Silver Shadows (13 page)

With a push of the button, the screen came on, showing a typical picture of happy Moroi.

“What do you see, Sydney?”

I frowned, realizing she’d forgotten to inject me with the nausea-inducing drug. I certainly wasn’t going to call her attention to it, though. “Moroi, ma’am.”

“Wrong. You see creatures of evil.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I said nothing.

“You see creatures of evil,” she repeated.

This new turn of events left me uncertain how to proceed. “I don’t know. Maybe they are. I’d have to know more about these particular Moroi.”

“You don’t need to know anything except what I’ve told you. They are creatures of evil.”

“If you say so, ma’am,” I said cautiously.

Her face remained tranquil. “I need
you
to say so. Repeat after me: ‘I see creatures of evil.’”

I stared at the Moroi in the picture. It showed two girls, close to my age, who looked like they might be sisters. They were smiling and holding ice cream cones. Nothing about them looked evil at all, unless they were about to force that ice cream on some diabetic children. As I mulled this over, the armrest on my right suddenly clicked. The top of it slid back, revealing a hollowed out compartment below that was filled with some sort of clear liquid.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Do you see creatures of evil?” Sheridan said by way of answer.

I must have taken too long to answer, and Sheridan pushed a button on the remote control. The restraints that held my arm in place suddenly began to move, lowering my arm down. It stopped just as the bottom of my arm grazed that liquid and then began raising my arm back up.

Grazing was all that was required, however. I cried out in pain and surprise as a burning sensation spread over where my skin had touched the liquid’s surface. Whatever chemical was in it made it feel as though I’d just touched a pot of boiling water, searing my exposed flesh. Once my arm was away from the liquid, the pain began to slowly ebb away.

“Now then,” said Sheridan, far too sweetly after what she’d just done. “Say ‘I see creatures of evil.’”

She didn’t even give me a chance to respond before repeating the same procedure, letting my arm stay down a bit longer than before. Despite that, I was more prepared and managed to bite my lip to stop from crying out. The pain was there all the same, and I exhaled in relief when after a few moments, she raised my arm up and allowed me a small recovery.

It was short-lived, and she soon said, “Now say—”

I didn’t give her a chance to finish. “I see creatures of evil,” I responded quickly.

Triumph lit her features. “Excellent. Now let’s try a different one.” A new image came, this one showing a group of Moroi schoolchildren. “What do you see?”

I was a fast learner. “I see creatures of evil,” I said promptly. It was ridiculous, of course. There was nothing evil about these Moroi or the subsequent pictures she then began showing me.
I’d vowed to myself in solitary that I’d play whatever games it took to get me out of here, and if she needed me to parrot back this lie in order to make up for helping Renee, I’d gladly do it.

A Moroi couple, more children, an old man … on it went. Sheridan flipped through face after face, and I responded accordingly. “I see creatures of evil. I see creatures of evil. I see—”

My words fell short as I stared up at two more Moroi—two Moroi I knew.

Adrian and Jill.

I had no idea where she’d gotten the picture, and I didn’t care. My heart leapt as I looked into their smiling faces, faces I loved and had missed so terribly. I’d imagined their faces countless times, but there was no substituting the actual image. I took in every detail: the way the light played off Adrian’s hair, the way Jill’s lips curved in a shy smile. I had to swallow back a wave of emotion welling up within me. Maybe Sheridan had meant to punish me by showing them, but it actually came off as more of a reward—until she spoke again.

“What do you see, Sydney?”

I opened my mouth, ready to recite that inane line, but I couldn’t do it. Looking into those beloved faces, their eyes sparkling with happiness … I couldn’t do it. Even telling myself it was lie, I couldn’t bring myself to condemn Adrian and Jill.

Sheridan wasted no time in acting. The chair’s device lowered my arm into the liquid, farther than it had before, so that my arm was immersed about halfway. The shock of it caught me off guard, and it was made worse by her leaving my arm there even longer than before. Whatever acid was in that
concoction burned my skin, setting every nerve on fire. I yelped at the pain, and even after she raised my arm, I still found myself whimpering as the effects lingered.

“What do you see, Sydney?”

I blinked back tears of pain and focused on Adrian and Jill.
Just say it
, I told myself.
You need to get out of here. You need to get back to them.
At the same time, I suddenly wondered,
Is this how it starts? How I become like Keith?
Would I start off by telling myself that what I said was okay, so long as I knew it was a lie being used to avoid pain? Would that lie eventually become truth?

At my silence, Sheridan lowered my arm again, dipping it even more than before. “Say it,” she said, her voice devoid of any human emotion. “Tell me what you see.”

A low moan of pain escaped my lips, but that was it. Internally, I tried to give myself a pep talk:
I won’t say it. I won’t betray Adrian and Jill, even with empty words
. I thought if I could just withstand the pain a little longer, she’d give me a reprieve like before, but instead, she lowered my arm even farther so that it was completely immersed in the liquid. I screamed as I felt it sear my skin. Glancing down, I expected to see my flesh peeling away, but my arm and hand only looked pink. Whatever this compound was, it was designed to feel like it was causing more damage than it was.

“Tell me what you see, Sydney. Tell me what you see, and I’ll end it.”

I tried to fight against the pain, but it was impossible when I felt like I was being burned alive.

“Tell me what you see, Sydney.”

The pain built and built the longer my arm stayed submerged,
and finally, feeling like a traitor as I met the eyes of those I loved, I blurted out, “I see creatures of evil.”

“I didn’t hear that,” she replied calmly. “Say it more loudly.”

“I see creatures of evil!” I yelled.

She touched the remote, and my arm was lifted and released from its liquid torture. I started to breathe a sigh of relief, and then suddenly, without a word of warning, she dunked my arm again. I screamed at the pain, which lasted about ten more seconds until she brought my arm up again.

“What are you doing?” I exclaimed. “I thought you said—”

“That’s the problem,” she interrupted. Through some silent command, her henchmen returned and began unfastening my restraints. “You
thought
. Just like you thought it was okay to help Renee. The only thing you need to be doing is what you’re told. Do you understand?”

I glanced down at my arm, which was a dark, angry pink but in no way showed the true extent of what I’d just undergone. I then looked back up at Adrian and Jill, feeling guilty for my weakness. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Excellent,” Sheridan said, setting the remote down. “Then let’s get off to your next class, shall we?”

“A
DRIAN
?”

I opened my eyes and squinted into the face of a girl I didn’t know. She was fully dressed, and I was fully dressed, so that at least was a promising sign. Seeing the confused expression on my face, she gave me a wry smile.

“I’m Ada. You crashed here last night. But you’ve got to go now before my parents get home.”

I managed to sit up and saw I’d been lying on a hardwood floor, which explained the ache in my back and head. Glancing around, I saw a few other partygoers in similar shape, rustling themselves up and heading for the door. Satisfied I was on my way, Ada rose from her kneeling position and went to kick out the next unwelcome overnight guest.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” I called after her. “Great party.”

At least, I assumed it had been, if I’d crashed on the floor. An empty bottle of vermouth lay near where I’d slept, but I
didn’t know if it was mine or not. I hoped not. Getting drunk on vermouth was just sad. The last two weeks had been a blur of decadence and debauchery, but this was the first time I’d actually stayed over somewhere. Usually, Nina managed to see that I got back to my place. For a moment, I felt hurt that she hadn’t been here to look after me again. Then, I vaguely remembered that it was Monday now, and she hadn’t wanted to stay out late before her workweek started.

It looked to be about six in the morning when I stepped outside, and the rising sun was merciless on my hangover. Few people were out yet. On vampiric time, this was pretty late at night. People would be going to bed in the next few hours. Even the guardians had light patrols this time of the day, and I only passed a couple as I trudged back to guest housing. One did a double take when he saw me.

“Adrian?”

I thought maybe my reputation had preceded me, and then I saw it was Dimitri. “Oh, hey,” I said. “Good morning. Or something.”

“Looks like you’ve had better,” he observed. “I’m just finishing my shift. You want to go get some breakfast?”

I considered, unsure of my last solid meal. “My stomach’s pretty empty. I don’t know how it’ll react to that.”

“The fact that you’re unsure probably means you need food that much more,” he said, which sounded like the weirdest logic I’d ever heard. “At least in my experience.”

I wondered how much “experience” he had in these matters. I really didn’t know what he did in his free time. Maybe there was more Russian vodka being consumed than I knew about. I always just figured when he wasn’t working, he and Rose were
off grappling on training mats, or whatever passed between those two as foreplay.

“You sure you don’t want to go home and cuddle up with Rose?” I asked. “Wait … is she even back? Weren’t they at Lehigh?”

“They’ve been back for a week,” said Dimitri patiently. “Come on, my treat.”

I followed along because really, it was hard to say no to Dimitri Belikov about anything. Plus, I was still processing the news that I’d lost enough time for Rose and Lissa to be back that long. “I can pay. Or, well,” I added bitterly, “my dad can, since that’s the only way my mother and I can apparently survive.”

Dimitri’s expression stayed neutral as we walked into a building that held a number of restaurants, most of which weren’t open yet. “Is that why you’ve been living in such a pit of despair since you got back here?”

“I like to think of it as a lifestyle choice,” I told him. “And how do you know what I’ve been doing?”

“Word gets around,” he said mysteriously.

The restaurant he took us to was chock-full of guardians who must’ve just gotten off their shifts. It was also probably the safest place at Court, judging from their numbers.

“What I do is my own business,” I said hotly.

“Of course it is,” he agreed. “This just hasn’t been your kind of business for a while. I’m surprised to see it come back.”

The restaurant served buffet breakfast, and though my mother would’ve fainted at the thought of serving herself, I obligingly took a plate and followed Dimitri into the line. Once we had our trays, we settled into a small table in the corner. He
didn’t touch his food and instead leaned toward me with a look that meant all business.

“You’re better than this, Adrian,” he said. “Whatever the reason, you’re better than it. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you’re weaker than you are.”

It was so like what Sydney had told me in the past that it momentarily took me aback. Then, my anger returned. “Is that why you invited me here? To lecture? Don’t even act like you know anything about me! We aren’t that good of friends.”

That comment seemed to surprise him. “That’s too bad. I’d hoped we were. I’d hoped I knew the real you.”

“You don’t,” I said, shoving my tray aside. “No one does.”
Only Sydney
, I thought.
And she’d be ashamed of me.

“There are a lot of people who care about you.” Dimitri was still the picture of calm. “Don’t turn away from them.”

“Like they’ve turned away from me?” I demanded, thinking of Lissa’s refusal to help. “I tried asking for help, and I was refused! No one can help me.” I stood up abruptly. “I’m not hungry anymore. Thanks for the ‘pep talk.’”

I left my untouched tray and stormed out on him. He didn’t follow, for which I was glad, since he probably could have literally dragged me back with no effort. I left from anger—and also from humiliation. His words hurt, not just because they leveled judgment at me—judgment I’d already been giving myself—but because they again reminded me of Sydney. Sydney, who’d always said I was so much more. Well, I’d done a damned good job of proving her wrong. I’d failed her. Dimitri’s words had driven that home, even if he didn’t realize it.

I went back to my room and downed a couple shots of vodka before crashing into my bed and falling almost instantly asleep. I
dreamed of Sydney, not in the spirit magic way I’d hoped, but in the normal way. I dreamed of her laughter and the exasperated—yet amused—way she’d say, “Oh, Adrian,” when I did something ridiculous. I dreamed of sunlight turning her hair to molten gold and bringing out the glints of amber in her eyes. Sweetest of all, I dreamed of her arms around me, her lips pressed to mine and the way they could fill my body with desire and my heart with more love than I’d ever thought it capable of holding.

My dreaming and waking worlds shifted, and suddenly, there
were
arms wrapped tenderly around my waist and soft lips kissing me. I responded in kind, increasing the fervor in that kiss. I’d been so lonely for so long, so lost and adrift not just in the world but in my own head. Having Sydney here in bed grounded me and brought me back to myself in a way I hadn’t known was possible. I could weather the storms in my world, the craziness in my family … all of it could be endured now that Sydney was here.

Except she wasn’t here.

Sydney was gone, being kept far, far away from me … which meant it wasn’t her arms around me or her lips I tasted. Struggling out of my sleepy haze, I opened my eyes and tried to make sense of my surroundings. The blinds filtered out most of the morning sun, but I could still see enough to realize the girl in bed with me had black hair, not gold. Her eyes were gray, not brown.

“Nina?”

I pushed her gently away and scooted as far from her as I could while still managing to stay in the bed. Amusement sparkled in her eyes, and she laughed at my surprise. “You were expecting someone else? Wait, don’t answer that.”

“No … but what are you doing here?” I blinked around the dim room. “How did you even get in here?”

“You gave me a key for emergencies, don’t you remember?” I didn’t, but it also didn’t surprise me. She looked mildly disappointed that it had just been something I’d done on drunken impulse. “I got worried when I didn’t hear from you this morning, so I headed over here to check on you when I went on my lunch break. I’ve got a weird late shift.”

“Assaulting isn’t really the same as checking on me,” I said.

“‘Assaulting’ is kind of an exaggeration,” she chastised. “Especially since
you
were the one who reached for me when I sat next you on the bed.”

“I did?” Again, I couldn’t say I was entirely surprised. “Well … I’m sorry. I was half-asleep and didn’t know what I was doing. I was … dreaming.”

“You seemed to know what you were doing to me,” said Nina huskily. She reached toward me. “Were you dreaming of her?”

“Who?”

“You know who. Her. The girl who torments you. Don’t deny it,” she ordered, seeing me about to protest. “Don’t you think I can tell? Oh, Adrian.” It was jarring hearing her say it, after I’d just dreamed about Sydney uttering those very words. Nina lightly stroked my cheek. “I could tell as soon as you came back to Court someone had broken your heart. I’ve hated seeing you on the path you’re on. It eats me up.”

I shook my head but didn’t remove her hand. “You don’t understand. There’s more to it than you know.”

“I know that she’s not here. And that you’re miserable. Please …” She scooted back across the bed and leaned over me, her hair forming a curtain of dark curls around us. “I’ve
been drawn to you since the moment we met. Let me make you feel better. …”

She leaned down to kiss me, and I held up a hand to stop her. “No … I can’t.”

“Why? Is she coming back?”

Nina’s voice wasn’t cruel, but there was certainly a challenge in it, and I found myself looking away. “I … I don’t know. …”

“Then why fight this?” she asked beseechingly. “I know you like me. More importantly, I know you understand me. No one else gets what it’s like, to be tossed around on the waves of spirit and endure what we do. Isn’t that worth something? To just have someone around so you aren’t alone?”

She tried to kiss me again, and I didn’t stop her, largely because it was hard to argue against her point. I certainly didn’t love her like I did Sydney, but we did get what the other was going through. She didn’t judge me for what I did or try to get me to find better ways to handle my despair. And yes, she was right: It was nice not being alone.

Like that, my mother’s words suddenly hit me like a slap in the face:
Stop chasing a dream and focus on someone you can build a stable life with. That’s what your father and I have done.

Was that what I was doing with Nina? Building a stable relationship with someone who shared my vices and need for escape—but whom I ultimately didn’t love? It would certainly be easy. Nina made sure of that. We could spend a lifetime together, commiserating about how hard it was to be a spirit user, going to one party after another in the hopes of putting off the darkness a little longer. It would be a pleasant life. Stable, as my mother had said. But I would never try to better myself. I would never achieve greatness, the way Sydney had always made
me feel I could. And I would never, ever have that euphoric, all-consuming love that had wrapped around me every moment I was with Sydney, that feeling of love that constantly made me think,
Yes,
this
is what it means to be alive.

It would be easy
, whispered Aunt Tatiana, fickle as usual.
She’s here. Use her. Make the pain disappear. Your other girl is far away, but this one’s right in front of you. Give in. Just say yes. Yes, yes, yes …

“No,” I said.

I broke the kiss with Nina and actually stood up this time, making sure she was out of reach. I’d been a fool. A weak, lazy fool. I’d let my depression over my parents and not having any leads on Sydney get the best of me. I hadn’t just given up on Sydney. I’d given up on myself, getting lost in this decadent life of Court parties and pleasure because it was easy—much easier than both trying to find Sydney
and
staying strong when the options seemed hopeless.

“Nina, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” I said, putting as much strength into my words as I could. “I’m sorry if I led you on, but this isn’t going to happen. I like hanging out with you, but I’m never going to feel any more for you than I do right now. And if I don’t, then that’s not acceptable for either of us. I’m sorry. We’ll never, ever have a future together.”

It was a bit excessive, largely because I was lecturing myself as well as her. She flinched, and I realized too late that maybe I should’ve found a gentler way to express my feelings—especially, knowing as I did, how sensitive spirit users were. Her earlier smile disappeared, and she actually recoiled as though I’d struck her. Blinking back tears, she stood up from the bed with as much dignity as she could muster.

“I see,” she said. There was a tremor in her voice, and she was doing that hand-wringing thing, to the extent that her own nails were digging into her flesh. “Well, I’m sorry for wasting your time these last couple of weeks. I should’ve known clerical help wasn’t good enough for Lord Adrian Ivashkov.”

Now I winced. “Nina, it’s not like that at all. And I really like having you as a friend. If you’d just let me explain—”

“Don’t bother.” She turned her back on me and headed for the bedroom door. “I don’t want to waste any more of your time, and besides, I need to find something to eat before my lunch break’s over. Sorry I woke you. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Nina—” I tried. But she was gone before I could say anything more, her exit punctuated with a loud slamming of the front door.

I sank down on my bed, feeling like crap both physically and mentally. I hadn’t meant to end things like that with her. I hadn’t meant for a lot of things to happen. And as the overwhelming state of my life threatened to swallow me, I had to fight the urge to go make a drink.

“No,” I said aloud. “I’m done with that.”

Then and there, I was stopping cold turkey. I’d been deluding myself (even more than usual) thinking that I could drink sporadically throughout the day if I checked for Sydney every once in a while. Speaking of which … when was the last time I’d actually checked for her at night—the human night? When she’d first been taken, I’d searched for her nonstop. But recently … well, it was usually some half-hearted attempt after I woke up hungover. By the time darkness rolled around—the most likely time she’d be asleep, if she truly was still in the United States—I was usually a few drinks into my first party.
I’d let myself get sloppy, disheartened by my earlier failure and real-life distractions. I wouldn’t make that mistake again, though. I needed to keep myself sober and full of spirit, so that I could regularly check throughout the day. It didn’t matter how many times I’d failed. One day, one time, I’d catch her.