Silencing Eve (44 page)

Eve was always there for her, Jane thought lovingly as she watched her. Ready to do battle. Ready to offer a shoulder to comfort.

“I’m surprised she left you alone.” Caleb was at her elbow. “She’s been guarding you all day.” He lifted his wine to his lips. “We’ve all been in protective mode toward Eve, and now she’s returning the favor.”

“Hello, Caleb. Eve knows you’re volatile, and she didn’t want me to have to deal with you today. She wasn’t sure if I could handle it.”

“Can you?”

“I can handle it. I can handle you.” She added wearily, “But I don’t want to do it today.”

“I know,” he said curtly. “You’re so fragile, a wind could blow you away. You’re bleeding inside. I can see it. Feel it.”

“Am I? I guess you’re probably right. At least, figuratively. You know a lot about blood.”

“Not enough to save your lover.”

She stiffened. “No, you couldn’t do that. Though you did try.”

“You bet I did.” His dark eyes were glittering in his taut face. “I tried everything I knew. I didn’t want Trevor to die. I knew it would be like this. Now he’s a damn martyr. How can I fight a martyr?”

“Do you mind if we don’t talk about this right now?” she said unevenly. “I think perhaps it’s time you left, Caleb.”

“Yes, it is. But I can’t go until I’ve said what I have to say. It’s been seething inside me, and it has to come out.” His grasp tightened on the delicate stem of his glass. “And all these fine people who love you and sympathize with your loss would tell me not to put you through this. But everyone knows what a selfish bastard I am.”

“You weren’t selfish when you tried to save me from being shot. You covered me with your body.”

“Unusual circumstances. I didn’t think, I just acted.” He took a step closer to her, and said through his teeth, “I was
angry.
She was going to kill you. She’d already shot Trevor.”

“You still did it.”

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m all that’s good and noble like Trevor. I’m not like him. I
won’t
be like him.”

“No, there’s no one who could be like Trevor.” She smiled faintly. “And he wouldn’t like you calling him noble. I remember that when you did it before, he laughed at you.”

“He laughed because we were so different. He had a code of honor, and I am what I am. We weren’t even on the same page.” His lips tightened. “And yet he said I could be anything I wanted to be.”

“I remember that.”

“But I won’t be what
he
wants me to be.” His voice was suddenly harsh. “I liked that son of a bitch. I didn’t want to like him, but I did anyway. Even at the end, I was mad as hell because I couldn’t save him.” His dark gaze was burning into her own. “And then he looked at me, and I knew what he was thinking, what he wanted of me. It was all about you.”

She shook her head in bewilderment. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“He had an obsession about taking care of you, of making sure you were safe and well. He was crazy about you, so that shouldn’t be surprising. But even as he was dying, he was worrying about you.”

“I know.” She tried to keep her voice from breaking. “That was Trevor.”

“But he found a solution, didn’t he? He looked at me, and I could see what he was thinking. What he was asking. You didn’t even realize that, did you?”

“I still don’t.”

“He wants me to take care of you, to keep you from being unhappy, to guard you.” His voice was harsh with exasperation and anger. “He wants me to be
him,
dammit.”

“That’s crazy.”

“Do you think I don’t know that? Even Trevor couldn’t believe that I’d be able to change dark to light. But he wanted to tie my hands. And he was willing to let me stand in and take care of what he regarded as necessary.”

She shook her head. “You have to be mistaken.”

“Am I? Think about it.”

“And, if you’re not mistaken, then you’re still not someone who would let your life be influenced by Trevor’s irrational wish. He was dying, Caleb.”

“A dying man’s last wish,” Caleb said. “You’re right, a callous bastard like me shouldn’t pay any attention to it. Because if I did, it would interfere with everything I intend to do to you and with you. I can overcome this setback. Given time, memories will fade, and I’ll be ready.”

She shook her head.

He smiled. “You don’t think so now, but it will happen.”

His voice was soft and silky, the passionate intensity nearly tangible. She could suddenly feel the force, the power, the fire of him. She instinctively took a step back. “My memories of Trevor won’t fade.”

“Then you won’t be doing what Trevor wanted you to do. He didn’t want you to look back. Remember what he said when he knew he was dying.”

You have to think of it as forever.

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t let him go.” She moistened her lips. “I’m going to go to bed now. Please leave, Caleb.”

He nodded jerkily. “That’s all I have to say. You won’t see me for a while. I’m sure you’ll be relieved.”

She nodded. “You disturb me. I don’t need that right now.”

“It’s the nature of the beast.” He paused. “Aren’t you curious why I’m so angry about what Trevor did?”

“He did nothing. He expressed a wish.”

“He did more than that. He managed to delve deep and brought up feelings that I’ve kept buried and forgotten. I found myself wanting to do what he wanted me to do. Why do you think I’ve been staying in the background for the last few days? I was taking care of you, dammit. Do you think I don’t know I disturb you? I was being sensitive.”

“I’m sure it was only temporary. But you managed to forget all about sensitivity tonight.”

“Because I was going away, and I had to let you know why. I wasn’t about to fade into the sunset.”

Darkness outlined in flames.

“I don’t think that’s possible for you.”

“And my going away is because I want to give you a chance to heal. That damn sensitivity again. I want to move forward, not retreat.”

“Then I’m glad you had second thoughts. There’s nothing for you here.”

He ignored her response. “And I don’t think that instinct to take care of you was temporary. I’ve noticed the effect is still lingering. God knows, I hope it’s temporary. The last thing I want is to be chained like that. I watched you suffering today, and it nearly killed me. But it was my pain and had nothing to do with Trevor or what he wanted from me. That’s how it has to be. Oh, I’ll let Trevor tie my hands for a while. I’ll do what he wanted.” He finished his wine with one swallow. “But I’ll get over it.” He put his glass on the table beside him, and she could sense the frustration and anger back in full force. “I’ll fight it until I break free.” He smiled recklessly. “Just thought I’d give you warning.”

He turned and walked away from her.

She felt limp with emotion as she watched him. She’d thought she was numb, but he’d managed to make her come alive. He’d aroused her to bewilderment and ruthlessly inserted his presence in her mind.

And he’d brought back that agonizing memory of Trevor’s dying and her not being able to help him. It was never far from her, but she’d forgotten some of the nuances that concerned Caleb. Caleb trying to save him. Caleb angry and rejecting being used by Trevor.

Trevor gentle and loving and trying to protect her even after he was gone.

She felt the sting of tears. Why Caleb, Trevor? You might as well have set a hungry tiger to guard a flock of sheep. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone but you.

She was losing control. She had to get away from there to the safety of the cottage before she broke down. She moved quickly toward the porch steps.

“Jane.”

She stopped at the steps as Margaret appeared beside her. She hadn’t seen her for more than a few moments today, but she’d been aware of her always there, helping Eve, talking to Joe. “Hi, Margaret.” She swallowed. “Thank you for being here. I meant to—”

“Stop being polite,” Margaret said bluntly. “Are you okay? I saw Caleb with you. I was watching him today, and all the lightning was flashing around him.”

“That’s a strange term. The lightning didn’t strike me. He wasn’t gentle, and he jarred me. But I survived it.” She smiled shakily. “But now I need some alone time. I was numb, and now I feel too much alive.”

“Caleb generates that emotion. I think it’s part of that wild DNA.” She shrugged. “Most of the time, that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this is an exception. Maybe not. You’ve been a sleepwalker for the last few days.” She made a face. “Completely understandable. I’ll let you go up and get to bed. I just wanted to say good-bye.”

“You’re leaving?”

“You don’t need me. You have Eve.” She gave her a hug. “I envy you Eve and Joe. It must have been wonderful growing up with them.”

“Yes, wonderful. Are you going back to Summer Island? Devon called and told me that my dog, Toby, is doing well, but she wants to keep him with the other dogs for a while. She says he’s responding to the contact therapy and acting like a puppy. I’d like to know you’re with him.”

“I’m not going there right away. Kendra’s invited me to come out to San Diego to her place for a visit. It should be interesting.”

“And fairly explosive. You two seem to strike sparks wherever you are.” She kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Margaret. Keep safe. I’ll miss you.”

“No, you won’t. I’ll be around. You can never tell when I’ll come knocking on your door.” She turned away. “Now go upstairs and rest. I’ll help Eve shoo everyone else away and clean up.”

Jane didn’t argue. She started up the steps. The heaviness and sadness were becoming overwhelming. Another good-bye from someone who had become her good friend.

And the final good-bye to her love.

2:35
A.M.

“GOD, YOU’RE TENSE.”
Joe cuddled Eve closer in bed. “Jane?”

Eve nodded. “I just heard her go down the hall toward the porch. She’s not sleeping again.”

“She always loved the porch. From the time we brought her home, the two of you would sit out there for hours.”

“I want to help her, Joe. There ought to be something I can do, something I can say.”

“You’ve said all the right things. You just have to wait for her to heal.” He raised himself to rest on one arm and looked down at her. “I know that sounds lame. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

She gave him a quick kiss. “It doesn’t sound lame. It sounds like you trying to give me comfort and love. There’s nothing lame about that.” Her arms slid around him, and she buried her face in his chest. He smelled of soap and lemon and the musky essence that was Joe himself. She remembered all the nights while she was with Doane that she had tried not to think of Joe’s smell, the feel of him. It had hurt too much. “I was lying here thinking how lucky I am that I have you,” she whispered. “And that I mustn’t ever take you for granted. You close your eyes, and suddenly love and all the beautiful things it brings can slip away from you.”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Only I didn’t have to find that out. I’ve known it from the moment I met you. I’ve never taken you for granted, Eve.” His arms tightened around her. “I never will.”

“We have so much, Joe.” She could feel the tears sting her eyes. “What a rich life we’ve built together, the years, the experiences, so many memories.”

“And you’re thinking that Jane will never have that.”

“I hope she will. Somehow. Sometime.” She reached up and gently touched his cheek. It was hard with the faintest stubble. Everything about him was hard and warm and vibrantly alive. God, please keep him this way. Keep him strong and well and full of laughter and joy. Never take him away from me. “I love you, Joe.”

“Thank God.” He kissed her, long and deep. “I know that.” He suddenly pulled her up in bed. “I also know that you’re sad and want to help our Jane.” He got to his feet and held her robe for her. “So go out there on the porch and work it out between you like you always do.”

She hesitated, gazing at him. “But I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’ll be here when you get back.” He smiled. “Always, Eve.”

She glanced back at him as she opened the door. There had been some deeper meaning in those last words. Joe could read her so well. Had he also read that silent prayer for God to care for him and keep him by her side?

“I’ll be waiting. Never doubt it.” He repeated softly, “Always…”

*   *   *

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING
out here, Jane?” Eve asked as she stood in the doorway leading to the porch. She came over to the swing where Jane was sitting. “It’s the middle of the night. I hoped you were sleeping, dammit.”

“I tried. It didn’t work. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Her gaze went to the lake. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Trevor and I spent a weekend on Lake Como once. But this is just as wonderful. I told him that I wanted to be here with him when Joe barbecued. He even mentioned it at the last…” She had to stop and steady her voice. “Sorry. I know you have to be tired of me not being able to—I should be stronger. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. I’ve been thinking that maybe I should go back to London and start working.”

“You’ll do what you think is best for you. Work can be a salvation.” She sat down beside her on the swing. “But not because you think you’re being a bother to us. Give yourself a little time. It’s not even been a week, Jane.”

“It seems longer.” She was silent for a moment, then whispered, “It hurts, Eve. He was so … God, I miss him. I keep remembering everything about him. The day I met him when I was only seventeen. Do you remember that day? He looked like a movie star and could charm the birds from the trees. You were worried I’d be dazzled by him.”

“And you were,” Eve said. “You were too young. I was grateful that he had some sense and walked away from you.”

“I’m not. They were wasted years. Maybe if I’d followed him then, I’d not have become so set in my ways, and we’d have worked our relationship out earlier.” She gestured. “I know. What-ifs are useless. He’s gone, and I have to deal with it.”

“Oh, Jane, it’s natural to have regrets.” She leaned back in the swing. “After I lost Bonnie, I thought I’d go crazy thinking about all the things I should have done and didn’t. She wanted a puppy, and I didn’t get it for her. I was going to get one for her that Christmas. But that Christmas didn’t come for her. There were so many things…”