Silent (40 page)

I kept scowling. “Fine. Whatever. But Seb and I
are
together, and no one’s gonna make us slow down if we don’t want to.” I turned back to make sure Seb was on board with my declaration and found him admiring me with a smirk.

That was a yes, right?

“Just give me a moment to change,” Suzie said, heading down the hallway. “I can trust you to wait right there?”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t have the energy to get off the couch, let alone make a run for it.

She vanished into her room, and a split second later, Seb closed in for a surprise kiss. Open-mouthed, and a little sloppy, but that might’ve been on purpose. At first his lips were cold from the ice but it wasn’t long before they burned, pulling me deeper and deeper into a nothing-exists-outside-of-this kind of kiss. I snaked my arms up and down his back, a soft moan escaping my throat. We gasped for breath and dove back in again. Some blood mixed with our saliva—his blood—but the bitter taste of guilt washed away as we continued to plunge into each other, dissolving it into something warm and salty and
right
.

When my mouth felt bruised and raw from the friction, Seb finally pulled back, drawing out my bottom lip with one final suck. Then I turned and caught Suzie in a pantsuit out of the corner of my eye.

Her cheeks were as pink as her previous outfit. Mine probably turned a similar shade.

Well, at least she knew I meant what I’d said. No one was going to come between us, if I could help it.

Her phone rang. It had to be the cops, and whoever else she’d called, asking to be buzzed in.

I gripped Seb’s hand.

Please, God. Let me be able to help it
.

Chapter 27: Outgrown

“We’re really happy to have a space for you,” counselor Jessica said. She looked like a younger version of Suzie—Suzie in the sweats, because she was in a lavender tracksuit. Same mousy brown hair and rounder body, too, though Jessica was a lot peppier.

A couple of bedroom doors opened as she led me through the sprawling house. Floorboards creaked under my leaden feet and curious eyes peeked out to find the source of the noise, but I was too exhausted to pay much attention. This new place seemed a lot like Ms. Loretta’s, except with cheerful camp-counselor style staff to keep me in line instead of those big old ladies.

I sort of missed them.

“Your room will be right down here,” Jessica went on, gesturing to a small space with two desks, bunk beds and mirrored closet doors. “You’ll be sharing with Carlos. He’s a character, but very friendly, I promise.”

The very friendly Carlos barely looked over from his top bunk, where he was busy typing away on a laptop. I couldn’t have cared less. The roommate didn’t matter. Neither did the room itself, or the house, or Jessica the peppy resident counselor. All that mattered was that I was only a mile away from Seb, at his facility’s off-campus housing for “highly functioning youth.”

I was surprised to hear that Suzie found me
highly functioning
, all things considered, but I wasn’t going to argue.

“Maybe you two would like a moment to get acquainted?” Jessica suggested. “I’ll be back in a few to check up on you before bed.”

As soon as she and her cheerful smile headed off, I zeroed in on the bottom bunk. Leaving my new bag of clothing and the trusty backpack by the door, I crawled into the temporary haven.

I wrapped myself up in the blankets and ran my hand over the empty space beside me. That space was meant for Seb. I could still imagine the feel of his hair passing through my fingers, nearly two whole days since I’d last touched a shimmering strand. Two days since I’d last seen his face, troubled but trusting, as he’d been taken away.

And now another long night with that image seared on my brain stretched out before me.

I scrunched my eyes shut and gathered an armful of pillow, trying to ease the loneliness.
It has to be like this. He’s just a mile away. The faster you go to sleep, the sooner you’ll see him again.

This arrangement Suzie had worked out was probably the best I could have hoped for, and yet my heart still ached like someone had torn a piece right out of it. Of course, it could’ve also been the bruises, but once my lies had been discovered the paramedic had assured me nothing was broken inside.

So it was just lovesickness, then. Lovesickness mixed with the horrible, very real fear that Seb might disappear again without my presence there to maintain him.

A thump startled me into opening my eyes—Carlos jumping down from his bunk. Then I saw Carlos himself, and my eyes opened a little wider.

He was a small kid, probably all of five-four. He had on tight pink shorts that I hadn’t seen when he was under the covers, and the left side of his hair was streaked with purple. His nails were painted a silvery-gray and he wore a rainbow bracelet on his wrist.

I must’ve had my mouth open while I gaped at him, because suddenly he was flashing brown eyes on me in anger. “I hope you’re not thinking about starting no trouble. ’Cause I can handle myself if it comes to that.”

My brows drew up at the challenging note in his tone. It had to take guts to talk to me that way…not to mention dress like that in the first place. A kid like him would’ve been eaten alive at my old school.

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer,” he snapped, placing his hands on his narrow waist. “Then you can beat one off to it later.”

I shook my head to cover a snort of laughter. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to stare.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he muttered under his breath. Then he kicked at my backpack. “You gonna unpack? Or are you not staying long?”

“Not sure,” I admitted. There were no guarantees on this placement, just like there hadn’t been for any of the others. Just hope. Tired, battered, but amazingly still alive-and-kicking Hope.

I stood up to grab my bag, trying to think positively as I unzipped it. Maybe if I acted like this was permanent, I’d help make that happen. I found an empty drawer and clumsily flipped the backpack over to empty the contents.

A few photographs, creased and water-stained, slipped to the floor during the process.

Carlos bent to pick them up. “This your family?”

I snatched them out of his hands before he could get a good look. “Mhm.”

“There are some empty frames in the den.”

“Frames?”

“Yeah. Frames.” He made a rectangle with his dainty fingers. “For putting pictures in. You know.”

“I know what frames are,” I grumbled, squaring the photographs into a neater pile. My mother stared up at me from the top of the stack, a bit of mud stuck on her face from her brush with dirty alley water.

I’d never thought about putting the photographs on display. Of course, I hadn’t really had a place to display them before…but now that I did, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be faced with them day after day, to be reminded of a past I no longer felt eager to claim.

I licked my finger and wiped off the smudge before gently tucking the pictures back in the drawer.

Counselor Jessica popped her head in the doorway. “Getting ready for bed, Alex? I know you’ve had a long day.”

And it would be an even longer night.

~*~

A gentle tapping awoke me. “Alex? Are you up yet? It’s nearly eleven-thirty.”

I peeled back one lid at a time, re-accustoming myself to the new surroundings. Carlos was at a desk on his computer, still in the pink shorts and comfortably slouched over like he was settled in for a lazy Saturday. The little white buds in his ears explained why he hadn’t noticed Jessica at the door—I could hear a faint strain of music coming from the earphones, so whatever he was listening to had to be on pretty freaking loud.

The knocks grew less gentle. “Alex? Your social worker called. She said you might be interested in heading up to Hill View to have lunch with your friend?”

I sprang out of the bed like I was on fire, startling Carlos into a duck-and-crouch move that left him in a little ball under the desk.

“Yes! Oof.” I tripped over my shoes in the mad dash across the room. “Yeah, I do!”

I crashed into the wall and flung open the door at the same time, just as Jessica took a step back. “Oh, well, there’s a shuttle leaving in a few minutes for afternoon activities. I just wanted to let you know.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I’ll be ready.”

Running around—like a headless chicken—I threw on the first clothing I reached. Carlos crawled out from his hiding place, too busy eyeing me like the insane person I was to be embarrassed I’d scared him.

“Where does that shuttle thing pick people up?” I asked breathlessly, stopping for only a second to run my hand through my bed-hair.

He pointed down the hallway toward the front of the house. “Um, on the corner. To the left.”

“Thanks, man!” Giddy and hyper-charged, I clapped him on the back a little too hard and raced out of the house.

The shuttle took me back to those grass-covered hills and dropped me off near the front building of the facility. I was a little reluctant to show my face in there again, but not enough to slow my frantic footsteps.

Nothing could keep me from Seb.

I signed in and received a special badge, since my group home was part of the “Hill View Family,” then sprinted across the field toward the dream of being in Seb’s arms. I pulled up short outside his bedroom, though, when I saw a woman crouching in front of him and speaking in a low, singsong tone.

“Sebastian, we’d really love for you to join us in the dining room for lunch today. All your friends are waiting for you there. And your roommate Harold…won’t it be nice to eat lunch with him? Come on, sweetie. Come along now. That’s it.”

She stretched out an arm to take his hand.

“Quit it.” I stormed into the room and pushed her arm out of the way. “Quit talking to him like he’s a retard.”

Besides, I was the only one who should be getting to hold his hand.

Seb’s face lit up, and he smiled. A small, tight-lipped smile that was mostly in his eyes—but it was enough to quiet my fears.

He was still there.

I squeezed him in a hug. “Hope you didn’t miss me too much.”

The woman cleared her throat. “You must be Alex.”

Reluctant to draw away from Seb, I only half-turned to her. She had an ID clipped to her pants, displaying a miniature replica of the syrupy smile and bobbed haircut she wore now.
Pam Garcia,
the tag read.

“Pam.” I gave her a brief nod.

“Alex, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t use the word ‘retard’. There are many special needs kids here, and all of them deserve respect.”

I floundered for a response. “I…I wasn’t trying to…I mean, what I was saying is that Seb’s not…” I eventually ground to a halt, deciding to cut my losses. Besides, she had a point. I was sure Seb had heard the word often enough in his lifetime. No need for me to add to the count. “Sorry. I just meant that…you shouldn’t baby him like that. Right, Seb?” I elbowed him for support.

He blinked.

Shit.

“C’mon, Seb.”

He blinked a few more times and lowered his eyes, that same light smile on his lips.

Who did he think he was fooling? I wanted to shake him. He hadn’t gone completely blank, but he obviously wasn’t ready to do much communicating. Didn’t he know the genie couldn’t be put back in the bottle? We all knew he was in there now. And I for one would never stop trying to get him to come out.

“He’s nervous,” I mumbled to Pam. “Could we maybe have a minute alone?”

“I don’t think—” she began, then pursed her lips as she reconsidered. “Well, hold on a second. I actually do need to grab something.”

She ran over to the window and propped it open so she could yell to a man who was kicking a soccer ball around with some younger kids. “Hey, Robert, come here for a minute?”

The Robert guy jogged over, and she leaned out the windowsill to whisper something in his ear. Then he went back to his soccer practice, though he kept one eye trained on Seb’s bedroom.

Great. A fucking babysitter.

Pam left with a stern look in my direction that seemed to say,
I hope you’ll be good
. Obviously, Suzie had filled her in about Seb and me.

I sighed and scooted closer to him, wishing his bed wasn’t so visible from the window. “Hey, you all right? Everyone treat you okay before I got here? Sorry it took me a bit. I had to do a lot of explaining…and apologizing, y’know…to Eleanor and Greg, and I had to talk to this therapist lady…but Suzie really stuck up for me. So I’m not really in any serious trouble, and I’m getting to stay at that group home down the hill a little ways, and we’ll be able to—”

A shout from outside interrupted us. One of the little kids had tripped and skinned her knee, and Robert rushed to provide aid.

Within a second, Seb was hovering over me, straddling my lap with a playful smirk on his face.

“Ugh.” I flopped back on the bed as his hand began grazing my thigh. “Why don’t you tell that lady the whole
keep-it-in-your-pants
look should be for you more than for me.”

He swooped down and pecked my lips.

“I dunno how long that guy out there is gonna be distracted.”

He kissed me again, forcing his tongue into my mouth.

“Besides…we should, um, talk or something…about…about you…and…”

It was hard to get my thoughts out through the persistent kisses.

“…and how come you didn’t…you know…”

Seb kissed me one last time, hard, and then jumped off. I knew without asking that Pam was back.

“Now, let’s see if we can’t open the lines of communication a bit better!” she announced, striding into the room and triumphantly displaying a small white board and marker. “Here you are, Seb.” She placed it in his hands. “What do you say, should we go get lunch at the dining hall? Maybe you could write a happy face for yes? We can work out a system.”

She leaned over and stared, chewing on the corner of her lip, but Seb made no move to write anything.