Sinful Nights (57 page)

‘C
LAIRE, AFTER DINNER
tonight, when the children are in bed, I’d like to talk to you.’

Over the last two weeks she had barely seen Jay. Ever since their return from Dallas, there had been a kind of armed and guarded tension between them, an atmosphere unlike anything she had experienced before, but which set her nerves on edge so much that she was steadily losing weight.

Jay didn’t look too good either, she noticed, turning to look at him. She had avoided doing that recently; it hurt too much. Now she saw that there were deep grooves of tiredness carved along his face, and that his tan had faded, leaving him looking almost sallow. Of course he had been working hard—and late almost every night. They were busy, but she also knew that he stayed away because he didn’t want to come home.

What had happened to the comfortable, pleasant relationship they had been building up before they went to Dallas? Her love had happened to it, that was what. She had fallen in love with him, and now she was unable to let herself relax with him because she was mortally afraid of what she might betray.

But it wasn’t just she who had changed. Jay had changed too: he had become remote and withdrawn. Sometimes she found him watching her with a brooding expression in his eyes, and she thought she knew the reason. Whatever he might have said to her, or told himself, he still loved Susie, and it had been that day when he held her in his arms and realised that she was not his first wife that he had discovered this. She was convinced of it.

Now, hearing him say that they needed to talk made her heart bump and jolt with shock and fear. What was he going to say to her? She looked at him out of the corner of her eye and saw that his face was wearing the blanked-off, almost bitter look that had become so familiar to her recently.

‘They’ve gone up to have their baths now,’ she told him tonelessly. ‘They were both tired tonight.’

Even so, it was over an hour before both girls were settled. ‘I’ll go down and make some coffee.’

Jay shook his head. ‘I’ll do that. You do enough.’ His mouth compressed slightly. ‘You go and sit down.’

She was too nervous to sit down, and instead she paced the sitting-room floor nervously. Next week the workmen were due to start; she had shown Jay the colour schemes she had chosen, but his response had been abstracted and remote. Perhaps he was regretting giving her
carte blanche
with the décor, and that was what he wanted to talk to her about. Perhaps he had now decided that he wanted the house to remain as it was—as Susie had decorated it.

When he came in with the coffee, Claire was staring unseeingly out of one of the windows.

‘Come and sit down.’ His voice sounded rough and he looked tense. ‘Please come and sit down, Claire,’ he amended, mistaking the reason for her frozen stance. He ran impatient fingers through his hair and added rawly, ‘This is bad enough as it is. When we married I made you certain promises and …’

‘And now you’re having second thoughts.’ She marvelled at her own calm. How cool and controlled she sounded; she was really quite proud of herself. Inwardly she was awash with intense pain and agony. She knew now what Jay wanted to say to her; he wanted to tell her that their marriage wasn’t working out, that he couldn’t live with her any more because she wasn’t Susie.

‘How did you
know?
’ He was frowning heavily and looked pale. ‘I thought I’d …’

‘Hidden how you feel?’ She smiled mirthlessly. ‘Some things can’t be hidden, Jay.’

‘I see.’ His voice was heavy. ‘I hadn’t realised you’d guessed how I felt. Well, since you have, what do you suggest we do about it?’

‘What do
I
suggest? She stared at him. ‘There’s nothing I can do, Jay.’

For a moment he just stared back at her, and then his face tightened and he was walking towards her, quickly and almost menacing, his whole body taut with tension.

When his fingers curled round her arm she tried to jerk away, but he wouldn’t release her. Instead he shook her, the aura of suppressed violence emanating from him so totally alien to his normal manner that she couldn’t take it in properly.

‘
Nothing
you can do? Nothing you
will
do, don’t you mean?’ he grated bitterly. ‘For God’s sake, Claire,
you must know what it’s doing to me living with you like this!’

‘Of course I know! Do you think I can’t see the changes in you? But what can I do? I can’t bring her back for you, Jay! I can’t be Susie.’

‘Susie?’ He released her so quickly that she half stumbled against the sofa. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

His face had gone white with rage, the anger glittering in his eyes making her take a step back.

‘Jay, you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fact that you’re having second thoughts about our marriage because you’ve discovered you still love Susie.’

There was a long, long silence and then, speaking slowly and spacing the words out as though he was having the greatest difficulty in forming the words, Jay said thickly, ‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this. Are you for real?’ He shook his head. ‘You’re way, way off beam!’

‘But you agreed that you were having second thoughts …’

‘About the
terms
of our marriage, not what happened in the past. I’ve fallen in love with you, Claire,’ he told her flatly, ‘and I want you in all the ways a man wants the woman he loves. I want to feel your skin against my hands, I want to touch it with my lips, I want to spread your hair out over my pillow and thread it through my fingers. Just the way you turn your head is enough to burn me up, do you know that? I want this, Claire,’ he told her roughly, taking her in his arms and bringing his mouth down hard on the softness of hers.

The kiss took her by surprise, her mouth tremulous
and soft beneath his, her tongue retreating shyly from the fierce invasion of his. She could feel his heart thudding furiously against her body. She could feel the tension in him—and the arousal, she acknowledged as she shook with shock and disbelief.

Abruptly his mouth left hers and she was free. Free to stare wide-eyed at him, to touch tremulous fingertips to her mouth. She saw his eyes darken and a hot flush of colour burn along his face, and her stomach lifted and plunged.

‘But you can’t love me …’

‘Why not?’ he laughed hollowly. ‘Because you don’t love me? Life isn’t like that, Claire.’

‘But you didn’t love me when you proposed marriage.’

‘No,’ he agreed, dragging in a lungful of air and fighting for self-control. More calmly he continued, ‘No, I didn’t, but I did like you very much, both as a woman and as a person. I liked your quick intelligence, your interest in other people, your compassion, your womanliness. A womanliness it seemed a miracle you had kept when I knew what had happened to you. I saw the love and caring you gave Lucy, and I wanted that caring for my own child—and then for myself. After Susie left me I swore I’d never enter a permanent romantic relationship with any woman again. I knew I couldn’t put up with the sort of infidelity and cheating I’d had with Susie. It was my own fault; I should never have married her. I should have let her have her abortion and we should have gone our separate ways, but I couldn’t believe she meant it. I couldn’t believe she didn’t want our child. I thought she was just being independent
and proud and that really she wanted marriage. I threatened to tell her parents what she was planning to do if she didn’t marry me, and she never forgave me for that—or for making her have Heather. When you told me how Lucy was conceived and how you felt about sex I knew you’d never be unfaithful to me. I knew then that I desired you, but I told myself I could control it. It was only later after we were married that I realised I couldn’t, and with that realisation came others, like how much happiness and extra dimensionality you’d brought to my life; like how eager I was to come home to you and the girls; before I knew it, I’d made the transition from liking to loving …’

‘And does loving me mean that you want me physically?’ Claire asked him.

His eyes didn’t waver. ‘Yes,’ he said gravely. ‘I’ve already told you that. Wanting you, desiring you … those are a part of my love.’

‘But in Dallas you pushed me away!’

His eyes narrowed incredulously. ‘Pushed you away? For God’s sake, Claire, how much self-control do you think I have? You were completely naked, I was holding you in my arms. I wanted to take you to bed right there and then, and show you how I felt about you,’ he admitted flatly, adding in a thick and unfamiliar voice, ‘although, the way I was feeling, I doubt that I’d have made it as far as the bed!’

She shook visibly with the effect of what he was saying, knowing that he was telling her the truth, but totally unable to take it in.

‘What on earth gave you the idea I still loved Susie?’

‘The way you rejected me. I thought you were wishing
I was her, and then since we got back from Dallas, you’ve been so distant.’

‘So have you,’ he pointed out.

‘Yes, but …’

‘But what? Was it because I kissed you, Claire? Did I frighten you so much that you felt you had to keep me at a distance?’

The anguish in his eyes was too much for her to bear.

‘I wasn’t frightened of you. I was … I was frightened of myself, Jay, frightened of how you made me feel, of …’

‘How
do
I make you feel?’

He had never looked less urbane and in control, and she had never loved him more, she thought achingly, watching the expressions race across his face; dread … hope … need.

‘You make me feel …’ She broke off and licked her lips nervously. She heard him make a strangled sound deep in his chest and looked at him with wide nervous eyes.

‘Claire?’ His voice pleaded and begged, and promised terrible retribution if she strung out his torment any longer.

‘You make me feel like a woman,’ she told him huskily. ‘You make me … want you, Jay … You make me love you.’

There was a long, poignant silence and then he said softly, ‘Come here.’

She almost ran into his open arms. They closed round her so tightly she could hardly breathe. He kissed her hungrily, running his tongue over her top lip and then the bottom one, probing their softness.

‘open your mouth.’

She shuddered as his tongue touched hers, but not with revulsion. As he felt her shudder, Jay raised his head, his eyes dark with pain. ‘It’s too soon, isn’t it?’ he whispered rawly. ‘I’m rushing you too much. God knows I don’t want to hurt or frighten you. I want to give you all the time there is. I want to cherish and protect you. I …’

She knew all that. She also knew gloriously and freely that she wanted him. Here and now at this moment in time, she wanted to be at one with him in a celebration of their love.

Raising herself up on tiptoe, she leaned towards him, cupping his face running her tongue over his top lip in the way he had caressed hers, and then beyond it, feeling the faint prickle of his beard. ‘Make love to me, Jay.’ She interspersed the words with soft kisses. ‘I want to be your wife, to bear your child. I want …’

She felt his indrawn breath and shivered heatedly in delight as his mouth opened over hers.

She was drowning in pleasure, floating in a delicious sensuous haze. She felt his hands on her body, and made a soft sound of satisfaction as he stripped it free of clothes. Her breasts filled his hands as though they were made for them, her nipples tight and urgent with desire.

‘I think we’d better go upstairs.’

She didn’t want to be apart from him, and she twined her arms around him, burying her hot face in his throat, tasting the salt heat of his skin.

‘Claire, you’re not making this easy for me.’

She didn’t listen; she was too busy struggling with
the buttons on his shirt. When he helped her with them she murmured a pleased sigh of pleasure, raking her nails gently through the darkness of his chest hair.

It
was
soft. She bent her head and pressed her face against his body. He shuddered and moaned something unintelligible into her ear, his mouth devouring the arched line of her throat and then beyond.

When his lips gently caressed the taut hardness of her nipple Claire thought she would faint from the pleasure. She clung to him as it coiled through her, unashamedly digging her fingers into his back, her body arching suplicatingly.

Somehow they were lying on the floor, supported by the cushions Jay had dragged off the sofa. The power and beauty of his naked body thrilled and aroused her. His hands stroked her skin and she was filled with a wanton delight, giving herself to him easily and eagerly, twisting and writhing against him as his hands and lips brought her to the edge of ecstasy.

It was she who begged him to enter her, sensing that he was fearful of hurting her, but her body welcomed him joyfully, his mouth absorbing her delirious cries of pleasure as they surged together to the glittering tantalising heights and then finally fell slowly back to earth.

‘W
HAT ARE YOU DOING
?’

Claire had fallen asleep after they had made love, but now she was awake, watching Jay pick up their discarded clothes. He was wearing a towelling robe and she was covered in a duvet.

‘We don’t want the girls asking awkward questions, do we?’ He abandoned his task and came over to her.
‘How
could
you think I still loved Susie?’ he groaned against her mouth, taking her in his arms.

‘I don’t know.’ Claire gave him a smile that was purely mischievous. ‘Perhaps you ought to convince me again that you don’t … just to be on the safe side … The safe side!’ Her face changed, and Jay frowned and stared at her.

‘What is it?’ he demanded roughly. ‘Claire, what’s wrong?
Did
I hurt you after all? Did …’

‘It’s nothing like that. I love you, Jay, and I know you’d never hurt me. It’s just …’

‘What?’

She coloured delicately and offered with a small laugh, ‘Well, I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and …’

‘And?’

‘We didn’t take any precautions, Jay. I could have a baby!’