Silent Warrior: A Loveswept Classic Romance (19 page)

Cali understood that pain. As he slid his tongue across her throat and back down to her nipples, she slid her hand between them, grappling for the button at the waistband of her jeans. She encountered John’s hand fumbling for his. Between them they managed to get zippers down and jeans pushed over hips.

The friction of his skin against hers, heightened by their joint struggles, only pushed her desire higher. The heat threatened to consume her and she thought she’d explode if she didn’t do something to assuage the pain from the tight clenching of the muscles between her legs. She smoothed her palm over his hips and cupped him, then wrapped her hand around him. He arched. She groaned.

“I need you, John. Now.”

Through clenched teeth he said, “Another second
of your hand wrapped around me, and now will be then real quick.”

“Then let’s make it now, right now.” She released him and moved her body over his, straddling the hard length she’d caressed moments ago.

With a large palm on the back of her neck, he pulled her mouth down to his and took her with his tongue in the same driving rhythm she was using as she slid her wet heat back and forth over him. The ache wound tighter until it became hot, physical pain. She was panting now, then gasping as he shifted her up so he could lever his mouth over her nipple once again.

“I’m gonna die.”

“Yeah,” he growled against the moist skin between her breasts.

What remaining breath she had evaporated. “That’ll teach me to make love with a man who’s not afraid of dying,” she said on a rapidly whispered exhale.

“I am now,” he said. His unexpected gentle kiss melted what was left of her heart. “Guess that’s what happens when you have something to live for.”

“Oh, John.”

“Take me, Cali.”

And she did. He moved inside her, full and hot and hard, filling her excruciatingly and wonderfully slowly, allowing her to savor and shudder through each second of deliciously wicked sensation. He built it up from there.

She moved against him, their increasing rhythm as
natural as if they’d bonded the same way a thousand times before. Her hands gripped his shoulders, then slid to cup his face as she lowered her face to just above his. His eyes were fierce and burning with some inner light, a depth of emotion she’d never thought to witness in him. She suspected if she’d had a mirror at that moment, she’d find the same emotions in hers. Never before, not even with Nathan, had she felt so strong a bond. Not once did they need to speak, not once did they break eye contact.

And it was there that she found a connection more powerful than the physical joining of their bodies. other. It was there she found the other half of herself. It was there, in those smoky gray depths, that she found her soul.

As if to prove the truth of that power, the instant that realization hit her, he surged more deeply inside her. She tilted her head back only to feel his hands on her face, pulling her back to him. “You have my heart, Cali. Only you. Always you.” His growl started low inside him and built as he pushed harder, deeper. With a groan he came inside her.

Dazed as much by his words as by the pleasure still assaulting her body, she needed a moment to realize he hadn’t stopped moving. “John?”

His mouth curved ever so slightly, but this time the teasing half smile reached his eyes. Oh, she could love this man. She wanted his heart. Always.

It scared her to death.

He kept moving. So did she.

“Your turn,” he murmured.

“It’s—”

“Shhh.” He loosened his hold enough to roll her gently to her back, pull her underneath him, and move deeply into her.

“Open your eyes.”

She did. The rush she got from seeing the naked emotion on his face, the raw honesty, almost sent her over the edge.

“Come to me, Cali.”

He pulled her thighs up, shifted her hips, drove into her one more time. And she did as he asked.

ELEVEN

John rolled to his side, pulled Cali’s thigh up over his, and cradled her in his arms. The urge to protect her was as fierce as the urge to take her, claim her, had been. He knew she had been moved as deeply as he had been, but that didn’t help to bank the panic slowly building inside him.

He held on tighter.

Instead of squirming, she snuggled closer.

Despite their position, he realized he felt protected too. His throat closed over. She’d claimed him just as surely as he had her. Instead of being reassured, he was terrified.

“There
is
magic here.” Her words were a warm breath against his chest.

“Hmm?” was as coherent a sound as he could make.

She looked up at him, smiling, eyes shining. Oh, how he loved this woman. How he’d always loved her.
And now that he’d given in to it, taken her with him … how in the hell would he ever walk away?

Worse, how in the hell could he stay?

“Magic circles,” she explained.

He mentally grabbed onto her words, focused with everything he had, hoping to keep the desperation crawling inside him at bay.

“It’s the way I felt as a child when I was with my dad. Like as long as he was nearby, nothing bad would happen to me.” She traced lazy patterns on his skin as she talked. “Then later, with Nathan, I felt as if nothing could intrude or spoil what we had. The baby only solidified that feeling.” Her fingers stilled, but her gaze didn’t waver. “After they died, I stopped believing in magic circles.”

Hopelessness and panic clawed at this throat, at his heart. Not because he was afraid to step into her magic circle, but because he wanted it as he’d never allowed himself to want anything in his life. And he didn’t see how he could take it.

“That’s not such a bad way to think,” he said. “You’re just being wise.”

She levered up on one elbow. “That’s what I thought. I thought I’d finally grown up, finally understood life from a mature, adult perspective instead of with childish innocence.”

“Understandably so. What happened to you would make an adult out of just about anyone.”

“That’s just it. It wasn’t about being adult. It was about being cynical. You know what I realized? Most people believe that life is one long endless road littered
with potholes, some small, some huge enough to swallow you whole. These same people feel lucky if they happen to avoid one now and then, but they are certain they’re going to fall into a good number of them. Such a pessimistic view of the world, don’t you think? And I was one of those people.

“The weird thing is, I realize there is some safety in believing the ‘life usually sucks’ theory. Then you don’t have to be responsible for your own happiness. If things go wrong, well, ‘that’s life.’ ”

“But there is truth to that, Cali. You don’t have control over most things.”

She leaned over his chest, her green eyes almost electric with emotion. “That doesn’t mean you give up on everything else.”

She sat up. His gaze ran over her naked torso, covered only in the bright sunlight.

“What we’re feeling right now has nothing to do with playing it safe. You know what this feeling is?”

“Abject terror?”

She smiled, then laughed. “Yes, it is. And wild and exhilarating and anything but safe. What we’re feeling is alive, John McShane.” She pushed him on his back and gently straddled his waist, taking his hands and pinning them over his head. He let her. Hell, right then he’d have let her do anything she wanted. Because she was right, he did feel alive, in a way he’d never known he could.

It scared the daylights out of him.

For the first time he realized that it may not be such a bad thing.

“I thought I was being smart. In the last ten years I’ve been physically healthy. I’ve been financially successful. But emotionally? I’ve had nothing. I don’t want to go back into my pessimistic cocoon. I want to believe in magic circles again, John. I want to risk hitting a pothole. Because then I’ll know I’m going down the road instead of being forever stalled at some safe little rest stop along the way.”

John smiled up at her. It was impossible not to. “How did we get into this road stuff anyway?”

She grinned. “Considering where we are literally, it seemed a good analogy.”

He pushed at her hands, broke free, and pulled her down on top of him, nestling her face against his neck.

Alive. “I do feel it, Cali.”

“Mmmm.” She kissed his neck and snuggled closer. “Wrap your arms around me.”

He did, even as he said, “I’m just not sure if I can be your magic circle.” She immediately tried to sit up, but he wouldn’t let her. He held her close, burying his nose in her hair, closing his eyes and inhaling her scent, hoping to find some way to express himself so she’d understand. “I want to be. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever wanted or needed to be anything for anyone as badly as I want to be everything for you. Everything you need me to be.”

She pulled in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “But?” she said against the crook of his neck.

“How can I? Our past …” He blew out a frustrated sigh. “I wanted you when you belonged to my
best friend, my partner. Hell, I wanted you when you had just lost his child.”

She snaked her arms around him and held him tightly. “Nathan’s gone, John.”

“Lord, Cali, don’t you get it? It’s not that simple. I’m not your magic circle. I’m everything that you are fighting against. I’m cynical, I’m pessimistic. I’ve seen too much of the bad side of life. I’ve been the bad side of yours. I’m one of those people who believes in potholes.”

She pulled her head free of his grasp and looked at him, her eyes were glassy. “But that’s just it, John. This isn’t about the past. If it was, then I could never get out of the hole I buried myself in after Nathan and the baby died. You weren’t the cause of that. In fact, you were the one who helped me. If I didn’t still feel that way, I wouldn’t have come to you for help this time.” She braced her palms on either side of his head. “You get to choose. You can let life happen to you, or you can take the risk.” She locked her gaze to his. “I think you’re worth it. I want you in my life, John McShane.”

“I don’t have a life to give you, Cali.” He shook his head when she started to argue. “No. I don’t. I left the only life I’ve ever known. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m physically worn down. I’m fiscally unsure. And emotionally … Hell, I’m in such new territory there, I need a map to find my way out.”

“Would finding your way out with me make you happy?”

He blew out a frustrated breath and rolled her off
of him. He sat up and braced his elbows on his bent knees. “Dammit, Cali, don’t you understand? You need someone who can grab onto this new life you want and run with it. How can I do that when I don’t know where I’m going? It’s not about what will make me happy.”

“It’s a good place to start.”

He swore under his breath and grabbed for his jeans. Without saying anything, Cali dressed. When she rolled to a stand, he reached for her before she could walk away.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked up into his eyes. He thought he might see pity. What he saw was sorrow and pain. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”

Her eyes flared. “Well, I think you’re doing a damn fine job of hurting both of us.”

“I’m sorry for that too. I’m trying to be honest. It’s the only thing I have to hang on to right now.”

She reached up and stroked his face. “Then I do feel sorry for you, John. You still don’t see what is right in front of your face. You say you’ve wanted me for ten years. You have a hell of a funny way of showing it.”

She turned and walked away from him.

“Maybe it’s because I love you so much that I can’t risk disappointing you.”

She stopped dead, then slowly turned around. “If you love me, then how can you not try? What exactly are you afraid of, McShane?”

Because he had no answer, he was forced to watch her turn and walk away.

Cali slumped down in the car seat and waited for John to return. When several minutes passed and there was still no sign of him, she gave serious consideration to leaving him behind. But a quick glance showed he’d taken the car keys. She did not want to think about what had happened between them. Nor did she want to think about the rest of what was going on in her life at the moment. Which left her future. She’d purposely shoved that to the side since she’d left for Martinique. She had nothing to return to except an empty apartment. Granted, she had insurance money, both her own to cover the theft and what was left of Nathan’s after all her travel expenses.

But she couldn’t seem to drum up any enthusiasm for shopping or rebuilding the rest of her life. She’d left clients in the lurch when she’d gone on the run. She’d been afraid to contact anyone for fear of leaving any trail, or worse, putting innocent people in the path of the men who were after her.

So not only was her personal life a complete shambles, her professional life didn’t look too promising either.

Sighing, she reached for her backpack, intent on finding the packet of mints she’d tucked in the side. What she found instead was a somewhat worse-for-wear photograph. She hadn’t put it in there. But she
knew as she turned it over to look at the front who had.

It was the snapshot she’d sent to John. The one taken of her and Nathan in front of the bungalow. She stared at the photo, smiled sadly as she remembered that day. She had been happy, had felt as if her whole life was in front of her. She’d felt … free.