Si in Space (19 page)
Authors: John Luke Robertson
YOU DECIDE TO HEAD TOWARD
the
DC Enterprise
, so you dart out into the hangar. But right when you do, you see John Luke standing up against the wall, watching and waiting.
You’re about to call out, but then the
DC Enterprise
explodes.
There’s instant chaos in the hangar as men and women dash by you in all directions, either trying to escape the burning spacecraft or trying to help put out the flames. Meanwhile you rush toward John Luke to make sure he’s okay.
That’s when someone steps in your way. It’s the silver space helmet belonging to one of the members of the so-called Daft Punk. Call them Not-So-Daft Punk.
He’s standing over John Luke.
John Luke’s on the floor, trying to crawl away.
Now P. is holding out his hand to John Luke. Is he trying to help?
You’re about to say something like,
“Hey, Jack, whatcha doin’?”
but then you hear the alien talking.
“John Luke . . . I am your father.”
John Luke shakes his head. He’s crying. Sobbing. He’s out of his mind now. “No. That can’t be true.
It’s impossible
!
”
You’ve seen enough. You close the gap between yourself and P., standing as close as you can to John Luke.
“Look, Jack, you gotta go through me first.”
Then you hear
—is that laughter?
I know that laughter too. It’s a mocking kind, a kind I hear often. Like daily.
The figure in front of you takes off his silver helmet to reveal long hair and a beard and . . .
It’s Willie Robertson.
John Luke’s
father
.
“Si, you ruined a perfect moment for me. I couldn’t’ve planned this any better.”
John Luke is wiping his face as he stands. “That wasn’t funny.”
“Aw, come on,” Willie says.
At that moment, a group of pirates storms the hangar, running full speed toward you.
“What are you doing here?” John Luke asks.
“I’m savin’ you guys,” Willie says. “And it looks like I got here at
just
the right time.”
“But where’d you come from?” you ask.
“Just come on
—follow me.”
“Follow you where?”
“Come on.”
YOU ARRIVE AT THE MIDDLE
of a corridor between the bridge and the maintenance lift. Surely CLINT 1999 won’t be able to hear you here.
“Hey, so look, John Luke. I’m afraid that we’re gonna have to do something fast about
—”
“Still here, Silas,” CLINT says.
You shake your head at John Luke, then start pulling him down the hall. “Come on!”
WAIT A MINUTE.
You know what Si stands for? Do you, Jack?
Adventure. Romance. Fun. Too Legit to Quit. Free Bird.
That’s right.
But hey, you know what else Si might stand for?
“A long, deep, audible exhalation expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or a similar feeling.”
All you gotta do is spell it a little differently.
Maybe we should call it a night.
Maybe the following books are the ones you should’ve checked out instead of
Si in Space
:
- Si Watches
The Price Is Right - Si in the Shopping Mall
- Si Drinks Tea and Takes a Nap
- Si Daydreams about Exploring Other Planets (but Doesn’t Actually Do That Because It Might Be Way Too Dangerous)
- Si Gets Yelled at by Willie
- Si Needs a Life, but You Wouldn’t Give Him One, Would You?
Did Neil Armstrong ever say, “This step is way too big for me, so I’m gonna just stand right here”? No way, Jack.
Did John Wayne ever say, “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid”?
Well, actually, yeah. John Wayne did say that.
So it’s so long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu.
Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you.
It could’ve been so epic. It could’ve been some kind of wonderful. You could’ve been a contender.
It’s a pity. You’re probably gonna go play some video games now. Color some coloring books.
Or you can go back to the beginning. Start again. Choose differently. There’s always that option.
THE (SIGHING) END
YOU DON’T LIE
to the rest of the astronauts, but at the same time you don’t go into great detail describing the jackalope. You don’t say how tiny he was or how cute he looked or how adorable his antlers were. Hey, you don’t even say the word
jackalope
.
Everybody listens to you, then waits for the commander to explain what’s next.
“We’re setting a course for Earth, and we’ll be engaging in stasis for the flight there. Ashley will monitor Wade for the time being and make sure his cybersleep goes as planned. Our priority is getting Wade back to Earth so he can recover.”
Shortly before you put your space suit back on, Mission Specialist Kim Sampson comes to tell you that you have a message in the computer access room.
“You can take the teleconference call on the CLINT 1999.”
“On the what?” you ask.
“That’s the name of the ship’s computer program.”
“Ah, got it.”
You enter the small room, and Kim shuts the door so you can have some privacy. A monitor on the wall switches on.
“Hello, Silas? Is that you?”
“Well, yeah. Who are you?”
The man looks like a college professor. Gray hair, square glasses, a plaid sports coat. You wonder if he’s got a pipe somewhere.
“My name doesn’t matter because I’m sure you’ve never heard of me nor read any of my movie reviews. And that’s okay. I’m coming to you to help you and the rest of your crew.”
“Say what, Jack? You’re gonna help us? Help us do what?”
“Help you live, Silas. Live.”
You expect some kind of duh-duh-duh-
duh
music to play.
“What do you mean, live?”
The professor on the screen sighs and removes his glasses. He’s staring straight at you.
“Let me remind you of the situation, Silas. You went to an alien world and discovered a strange life-form. It looked cute and cuddly, but it also attacked your friend Wade. You have to understand. Once you go to sleep, things are going to get much,
much
worse.”
You look all around you in this computer room. “How do you know me?” you ask the professor.
“Oh, I’m a big fan. You and those duck guys are funny.”
You nod. “How do you know what happened out here?”
“I have my ways. Listen. Here are your options: You can either get in your suit and go to sleep. And then . . . Well, I don’t want to think about what would happen next. Or you can tweak your space suit so it doesn’t put you into cybersleep. Wait until everybody else is asleep; then get Wade and put him in the escape pod.”
“You want me to dispose of Wade? Just like that? I can’t do that, Jack!”
“No. But you can
tow
him in the pod. He’ll transform into a jackalope while he’s shut inside, and the crew will be safe from harm. Then scientists and the like can examine Wade once you’re all safely back on Earth.”
You hear a voice come over the speakers. It’s the commander telling everybody to get ready for cybersleep.
“Silas, you need to do this,” the professor urges.
What’s your decision?
Do you ignore the warning of the professor on the screen?
Go here
.
Do you obey his instructions?
Go here
.