Simplicissimus (30 page)

While I stood there in amazement, watching the horse trembling with fear, I was also suddenly overcome with a feeling of dread, as if I were being pulled up by the hair and at the same time had a bucket of cold water poured over me. I still couldn’t see anything, but my horse’s strange behaviour made me imagine we must both be under a spell and that I would never get out of the cellar alive. So I tried to go back up the steps, but my horse would not follow, which made me even more terrified and so confused that I didn’t know what I was doing. Finally, taking one of my pistols, I tied my horse to the trunk of a large elderberry that was growing there, intending to go and look for some people to help me get my horse out. While I was doing this, however, it occurred to me that perhaps there was a treasure hidden in the old masonry and that was why the place was haunted. I had a closer look round, especially at the corner where my horse refused to go, and I noticed that one part of the wall there, about the size of an ordinary window-shutter, was different from the rest in both colour and workmanship. When I started to go towards it I had the same feeling as before, as if my hair were standing on end, which strengthened my suspicion that there must be a treasure hidden there.

I would ten, no, a hundred times sooner have been exchanging shots with an enemy than be seized with such dread. Something was tormenting me but I had no idea what it could be, since there was nothing to be seen or heard. I took the other pistol from the saddle holster, intending to escape myself and leave the horse there, but I could not get up the steps, it felt as if there was a strong wind pushing me back. That really made my flesh creep. Finally it occurred to me to fire my pistols to get the farmers working in the fields nearby to come and help me and, since I could think of no other way of getting out of that eerie, bewitched place, that is what I did. I was so angry or desperate (even now I don’t know exactly what I felt) that I aimed my pistols at the spot where the cause of this uncanny experience seemed to lie. The two balls hit the aforementioned piece of masonry so hard they made a hole in it big enough to put both hands through. After the shots my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which revived my spirits. I don’t know whether that was the point at which the ghost or wraith disappeared or whether the beast was simply glad to hear the shooting, but it gave me new heart. I no longer felt afraid, nor could I feel anything trying to impede me, so I went over to the hole my pistol shots had made. As I started to pull down the wall I discovered such a large treasure of silver, gold and jewels that I could still be living in comfort on it today, if only I had managed to keep it and invest it safely. There were six dozen silver cups in the old German style, a large gold chalice, several double goblets, four silver and one gold salt cellar, an old German gold chain, various diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds set in rings and other items of jewellery, a whole casket full of large pearls, though all of them were spoilt or discoloured, and then in a mouldy leather bag eighty of the oldest and finest Joachimsthalers. There were also eight hundred and ninety-three gold coins with the French coat of arms and an eagle on them which everybody refused to accept because, so they said, they could not read the inscription.

The coins, rings and jewels I stuffed into my pockets and down my boots, breeches and holsters; since I was only out riding for pleasure and had not brought my saddle-bag, I cut the blanket off my saddle (it was lined so served well as a sack), packed the rest of the silver in it, hung the gold chain round my neck, leapt back up into the saddle and set off for my quarters. As I was coming out of the courtyard I noticed two peasants who ran off the moment they saw me. Having six legs and a level field to ride over, I easily caught up with them and asked them why they were trying to get away, what was it had frightened them so much? They told me they thought I was the ghost that lived in the deserted mansion and used to give people who came too close a terrible mauling. When I asked them more about it they told me that everyone was so afraid of the spectre that for years hardly anyone had gone near the place, apart from the occasional stranger who was lost and happened to end up there. The story going round the countryside was that there was an iron chest full of money there, guarded by a black dog and a maiden with a curse on her. According to the old story, which they had heard from their grandparents, a nobleman would come, a stranger who knew neither father nor mother, release the maiden from the curse, open the chest with a fiery key and take away the hidden money. They told me lots of other silly tales like that, but they are not worth wasting ink on. Finally I asked them what they were doing there, since it was a place they avoided. They said they had heard a shot and a loud cry, so had come running to see if there was anything they could do. I told them I had fired my pistols, hoping someone would come and help me as I had been very frightened, but knew nothing about a cry. They replied, ‘You could hear shots from this castle for a long time before anyone from the neighbourhood would go in. It’s such an uncanny place that we wouldn’t believe your lordship had been there if we hadn’t seen you riding out.’

Then they bombarded me with questions: What was it like in there? Had I seen the maiden? Had I seen the black dog on the iron chest? If I had had a mind to, I could have told them all kinds of tall stories, but I said nothing, not even that I had found the treasure. I just went on my way to my quarters where I examined and gloated over my find.

It is not without good reason that some people, who know the value of money, look on it as their god. If there is anyone who has experienced its impact, its almost divine powers, then that person is me. I know how someone feels who has a considerable supply of it; I have also learnt, and that more than once, what it is like not to have a penny. I think I could go so far as to say that its powers and effects are much greater than those of all precious stones. Like diamonds, it drives away melancholy; like emeralds it makes people love and enjoy their studies (which is why in general more children of rich than of poor parents become students); like rubies it takes away fear and makes people cheerful and happy; like garnets it often disturbs their sleep; on the other hand, like jacinth it also has great power to promote rest and sleep; like sapphires and amethysts it strengthens the heart and makes people glad, well-behaved, lively and mild; like chalcedony it drives away bad dreams, makes people happy, sharpens their wits and, if they are in dispute with someone, makes them win (especially if they grease the judge’s palm with it); it gets rid of lustful and lecherous thoughts, especially since beautiful women can be had for money. All in all, money can do more than one can say (I have already said something on this subject in my book
Black and White
) if only you know how to use it and invest it properly.

The money I had amassed from plunder and finding this treasure had a strange effect. In the first place it made me even more arrogant than I had been, so that it irked me that I was only called Simplicius. It disturbed my sleep, like amethyst, because I spent many nights lying awake wondering how best to invest it and get even more. It improved my arithmetic, since I worked out how much the silver and gold objects might be worth and added the sum to the rest that I had hidden here and there or kept with me in bags. It came to a pretty penny even without the precious stones! My hoard also gave me a taste of money’s mischievous and evil nature by using me to demonstrate the saying, ‘The more you have, the more you want’. I became such a miser anyone would have hated me. It also put all sorts of foolish plans and strange notions into my head, but I didn’t follow up any of the ideas I had. Once I thought of leaving the army and settling down somewhere to spend my days filling my stomach and staring out of the window, but I very quickly changed my mind when I considered what a free life I led and what hopes I had of becoming a person of consequence. I said to myself, ‘Hey, Simplicius, why don’t you get ennobled and use your moneybags to recruit a company of dragoons for the Emperor? You’d be the perfect young gentleman and who knows how high you might rise in time.’ However, when I remembered that my greatness could be cut short by one disastrous engagement or quickly brought to an end along with the war by a peace treaty, that plan lost its appeal. Then I started wishing I had reached my majority, for if I had, I told myself, I would find a beautiful, rich, young wife, buy a noble estate somewhere and lead a quiet life. I would raise cattle, which would easily ensure me a decent income. However, I knew I was much too young and let that plan drop too.

Lots of ideas like this occurred to me, but in the end I decided to take my best things to a safe town and give them to some man of means to look after, then wait to see what fortune had in store for me. I still had my Jupiter with me, in fact I couldn’t get rid of him. Sometimes the things he said were quite sharp and he could appear to be in his right mind for weeks at a time; he was also extremely fond of me because of my kindness to him. Seeing me always deep in thought, he said, ‘Give away your accursed money, gold and silver, my son.’

‘Why should I do that, Jove?’ I said.

‘In order to make friends with it’, he answered, ‘and to get rid of these pointless worries.’

I said I would rather get more money, to which he replied, ‘Go and try to get more, then, but you’ll have no peace or friends for the rest of your life. Leave meanness to the old skinflints. A fine young lad like you should be behaving like one; you should worry more about being short of good friends than of money.’

I thought about this and saw that there was a lot of sense in what Jupiter said, but parsimony had me so tightly in its grip that I couldn’t bring myself to give anything away. However, eventually I did present the commander with two silver-gilt double goblets and my captain with a pair of silver salt cellars, but they were rare antiques and all I achieved was to whet their appetites for the rest. My faithful friend, Tearaway, I gave twelve imperial thalers. In return he advised me to get rid of my wealth or to expect trouble from it, for the officers didn’t like it when an ordinary soldier had more money than them. He had already seen one of his comrades murdered by another for money. Until now, he said, I had been able to keep the amount of booty I had picked up a secret, since everyone believed I had spent it all on clothes, horses and arms, but I couldn’t pull the wool over people’s eyes any more. Everyone made the treasure I had found larger than it actually was, he went on, and since at the same time I had given up my spendthrift habits, there was no way I could fool them into thinking I had no money to spare. He kept hearing what the men were muttering and if he were in my place, he concluded, he would let the war look after itself, settle down somewhere safe and take things as they came.

‘But’, I answered, ‘do you expect me to abandon my hope of being made ensign just like that?’

‘Don’t make me laugh’, said Tearaway. ‘You can have my guts for garters if you’re ever made ensign. All the others who are hoping for a post would see to it you broke your neck a thousand times if one were to become vacant and you were in line for it. You don’t need to tell me the difference between a sprat and a mackerel, my father was a fisherman. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve been observing the way things go on here longer than you. You haven’t watched any number of sergeants that deserved to have command of a company more than many who do grow old still wearing their stripes. They had justified hopes, too, you know. By rights they deserve promotion more than you, as I’m sure you’ll agree.’

There was nothing I could say since Tearaway, in his honest German way, was telling me the truth instead of flattering lies, yet I was secretly grinding my teeth, for I had a very high opinion of myself at that time.

But I still gave serious consideration to what Tearaway and Jupiter had said. It was true, I thought, that I had not one single friend from birth, nor a kinsman to help me if I should fall into difficulties or to avenge my death, whether I was killed secretly or openly. I could easily see for myself the way things were, but my craving for money and honour, not to mention my hope of achieving greatness, would not let me give up soldiering and live a quiet life. I stuck to my original plan, and when an opportunity to go to Cologne presented itself – to be one of an escort of a hundred dragoons for some merchants and several cart-loads of goods from Münster – I packed up the treasure I had found and took it with me. There I put it into the care of one of the leading merchants in return for a receipted inventory: finest silver to the value of seventy-four marks, fifteen marks worth of gold objects, eighty Joachimsthalers, a sealed casket containing various rings and jewels, gold and precious stones weighing eight and a half pounds in all together with eight hundred and ninety-three antique gold coins, each weighing the equivalent of one and a half gold crowns. I took Jupiter with me. He had asked to come because he had prominent relatives there. To them he praised my kindness towards him so that they made a great fuss of me. He was still advising me to use my money to buy myself some friends, who would be more use to me than chests full of gold.

On the way home I thought a lot about how I should behave in future to get everyone to like me, for what Tearaway had said was going round and round in my mind and he had persuaded me that everyone was jealous of me, which was the truth. And now I remembered what the famous fortune-teller in Soest had told me, which made me even more worried. These thoughts certainly sharpened my wits and that made me realise that a person who lives a life free of worries is little more than a brute beast. I thought over the reasons why this or that person might hate me and considered how I should act to get back in favour with them. At the same time I was amazed how two-faced they were to be so affable to my face when they didn’t like me. I came to the conclusion that I should behave like all the rest, tell people what they wanted to hear and treat everyone with respect even though I didn’t really feel it. Above all I came to see that it was my own arrogance that had made me most enemies, so I decided I must pretend to be humble, even if I wasn’t. I would go round with the ordinary soldiers again, doff my hat to my superiors and reduce the finery of my dress a little until my rank changed. I had borrowed a hundred thalers from the merchant in Cologne, to be deducted with interest when he gave me back my treasure, and I thought I would use half of this to treat the escort on the way home, having realised that parsimony brings no joy.