Silver Linings (17 page)

As soon as she'd finished getting rid of the stain on her dress and drying it under the hand air blower, Coco returned to the party. The first thing she did was look for her mystery man, but when she didn't see him she sought out Katie.

Katie took one look at her. “You okay?” she asked.

“Better than okay. I feel great.” It was in large part due to her short conversation with Ryan, but also because of the chat with her mystery man. A light feeling came over her, a sense of release and even joy. It nearly overwhelmed her.

“I saw you talking to Ryan and the model.”

“They're married, and she seems really nice. I can tell she's someone I would feel good about calling a friend.” Coco smiled at the stunned expression that came over Katie.

“And Ryan?”

“He shocked me. He said he specifically came to the reunion to apologize to me.”

“No kidding? Wow, that's great.”

“It certainly wasn't what I expected.” As she spoke she scanned the room, looking for the guy she'd run into…literally. “I know it's all sort of crazy, but I've forgiven him. Ryan and I are fine. What's weird is I'm the one who feels set free. I've been carrying a load of hate all these years and I think that after tonight, I might actually be ready to let it go.”

What shocked Coco was the fact that she'd assumed venting her hatred, retaliating, was the only way she would ever be free of Ryan. She understood now that spewing her anger would have only tightened the ropes tying her down. By attending this reunion she hoped she'd feel this sense of release through insulting and ridiculing Ryan in front of their peers. Perhaps she'd have been relieved for a time, but it wouldn't have dissolved the pain, wouldn't have purged it from her mind.

It didn't escape her notice that as soon as she agreed to make an effort to forgive him, she'd run into someone who had clearly adored her at one time. If the admiration in his eyes was any indication, he still did.

“How about you?” she asked Katie. “James show yet?”

Katie shook her head. “No…I've about given up hope. Angie assured me he paid for the event, but he isn't here.”

“He'll come.”

“I love your confidence, but the night's half over and there's no sign of him yet. I'm afraid…I think once he learned I planned to come he changed his mind.”

“You'll get your chance, Katie. You have to believe and trust that the two of you will get all this settled once and for all.”

“I'm trying.”

Whatever this sense of lightness and tranquility was that surrounded her, Coco wished she could share it with Katie. If possible, she would have liked to bottle it.

“Hang in there, okay? I need to check out a guy,” she told Katie.

“What guy?” Katie glanced in the same direction she was looking.

“Someone I talked to earlier.” Coco scanned the room and was disappointed when she didn't see him. However, now that they'd spoken, she was on a mission to find out who he was.

Katie didn't actually see James arrive, but she was aware of him the minute he entered the room. Her whole body felt it.

For probably the first time that evening her back had been to the door as she chatted with another girl, Jules Benedict, whom Katie knew through swim team. Then a tingling sensation came over her. Perhaps she'd heard his voice over the clatter in the room, although that was unlikely. In retrospect, it might have been the anticipation she'd felt all evening, waiting to see him, talk to him. Whatever the reason—she knew James had arrived at last.

“John and I have considered becoming foster parents,” Jules was saying. “I think it's just great that you went into social work and find adoptive homes for children. A good home—”

A shiver went down Katie's spine and her heart started hammering like one of those giant Chinese gongs. Right away her throat went dry. “Will you excuse me?” Katie said, cutting off the other woman.

“Oh sure,” Jules said, looking surprised.

Katie reached for her drink and took a deep swallow. She spotted him at the table collecting his name tag. Thankfully he'd come without a date. After signing in, he walked into the room.

It didn't take him long to zero in on Katie, she noticed. Their eyes locked for just an instant before he forcefully looked away. He peeled the back off his name tag and stuck it to his shirt. Then he veered deliberately in the opposite direction from where she was standing.

He'd changed from the teenage boy she remembered—he was slightly taller and his shoulders looked broader—and he'd filled out in other areas as well. His hair was shorter now, too. He was good-looking, but not strikingly so. No one was likely to ask him to pose for a calendar. In Katie's eyes, however, he was everything she remembered and more.

Ten years and she felt this pull toward him as strong as it had ever been. She'd never loved anyone more than she loved James.

It went without saying that he wasn't going to voluntarily seek her out. Any chance she had of talking to him would need to be initiated by her. Katie's nerves were already on edge when she approached him. James was chatting with Bill Watson, one of his friends, and when she came to stand beside him, James ignored her.

Bill glanced her way and smiled. “Katie, good to see you.”

“You, too.” She kept her focus on James, who continued to pretend she was invisible.

Thankfully, Bill was quick to pick up on the undercurrents flowing between her and James.

“Good to chat with you, James,” Bill said. “I'll catch up with you later.” He briefly made eye contact with Katie. She read the silent message he sent her, which seemed to more or less wish her good luck.

Bill left, but it took James a couple uncomfortable seconds to acknowledge Katie.

“Hello, James,” she said softly.

Then and only then did he turn his attention to her. “Katie.” His greeting was as stiff as his spine. He stood straight as a two-by-four, holding on to a bottle of beer.

“I'm glad to see you.”

He focused his attention on the other side of the room and didn't respond.

“You've changed,” she said. She found it incredibly painful to see and feel his coldness. She wanted to believe it was an act.

“We've all changed, Katie. It's been ten years. That's the way of life.”

He was right, of course.

“I wanted to talk to you, to explain things.”

“Whatever you have to say isn't important.”

“It is to me. I've tried to connect with you before and you've blocked all my attempts.”

“I'd hoped you would have gotten the message, then. I'm not interested in reconnecting.”

“Whether you want to hear it or not, I need to say it.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I know I hurt you, and I'm so very sorry. I wanted to explain.”

He arched his brows.

“It nearly killed me to leave you the way I did, but it was the only viable option at the time. I—”

James looked decidedly bored. “Listen, Katie, if you want my forgiveness, fine. It's yours. I got over you a long time ago, so there's no need to worry. What's done is done, so let's leave it at that, shall we?”

“I don't know that I can,” Katie said, and resisted the urge to wrap her arms protectively around herself. “I need you to hear me out.”

“I deserved an explanation ten years ago. Whatever you have to say to me now is pointless.”

“You need to understand that I couldn't tell you then,” she rushed to say.

“You're not hearing me, Katie. None of it matters any longer.” He stared into the distance and seemed decidedly bored.

“Your mother—”

“Katie, stop,” he said, turning to her, his eyes hostile. “I don't want to hear it. All I know is that you decided to dump me when I would have sacrificed my entire future for you.”

“That's just the point. I couldn't let you.”

“The decision was mine. Not yours. You took that away from me. But that said, it all happened a long time ago. Let's just leave it in the past where it belongs.”

Not knowing what more to say, Katie hung her head and placed her hand over her chest. “Then tell me, why does my heart hurt like this? Why can't I let go and move on as easily as you?” she asked in a whisper.

He looked beyond her then, as if eager to leave, as if all he wanted now was to escape. “I imagine it's guilt, but really, you have nothing to feel guilty about—like I said, I got over you a long time ago. I'm sincere when I say this, Katie. I wish you well.”

“That's it?” Katie couldn't hide her dismay. This had been her greatest fear. She had accepted that James might never love her as much as he did ten years ago, but she'd expected him to at least let her tell him what had happened. “That's all you have to say to me?” she asked, struggling to hold on to him for a few minutes longer.

“Should there be more?”

“I'd hoped…I'd wanted…”

“This is it as far as I'm concerned.” Then, for some reason, for just a moment, his look gentled. “You look good, Katie.”

“Thank you…you do, too.”

“All that's important is knowing that I got on with my life and you did the same. Like I said, if you're looking for absolution, you have it. Hashing everything out isn't going to change anything. Now, if you'll excuse me.”

Seeing that nothing she said would make a difference, Katie stepped aside and James walked away.

She felt numb. For months she'd built up their meeting in her mind, hoping, dreaming, wishing to set matters straight with him. There remained so much more she wanted to tell him, so much more that was in her heart. But James had no desire to hear it. No desire to have anything more to do with her.

She remained frozen, unable to move. It was difficult to breathe as the regret and discouragement washed over her.

“Katie?” Coco was at her side and gently wrapped her hand around Katie's elbow. “Come on, let's find a quiet corner.”

Katie managed to answer with a nod.

Coco led her away to an open table, pulled out a chair for Katie, and then scooted one out for herself. “I saw you talking with James.”

Again Katie nodded.

“I told you he'd show.”

Katie forced a smile.

“Were you able to explain what happened?”

“A little. He wasn't interested in listening.”

Coco patted Katie's hand. “What did you expect?”

“I…I don't know. Not a…such a cold shoulder…total indifference.”

“Did he know you were signed up for the reunion? I mean, was seeing you a shock? Because that might explain his reaction.”

“I…don't know if he did or not. He didn't say.”

“Give him a chance,” Coco urged. “Even if he knew you planned to attend, I'm sure it was pretty intense seeing you again.”

“I couldn't reach him. I don't think he even listened. He said he got over me a long time ago.”

“It's been ten years,” Coco reminded her gently.

“I'm not over him.”

“You will be, Katie.”

“I can't believe how cold he was…” James was right, they'd both changed. He wasn't anything like what she remembered.

“Katie—”

“I want to go,” she said, cutting off Coco.

“Go? Go where?”

“Out of here…back to the inn.”

“Okay, but I want to say good-bye to a few people first.”

Apparently, Coco didn't understand. “I don't want you to leave…you should stay. I'll walk back to the inn. It isn't far and I could use the fresh air. I need to think.”

Coco frowned. “You're sure?”

Katie stood and gave her friend's hand a squeeze. “I'll be fine,” she lied, and forced a smile. “I'll see you back at the inn.”

Coco's frown deepened. “I don't know about this.”

“Stop worrying. You're right. I'm being unfair to James. We both need time to absorb seeing each other again.”

Without giving Coco a chance to argue, Katie left the room. Once downstairs, she saw that the restaurant and bar area were busy. Every table was taken now and the room was filled with the sound of chatter and music coming from the jukebox in the back by the pool table.

The evening was cool and Katie was grateful for her light sweater. Dusk was settling over the waterfront and drew her in that direction. She crossed Harbor Street and walked the short block to the marina, past the library to the totem pole.

Katie lost count of all the times she and James had walked along this very sidewalk, holding hands, lost in each other. The setting sun sent pink shadows shimmering over the water's smooth surface. Not a ripple in sight. It astonished her that the cove could remain calm while her heart was in turmoil.

Coco was right, of course. Her expectations had been unrealistic. In her mind, Katie had envisioned James eagerly listening to her explanation or at least being open to hearing it. It was important that he understand that she'd broken off their relationship because she loved him and wanted the best for his future, at no small cost to her own.

Back then he hadn't believed her, hadn't taken her at her word when she said she didn't want to be tied down to one boy. That was why he'd written her those letters. What he didn't know was that it had nearly killed her to get those letters. There'd been emails too, plenty of those, but the letters had been the one constant for months on end, until she'd finally asked him not to write her any longer.

In the face of so much evidence to the contrary, she couldn't let go of the belief that his feelings for her hadn't changed. What they shared was too deep, too real, too profound to fade no matter how many years had gone by.

But apparently she was wrong. Apparently it was too late.