HARMONY
Dear Journal,
I don't know what the hell I was thinking having all these damn kids, this shit is hard as hell, even with a man. If I had it to do all over again, I would have been on like three birth controls, the pill, condoms, and the sponge. I know people say you shouldn't live with regrets, but I do. Am I wrong?
Am I the only one that gets tired of her kids ? Am I the only one that wants to up and disappear? It's not that they're disruptive or disobedient. Because believe me, I know some people with some badass kids that need to be knocked upside the head.
It's just that motherhood is all-consuming. It's like your life is no longer your own, you have to be concerned with another person all day, every day and you no longer exist as an individual.
I know, I know, I made the decision to have my babies, but damn, can a sister get a break ?
Your homegirl, Harmony
A
s usual, Harmony was running late but it was hard to be on time when you have three kids. Her boss never took that shit into consideration. The last time she came to work late, he called her into the office, slammed the door behind her, and told her if she was late one more time, it was a wrap. He was going to fire her ass and she knew he meant it. Harmony couldn't think of anything to say to make him change his mind because in a way, she was hoping he did just that. She was tired of her job and tired of being under his perverted-ass supervision.
When she glanced at the clock, Harmony cringed; damn, she was already more than forty minutes late, by the time she walked through the door, she'd be more than an hour and a half late.
Shit, she didn't know why she was even going in. Maybe she should bite the bullet, accept the inevitable, call out, and deal with being fired.
As she was thinking these thoughts, her phone rang. Shareef had taken the kids to school and she was home alone. Normally, when she was trying to get ready for work she'd let it ring, because she knew once she started talking, it was no telling how long before she hung up.
Harmony looked at the phone; should she answer it, risk having a conversation, and risk losing her job?
Yes, she should because the truth was her mind was made up, that half-ass job could kiss her ass. Yes, she needed the money, but on the real, she was tired of putting up with her boss's bullshit and harassment.
She knew he wanted to sleep with her because of things he would say, sexual innuendos and whatnot. Just last week he tried to brush up against her. She'd already made up her mind if he did that shit one more time, either she was going to beat his ass or worse, let Shareef know and then he'd get the real beat down.
Harmony walked over to the caller ID and saw that it was her cousin, Jewell.
She picked up the phone. “What's up, ho?”
Jewell laughed. “You're the ho. What are you doing at home anyway? Aren't you supposed to be at work?”
“If you know I'm suppose to be at work, why the hell are you calling me?”
“Because I know you and your late ass.”
Harmony laughed. She couldn't respond because Jewell spoke only the truth. “So what's up?”
“I know you've been looking for a new job and I just might have an opportunity for you.”
“For real?” Harmony felt the anticipation rising. She hoped Jewell wasn't playing her, but then again, her cousin would never do that.
“Yes, for real.”
“You know I love you, right.”
“Yeah, yeah. I just figured since you're ready to move on and up, whatever I can do to help, I will. We both know that working at a cabstand isn't going to get you anywhere near where you want to be.”
Jewell was right, working at a cabstand just wasn't the move anymore. She needed to be an example for her kids and one of the ways of doing so would be to get a more professional job.
“So where is it?” Harmony wanted to know.
“Elsie is starting aâ”
Harmony cut Jewell off. “Ain't that the gay chick you used to work for?”
“She's my friend.”
“And?”
“You know what, never mind about the job, you're not ready yet, if you're going to have that attitude, maybe they're better off hiring someone else.”
The last thing Harmony wanted Jewell to do was hang up. She needed this opportunity.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was ignorant. I didn't mean anything by it.”
“Dang,” Jewell joked. “I always have to bring a bitch up, don't I?”
Harmony knew Jewell was half-joking and half-serious with that comment. She was always helping her mature. Although Jewell was her older cousin, she acted more like a sister. She did a lot for her, when they were younger and as they got older. She was her best friend, her rock, her support, and her kids' godmother.
Harmony used to feel like there was nothing she could do for Jewell to compensate for her love.
“I'm not there for you to get something in return, I'm there for you because we're family,” Jewell would tell her.
Harmony still wanted to return the favors and when Jewell finally came to her a year ago for advice, she was more than happy to give it.
Even though it was relationship advice she was asking, something Harmony really wasn't qualified to give, she did it the best way she knew how, by being honest, raw, and straight to the point.
Jewell was torn between two men: her baby's daddy and a white man, Evan, who treated her like a queen. After thinking about and talking about it constantly, Jewell ended up staying with King, her son's father, because to her, it was the right thing to do. Plus, she still loved him and for her son Tyson, keeping her family together was worth it.
“What's the job? Is it at the law firm?” Harmony hoped not, because she didn't feel ready for that, it was over her head.
“Would it matter if it was?” Jewell asked. She knew why Harmony asked. “You never give yourself any credit. You're smart, Harmony, if you don't believe it, no one else will.”
“No, it wouldn't matter,” Harmony responded with hesitance in her voice.
“Good, I'm glad to hear that. But it's not, it's at the Essence of Self Center.
“What's that?”
“Elise started a nonprofit organization. She's going to be helping women and girls get ahead by offering workshops and having a place to meet.”
“Shit, it sounds like the place I need to be. I'm past ready to better myself and stop depending on a man.”
“Good for you, Harmony. But you know Shareef is a good man and you really shouldn't knock or belittle what he does.”
“Oh, hell no! I'm not knocking it at all. I'm just ready to achieve something on my own, I'm ready to upgrade. I'm even thinking about going back to school.”
“For real?” Harmony could hear the approval in Jewell's voice.
“Yep,” Harmony continued. “I think it's time for me to get my GED and maybe even register for college.”
As Harmony said the words out loud, she found herself feeling both excited and anxious. To say the words out loud was one thing, to put action behind them was another, but she wasn't going to let fear stop her.
What if she failed the GED test? What if she found that she wasn't as smart as she thought she was? What if she turned out to be a dumb ass?
Harmony was fed up with being a statistic, with being just another black girl who had babies way too young by different men. She was tired of being a young black girl who didn't finish school and started fucking way too early. She didn't want to be another black girl that wasn't going anywhere in life.
“What's the position?”
“Administrative assistant.”
“Does that mean I need to know how to type?”
“Do you?”
Harmony, embarrassed, answered honestly, “Not real fast, I have to look at the keys a lot.”
“Well, here's what you do,” Jewell advised. “Go to the library, get one of those learn-how-to-type programsâbetter yet, download one from the Internet and start practicing right now. You need to know how to type and not just for this job, but most jobs require that skill. You're also going to need it if you plan on going back to school.”
Harmony knew her cousin was offering good advice and she was going to take it.
“So,” Harmony asked, “should I call and set up an interview?”
“Yes, she's expecting you.”
“Thanks, cuz, this means a lot to me.”
“Now, Harmony, this doesn't mean you got the job, it just means you got the shot at an interview.”
“I understand.”
“And dress professionally, be on time, and don't speak that hood shit.”
Another person would have been insulted but Jewell had traveled the road Harmony was taking now. Therefore, whatever Jewell told her to do or not to do, it was in her best interest to listen.
“I'll call this afternoon.”
“Good.”
Harmony felt a sense of relief, because maybe this was a sign that she was on her way to bigger and better things.
Changing the subject, Harmony asked Jewell about King. “How are things going between you two?”
“Girl,” Jewell said, “things are what they are.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means we've fallen into a rut, the relationship rut.”
Harmony knew just what she meant because she and Shareef were in that rut as well. For them it was the sexual rut. Hell, they were lucky if they made love once a week.
Harmony could tell that Shareef was getting pissed off about not having sex. What was she to do? She couldn't help it when her mind was preoccupied with other things like life, school, her kids, and moving out the hood. When her mind raced this way the last thing on her mind was sex.
“I can't stop thinking about Evan,” Jewell admitted, interrupting Harmony's thoughts.
“See, I knew that shit would happen especially after you ran into him those few times. Your ass better be careful, because like you told me, you have a good man.”
“You ain't telling me anything I don't already know. But girl, that white boy knew he could eat some pussy.”
Harmony laughed. “Are you saying King can't?”
“I'm not saying that at all, but with Evan, it was different, he devoured my shit.”
“Good pussy eating does not make a good man, look at Ny'em. He tore my shit up when he did it and he ended up being an asshole. You and I both know you made the right decision by staying with King. If I had it to do it again, I would have chosen to have my kids by a man as good as King.”
“You have a man as good as King right now and he acts likes a father to all those knuckleheads,” Jewell reminded her.
“That I do and that he does.”
Shortly after they hung up, Harmony thought about the job Jewell was trying to hook her up with. She was definitely going to call. If she got the job, maybe she could get some sort of counseling while she was there. She needed someone to help her figure out her life.
Jewell didn't call her job, she knew her ass was fired, so she figured
why bother, it was time to move on anyway.