, coming to you in the middle of the night and I lash out at you."

"It's okay, I understand." I fidgeted some while silence settled between us. "Do you want something to drink?"

"You're underage so I bet you don't have a stiff drink," he said with a forced smile. It did nothing to soften the worry lines on his face and it made me hurt.

"I don't think that getting wasted here would be such a good idea anyway," I pointed out with a shaky laugh, trying to keep the images of us kissing at bay, of his pushing me against the wall.

He walked to the couch and sat heavily. He put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Seeing him that way made me want to hug him, but I didn't dare to. I padded to the other side of the couch and sat, careful to keep a respectable space between us. Just to be sure that I wouldn't do something I'd regret.

"I thought you'd never want to open your door for me with the way you left the hospital," he mumbled into his hands, his voice muffled by his palms.

"You can count on me, you know that."

He straightened and his eyes bore a hole into me. I shivered and cursed at myself for not wearing something that would cover me more. I was only in a light grey-blue tank top and a black shorts. I was very aware of the amount of skin I was showing.

"But you left." His fingers clenched in his hair.

"Because you weren't alone. It was easier."

"Easier for you."

I nodded. "Yeah, for me. I will always look out for you in one way or another, but I have to look out for me too. I'm not a martyr, Nolan, so when it hurts too much, I step away." I played with the end of a few strands of red locks, entwining them between my fingers. Nolan followed the move, his Adam's apple bobbing as he slowly lowered his gaze, caressing every inch of bare skin. I felt it molten my bones and it scared me. This intensity while everything was unresolved scared me to no end and I hated that.

"I didn't want to hurt you, but when you called, we were talking."

"Don't apologize because you brought your girlfriend to the hospital. It's perfectly understandable."

"But she was awful to you when you helped my mom. She shouldn't have and I'm sorry." He was pleading with his eyes for me to understand and even if a part of me understood, the bigger part resented him and her. But I hid it.

"Stop it. She's being a bitch to me because she feels threatened or something. It's ridiculous, though. Right?" I shouldn't ask something like that, fishing for something when I shouldn't be so focused on this.

"Not so much," he answered quietly.

My breathing stalled and a boulder appeared in my throat. My skin pebbled and heated while my heart pumped more and more blood, always faster and faster, making me even dizzier than I already was.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure, Brooklyn, but I want you and I can't shake it off."

While my body hummed in approval, my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. Resuming what happened between us in such a way was not easy for me to hear. I put myself whole on display, without restriction, ready to be hurt and scarred, but it didn’t seem like enough.

"That's all you want? Sex?"

He shook his head and cleared his throat before he fidgeted with the hem of his tee-shirt. "I don't know. When I left New York I had a sweet girlfriend and I was happy with her, starting to make plans for the future while working on my next book. It had been a little strained, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And now...now everything is upside down."

"Did you want to move in with her or propose to her?" My heart was beating slower now, but I felt every heartbeat in every cells of my being. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.

Unwavering because he wasn't one to elude the answers, he kept his eyes on me. "Yes to both."

It's funny how you think your heart couldn’t be more broken up, but ended up more shredded than before. I'd never been hit by a car, but if I had to guess, I was pretty sure it wouldn't be more painful. And with the pain I was feeling, I couldn't take a pain reliever. I clenched my jaw and thanked my control over my feelings.

"Then focus on this, on your future with her. If you thought about it, it means that you love her deeply. Don't let your past hold you back or mess with your life. The past has to stay in the past."

"Life isn't that simple."

"It's not simple." I clasped my hands together on my lap, entwining my fingers to try and find some comfort. "You should talk with your mother tomorrow and go back to your life in New York as soon as possible and everything will go back the way it's supposed to."

"And you? Us?"

"I'll be fine. My life is here." I took a deep breath, willing silently for my tears to wait for his departure before they fell. "As for us, there is no us, not really. We tried to catch up, I told you how I feel and that's all. I'm sure something could have been great between us, but we missed our chance. It happens."

"You shouldn't settle for less than you can expect or dream of, Brooklyn. You could study music at college and we could keep in touch."

"Just...drop it." I was so fucking tired of it all. Thinking about my future wasn't something I wanted on my plate right now. "I don't want to talk about my life or anything else. Go back to your girlfriend and talk with her. She's the one you truly want."

"How could you know? I kissed you, I got jealous thinking about you with someone else, I hated to see you with Mike... Fuck. What does it mean?"

"Nothing if you have a girlfriend. Or a weak moment if you really want to put a label on it."

"You're pushing me away when just yesterday you pulled me to you. Why?"

"I don't want to spend my life expecting something from you you can't give me. Life is too short. I’ve spent years hung up on you. Years, Nolan! I can't do this to myself anymore."

He nodded and tugged with his teeth on his lip ring. Without my consent, my eyes landed on it and my lips tingled. I forced myself to look away and at the front door.

"I guess I should go now," he said with finality, sadness pouring through his words and soothing slightly my wounded heart. At least, even if it was nothing compared to what he felt for his girlfriend, he did feel sad for letting go. He stood up and walked back to the door, slowly, maybe waiting for me to stop him, but I didn't. Oh! I wanted to, but I didn't. I gave him an exit and he took it. I wouldn't be the only one fighting for us, for something to happen.

Just before the door clicked closed after him, a sob broke free from me, taking me by surprise. The door came crashing open against the wall and Nolan sprinted back in, his eyes blazing on me as he ate the space between us.

Watching Big No with his friend was different. He was different. His face was harder to read, his eyes held the kind of boredom I never saw when we're just the two of us and he said way more curses.

"Keep it PG-rated Mike," Big No said to his friend with even bigger muscles than him. Big No waved at me still sitting on the chair at his desk littered with textbooks and papers with no apparent order.

Mike laughed and punched him on the shoulder. "I'm sure she heard worse if you keep her around."

"She's twelve fucking years-old." Big No glared at the guy and he lit a cigarette. He had never smoked around me and when the smoke hit me, it was like my lungs were burning up. Even my eyes were hurting. And the smell was awful.

"Why is she here then?" Mike asked him as if I wasn't even in the same room. It was the third time I had seen him and I didn't like him very much.

I scowled at him, but neither one of them glanced my way. "Because I was here before you, jerk."

Both guys snapped their attention to me and I tried to hide my urge to bring a hand to my mouth and apologize. Instead, I sat straighter and defied that guy to say something. I was twelve and they were eighteen, but it was no reason to treat me that way. And I never let anyone bully me, even the slightest.

"Little B!" Big No admonished me after he found back his composure. But I saw his mouth twitching upward. He wasn’t really mad.

But it was Mike who surprised me the most. He laughed. Head thrown back and eyes closed, his laugh was free and contagious. I chuckled and relaxed. Finally. He calmed down and looked back at me, his focus intent on my face before he turned back to our friend.

"She's cute. She's going to be a looker. I bet ya she'll be hard to follow. Ready for that, Big No?"

For his only answer he groaned and brought the cigarette back to his mouth before his eyes locked on mine, unmoving and not blinking. I would give anything I had to know what he was thinking, but it was impossible and I hated it. Was he thinking about how young I was? Was he thinking about the next few years when we'll be apart? What was he thinking?

"She's got more sense than to trust dicks like us," he replied after a while and I felt myself blush at the d-word.

"At least she's still very innocent," laughed Mike when he saw my red face and suddenly I wanted to leave and lock myself up in the comfort of my room. There, I wouldn't feel so out of place, I wouldn't feel the gap between Big No and me as I felt it whenever he was with one of his friends.

"I hate it when you two talk about me as if I’m not in the same room."

"Sorry, Little B," Big No apologized immediately with a rueful smile.

Mike scoffed but said nothing. Instead, he stood up and grabbed his car keys that were on the bed near the foot. "Sure you won't come tonight? Shannon will be there."

Big No shook his head and put the finished cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table. "'Not in the mood."

Mike shrugged and nodded. With a wave over his shoulder, he walked out and I sighed. Big No heard me in the quiet room and chuckled. With his left hand, he tapped the mattress for me to join him as we were used to. I ran and jumped next to him, a large smile on my face. But when I smelt the smoke and tobacco on him, I cringed.

"I prefer when you smell of body wash and yourself than that."

He looked down at me and snaked an arm around my small shoulders. "You don't like me smoking?" he asked with a soft voice, something he never used in front of someone else. My Big No was back and only for me.

"I hate it. And it's bad for you."

"I won't smoke again then," he replied easily and kissed my forehead. "I don't want to disappoint you, my Little B."

"You can't disappoint me."

"How's that?"

"You just can't."

He leaned his head back against the bedpost and closed his eyes. "You don't know. Look at my mother. She hadn't always been like that."

"It's different. You have your dreams and as long as you have them you'll do great."

"It's freaky sometimes how older you sound. It's hard to always remember that you're so much younger."

It was one of the best things he ever said to me. My heart was swelling and my smile couldn't be bigger.