Sinful Nights (23 page)

They had questioned her about what she had been doing with Gordon and in vain she had told them they had simply been kissing, blushing bright painful red to admit as much, but they had refused to believe her, saying why should they when she had already deceived them once by attending the party in the first place, and all the time Joel Hargreaves’ watchful eyes had been on her, deriding … scorning … making her feel dirty and humiliated.

And her humiliation had not ended there. There had been a visit to their doctor; an examination which had left her racked with anguish and mental agony; and then she had been sent away to school. So that Amanda wouldn’t have to bear the disgrace of a promiscuous younger sister, her parents had said.

It had taken years for Lissa to accept that she was not what her parents had called her; but the events of that night and the days which had followed had left her permanently scarred. To allow a man to so much as
touch her was to relive again all that anguish; to endure the biting contempt in Joel Hargreaves’ eyes when he looked down at her lying on the narrow bed with Gordon, her brief dress exposing all the long length of her legs, her mouth swollen from Gordon’s kisses, all her tender, vulnerable adolescent emotions exposed to the cruel scrutiny of his worldliness.

‘If you’ve finished with the table …’

It was several seconds before Lissa realised the waitress was speaking to her and that people were waiting for her to vacate her table. Almost stumbling she got to her feet and hurried out into the bitter February afternoon. Strange how fate worked. If she hadn’t been such a coward about facing Joel she would never have come into the café, and then she would never have bumped into Helen; never have revived all those memories she had sought so firmly to conceal. She was literally shaking with reaction as she unlocked her car and a small moan broke from her mouth. Would it never end? Would she ever be able to put the past fully behind her and enter into a normal relationship with a man? Would she ever be able to take and give physical pleasure without the ever-present crushing guilt and self-disgust she now suffered from.

Why it was Joel Hargreaves whose face she saw every time another man touched her and not her father’s she wasn’t really sure. Her father had been the one to condemn her; to insist that she was lying … but it was the memory of Joel Hargreaves that brought her out in a cold sweat and turned her sleep into horrendous nightmares. Simon had been exultant when he accidentally
hit on the fact that she was still a virgin, but he wouldn’t be exultant if he knew why. He thought she was clinging to some silly out-moded convention of purity, whereas she knew the truth … that those cataclysmic events during her fifteenth summer had frozen and destroyed some essential female part of her; the pain of her humiliation so intense that it prevented her from allowing herself to feel anything sexual for any man.

By the time she drove through the gates of Winterly, Lissa had regained control of herself. As she stepped out of her Mini and walked towards the main door with long-legged grace no one could guess at the torment of emotional agony she had just endured, least of all the man watching her.

Joel’s mouth twisted sardonically as he looked at her. She reminded him of a glossy, elegant chestnut filly he had once owned. There was pride and beauty in every movement of her graceful body, and also a wariness that warned him that she had come prepared to do battle if necessary.

Joel Hargreaves wasn’t used to women keeping him at a distance; very much the opposite. What would have intrigued him in another woman, in Lissa grated on his nerves. He had known her since she was a teenager, and throughout all the years since she had treated him as though he were some vilely contaminated life-form.

He had once tried to talk to Amanda about it, but his sister-in-law had simply shrugged and said that Lissa was an odd girl.

Odd maybe … beautiful and extremely desirable, yes. In the past she had never allowed him to get close
enough to know her, but now, dramatically the situation had changed. Telling himself that he was a fool for even thinking of resurrecting what should have been no more than a passing whim he went to let her in.

‘Lissa. You decided to come then.’

Lissa inclined her head coolly, praying that she had herself well under control. She was consumed by a wholly unfamiliar and extremely dangerous desire to give vent to the turmoil of feelings bubbling up inside her; to rave and scream at him that he and he alone was solely responsible for the destruction of her femininity … that she hated … hated and loathed him and that nothing … nothing would induce her to stay in his house.

As she followed him inside Joel caught the brilliant gleam of her eyes, and wondered if her anger was because she had had to leave her boyfriend for a weekend. Joel knew all about Simon Greaves. A very personable and persuasive young man.

‘I think we’ll talk in my study.’

Trust Joel to choose to do battle on his own home ground Lissa thought bitterly as he held the door open for her to precede him. She had visited Winterly on several occasions both when his parents lived there and since they had left, but this was the first time she had been in this particular room. The austerity of its furnishings were initially deceptive until one became aware of the intrinsic beauty of the antique desk and the silken beauty of the Aubusson rug covering the floor. A small display cabinet caught her eye and she held her breath for a moment awed by the collection of jade inside it.

‘You like jade?’

Joel was watching her, and for once she saw no reason to conceal the truth from him.

‘I love it,’ she admitted.

‘So do I. I started collecting it several years ago on a trip to Hong Kong.’ He moved towards the case and then stopped abruptly as the study door opened and a harassed looking middle-aged woman burst in.

‘Mr Hargreaves,’ she began without preamble. ‘I simply cannot have those children in my kitchen. The moment my back’s turned they’re into my cupboards, upsetting everything …’

She paused to take a break and Joel inserted smoothly, ‘Don’t worry about it, Mrs Johnson. I’ll soon have everything sorted out.’

‘Well I certainly hope so.’ Mrs Johnson seemed far from mollified and Lissa fought hard not to burst into impetuous speech and remind the older woman that if the children were being naughty it might possibly be remembered that they had only recently lost their parents and both sets of grandparents.

‘If you’ll just keep an eye on them for me while Miss Grant and I finish talking,’ Joel continued, to his housekeeper. ‘I promise you I’ll take them off your hands.’

She withdrew but with bad grace, muttering something under her breath about not being paid to look after children. When she had gone Lissa raised her eyebrows and said coolly, ‘
That
is what you consider doing the best you can for the girls is it?’

She was surprised by the faint flush of colour staining his skin. ‘In the past few days I’ve been trying to
get a nanny. I haven’t had much success.’ He drummed impatiently on his desk for several seconds and then turned to face her, admitting, ‘All the more reputable agencies are rather dubious about the fact that I’m a single man, and as for the rest.’ His grim expression startled her a little. ‘Well let’s just say I’m not too keen on the idea of adding an eighteen year old au pair to my other problems.’

Lissa knew she should have felt triumphant, but the emotion uppermost in her heart was pity and concern for the children. She had experienced too much trauma and heartache during her own childhood, to treat the miseries of any other child’s lightly.

‘When can I see the girls, Joel?’ she asked huskily.

‘Soon … When we’ve finished talking.’

‘How are they?’

How she hated having to ask him for anything, even something so mundane as information about her nieces, and she knew it showed in her voice from the twisted smile he gave her, his eyes glinting dark gold as he turned to look at her.

‘Poor Lissa,’ he mocked watching her. ‘Forced to actually ask me for something. How that must hurt. Why are you so frightened of me Lissa?’

‘I’m not.’ Her chin firmed and she stared back at him. ‘I simply don’t like you very much that’s all.’

He laughed then, the warm rich sound startling her. What could she possibly have said to make him laugh. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to tell, so she insisted coolly, ‘The girls, Joel. How are they coping?’

‘On the surface, quite well,’ he told her. ‘Louise of
course being older is finding it harder to accept that they’re gone. Emma … well I can barely understand a word she says as it is. Louise seems to be able to interpret her chatter all right though. They’ve been asking for you,’ he added abruptly. ‘I didn’t realise they knew you so well.’

‘I’ve spent quite a lot of time with them.’ It was true. She had looked after them for the odd weekend for her sister. Amanda knowing how much she loved children, and not being overly maternal herself had been delighted to leave them in her care.

‘You really care about them don’t you?’ he said curtly, further surprising her.

Instantly she was defensive, glaring at him from angry emerald eyes as she responded bitterly, ‘Why should that be so surprising? I happen to like children … I always have done.’

‘And yet you’ve never given any indication that you’d like to get married and have your own,’ Joel put in softly, ‘I wonder why?’

Lissa had to turn away from him so that he couldn’t read her expression. Her heart was thumping frantically, her pulse beat rocketing way out of control.

‘Perhaps I just haven’t met the right man yet,’ she told him flippantly, hoping he wouldn’t guess at her emotional turmoil. How could she ever have children of her own, feeling as she did about sex? It wasn’t only the ability to love as a woman he had robbed her of, she thought, hating him, it was also the ability to mother children … And now he even wanted to take her nieces away from her.

‘I’m not prepared to give up the girls, Joel,’ she told him, pivoting round to face him. ‘Amanda left them in my care … and I don’t care what you say,’ she cried out passionately, ‘I can’t really believe that any caring judge would rule that the care of strangers—because that’s what your nanny will be—will be more beneficial, even with all the material advantages you can give them, than my love. You
don’t
love them Joel … not the way I do.’ She was close to tears and had to blink them away, horrified when she opened her eyes again to find that he was looming over her, the gold speckles in his eyes igniting with fierce heat.

‘Like hell I don’t,’ he told her thickly. ‘You seem to have conveniently forgotten that their father was my brother … I only want what is best for them Lissa …’

‘No, you don’t. You just want to take them away from me.’

Her voice was high and strained, hysteria edging in under her self-control. She could see Joel looking at her, and she could feel his anger.

‘Don’t be such a bloody fool,’ he flung at her. ‘You seem to be developing a persecution complex where I’m concerned, Lissa. Oh yes,’ he gritted grimly watching her with cold eyes. ‘I’m well aware of the extraordinary lengths you go to avoid my company. I know quite well that Amanda had strict instructions never to invite you to the house when there was any chance that I might be around. Just what have I ever done to warrant such antipathy Lissa. Tell me?’

She shrugged lightly, struggling for self-control. It seemed impossible that the events that were burned so
painfully into her memory should not exist for him. But perhaps it was safer for her that he did not remember, she told herself, her nerve endings jumping tensely when the next minute, he said with silky softness, ‘Or can I guess? Does all this haughty disdain you exhibit towards me spring from the fact that I once caught you in bed with your boyfriend?’

The brilliant wave of scarlet flooding her skin gave her away, and she watched his mouth twist in wry mockery, hating him with all the intense passion of her nature when he drawled tauntingly, ‘You should be grateful that you were stopped when you were. A teenage pregnancy is no fun …’

God, how she hated him, Lissa thought feeling the nauseous loathing rise up inside her. She wanted to scream and cry … to tear that smooth smile from his face with her nails. She hated him … hated him … Her attention was deflected from her own inner turmoil when she heard Joel saying calmly, ‘No Lissa, I don’t think the best thing for the girls is for them to be constantly shuttled between us, as though we were divorced parents. Children, especially children such as Louise and Emma who had already suffered the loss of their parents, need security and stability, and in an attempt to give them both, I’ve decided that what I need is not a nanny, but a wife.’

Lissa could only stare at him, but hard on the heels of her shock came the knowledge that if he did marry, she would lose her nieces, because surely a judge was bound to favour the suit of a man who had not only wealth but
also a wife, above the claims of a girl, struggling alone on a little more than adequate salary.

‘No comment?’ she heard Joel saying, the words reaching her through a fog of thoughts. ‘You don’t want to know the identity of my wife-to-be?’

‘Why should I?’ Lissa managed to croak the denial. ‘It’s nothing to do with me?’

‘On the contrary,’ Joel assured her with smooth silkiness. ‘It has everything to do with you my dear. You see, I’ve decided that the very best solution to Louise and Emma’s problem would be for you and I to marry thus uniting both their guardians and providing them with a stable background.’

Lissa barely heard his last words. ‘You and I …?’ She stared at him, the colour leaving her face on an ebb tide of shock. ‘No, I …’

‘Lissa, neither of us are foolish teenagers any longer.’

‘We don’t love one another … we don’t even like one another,’ Lissa interrupted harshly. ‘How can you even think of a marriage between us?’

‘Oh quite easily.’ He was smiling at her in a way that told her that little though he might like her, he found the shape of her sexually desirable. Shock hit her on a tidal wave, swamping her. Joel desired
her
.